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Handling MM/MW sex with spouse?


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Hi, newbie here but really impressed with the support you all give in the many posts I've read. It's great to see a community be so open-minded and helpful.

I wanted to throw something out there and see what folks think. I'm a MM with a married OW. We were friends beforehand and things evolved quite well as we grew closer over time. We've been involved for about 4 months now, are fortunate enough to have great open communication with each other and don't view this as a fling but rather as something longer-term.

As much as we'd like to avoid the situation, we know we're going to have to weather the other's spouse wanting sex from them at some point (it happens infrequently enough in both our marriages that we just haven't run into it yet). It's not a pleasant thought for either of us and we have a running joke about cheating on each other with our spouses. Personally, I'd rather not indulge my spouse but not sure how to get around that. My OW is on the fence about it - doesn't want to but not doing so would eventually cause her marriage to fail (cliche - neither of us wants that to happen for our respective kids' sake). My questions to everyone are these:

 

1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

3. Anyone not in this situation have thoughts/perspectives that aren't clouded by having to deal with it?

 

We'd like to get this figured out so we can settle into a comfortable groove going forward. Now, if I were reading this post instead of writing it, my kneejerk response would be "Duh, yeah, you're dating a MM/MW - what do you expect?" No worries, I've gotten that already. I'm hoping folks will have something different to share. Thanks!

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I suggest you read over what you have written. Try to look at it from your spouses point of view, do they know about this cosy arrangement? Have they no say in what is going on or not going on in their marriages?

 

Is it right to start another relationship until the book is closed for good on the other one?

 

Try reading " I still love you but I am not in love with you" by Andrew G. Marshall

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LucreziaBorgia
We've been involved for about 4 months now, are fortunate enough to have great open communication with each other and don't view this as a fling but rather as something longer-term.

 

Why not share that open communication with your spouses, so that you and MW can be together?

 

 

1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

3. Anyone not in this situation have thoughts/perspectives that aren't clouded by having to deal with it?

 

1. Yes. I basically would tell whomever that I was involved with that my relationship and what went on in it was none of their business, and not to ask me about it (in the nicest way possible of course). As for who I was with, I didn't really care what went on in their marriage/relationship either. For all of my past involvements, I can honestly say that I didn't have the sort of emotional attachment that you have with your MW, so it was probably different for me.

 

2. General sentiment? As an OW/OM you have to understand and accept that if the MM/MW is having sex with their spouse, it can't very well just stop. For one thing, the MM/MW sometimes doesn't really want to (regardless of what line they are feeding you), and/or two - how would you explain that to your spouse without setting off suspicion? All the BS has to do is go online, google 'the sex has stopped', or ask about it on a forum and that red flag is right there in the top five as 'he/she is probably cheating on you'. Your spouses have seen what you are like when you fall in love - you don't honestly think they can't notice it now on some level? You may not think so, but your spouses are probably already suspicious and googling those little things that you are doing, but probably don't realize that your spouses are noticing.

 

3. Only those of us who didn't have emotional attachments, or those who have the ability to understand and accept the situation as it is. You either deal with it, and make the most of what you have or you don't deal with it and be miserable. Or, you get a divorce. Your choice.

 

You don't sound cut out for an affair. Why not divorce so that you can be together? Your spouses deserve better, and you and your MW deserve each other. Why not make that happen?

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GreenEyedLady
1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

3. Anyone not in this situation have thoughts/perspectives that aren't clouded by having to deal with it?

 

Hi there and welcome!

 

First, I am of the school that I don't have to accept anything in my R that I don't like so I don't just smile and just deal with anything...

 

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it...It hasn't happened yet...Maybe you should talk to her about it, see how you both feel and develop some type of plan on how to deal with it...Maybe just don't say anything about it, if it happens...

 

Good luck!

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1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

 

I don't care if he has sex with his W... she was there first.

 

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

 

Yes the OW/OM is expected to accept it as part of THEIR commitment. If you can't deal with it... don't ask about it or don't even talk about it... simple.

 

I find this rather immature to think that all of a sudden, they will stop having sex (even if it's once a month) with their spouse just because the OW/OM is in the picture... plus if the MM or MW doesn't want to leave for the kids' sake... then it's even more childish.

 

It's no big deal... plus, in my case, I know he's closing his eyes and pretend he's f*cking me... ;)

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child_of_isis

geesh...any time people are too cowardly to make decisions, they blame it on the children.

 

As least both you and OW get to make informative decisions concerning your life. Your spouses do not get the same luxury.

 

This whole post reeks of nothing but 2 people who only care about themselves.

 

Now really, if you cared so much about the children, you wouldn't be behaving in such a manner.

 

Be adults. Come clean with the spouses and allow those with integrity and morals to raise the children. Children do not need to learn the way to handle things are to deceive and lie.

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Because you and she have chosen to stay in this relationship, you just have to know that is will occur and just deal with it. Until you are both ready to leave your marriages, then there is nothing you can really say.

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geesh...any time people are too cowardly to make decisions, they blame it on the children.

 

As least both you and OW get to make informative decisions concerning your life. Your spouses do not get the same luxury.

 

This whole post reeks of nothing but 2 people who only care about themselves.

 

Now really, if you cared so much about the children, you wouldn't be behaving in such a manner.

 

Be adults. Come clean with the spouses and allow those with integrity and morals to raise the children. Children do not need to learn the way to handle things are to deceive and lie.

 

 

I completly agree with all you have said.

How would they like it if the boot was on the other foot?

 

Are we expected to believe that they have not had sex for four months with their spouses!

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Well I don't believe in cheating on your spouse. To answer your question though - Just because you don't desire your W it may be easier for you to not have sex in your marriage. However, if the MW's husband still desires her, she will give in no matter what she tells you. It's easier for a woman to make love with no feelings than it is for a man. She can completely detach herself from the act.

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child_of_isis

The sex with the spouses is to keep them in the dark so you all can continue to lie and deceive them.

 

How freaking skanky is that?

 

In turn, denying them free will and the ability to make life choices. For the good of themselves and their children.

 

While the both of you do have a low opinion of your spouses, you have an even lower opinion of your children. If you think for one minute that they cannot subconsciously pick up a parent's devious/deceptive actions/attitudes...you are wrong!

 

If you think for one minute children cannot internalize the parent's attitude toward sex and relationships, and how one is supposed to treat the opposite sex...you are wrong!

 

Oh yeah...it's about the children all right. Their life is a LIE.

 

How's that for a 2x4?

 

You really need to pull your head up out of The Fog and your ass, and do what's right. Stop thinking with your pecker.

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Part of the package. Deal with it.

 

You of all people should know that. You're married too! If you want to tip your W off to your little deal, you go on and deny her the sex she married you for.

 

You don't sound cut out for an A if you can't handle thoughts of her having sex with her husband. Sounds like it is really out of your emotional maturity level, no offense. You should seriously rethink your participation in the A. When the sh*t hits the fan, and it will, you sound like you won't be able to handle it at all.

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scaredinlove
Hi, newbie here but really impressed with the support you all give in the many posts I've read. It's great to see a community be so open-minded and helpful.

I wanted to throw something out there and see what folks think. I'm a MM with a married OW. We were friends beforehand and things evolved quite well as we grew closer over time. We've been involved for about 4 months now, are fortunate enough to have great open communication with each other and don't view this as a fling but rather as something longer-term.

As much as we'd like to avoid the situation, we know we're going to have to weather the other's spouse wanting sex from them at some point (it happens infrequently enough in both our marriages that we just haven't run into it yet). It's not a pleasant thought for either of us and we have a running joke about cheating on each other with our spouses. Personally, I'd rather not indulge my spouse but not sure how to get around that. My OW is on the fence about it - doesn't want to but not doing so would eventually cause her marriage to fail (cliche - neither of us wants that to happen for our respective kids' sake). My questions to everyone are these:

 

1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

3. Anyone not in this situation have thoughts/perspectives that aren't clouded by having to deal with it?

 

We'd like to get this figured out so we can settle into a comfortable groove going forward. Now, if I were reading this post instead of writing it, my kneejerk response would be "Duh, yeah, you're dating a MM/MW - what do you expect?" No worries, I've gotten that already. I'm hoping folks will have something different to share. Thanks!

 

 

 

My MM didn't had sex with his W for the first 4 yrs we were together. Than after the Dday he started having to work thinks out.

 

I felt horrible and I know he had the right to do it because they are married but I would scream and cry every time he told me.Until finally I told him that whatever he did with his W was his business and I didn't need to know.

 

Now they stopped again because they are sleeping in separated rooms. Anyway I don't think he is lying but he is that is his business.

 

Sometimes I feel jealous but than I remind myself that it is my choice to be with a married man...

 

I would suggest that you both respect the fact you both are married to another person and sex will happen and leave it out of the conversation.

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Wow, I'm amazed at the speed in which you all responded. Just wanted to say thanks for everyone taking the time to clack up your thoughts, it's quite a range of perspectives and I appreciate all of them.

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good luck with that. Spousal sex is a fact of life, but wow, it really hurts. Best i can advise is that each of you make a pact not to discuss it with each other. It's just too painful. But its really important to make sure you reassure each other of your love.

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whichwayisup

Some MM have said that their sex lives with their wives are hotter since having the affair. So, if you think your MM isn't going to have sex with his wife, you're fooling yourself. It isn't any of your business what he does with his wife behind closed doors, so if you want to stay the OW in his life, don't ask, don't tell, UNLESS you're prepared for answers to questions you probably don't want to hear.

 

My MM didn't had sex with his W for the first 4 yrs we were together

Tell me you don't actually believe this?

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i know he has sex with her. and yes it hurts like hell, but as many have said, going into a R like this you had to have known that would be part of the deal. he did say in the beginning of our R that there wasnt a lot of sex going on at home-not none-just not as much as he would have liked i guess. he has recently told me, because i asked, that things were somewhat better now. so i guess i have done some good after all :o.

 

anyway, if i were you i would choose just not to talk about it, because that will only cause you more pain. i really am having a hard time believing you are both so happy with this arrangement. affairs are hard work, and take a lot from the people involved. usually causing more anguish and distress than anything else.

 

good luck with your ongoing "groove" ;)

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When I first started seeing my MW, I was in a long term but long distance relationship, but MW couldn't handle me being with my (now ex-)gf, and I couldn't deal with the guilt of "cheating" on one or both of them. I knew that I had deep feelings for my MW, and the A had further to run, so in effect I chose to be with her over my ex-gf ...

 

MW couldn't handle the thought of me being with someone else - she said that she would get graphic visions of what I did, of sharing fluids, etc. I have only ever once had a thought about her with her H that I couldn't handle, but otherwise I have had no problem - I am an interloper in their R, I knew from the start what I was getting myself into and buried my concerns about her contact with him, accepting it as part of the price I'd pay to continue to see her. As others have said sex per the usual routine of the M is needed maintain the veneer of normalcy ...

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Hi, newbie here but really impressed with the support you all give in the many posts I've read. It's great to see a community be so open-minded and helpful.

I wanted to throw something out there and see what folks think. I'm a MM with a married OW. We were friends beforehand and things evolved quite well as we grew closer over time. We've been involved for about 4 months now, are fortunate enough to have great open communication with each other and don't view this as a fling but rather as something longer-term.

As much as we'd like to avoid the situation, we know we're going to have to weather the other's spouse wanting sex from them at some point (it happens infrequently enough in both our marriages that we just haven't run into it yet). It's not a pleasant thought for either of us and we have a running joke about cheating on each other with our spouses. Personally, I'd rather not indulge my spouse but not sure how to get around that. My OW is on the fence about it - doesn't want to but not doing so would eventually cause her marriage to fail (cliche - neither of us wants that to happen for our respective kids' sake). My questions to everyone are these:

 

1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

3. Anyone not in this situation have thoughts/perspectives that aren't clouded by having to deal with it?

 

We'd like to get this figured out so we can settle into a comfortable groove going forward. Now, if I were reading this post instead of writing it, my kneejerk response would be "Duh, yeah, you're dating a MM/MW - what do you expect?" No worries, I've gotten that already. I'm hoping folks will have something different to share. Thanks!

 

Since you both seem to have infrequent sex, but nevertheless still do have sex, with your spouses, your MOW is right that ending that all of a sudden is going to be really suspicious to your respective other halves.

 

I think the way most people in affairs deal with this is either to not ask, not tell, or just lie away to the other person.

 

In your situation I am guessing the best thing to do would be to have a don't ask don't tell scenario. It really is the only way, considering you both want to stay married and both have a sexual relationship (however sparse) with your spouses.

 

Am I right in that you're talking 'how to deal' with the fact it's going to happen, rather than trying to find a way for you both not to have sex with your spouses..?

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SIL: "My MM didn't had sex with his W for the first 4 yrs we were together"

 

Tell me you don't actually believe this?

 

Since he told her he was later having sex with his W, then why not..? He's obviously not lied about the act when it DID happen, so why automatically assume that when he said it didn't, it did..? Not everyone can't bear to hear the truth, not every MM lies and says he's not having sex when he is.

 

And strange to say, NOT getting any when your married is a huge issue, and quite normal :lmao:

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PoshPrincess

Hi Maverick, welcome to the forum.

 

Hi, newbie here but really impressed with the support you all give in the many posts I've read. It's great to see a community be so open-minded and helpful.

I wanted to throw something out there and see what folks think. I'm a MM with a married OW. We were friends beforehand and things evolved quite well as we grew closer over time. We've been involved for about 4 months now, are fortunate enough to have great open communication with each other and don't view this as a fling but rather as something longer-term.

As much as we'd like to avoid the situation, we know we're going to have to weather the other's spouse wanting sex from them at some point (it happens infrequently enough in both our marriages that we just haven't run into it yet). It's not a pleasant thought for either of us and we have a running joke about cheating on each other with our spouses. Personally, I'd rather not indulge my spouse but not sure how to get around that. My OW is on the fence about it - doesn't want to but not doing so would eventually cause her marriage to fail (cliche - neither of us wants that to happen for our respective kids' sake). My questions to everyone are these:

 

1. Has anyone else been in this situation before? If so, how did you proceed?

 

I was the equiavlent of the MW (but not married), having an A with a guy who was also in a R with someone else. I WASN'T having sex with my SO at the time. I am sure my OM was having sex with his GF but I never asked and wasn't really interested.

 

2. What's the general sentiment out there about it? Is the OW/OM expected to smile and deal with spousal sex as part of the equation or do you OWs/OMs out there feel like crap when it happens and you know about it?

 

I have also been a OW (when single) and, yes, I fully expected my MM to be having sex with his W. She IS his W, afterall, plus we weren't having sex together. Maybe by the time he got home to her he was 'gagging for it'! Unlike my previous A I was madly in love with MM and wouldn't have wanted to know, but I can only assume that they were. Yes, it does make you feel like that but that's one of the (many) negatives of havign a R with a MM!

 

3. Anyone not in this situation have thoughts/perspectives that aren't clouded by having to deal with it?

 

We'd like to get this figured out so we can settle into a comfortable groove going forward. Now, if I were reading this post instead of writing it, my kneejerk response would be "Duh, yeah, you're dating a MM/MW - what do you expect?" No worries, I've gotten that already. I'm hoping folks will have something different to share. Thanks!

 

I don't see how you and your MW/OW can continue this R in the long term. Somebody is going to get hurt. If you are only with your respective partners for the sake of the kids then I think you should take a long, hard look at things. If you and MW/OW really want to be together then you will be, and kids wouldn't get in your way. You can still be a father to them whether you live with them or not. My ex SO is a brilliant dad, probably better than when we were actually together. More quality time is spent with our son now!

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