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BurriedAlive

When I was in my A with xMM, he always said that he had a good marriage. He never told me he loved me even though his actions said he did. This never made sense to me and I would ask him why he would risk a good marriage just to have sex with me. Of course, like most MMs, he said he didn't know.

 

Anyway, when it seems like almost all BS choose to take back their WS after D-day I came to an important conclusion today. It turns out that MM wasn't putting everything at risk like I thought since he must have known that his a$$ wouldn't be thrown out on the street if W found out. I guess he thought that since he wasn't willing to end the marriage because of money & the kids, she wouldn't either.

 

So I guess the point of this thread is - we all wonder why MM would risk his marriage, his money and seeing his kids for sex with us the OWs. Maybe the answer is he wasn't.....

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Very good theory! I know the BS in my situation would not end things. He thinks she will/would but I doubt it. It's all making sense!

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annabelle75

Wow. That really hit home with me. It makes alot of sense. They aren't risking losing everything. In the case of my MM, his wife even agreed to let him sleep with other women if he stayed. It seems the only thing he had to give up after D-Day was ME.

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Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.

 

I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.

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Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.

 

I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.

 

Hi HereNow. It sounds like you've been through a hell of a time, and I'm sorry. I can't imagine the amount of pain that you've been through. I have three good friends who were in your situation - they were with their husbands for years only to find out eventually that their husbands were all having affairs. The similarity of many of the postings I read on LS: The husbands didn't come clean or approach their wives about it while they were going on. The wives confronted their husbands once they found out about the affairs. The difference: all three husbands decided to not work on the marriage, went on their merry way with their OW's, and have been with them ever since. However, in all three instances, no children were involved - children and the "family" dynamic changes everything.

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When I was in my A with xMM, he always said that he had a good marriage. He never told me he loved me even though his actions said he did. This never made sense to me and I would ask him why he would risk a good marriage just to have sex with me. Of course, like most MMs, he said he didn't know.

 

Anyway, when it seems like almost all BS choose to take back their WS after D-day I came to an important conclusion today. It turns out that MM wasn't putting everything at risk like I thought since he must have known that his a$$ wouldn't be thrown out on the street if W found out. I guess he thought that since he wasn't willing to end the marriage because of money & the kids, she wouldn't either.

 

So I guess the point of this thread is - we all wonder why MM would risk his marriage, his money and seeing his kids for sex with us the OWs. Maybe the answer is he wasn't.....

 

Indeed...just like a line from Kelly Clarksons latest...

 

"You knew ..exactly what you would do..so don't say you simply lost your way"

 

my exMM told me his marriage was awful and that they'd been this way for years and that he'd actually moved out a couple of times but moved back again ..too much stuff to store bla bla bla...he said they slept in seperate rooms i didn't know if i believed him or not..he used to say a lot of stuff that sounded 'rehearsed' i never really did any asking ..he just 'injected' himself into my life and that was that..for as long as it suited 'him' of course...

And what herenow is saying is true .. my exH is still begging me to take him back 10 years after he had a one night stand..!

 

Oh well, what goes around comes around i guess..I'm just glad i'm not answerable to either of them:D

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To a certain degree, I think this is very true...

 

Sometimes I wonder why my MM takes some chances... texting me with his BB right in front of her for hours while they watch TV...

 

One time I asked him what she would do if she'd find out... First time, he said that she would kick him out... then he would move in with me...

 

I asked him again, later... and he said that she would probably forgive him and keep him... I think that is exactly what would happen... she is extremely dependant on him. She calls him 5-10 times a day just to talk to him about just anything...

 

He's got a lot of patience... LOL...but I know he loves her too...

 

So my bet, is that most of the BS would just forgive him and try to work things out... and the MM knows that, they know their W well enough, that's why they sometimes take all those chances.

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BurriedAlive
I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.

 

You may be one of the few exceptions herenow. You know, I find it hard to believe that my MM didn't think about what he had to loose during the entire year of our A. Infact, we talked about it possibly coming out often and he was always worried about what his boys would think of him. So obviously he had to have been thinking of the stakes. But I guess this just proves how selfish MMs can be when they want to satisfy their needs.....

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BurriedAlive
To a certain degree, I think this is very true...

 

Sometimes I wonder why my MM takes some chances... texting me with his BB right in front of her for hours while they watch TV...

 

One time I asked him what she would do if she'd find out... First time, he said that she would kick him out... then he would move in with me...

 

I asked him again, later... and he said that she would probably forgive him and keep him... I think that is exactly what would happen... she is extremely dependant on him. She calls him 5-10 times a day just to talk to him about just anything...

 

He's got a lot of patience... LOL...but I know he loves her too...

 

So my bet, is that most of the BS would just forgive him and try to work things out... and the MM knows that, they know their W well enough, that's why they sometimes take all those chances.

 

At the start of our A, xMM was very cautious. He would cover his tracks so well but after a few months rolled on, he would start being really careless and when I would point it out he would just brush it off.

 

My xMM's wife is also very dependent on him since she has never worked a day in her life either and calls him often. I happen to know that he threatened her after d-day about her getting nothing if she walked away from the M. Yeah, that's the way to do it, scare her into staying! That's why I would want someone to stay with me - because they are scared of having nothing! Ignorance is bliss, I guess!

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whichwayisup
he would start being really careless and when I would point it out he would just brush it off.

 

As EOJ would say "affairyland" caught up to him.

 

He got cocky and too confident, thought his wife wouldn't ever think he'd be up to no good as she trusts him.

 

I happen to know that he threatened her after d-day about her getting nothing if she walked away from the M.

 

Nice...And you want this MM? Fact that he was the one cheating on her, yet can be such a cruel man to her IF she chose to end the marriage because HE cheated and betrayed her? WTF. I take it they have children too? So, her carrying his children, having the children, creating a home together, BEING A MOM, isn't worth a dime. So what if she didn't work or make money, she was raising HIS children.

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BurriedAlive
Nice...And you want this MM?

 

NO!!! I fell for his niceguy act, just like his wife.....

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child_of_isis

This is my theory concerning carelessness and d-day...to MM, the A is just about sex. OW gets emotionally involved. MM doesn't want "emotionally involved"...he gets enough of that at home. Enter the emotional overload of two women. He's tired. He just wants it done with.

 

He becomes careless. He subconsciously wants to be caught so he can end it.

 

Then for some...a few months up the road....he is rested from the emotional overload, it becomes a distant memory.....the sex starts to look good to him again.

 

And he takes it for another whirl.

 

As EOJ would say "affairyland" caught up to him.

 

He got cocky and too confident, thought his wife wouldn't ever think he'd be up to no good as she trusts him.

 

 

 

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I agree with this theory. I think some men do engage in what is deemed to be risky because they know that in their situation they are not running any risk.

 

They know they can get away with it.

 

Let me tell you the one man who cheated on me my whole life, was the man I showed I prob wouldn't care. I did it with out meaning this but it happened. All my other mates, wouldn't think about it and to my knowledge they never even came close. They just knew the damage would be irreparable with me.

 

My ex's W showed him every single sign known to another human being that she would put up with it. And so it happened...

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Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.

 

I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.

 

Well he's not really going to lose, is he...? What, between an OW loving him and a BS doing a 180 hes got it made. So... what you're going to let him go, BS..? He's going to the OW... and the OW doesn't want him now..? Bet anything you care to gamble that the BS won't let him go just on a matter of principle.

 

No man involved in an affair is going to lose anything... the tragedy is that they seem to believe that they're about to lose everything... the fact is it's not about the Women concerned... it's about their honour, and that's something women have no real clue about. It's not about love, it's about honour... if he has a wife, he needs to be honourable... LOVE, well that's another matter.

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Bet anything you care to gamble that the BS won't let him go just on a matter of principle.

 

No man involved in an affair is going to lose anything... the tragedy is that they seem to believe that they're about to lose everything... the fact is it's not about the Women concerned... it's about their honour, and that's something women have no real clue about. It's not about love, it's about honour... if he has a wife, he needs to be honourable... LOVE, well that's another matter.

 

 

So true about the principle thing. Thing is not a BS alive that would admit to that. Suddenly it becomes about "love"? bullcrap! it's also about not losing out on everything.

 

BSs stay for the overall picture some do for love , but I think a fair number do it for the status quo.

 

And yeah "honour" on the man's part, better late than never. In their heads and with enough penance on their parts, they can win the honour back. SO not about love in some cases.

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Hurt & Alone

I think there is logical reasoning behind the W having too much to lose and therefore, the MM know they can get away with A. After reading many posts in here especially the one about what does your MM do for a living kind of puts into percpective that theory. Also, a think I may have mentioned in an early posts about an article that was written about the number of divorces are on the decline. One major reason given is that the couple have too much to lose so one or both go outside of the marriage to find whatever they are lacking in the marriage.

 

Im my situation, I had asked XMM what would happen if W found out and he said nothing becasue she has too much to lose without him, he does everything for her including all financial responsibility (at least for the last few years). When she did find out, we talked on the phone and she really upset me with some of the things she was saying about him. I bluntly told her that this is a right to divorce state and the courts do not care about aldulty, everything gets splits down the middle. I will only assume that she looked into it because after that she did not want him to leave. However, the A did end because she told the kids (older) and he did want them to think badly of him or hate him. The last thing that he said to me is that he owes it to his W and kids to make it work.

 

I have tried to convince myself that I was just a piece of a** that would make it easier on me but there was too much said and done that makes me think that for a period of time he truly did love/care about me at that point in time, to consider myself "just icing on the cake" I wish I could believe

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I think there is logical reasoning behind the W having too much to lose and therefore, the MM know they can get away with A. After reading many posts in here especially the one about what does your MM do for a living kind of puts into percpective that theory. Also, a think I may have mentioned in an early posts about an article that was written about the number of divorces are on the decline. One major reason given is that the couple have too much to lose so one or both go outside of the marriage to find whatever they are lacking in the marriage.

 

Im my situation, I had asked XMM what would happen if W found out and he said nothing becasue she has too much to lose without him, he does everything for her including all financial responsibility (at least for the last few years). When she did find out, we talked on the phone and she really upset me with some of the things she was saying about him. I bluntly told her that this is a right to divorce state and the courts do not care about aldulty, everything gets splits down the middle. I will only assume that she looked into it because after that she did not want him to leave. However, the A did end because she told the kids (older) and he did want them to think badly of him or hate him. The last thing that he said to me is that he owes it to his W and kids to make it work.

 

I have tried to convince myself that I was just a piece of a** that would make it easier on me but there was too much said and done that makes me think that for a period of time he truly did love/care about me at that point in time, to consider myself "just icing on the cake" I wish I could believe

 

 

HurandAlone consider this:

 

A man does not return time and time again to be with a woman who is just a peice of a$$. It's too much comitment, it's too much hassle, and there is just not need for it. Sex can be had anywhere...

Ask any of your single male friends if they go back to having sex with a woman they only wanted sex with. Maybe in the case of Lizzie the men do because they are seeking no strings attached and she tells them and shows them right up front that they are not getting more than fun with her. And even in some of her cases they end up falling for her.

In the casse of the typical OW here there was no need for the men to keep going back for more than once they saw the women were head over heels unless he was feeling it too.

 

C'mon a man does not go out of his way to do things for an OW when all he wants is sex. It just doesn't happen.

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Since every situation is different, I'm not going to disagree with you, but I think that in a good number of cases the BW does, as you say, throw the cheater out in the street. I know I did, and I have read many stories on LS in where other BW did the same. What happens next is the MM comes begging to be taken back. MM may not tell the OW that. Why should he? It's much easier for him to say that he stays for other reasons. It's easy to believe that a BW will do anything to get her H to stay, but in reality, that's not the way it happens.

 

I don't believe the MM is thinking about what he has to lose while he is having an affair. It hits him when he realizes that he is about to lose his wife and then the MM is the one that does everything to get her back. That's been my experience and, like I said, many others as well.

 

Though this isn't an exact match for me there are similarities. We were separated when he had the a - I had left. Our kids were grown and he had the a while doing his best to get me to come home. Once I agreed he terminated the a, told me about it, and begged my forgiveness. It took me awhile, but I did choose to give is another chance.

 

The other A's that I know of personally, one left his wife to be with the ow. They had a 2 year old.

 

Two, it was a long term affair, 20 year, he broke it off when he contracted a deadly disease. THey had no children, there was no apparent reason not to leave.

 

Three, his wife kicked him out at D-Day. At that point the ow left him. He got married and the ow was interested again.

 

Four

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Hurt & Alone

Tomcat,

I agree with this for the majority of circumstances. I was just saying in my situation it would be easier for me to cope with just a piece theory. Over two months and I am still going out of my mind missing him.

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Tomcat,

I agree with this for the majority of circumstances. I was just saying in my situation it would be easier for me to cope with just a piece theory. Over two months and I am still going out of my mind missing him.

 

 

Ok well if that is a coping theory for you, who am I to tell you how to feel. I apologise I did not realise that. And yes, I know it is EXTREMELY hard. But two months is not a long time, you are still pretty much in the thick of it though perhaps more managable than in the first few weeks. It will get even more managable in time you'll see. You are getting through the worst..so don't let that go unnoticed.

I understand your need for closure, I worry you don't do more damage to your fragile self esteem by putting ideas in your head that will only bring you down more. :(

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Hurt & Alone

I understand your need for closure, I worry you don't do more damage to your fragile self esteem by putting ideas in your head that will only bring you down more.

 

I truly appreciate that. Too bad I couldnt have read these words before making an ass of myself last friday.

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I understand your need for closure, I worry you don't do more damage to your fragile self esteem by putting ideas in your head that will only bring you down more.

 

I truly appreciate that. Too bad I couldnt have read these words before making an ass of myself last friday.

 

 

Whatever you did, it's probably not as bad as you think. You might have contacted your ex and said things you regret? Oh well...it's all part of the recovery, we all have set backs you just pick yourself back up and keep going on. Because we are all human and we ALL do stupid things we regret, again,not sure what you did but whatever it is people think about it for a split second and then they go back to their lives as if nothing.

Nothing we feel is THAt embarassing affects others as much us it does ourselves...because we are our own WORST critics. ;)

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Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that there is no "one size fits all". Affairs 4-6 that I know of personally, there were no kids involved. Either they were grown and gone (like mine and h's) or they had none. In one case the only kids were hers and they were gone. They had none together as he had gotten himself "fixed" so he couldn't have any.

 

The "well they stayed together for the sake of the children" probably does happen on occasion, but it's doubtful that all of the men (or women) who say they stay for the sake of the children really do so. Or for the sake of anything else either, other than that they stay because they want to, and they'll say anything they think the "need" to say to get themselves out of the fix that their lies got them into. After all, what's one more lie at that point?

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PoshPrincess

This is my theory concerning carelessness and d-day...to MM, the A is just about sex. OW gets emotionally involved. MM doesn't want "emotionally involved"...he gets enough of that at home. Enter the emotional overload of two women. He's tired. He just wants it done with.

 

I can see where you're coming from. It was the opposite in my case, but it amounts to the same. MM and I weren't in a sexual R as such, he was getting the emotional involvement from me that he didn't feel he was getting at home.

 

He becomes careless. He subconsciously wants to be caught so he can end it.

 

I've often wondered about this. I think my exMM knew deep down that his W wouldn't kick him out. I don't think they do consider the repercussions when they begin an A although my MM was always worried about what his kids would think of him if they found out.

 

Then for some...a few months up the road....he is rested from the emotional overload, it becomes a distant memory.....the sex starts to look good to him again.

 

And he takes it for another whirl.

 

My exMM has definitely learned his lesson. I am 99% sure of that. He found it all far too difficult, all the lies, deceit, etc, and was overcome with guilt at the amount of hurt he had caused his kids. I doubt his W, if she had any sense, would give him a second chance and I don't think he could risk that.

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