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To: Potential OMs and OWs

Fr: A 3-yr. OM

 

I want to give the advice that I wish I would have received three years ago. If you are considering getting into an EA, stop at all costs! Yes, the attraction is so strong, you definitely are for sure that you are soulmates, your MM/MW will say "I am so not in love with my H/W" "I just sleep on the couch" "We haven't had sex for two years". The kisses feel so right, you have never felt such strong feelings when you hug the MW/MM, MW/MM listens to you like no other. I could go on and on with fifty reasons why my MW is the one.

 

But, the reality is:

-How many times does the MW/MM really leave?

-It's always the kids that keeps them from leaving.

-For me, it is, "Just give me 60 more days!" Then 60 more, then 60 more...

-You catch your MW/MM saying things like "Hi Honey" to their spouse, accepting gifts from them "not because I love him, but simply because it is a nice gift!"

-Your MW/MM says, "I am going through with the D, but my H looked so sad...that's why I have to pause."

-Then you hear things like, "My H says the same thing about me, that I need to work on my XXXX." Then you as the OM/OW start to think, maybe the MW/MM has deep-seated issues, and it simply isn't just the fault of the spouse.

-Then I hear from MW, "I have trust issues, that's why I am moving slowly through my D"

 

Blah, blah, blah - they'll tell you anything to keep you around, as the "in case of fire - break glass" person. Don't be that person!

 

It's so very selfish on the MW/MM's part -- to keep you in a state of limbo, while they figure out their own pathetic life. Don't be caught in an emotional prison like I am...You'll lose sleep, your stomach will hurt....it's just not a pleasant place to be, despite the occasional physical contact. Then if you start sleeping with that person, the rollercoaster just starts moving at warp speed....

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GreenEyedLady

 

You sound like you are at the end of your rope...

 

Perhaps you should evaluate your own life...Is it as you would like it to be?

 

If it is not, perhaps it's time to make a decision that you can be proud of in terms of moving toward your own goals...

 

If that means that she is out of the picture, then so be it...Your needs seem as if they are not being filled...Why do you let her get away with that?

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womanwuzcre8dbelow
To: Potential OMs and OWs

Fr: A 3-yr. OM

 

Blah, blah, blah - they'll tell you anything to keep you around, as the "in case of fire - break glass" person. Don't be that person!

 

I agree w/ you on just about everything you've said. I've been the OM for almost 4yrs. I pleasure her, while H goes off w/ his OW. She calls me when it's convenient for her (just for sex), doesn't bother to ask what's going on in my own life. She comes over once a week for a 4hr session and runs back home, before he gets out of work. She won't leave him b/c they have a solid financial portfolio together...I guess it's all about the money. So it's a mixture of NC and physical contact, not a good way to live.

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scaredinlove
To: Potential OMs and OWs

Fr: A 3-yr. OM

 

I want to give the advice that I wish I would have received three years ago. If you are considering getting into an EA, stop at all costs! Yes, the attraction is so strong, you definitely are for sure that you are soulmates, your MM/MW will say "I am so not in love with my H/W" "I just sleep on the couch" "We haven't had sex for two years". The kisses feel so right, you have never felt such strong feelings when you hug the MW/MM, MW/MM listens to you like no other. I could go on and on with fifty reasons why my MW is the one.

 

But, the reality is:

-How many times does the MW/MM really leave?

-It's always the kids that keeps them from leaving.

-For me, it is, "Just give me 60 more days!" Then 60 more, then 60 more...

-You catch your MW/MM saying things like "Hi Honey" to their spouse, accepting gifts from them "not because I love him, but simply because it is a nice gift!"

-Your MW/MM says, "I am going through with the D, but my H looked so sad...that's why I have to pause."

-Then you hear things like, "My H says the same thing about me, that I need to work on my XXXX." Then you as the OM/OW start to think, maybe the MW/MM has deep-seated issues, and it simply isn't just the fault of the spouse.

-Then I hear from MW, "I have trust issues, that's why I am moving slowly through my D"

 

Blah, blah, blah - they'll tell you anything to keep you around, as the "in case of fire - break glass" person. Don't be that person!

 

It's so very selfish on the MW/MM's part -- to keep you in a state of limbo, while they figure out their own pathetic life. Don't be caught in an emotional prison like I am...You'll lose sleep, your stomach will hurt....it's just not a pleasant place to be, despite the occasional physical contact. Then if you start sleeping with that person, the rollercoaster just starts moving at warp speed....

 

Hi, sorry for how you feel and I can understand it exactly!!!!!!!! I have been a oW for FIVE YEARS and I know how you feel.

 

The bad news is after that long I don't think she will leave.Mine will not either although we went thru a D-day and I thought he would. I was married and I left my H after the the D-day but he won't unless she kicks him out.

 

The good news are you can regain your control and your sanity. I am in the process of doing it.

 

Realise she won't leave and you have two choices to end or to stay.

 

Concentrated in how you feel NOT on her choices.

 

Ask yourself if you can move on OR you prefer to accept things as they are.

 

If you decide to stay like I did, try to enjoy yourself as much as you can and make her as a small part of your life.Go out with friends start a hobby and enjoy your freedom.

 

We tend to spend too much time obcessing and dreaming too much about something that won't happen.

 

And keep your eyes open for other people, you may find a woman that is single and will give you the comittiment your Mw won't .

 

Forget about her leaving concentrate on YOUR choices.Ask yourself if is more important to leave or to stay.If you want stay you have to accept the situation won't change ,at least in no time soon. If you cannot deal with that than move on ,there are plenty of single woman out there.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.:)

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It is a mixture of NC and physical contact! I am sick of being on the rollercoaster. I know what I need to do, but when I get strong enough, I get sucked in by the "I love you and need you"s....

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Sorry about how you feel...but I have to say that not all OW and OM feel like you do... some are in good relationships and are just happy with it.

 

For some OM/OW the non-commitment of the A is exactly what they are looking for... they don't want to leave their family but they have to get some of their needs fulfilled somehow from the outside.

 

It's so very selfish on the MW/MM's part -- to keep you in a state of limbo, while they figure out their own pathetic life.

 

Yes, but in some cases, the OW/OM are quite honest about what they're looking (the non commitment) but the MM or MW just fall for them... eventhough they say they understand and agree to the conditions. I don't know if that make sense..but what I'm trying to say is that some people are 'happy' with just the way it is. :o

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scaredinlove
It is a mixture of NC and physical contact! I am sick of being on the rollercoaster. I know what I need to do, but when I get strong enough, I get sucked in by the "I love you and need you"s....

 

So stop the rollercoater.I was in a rollercoater for yrs. Belive me you have only two choices either you accept it as it is and enjoy her love or you move on.Both are difficult choices. You cannot change the situation but you can change how it affects you.

 

I know now you won't understand what I am saying, but after 5 yrs I saw the light .

 

Yeah the right thing is never to get involved but when you are it is hard as hell to get out.

 

Maybe you should try NC to clear your mind. I could never go NC I broke it all the time but some people manage to go NC and they say it helps them a lot.

 

Sorry you are so upset and I know how you feel,been there done it.

 

Good luck !

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whichwayisup
And keep your eyes open for other people, you may find a woman that is single and will give you the comittiment your Mw won't .

 

I don't think that's possible because an OW/OM isn't going to move on (and isn't capable yet of letting go of) from the married person, enough to let something grow for someone else. Plus, it's soooo unhealthy to jump into another relationship. People need time alone so they can heal and actually be ready for another relationship.

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PoshPrincess
To: Potential OMs and OWs

Fr: A 3-yr. OM

 

I want to give the advice that I wish I would have received three years ago. If you are considering getting into an EA, stop at all costs! Yes, the attraction is so strong, you definitely are for sure that you are soulmates, your MM/MW will say "I am so not in love with my H/W" "I just sleep on the couch" "We haven't had sex for two years". The kisses feel so right, you have never felt such strong feelings when you hug the MW/MM, MW/MM listens to you like no other. I could go on and on with fifty reasons why my MW is the one.

 

The love bit, yeah, definitely. I didn't get the lies about sex and sleeping on the couch although they didn't always sleep in the same bed together. I never asked and it was never him saying it to get me into bed, more just honesty. I daresay if I had asked whether they'd had sex he would've lied anyway so I didn't see the point!

 

But, the reality is:

-How many times does the MW/MM really leave?

-It's always the kids that keeps them from leaving.

-For me, it is, "Just give me 60 more days!" Then 60 more, then 60 more...

-You catch your MW/MM saying things like "Hi Honey" to their spouse, accepting gifts from them "not because I love him, but simply because it is a nice gift!"

-Your MW/MM says, "I am going through with the D, but my H looked so sad...that's why I have to pause."

-Then you hear things like, "My H says the same thing about me, that I need to work on my XXXX." Then you as the OM/OW start to think, maybe the MW/MM has deep-seated issues, and it simply isn't just the fault of the spouse.

-Then I hear from MW, "I have trust issues, that's why I am moving slowly through my D"

 

The classic 'kids' story. I DO believe it to a certain extent but funny how that never comes at the beginning, more like when they're running out of all other excuses. My exMM had never-ending problems with his daughter, then his Mum getting ill. It was always SOMETHING.

 

Blah, blah, blah - they'll tell you anything to keep you around, as the "in case of fire - break glass" person. Don't be that person!

 

It's so very selfish on the MW/MM's part -- to keep you in a state of limbo, while they figure out their own pathetic life. Don't be caught in an emotional prison like I am...You'll lose sleep, your stomach will hurt....it's just not a pleasant place to be, despite the occasional physical contact. Then if you start sleeping with that person, the rollercoaster just starts moving at warp speed....

 

I have to agree with you BK. I would NEVER want to be there again, not for all the money in the world. I could just about handle the A to begin with, but the more time goes on the worse things get. I shall second your warning without a doubt!

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PoshPrincess

Apologies if the above is confusing. Can't quite get the hang of this 'quoting' thing! :o Duh!!!!! And how the hell do you quote from different posts?

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TogetherForever
Apologies if the above is confusing. Can't quite get the hang of this 'quoting' thing! :o Duh!!!!! And how the hell do you quote from different posts?

 

Posh,

I need help with the multi-quoting option also. When I click on the option, nothing happens.

:o

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ouch, this thread really hits the spot.. very very true, in my case that is.. but i know, some are happy the ways things are.

 

you just have to be strong,and DO things not for them, but for YOURSELF. because it is always about YOU. your the only person who knows what can make you Happy...

 

Good Luck to us finding the right happiness for us...

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scaredinlove
I don't think that's possible because an OW/OM isn't going to move on (and isn't capable yet of letting go of) from the married person, enough to let something grow for someone else. Plus, it's soooo unhealthy to jump into another relationship. People need time alone so they can heal and actually be ready for another relationship.

 

 

 

WWU

 

Not everyone wants to stay alone. It is possible to find other interesting people and it is possible to move on. I know you will think look who is talking...Maybe I am not the example to follow, but to live in such misery is not good.

 

Being a OW give plenty of time alone....I am looking and MM knows it. One of this days he will be history.

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BKRPM, Scared in Love, and other OP's who have hopes of one day uniting with your MM/MW completely - What do you think will be the breaking point for you to leave the situation? Or do you foresee yourself hanging on indefinitely? I know it is a gamble. I know your pain. I know your misery - I'm still getting over mine actually although I've been broken up with my MM for 6 weeks (after a 4 year friendship and a 9 month relationship).

 

You've invested so much time and faith in the person that its hard to throw the white flag up and say "I give up." You're scared. Maybe you feel a little bit of someone special is better than being completely alone. You don't want to feel like a fool for hanging on for so long. You want to know that on some level the connection you had was real and that you don't have poor judgement. You want to hang on in hopes that things will eventually change and that you can be together 100%. I understand - because, I am STILL battling these thoughts. But after a while, there's no denying that the relationship does become like an addiction - like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. Think about it. A few minutes of intense pleasure followed by hours and hours of pain and misery. I'm an ex-cigarette smoker/drinker and the similarities are undeniable.

 

The way I see it is, if it was meant to be, if they truly love you, if they truly are estranged from their BS and their marriage is as bad as they say, they will end it and come back for you. If not, then you will have not wasted anymore time and as hard as it is to imagine, you will find someone else (and hopefully it will be a completely available person.) And most importantly, you will get your self respect back slowly but surely. Believe me. But it takes a LOT of strength - I know. I have my weak moments every single day. But again, I remind myself that I am the one in charge of my own destiny and happiness. Besides, the kind people here at LS will be here to support us through it!

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BKRPM, Scared in Love, and other OP's who have hopes of one day uniting with your MM/MW completely - What do you think will be the breaking point for you to leave the situation? Or do you foresee yourself hanging on indefinitely?

 

 

I can only answer for myself but I really thought I would just be there. I thought for a long time that I was OK with how things were. I am only recently realizing that I am not . I feel things coming to a close. He is talking about wanting to leave and be with me which is a first in 3 years. He's always talked about leaving but we never talked about actually being together until recently. I would love to be with him and I have worked through the "could I really trust him" parts of it. My thing is that now that it is on the table I am starting to let it consume me, wanting him here, calling him more than I used to..... I always said to myself that I would never ask him to leave or force him to make a decision but at some point I think when it gets there you know it.

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I can only answer for myself but I really thought I would just be there. I thought for a long time that I was OK with how things were. I am only recently realizing that I am not . I feel things coming to a close. He is talking about wanting to leave and be with me which is a first in 3 years. He's always talked about leaving but we never talked about actually being together until recently. I would love to be with him and I have worked through the "could I really trust him" parts of it. My thing is that now that it is on the table I am starting to let it consume me, wanting him here, calling him more than I used to..... I always said to myself that I would never ask him to leave or force him to make a decision but at some point I think when it gets there you know it.

 

Simplegirl, it sounds like things may possibly be progressing for both of you. That's wonderful. But remember, actions speak louder than words. So hopefully he will back up his words with action. And as hard as it is, try to not let the situation consume you ( I know, easier said then done.) The trick of doing that is to get real busy doing other things. Best of luck!!!

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GreenEyedLady
What do you think will be the breaking point for you to leave the situation? Or do you foresee yourself hanging on indefinitely?

 

You've invested so much time and faith in the person that its hard to throw the white flag up and say "I give up." Maybe you feel a little bit of someone special is better than being completely alone.

 

The way I see it is, if it was meant to be, if they truly love you, if they truly are estranged from their BS and their marriage is as bad as they say, they will end it and come back for you. If not, then you will have not wasted anymore time and as hard as it is to imagine, you will find someone else (and hopefully it will be a completely available person.) And most importantly, you will get your self respect back slowly but surely.

 

My breaking point would be the realization that it was never going to happen...And it's not an indefinite situation...

 

I don't have a little bit of something special and I am not afraid to be alone...I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL and it's mine alone...I don't need someone's name to tell me whether someone loves me or not...

 

And I have my self-respect; I have never lost it...

 

But you're right if it's meant to be, it will be...

 

So save your preaching for someone else...I'm not lost, I'm found...:D

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BKRPM, Scared in Love, and other OP's who have hopes of one day uniting with your MM/MW completely - What do you think will be the breaking point for you to leave the situation? Or do you foresee yourself hanging on indefinitely?!

 

While i won't settle for 'anybody' just to have 'somebody' i also know that to compare other available men with mm is silly and unfair..

Of course i will never have what 'we' had with anybody else..there will never be the same deceitful, uncertain and dishonest dynamics that happen during an affair..the absences that cause the fondness and the classic lines they use to keep you hanging on...

Looking back at my brainwashed self listening to him saying "No one will compare for either of us" I can now see why i shouldv'e replied .."No **** Sherlock..how can it..this is a relationship built on lies deciet and stolen time on your behalf..hello!!"

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scaredinlove
BKRPM, Scared in Love, and other OP's who have hopes of one day uniting with your MM/MW completely - What do you think will be the breaking point for you to leave the situation? Or do you foresee yourself hanging on indefinitely? I know it is a gamble. I know your pain. I know your misery - I'm still getting over mine actually although I've been broken up with my MM for 6 weeks (after a 4 year friendship and a 9 month relationship).

 

You've invested so much time and faith in the person that its hard to throw the white flag up and say "I give up." You're scared. Maybe you feel a little bit of someone special is better than being completely alone. You don't want to feel like a fool for hanging on for so long. You want to know that on some level the connection you had was real and that you don't have poor judgement. You want to hang on in hopes that things will eventually change and that you can be together 100%. I understand - because, I am STILL battling these thoughts. But after a while, there's no denying that the relationship does become like an addiction - like smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. Think about it. A few minutes of intense pleasure followed by hours and hours of pain and misery. I'm an ex-cigarette smoker/drinker and the similarities are undeniable.

 

The way I see it is, if it was meant to be, if they truly love you, if they truly are estranged from their BS and their marriage is as bad as they say, they will end it and come back for you. If not, then you will have not wasted anymore time and as hard as it is to imagine, you will find someone else (and hopefully it will be a completely available person.) And most importantly, you will get your self respect back slowly but surely. Believe me. But it takes a LOT of strength - I know. I have my weak moments every single day. But again, I remind myself that I am the one in charge of my own destiny and happiness. Besides, the kind people here at LS will be here to support us through it!

 

I am hooked to him and has been 5 yrs. It is a relationship and as any relationship no one can really know wht is coming next. We may broke up, he may leave her, she may kick him out , I may find someone new. Who knows???

 

I have know idea what will take to make me leave, the d-day come and went, his day to leave her came and went, may own deadline for myslf came and went and i am still with him. If you read thru my posts you will see.

 

But lately I totally accepted that there is no other way we can be together. No for many many years or maybe never. Who knows?

 

I leave for the moment and enjoy him. I can't leave ,I don't want to leave and he said he will be with me for the rest of his life as a OW and in the future as my H.

 

Well ,who knows what the future will bring. I do have my ups and downs but for must parts i am happy. He loves me and i know it.

 

Why he dosen't leave I don't know and I don't think he knows either. I don't ask anymore .I decided never to ask again.

 

I guess one day i will move on. i am kind of looking but I always measure the new guys by him and they always lose.

 

I don't know I will let it take it own course since I can't fight it I might as well go with the flow.

 

No more suffering,wanting,wondering. I live one day at a time.

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My breaking point would be the realization that it was never going to happen...And it's not an indefinite situation...

 

I don't have a little bit of something special and I am not afraid to be alone...I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL and it's mine alone...I don't need someone's name to tell me whether someone loves me or not...

 

And I have my self-respect; I have never lost it...

 

But you're right if it's meant to be, it will be...

 

So save your preaching for someone else...I'm not lost, I'm found...:D

 

Hi GEL. I'm sorry. I'll have to go back and read what your particular situation is. I mean no disrespect and am not preaching. I didn't write that passage for those OP's that are happy in their situation. If you are one of those, that's wonderful.

 

I wrote that passage to support those OP's that are not happy with their situation, have come to their breaking point, and are ready to move on and need support to get there. And, I will admit, that writing is also very theraputic to me as I am one of those who was more miserable than happy in the situation (even though I'm very much in love with my MM and he with me), but have chosen to stay away unless and until he finalizes things and gets a divorce. Its not easy to let go, but I feel that this is what is best for me, and everyone else involved (including his children.)

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