fisherfool Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 I am a relative newcomer to LoveShack.org but I am confused by the many people who have posted regarding the reasons people who have affairs either leave or do not leave their wives. Why do the reasons matter? Does it make the spouse less important if the straying spouse decides to stay for reason one but the other person less important if they stay for reason two? If the affair is over then it is over. I do not understand the depth of anguish and the number of arguments over why it is over or why it is not over. If the married person is given the choice to stay with their spouse when discovered and then decides to do so, what does it matter what their reasoning is at that time or what reason they give either their spouse or affair partner at that time? If the straying person has decided to stay married unless they are a person who likes lying and having affairs they will work at making their marraige what it was not before the affair. They will be working on rebuilding the love they once had and lost. Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made? Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 I am a relative newcomer to LoveShack.org but I am confused by the many people who have posted regarding the reasons people who have affairs either leave or do not leave their wives. Why do the reasons matter? Does it make the spouse less important if the straying spouse decides to stay for reason one but the other person less important if they stay for reason two? If the affair is over then it is over. I do not understand the depth of anguish and the number of arguments over why it is over or why it is not over. If the married person is given the choice to stay with their spouse when discovered and then decides to do so, what does it matter what their reasoning is at that time or what reason they give either their spouse or affair partner at that time? If the straying person has decided to stay married unless they are a person who likes lying and having affairs they will work at making their marraige what it was not before the affair. They will be working on rebuilding the love they once had and lost. Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made?[/quote I've been here for awhile now and I have seen some incredible sharing of thoughts, feelings and emotions over every aspect of relationships. It helps to get your thoughts out and to see what other people think about your decisons, it also helps in reading others with the same problems. Whether or not you take the advice is up to you, ultimately only you can decide because it is your life, not other's lives. But we are all here for support and to share. It's a great forum and it has helped many. Welcome to LS. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 I am confused by the many people who have posted regarding the reasons people who have affairs either leave or do not leave their wives. Why do the reasons matter? I do not understand the depth of anguish and the number of arguments over why it is over or why it is not over... Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made? Because it is extremely painful to suddenly lose someone when you're feeling an intense emotional attachment. We're trying to figure out WHY IT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you understand it, you can start to wrestle for control over the awful anguish that threatens to overwhelm you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Great post fisherfool. Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made? Because people need closure, need to know that it meant something. Even if the A ends, whether it be on a good note or bad not, people need that closure to heal. Ofcourse, logically one should just know the reasons the why and accept it as it is as part of the of the consquencesof having an affair with a married person - BUT - As you continue to read many threads, you'll see what the other go through and it isn't as easy as the emotions get in the way and go against better judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 8, 2007 Author Share Posted August 8, 2007 Because it is extremely painful to suddenly lose someone when you're feeling an intense emotional attachment. We're trying to figure out WHY IT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you understand it, you can start to wrestle for control over the awful anguish that threatens to overwhelm you. But why it happened does not answer why it ended does it? Or am I misunderstanding this comment? There must have been an answer given at the time of ending. Why then must there be these arguments? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 8, 2007 Author Share Posted August 8, 2007 Because people need closure, need to know that it meant something. Even if the A ends, whether it be on a good note or bad not, people need that closure to heal. The closure must come from the person with whom one had the relationship. The anger portrayed here does not provide closure only more pain and anguish. Why must the betrayed say no it cannot be for the reason you say? Why must the other say no it cannot be fore the reason you say? Each relationship may have different reason for ending. Reason for ending affair A does not mean affair B must end for same reason. All do not end for same reason each ends for its own cause. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Because it is extremely painful to suddenly lose someone when you're feeling an intense emotional attachment. We're trying to figure out WHY IT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. If you understand it, you can start to wrestle for control over the awful anguish that threatens to overwhelm you. Because it is extremely painful to suddenly lose someone when you're feeling an intense emotional attachment. We're trying to figure out WHY IT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Like what you said Open book, for it's very true!! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 The closure must come from the person with whom one had the relationship. The anger portrayed here does not provide closure only more pain and anguish. Why must the betrayed say no it cannot be for the reason you say? Why must the other say no it cannot be fore the reason you say? Each relationship may have different reason for ending. Reason for ending affair A does not mean affair B must end for same reason. All do not end for same reason each ends for its own cause. You're wrong, when some relationships end you have to provide your own closure. You cannot get closure from the source of what causes you the pain. So people look on to other's and their experiences to make some sense of their own lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 8, 2007 Author Share Posted August 8, 2007 Yes, sometimes one must provide the closure oneself. The telling spouse that they are wrong does not provide closure though. It only provides pain to wife. The telling other they are wrong does not provide anything either other than pain for other. Link to post Share on other sites
BurriedAlive Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 I think it is a matter of misery loves company. I have found so many stories here on LS to be so very similar as mine. I personally think that two heads are better than one, three heads are better than two, etc.... I figure that if the stories and problems are the same then the reasons behind the outcome must be as well. I think when you experience a tragedy of loosing someone you love weather it by death or D-day or whatever, a person can find comfort in analyzing the hows & whys with people trying to find the same answers. If my theories contradict those of the BSs, then I appologize to them. I post them over here for that reason. I think we all do have to remember is that as OWs & BSs, we are all victims of the same crimes. I found LS to be lifeline in coping with this tragedy in the last 4 months. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 You're wrong, when some relationships end you have to provide your own closure. You cannot get closure from the source of what causes you the pain. So people look on to other's and their experiences to make some sense of their own lives. True. And when people make their own closure, they reach out to others to get insight, and need people to understand and validate their feelings. Just to be heard makes a difference in someone getting closure - Especially since not too many OW get their closure from MM. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Maybe what happens is that our own pain often gets in the way. We get into a defensive posture and when either bs or ow makes a statement that seems all inclusive we each get defensive. Especially if it seems that statement is also supposed to apply to us - but we know it doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 Yes, sometimes one must provide the closure oneself. The telling spouse that they are wrong does not provide closure though. It only provides pain to wife. The telling other they are wrong does not provide anything either other than pain for other. Wrong again, telling the BS sometimes does provide closure it ensures the cheater will be out of the OP's hair for good. It says I am closing the door on our rel. and want nothing more to do with it or you. And yes I agree it does provide pain for the BS BUT that pain was introduced to the BS the moment the cheater lied to their spouse. They had the commitment NOT not the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Hurt & Alone Posted August 8, 2007 Share Posted August 8, 2007 It is a therapy for people with pain. It helps to understand situations better so that the person can grasp what has happened, why etc.. Kind of like AA or NA group therapy. We are all here for the same reason... we need to speak with others that have been in similiar situations and what makes this better is we can express the truth of our own stories and no one knows who we are Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 I am a relative newcomer to LoveShack.org but I am confused by the many people who have posted regarding the reasons people who have affairs either leave or do not leave their wives. Why do the reasons matter? Does it make the spouse less important if the straying spouse decides to stay for reason one but the other person less important if they stay for reason two? If the affair is over then it is over. I do not understand the depth of anguish and the number of arguments over why it is over or why it is not over. If the married person is given the choice to stay with their spouse when discovered and then decides to do so, what does it matter what their reasoning is at that time or what reason they give either their spouse or affair partner at that time? If the straying person has decided to stay married unless they are a person who likes lying and having affairs they will work at making their marraige what it was not before the affair. They will be working on rebuilding the love they once had and lost. Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made? Well, I guess this question could be imposed on the OW or OM. Why venture into an Affair? Eveyone has their reasons for what they do! It belongs to the individual who makes thier own choices. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made? Hmmm...why should it matter to anyone else that the someone would have the need to know why the person made the choice they made? Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Hmmm...why should it matter to anyone else that the someone would have the need to know why the person made the choice they made? Pecisely! In the grand slam of things the only thing that matters is how the individual feels about themself when making a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 I am a relative newcomer to LoveShack.org but I am confused by the many people who have posted regarding the reasons people who have affairs either leave or do not leave their wives. Why do the reasons matter? Does it make the spouse less important if the straying spouse decides to stay for reason one but the other person less important if they stay for reason two? If the affair is over then it is over. I do not understand the depth of anguish and the number of arguments over why it is over or why it is not over. If the married person is given the choice to stay with their spouse when discovered and then decides to do so, what does it matter what their reasoning is at that time or what reason they give either their spouse or affair partner at that time? If the straying person has decided to stay married unless they are a person who likes lying and having affairs they will work at making their marraige what it was not before the affair. They will be working on rebuilding the love they once had and lost. Why should it matter to anyone what the reasons were that they made the choice they made? well...ummm, I will give u an example..Say the mm REALLY lays it on thick after D day, and absolutely convices the W that he wants her to stay, when really he's just buying some time till the kids are gone, he's gotten his finances in order, etc...It MATTERS b/c the W does not want to be duped again..Therefore, openness and honesty and complete disclosure in the very beginning are key to the M working...JMHI. Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 But why it happened does not answer why it ended does it? Or am I misunderstanding this comment? There must have been an answer given at the time of ending. Why then must there be these arguments? Simply b/c the BS has been extremely hurt...I have heard it said more then once since MY D day that finding out that SO has cheated is actually WORST then a death...When somone dies, it's final..you HAVE to move on..When there is an A...you still have the person there to deal w/ and look at and in your life if there are kids involved..You are constantly rememinded of of the A's...You imagine your SO w/ another, in bed, in the car for a Sunday drive on a spring day, havin lunch, traveling together, talking about initmate and personal things that should only be talked about between the H and W....It's a betrayal like no other...Everyone has their own personal way of handling pain and betrayal, but I believe a common trait amoung all of is in dealing w/ this is the inability to move on quicky enough for the spouse who was the betrayed...JMHI. Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 I think it is crucial for ow to know and understand the real reason why. I think it is a precursor to how she will handle herself when/if MM comes back for the kill. If she is fully understanding the truth, then she will be stronger. She will be able to say...'hey, I deserve better' and flip the blood sucking gnat from her. I think she will also be less likely to fall into a MM's trap again. Be it her former one or a new one that decides to prey on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 I think it is crucial for ow to know and understand the real reason why. I think it is a precursor to how she will handle herself when/if MM comes back for the kill. If she is fully understanding the truth, then she will be stronger. She will be able to say...'hey, I deserve better' and flip the blood sucking gnat from her. I think she will also be less likely to fall into a MM's trap again. Be it her former one or a new one that decides to prey on her. Yes, this seems very true. Please understand, I do not discount the need for either the spouse or the other to have closure nor do I discount the need for the truth in any way. My question does not pertain to those issues. My questions and confusion pertains only to the fact that the spouses and the others on this forum are constantly telling each that the other is wrong. Wrong to believe the married person told the spouse the truth upon returning. Wrong to believe the married person told the other the truth at the time of the break-up. It seems these arguments only cause pain to both the spouses and the others who write here and neither spouse nor other can ever know the truth about any affair except the one they themselves were caught in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 Wrong again, telling the BS sometimes does provide closure it ensures the cheater will be out of the OP's hair for good. It says I am closing the door on our rel. and want nothing more to do with it or you. And yes I agree it does provide pain for the BS BUT that pain was introduced to the BS the moment the cheater lied to their spouse. They had the commitment NOT not the OP. You have misunderstood my comment. I was not speaking in regards to talking to the spouse of your affair mate. I was speaking in regards to the arguments on this forum. The pain that is caused to both spouse and other by the arguments and criticism of the corresponding point of view. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 Hmmm...why should it matter to anyone else that the someone would have the need to know why the person made the choice they made? It seems that each person would want to know why a certain choice was made but surely that answer can only be gained from the person who made the choice not be arguing here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fisherfool Posted August 9, 2007 Author Share Posted August 9, 2007 It is a therapy for people with pain. It helps to understand situations better so that the person can grasp what has happened, why etc.. Kind of like AA or NA group therapy. We are all here for the same reason... we need to speak with others that have been in similiar situations and what makes this better is we can express the truth of our own stories and no one knows who we are Thank-you, Hurt. This makes a lot of sense to me. The therapy of arguing and screaming and releasing pain. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 9, 2007 Share Posted August 9, 2007 Forgive me if this has already been said. I think some people are looking for justification. A reason that steers the responsibly away from their choice helps steer the blame of the pain to someone else. I get involved in the "reasons" threads to share my situation that is rarely considered when these threads are started. It's usually passed over pretty quick or ignored entirely. It's hard for some OW to accept fact that the MM may actually be remorseful and really love his wife. It amuses me when I'm told that once things get back to normal, he will cheat again and be smarter about it. Actually, I'm the smarter one. I now know the signs that I didn't understand in the past. No OW wants to believe that she has been used to fill a mans selfish desire. No BW wants to believe that when she gives her H a second chance, he will cheat again. But, we make the choice to take that chance and if we are hurt in the end, we only have ourselves to blame no matter the reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
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