What a Difference a year makes!

[Meaplus3]

Yesterday I was thinking back to where I was one year ago. It was one year ago this week that I informed my H of a very long (18 month) Emotional Affair that I became involved in with my married next neighbor. My Emotional affair started from a close friendship which had an underlying mutual attraction from the start.

 

I look back on what was one of the worst day's of my life and realize now that it was the only way to rid myself of this mm situation and get back on the right path with my H and family. I figured by telling my H about what went on it would help me stick to NC with mm and it did just that. I was also able to apologize to my H by confessing to him about what lead me to this ea, and that was the poor state of our marriage.Telling my H lead to many fights. This went on for many month's and there were many day's that I had NO hope left of him even wanting me anymore. You see I did not have sex with mm, I did even worse. I let another man into my heart and that hurt my H even more.

 

From that last Nov until March of this past year, I had little to NO contact with mm. I had started Therapy and was pouring my gut's out to a Therapist once per week for months. My H stuck to his word and has not said a word to mm and never will again. .Come March I began to struggle. I was missing the "Addictive" part of the EA and it hit me hard. I was very depressed that mm was gone from my life, in some way I still needed him. My marriage was still a big mess, so therefore mm was still very appealing to me. I could no longer resist the urge to contact mm, I caved contacted him. My hope was to meet and put closure to the ea, ounce and for all. We did meet for a very brief time and it was NOT a good idea because it just brought back all the feeling's that were once there between us. So now we are into May. Lucky for me it was a busy Spring and summer, NC was in place and I was back to coping well again until the end of August. By the end of August I was in the "Angry Stage" and I was hell bent on telling mm's W all about our ea. I wanted to hurt him and get back at him for all the hurt he caused me. After being talked out of it by many on this site and realizing that it would make thing's much worse, I dropped that idea for good and can honestly say I have NO desire at all to inform his W, nor to get him back in anyway.

 

So, here I am one year later after confessing this ea to my H. H and I are now in MC and thing's are peaceful with our neighbor's. The strong desire I ounce had for mm Emotionally is gone. I sure found out that it's very true that "The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence". I took a marital vow before God and in the Vow it said for better or for worse. I realized how I could very well except the better but I tried to run away from the "Worse" part by becoming involved with someone else who was validating my needs at the time! If only I had STOPPED, just then I could have avoided so much hurt and heartache. My advice to any one who is in a bad marriage or R is to NOT run to another R, OW/OM/ MW/MM for your comfort, because in most cases it will not solve your problem's but only compound them.

 

Emotional Affairs are very tough to recover from but their is hope even when that affair partner lives close by it can be done and I am living proof that. I Will not sit here and lie and say each day is perfect, I still have some anger over what I did, however this is my last hurdle and the only one who has the power to fix that is me. I hope my story offer's some inspiration to other's that might fine themselves in a simular situation.

 

AP

[whichwayisup]

Great post AP, and I'm glad you're well on the road of recovery - Both in your marriage and within yourself!

[Owl]

I agree with WWIU...with one minor exception.

 

Either you or your H should tell MM's W about the EA. She has every right to know that her H strayed, so she can know the truth about her marriage and decide if its worth staying in, or not.

 

You may have "peace" with the neighbors, but not an honest friendship. Its not the same thing.

 

Tell her the truth, let her figure out what to do in her relationship with him on her own. While it may not be peaceful, it'll at least be honest and truthful.

 

If you were her...would you want to know the truth about your H's actions?

[TogetherForever]

Congrats & Happy Anniversary AP!!

Awesome post!!

Much Happiness to you, your husband & kids:bunny:.

TF

[Art_Critic]

Here Here !!!...

 

Wonderful post.. Here's to more healing and self awareness for you and your husband and may your anger disappear quickly ...

[TogetherForever]

Oh no Owl.

I agree that the wife should know how her husband acted but I don't think it's AP's responsibility to tell her.

AP has come a long way healing from her ea & she needs to continue on....w/o more drama.

TF

[Meaplus3]

Thank's to you all for your kind word's and all of your support! You all hold a special place in my heart.

[Meaplus3]

I agree with WWIU...with one minor exception.

 

Either you or your H should tell MM's W about the EA. She has every right to know that her H strayed, so she can know the truth about her marriage and decide if its worth staying in, or not.

 

You may have "peace" with the neighbors, but not an honest friendship. Its not the same thing.

 

Tell her the truth, let her figure out what to do in her relationship with him on her own. While it may not be peaceful, it'll at least be honest and truthful.

 

If you were her...would you want to know the truth about your H's actions?

 

Owl, I hear you about the telling bit but you know what? She know's of his behavior and chooses to live with it. I figured that out when She had asked me that one night "What has gone on between you and my H"? So that right there told me she know's he's not faithful. That would have been the time to tell her, but I did not. So it's dropped in my book. I'm in a better place now and I will NOT turn the corner and go back!

 

AP:)

[Owl]

TF-

 

Well, who's place WOULD it be to tell MM's W, if NOT AP's?

 

Part of healing is making amends for the damage you've caused to others. This would be part of it. Yes, MM was the PRIMARY source of pain to his BW, but AP was absolutely part of it as well.

 

You agree that the wife should know...so who do you think should tell her? MM? Of course he won't...that would force him to face responsibility for his actions when he's successfully avoided that for over a year. Won't ever happen.

 

So how else would his BW be told the truth?

 

AP, just so you understand, I'm not in any way 'condemning' you. You've done the right thing in ending the EA, and in reconciling with your BH. That's NOT easy...and absolutely do I applaud that you've done so. I'm simply pointing out that there's still one person in this situation who is blithely unaware of the truth, and is STILL living in this lie that the EA created. And she's got the same right to the truth as your BH has/had. Someone needs to tell her the truth...

 

If not you...then who?

[Owl]

AP-

 

We cross-posted.

 

One quick question...

 

What did you tell her when she asked you that question?

 

The full, up front, honest truth?

 

If so, then I'd completely agree with you. You've done all you needed to do.

[Art_Critic]

Part of healing is making amends for the damage you've caused to others.

 

If making amends will cause more hurt then it isn't an amend worth making.. you have to make that amend with yourself..

 

Hurting another for no reason isn't an amend.. it is spiteful..

 

Why on earth would you want to cause more pain and more hurt in a marriage ?.. Spite ?.. that would require another amend ?..

[Meaplus3]

AP-

 

We cross-posted.

 

One quick question...

 

What did you tell her when she asked you that question?

 

The full, up front, honest truth?

 

If so, then I'd completely agree with you. You've done all you needed to do.

 

Owl, You are not offending me at all so please don't think you are. The night she asked me that question it was about 1 in the morning and we both had to much to drink. When she asked me that question I told her "We talked alot, he helped me with the kid's when H was not around".

 

AP:)

[Owl]

AC-

 

She's not hurting the BW by telling her. THAT hurt was done when the affair took place.

 

You're confusing what the true source of the hurt is. The AFFAIR is the source of the hurt. Admitting to it, and ensuring that the BW knows that her husband has cheated on her...that's NOT the source. That's a consequence of the affair.

 

If you steal something from someone else, and later feel guilty about it and stop, do you not still owe that person what you stole? What REALLY hurt them? The fact that you told them the truth, or the fact that you stole from them?

 

This has nothing to do with spite. Nothing to do with revenge, or being angry. This has to do with being HONEST. With letting the other person be aware.

 

If your wife was cheating on you, and your best friend knew...would you want him to tell you? Would he be "hurting you" by telling you? Or would he be HELPING you?

 

Same issue here, the only difference is that the person who was part of the affair is the person who can tell what's happened.

[Owl]

Owl, You are not offending me at all so please don't think you are. The night she asked me that question it was about 1 in the morning and we both had to much to drink. When she asked me that question I told her "We talked alot, he helped me with the kid's when H was not around".

 

 

AP-

 

Based off of that, she doesn't KNOW that her husband is cheating on her. She SUSPECTED, but she doesn't KNOW.

 

And you didn't answer her question. You avoided the COMPLETE truth, and gave her a partial truth that didn't fully answer her question.

 

Same deal I just posed to AC...if your H was cheating, and you asked the woman he was cheating with the question she asked you..."What has gone on between you and my H"? "...what answer SHOULD she give you? Would you have wanted her to give you the full truth, or answer the same way you did.

 

Can you see what I'm driving at here? She doesn't KNOW...she suspects, without proof. She's STILL living the lie...and will until someone tells her the truth.

 

Ask your H what HE thinks should be done. What would HE want if the roles were turned around and he was the one who didn't know.

 

Make sense?

[TogetherForever]

TF-

 

Well, who's place WOULD it be to tell MM's W, if NOT AP's?

 

Part of healing is making amends for the damage you've caused to others. This would be part of it. Yes, MM was the PRIMARY source of pain to his BW, but AP was absolutely part of it as well.

 

You agree that the wife should know...so who do you think should tell her? MM? Of course he won't...that would force him to face responsibility for his actions when he's successfully avoided that for over a year. Won't ever happen.

 

So how else would his BW be told the truth?

 

AP, just so you understand, I'm not in any way 'condemning' you. You've done the right thing in ending the EA, and in reconciling with your BH. That's NOT easy...and absolutely do I applaud that you've done so. I'm simply pointing out that there's still one person in this situation who is blithely unaware of the truth, and is STILL living in this lie that the EA created. And she's got the same right to the truth as your BH has/had. Someone needs to tell her the truth...

 

If not you...then who?

 

 

I believe the mm should tell his wife that he eff'd up. Then, if the wife wishes, they can both question/dicuss the ea with AP. Together. With AP's Husband present.

AP did her part in ending the relationship. Good for her.

[Owl]

TF-

 

I totally agree with you. The MM SHOULD be the one to tell his wife.

 

But he won't. Like I said, he's sitting right where he wants to be, and unless something changes, he'll NEVER tell her.

 

That leave the only other people who know the truth as the only people capable of telling his wife. AP, and her BH. I feel that one or BOTH of them should go to MM's W and tell her. There's no way MM will, unless some how they forced him to do so.

 

If left to MM, his wife will live the rest of their marriage in a lie.

 

If AP and BH are friends with her, then they owe her the truth as part of that friendship if nothing else.

[PLAYBRAT]

On one hand I agree with Owl....because it's the principle.

 

On the other..I think this could set AP back in her recovery process..thus hurting not only the W but herself as well.

 

It isn't fair that the MM is getting away with the affair

unscathed.....because truthfully he SHOULD have to pay the consequences for his actions. I agree with Art Critic in that if making

amends causes MORE hurt, then it's better to simply let it go...

[Meaplus3]

AP-

 

Based off of that, she doesn't KNOW that her husband is cheating on her. She SUSPECTED, but she doesn't KNOW.

 

And you didn't answer her question. You avoided the COMPLETE truth, and gave her a partial truth that didn't fully answer her question.

 

Same deal I just posed to AC...if your H was cheating, and you asked the woman he was cheating with the question she asked you..."What has gone on between you and my H"? "...what answer SHOULD she give you? Would you have wanted her to give you the full truth, or answer the same way you did.

 

Can you see what I'm driving at here? She doesn't KNOW...she suspects, without proof. She's STILL living the lie...and will until someone tells her the truth.

 

Ask your H what HE thinks should be done. What would HE want if the roles were turned around and he was the one who didn't know.

 

Make sense?

 

Owl,

 

 

Another point here when mm made those late night call's to my house he would alway's say "I need to back over there she's going to be wondering what's going on"? By him saying that lead's me to believe that there are trust issues in the marriage. Perhap's he has lied, cheated and been caught in the past who know's? One thing I do know for sure is that their marriage is NOT my problem.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

On one hand I agree with Owl....because it's the principle.

 

On the other..I think this could set AP back in her recovery process..thus hurting not only the W but herself as well.

 

It isn't fair that the MM is getting away with the affair

unscathed.....because truthfully he SHOULD have to pay the consequences for his actions. I agree with Art Critic in that if making

amends causes MORE hurt, then it's better to simply let it go...

 

Yes! Making amend's in this case would cause more hurt both you and AC are correct! I can NOT take any more hurt, I'm done with it!

 

AP:)

[PLAYBRAT]

Sadly Owl is right...the MM probably will NEVER tell his W.

But HE has to live with himself....and his own conscience.

The W may not see it as a "noble act" either...but rather as an outsider

attempting to destroy her marriage.

[Owl]

Hmmm....

 

Here's the fun part...I actually agree that as part of establishing 'no contact' with MM, you should no longer be concerned with HIS welfare or situation. So with that, I'd agree that his marriage isn't your problem.

 

But the other part of it is that your emotional affair with him IS PART OF THEIR MARITAL PROBLEMS. All that he emotionally invested in you was withheld from his wife.

 

Again, while that's not "your problem"...to a degree, it is your fault.

 

Part of healing and moving on is making amends for your part in the wrong doings.

 

How have you done that?

 

You make a good case for it not being "your problem"...and I can see your point. Once you've ended an emotional affair with someone, you "give up" the right to be a part of their lives or to let yourself remain emotionally attached to them. At the same time, I can see where its also very wrong to leave his wife in the dark about what happened.

 

What does your husband say on this? Have you talked with him about it?

 

And what's your thoughts about the situation I'd suggested- what would you want to have happen if you were in her shoes?

[PLAYBRAT]

Owl...

 

I agree with you...if she maliciously hurt his W....which she didn't

12 step recovery programs are big on encouraging

that you make amends for wrongdoings while you were using.

 

In THIS case...AP's only REAL "hurt" was to her own marriage...

She made amends to her H...because HE is the one she took vows with.

MM IS the one who needs to make amends to his W....IMO.

[Art_Critic]

12 step recovery programs are big on encouraging

that you make amends for wrongdoings while you were using.

 

Only when making the amend will not cause injury to another...

 

If an amend causes another hurt it isn't an amend..

 

Telling the wife is just a hateful hurtful thing and would accomplish nothing.. it certainly would not mend anything..

 

AA's step number 9... See.. it isn't a step worth doing because it would injure another directly from making the amend.

 

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

[Meaplus3]

Hmmm....

 

Here's the fun part...I actually agree that as part of establishing 'no contact' with MM, you should no longer be concerned with HIS welfare or situation. So with that, I'd agree that his marriage isn't your problem.

 

But the other part of it is that your emotional affair with him IS PART OF THEIR MARITAL PROBLEMS. All that he emotionally invested in you was withheld from his wife.

 

Again, while that's not "your problem"...to a degree, it is your fault.

 

Part of healing and moving on is making amends for your part in the wrong doings.

 

How have you done that?

 

You make a good case for it not being "your problem"...and I can see your point. Once you've ended an emotional affair with someone, you "give up" the right to be a part of their lives or to let yourself remain emotionally attached to them. At the same time, I can see where its also very wrong to leave his wife in the dark about what happened.

 

What does your husband say on this? Have you talked with him about it?

 

And what's your thoughts about the situation I'd suggested- what would you want to have happen if you were in her shoes?

 

My H and I have gone back and forth with the idea of telling the W . At one point he thought he should inform her. Then WE both decided to let it go, because it's just not worth it, they live nextdoor and we have to deal with them on a daily basis. It would cause to much upset for everyone including the children.

 

Owl, if I were in her shoe's Honestly I would want to know.

[Meaplus3]

Owl...

 

I agree with you...if she maliciously hurt his W....which she didn't

12 step recovery programs are big on encouraging

that you make amends for wrongdoings while you were using.

 

In THIS case...AP's only REAL "hurt" was to her own marriage...

She made amends to her H...because HE is the one she took vows with.

MM IS the one who needs to make amends to his W....IMO.

 

That is VERY correct Playbrat! MM need's to make amend's with his W. If he loves her and want's to repair their marriage then he will do so! It is in NO way my part to say a word!

 

AP:)