Not sure what to think...

[moriah101]

For starters, I can't believe I found this place. I never thought there was somewhere I could go. Thank you!

 

I met a guy through work, he's married, I was dating someone casually. It was a new job and it was not a good fit. He was basically the only person I talked to in the office for 8 months. We became really good friends, or at least what I consider to be really good friends. We talked about work, friends, our significant others, all the things I talk about with my female friends. I think because of the isolation he became a little too important to me. After 8 months I got a job offer working for an old boss and I left the company. Right after I left he decided he needed to tell me that he had feelings for me. We only emailed back and forth and we'd meet for lunch every month or so, you know, keeping up the contacts. I didn't want to break off the friendship, so I said he had to bury it or we couldn't be friends. Well, to make a long story short, he didn't and I don't know why but I fell into it and now we're having an affair, I guess both emotional and physical.

 

We talk about his "marital problems", and I push for him to fix his marriage. He talks about leaving his wife but I always turn around and tell him that his daughter (she's 2) is the most important thing and he wants everyday contact with her and there's only one answer to that. I've also told him that he has to break it off with me to have an open and honest relationship with his wife. I also talk about my future, my plans, my dreams, and none of them ever include him. I admit it, I'm weak and I like having him around. At this point, he adds to my life. But I also think I make it clear that this is not a long term thing or the right thing.

 

Anyways, I just needed somewhere I could say this out loud. And I need you all to remind me that this isn't real, there is no future (because sometimes I dream about one even though I know it's not something that can happen). The hardest part is when he asks me what I want and I feel like he wants me to say that I want to be with him forever.

[whichwayisup]

I've also told him that he has to break it off with me to have an open and honest relationship with his wife.

 

Why are you waiting for him to end it? Honestly, he cannot even try to fix his marriage with you still in his life. You're having an affair with him, so why would he try to make things better at home when now he is two women in his life, meeting all his needs. You need to take control, and end it yourself.

 

I also talk about my future, my plans, my dreams, and none of them ever include him. I admit it, I'm weak and I like having him around. At this point, he adds to my life. But I also think I make it clear that this is not a long term thing or the right thing.

 

Seeing as you have no plans to ask him to leave his wife and child, it is best to end it now. It's not a healthy or true friendship. Keeping someone in your life for your own selfish reasons and being too weak to walk away just isn't right. I know you said in your post, but now you need to put yourself in his wife's shoes. And, think about their child. You're helping him cheat on his wife, and betray his family unit. He isn't 'yours' so to speak and yes, even though you're having the affair with him, being his confident when it comes to his marriage problems, you honestly do not know if he is telling you the truth. Go read threads in this section. You'll see that the marriages aren't as bad as some MM's make it out to be.

 

You both are caught up in the fun/fantasy part of the affair...Look at it this way. This man has cheated on his wife - He has a child. He has broken his vows, and lied. IF he did leave his wife and child for you - COULD you ever fully trust him?

 

Anyway, I hope you do what is best before so many people get hurt. No good can come of it, even though you both are enjoying being 'in the moment...' Sooner or later those moments go away, pain and heartache will be the replacement.

 

Good luck.

[justice]

For starters, I can't believe I found this place. I never thought there was somewhere I could go. Thank you!

 

I met a guy through work, he's married, I was dating someone casually. It was a new job and it was not a good fit. He was basically the only person I talked to in the office for 8 months. We became really good friends, or at least what I consider to be really good friends. We talked about work, friends, our significant others, all the things I talk about with my female friends. I think because of the isolation he became a little too important to me. After 8 months I got a job offer working for an old boss and I left the company. Right after I left he decided he needed to tell me that he had feelings for me. We only emailed back and forth and we'd meet for lunch every month or so, you know, keeping up the contacts. I didn't want to break off the friendship, so I said he had to bury it or we couldn't be friends. Well, to make a long story short, he didn't and I don't know why but I fell into it and now we're having an affair, I guess both emotional and physical.

 

We talk about his "marital problems", and I push for him to fix his marriage. He talks about leaving his wife but I always turn around and tell him that his daughter (she's 2) is the most important thing and he wants everyday contact with her and there's only one answer to that. I've also told him that he has to break it off with me to have an open and honest relationship with his wife. I also talk about my future, my plans, my dreams, and none of them ever include him. I admit it, I'm weak and I like having him around. At this point, he adds to my life. But I also think I make it clear that this is not a long term thing or the right thing.

 

Anyways, I just needed somewhere I could say this out loud. And I need you all to remind me that this isn't real, there is no future (because sometimes I dream about one even though I know it's not something that can happen). The hardest part is when he asks me what I want and I feel like he wants me to say that I want to be with him forever.

 

Ok, I'll bite. This isn't real. Except for when his wife finds out and it really starts to hurt everyone. Is that what you want? *shakes head*

He has a wife and he has a child that you seem to care about. It's obvious that he isn't going to end the cake eating so it's in your hands to put a stop to it. Don't fall into this. Get up and get out before D day happens. Tell him that you can't love him or be with him until he has the signed divorce papers in his hands. If that is what you want. This is straight talk here, I'm not flaming you. After telling him that, stick to your guns and go as no contact as you can. Then you'll see if he was ever really serious about your or just having his cake and eating it too. Good luck to you. Think about the consequences, is it really worth what lies down the road if you don't end it here? His wife....his child....their marriage? Your sanity and well being?

[frannie]

Reading your story, I'm wondering... why did you get into the whole affair anyway if you already knew it was 'not real'..? Or have you come to that conclusion since you got involved..?

 

And why do you need other people to tell you what you 'know'..? What is it you want from the relationship..? And if it's nothing, then what do you want from the support on this board..?

[moriah101]

Frannie - good questions. I guess this was the first time that I was able to say anything out loud, well, as out loud as a typed message can get. It gets confusing when it's just all in my head. I don't know why I'm in it. I'm a firm believer of you can't help how you feel but you can control how you act. It was such a long time coming. We were just friends for so long before hand. Well, I thought we were just friends, I treated him exactly like I treat all people who are my friends and we talked about the things that friends talk about. I don't at this point know what he thought and partly that's because everyone says men who cheat are just liars and that nothing is real. I guess at this point I don't know what's real anymore.

 

I know that this can't happen, I know I have to cut it off. I know I've compromised my morals and I'm doing something terrible. I do hesitate to agree with people who say that he's just using me. I know he's lying and there's stuff that he's probably lying to me about. But when I look at what happens when we're together, it's the friendship that is always front and center. And I'm going to miss my friend. And we play an online computer game and I'm really going to miss my guild because I'm definitely going to have to transfer my character.

 

I don't know. I just needed to say it. And read it, to help me do what's right. Because it's just not easy. But thanks everyone for reading and responding, I really appreciate it.

[norajane]

We talk about his "marital problems", and I push for him to fix his marriage. He talks about leaving his wife but I always turn around and tell him that his daughter (she's 2) is the most important thing and he wants everyday contact with her and there's only one answer to that. I've also told him that he has to break it off with me to have an open and honest relationship with his wife.

 

If you truly feel this way, YOU must leave him. The time and energy he is putting into sneaking around, lying and cheating is all time and energy he is not devoting to fixing his marital problems. Your affair is adding to his marital problems.

 

And all those hopes and dreams for the future that you have and that do not include him...you are delaying your opportunity to go after those dreams the longer you spend with him. You won't be able to get involved (or even really notice) another man until you clear this one out of your mind and your life.

[overandout]

If you truly feel this way, YOU must leave him. The time and energy he is putting into sneaking around, lying and cheating is all time and energy he is not devoting to fixing his marital problems. Your affair is adding to his marital problems.

 

And all those hopes and dreams for the future that you have and that do not include him...you are delaying your opportunity to go after those dreams the longer you spend with him. You won't be able to get involved (or even really notice) another man until you clear this one out of your mind and your life.

 

 

I actually think that often, the affair is "helping" the mm in his stale marriage. As long as he can keep the two relationships completly separate he is fine with it, but when the OW pushes for more, or the BS becomes suspicious, then he has to make a choice.

 

When I bumped into my xmm after several months of NC, just about the first thing he said to me was that he and his wife had been having problems. But I also know that he still has a stale marriage and would resume with me if I wanted to, as he hangs around places that he knows I go to. So far I have evaded him out of choice as I needed to break the pattern. Also he never told me he didn't want a future with me, but I now realise that he wanted to keep me dangling and wondering about him so that he could resume later on. He never wanted it to be over.

 

You have to get the closure yourself.

[child_of_isis]

Rule number one...never ever, EVER EVER, allow a MM to unload on you about "marital problems'.

 

I liken it to a predator grooming a victim.

[norajane]

I actually think that often, the affair is "helping" the mm in his stale marriage. As long as he can keep the two relationships completly separate he is fine with it, but when the OW pushes for more, or the BS becomes suspicious, then he has to make a choice.

 

I understand what you're saying. But I don't entirely agree.

 

An affair adds sneaking around, telling lies, remembering what lies he told, creating alibis, creating more distance between him and his wife, secrets, hiding cell phone records, pretending things are 'normal' at home with his wife and kids, buying and hiding condoms, fear of getting the OW pregnant, and the fear of getting caught on top of all his other problems.

 

And if his wife notices that he is more distant, withdrawn, secretive, and absent from the house, it's going to affect her behavior as well - she's hardly going to become more loving and attentive to him - which is going to create even more tensions and problems in their marriage.

 

And while he's doing all that sneaking around and deceiving, he's not doing anything to work on his marriage to make it better.

[pricillia]

Reading your story, I'm wondering... why did you get into the whole affair anyway if you already knew it was 'not real'..? Or have you come to that conclusion since you got involved..?

 

And why do you need other people to tell you what you 'know'..? What is it you want from the relationship..? And if it's nothing, then what do you want from the support on this board..?

 

 

 

because Frannie,

 

This is a process and out of everyone you should realize it, just because we know something is not good for us does not mean that we won't do it.

Seems like OP needs some advice and support from other OW

[moriah101]

I've been reading on this for a few days now. Such a wide range of beliefs! I've also spent a lot of time thinking about things and why they started and why I'm still there and all of that stuff.

 

And I've come to a totally different conclusion than I thought I would. I like being here. I have an amazing and full life filled with things that I love to do. And every boyfriend I have ever had has wanted me to curtail those activities to spend time with him. Which is probably how a relationship is supposed to work, but I've always resented having to make time so that I can sit and watch football (which I hate) and let him fondle me. Being with my MM, it's an hour once a week or so and then emails throughout the work day. He doesn't ask for anymore than that which suits me.

And the time we spend together? We have a lot of fun. He thinks my hobbies make me more appealing and we share a bunch of them. And as I've heard stated here time and time again, I get his best behavior, and he works hard to make me happy. And at the end of the day, he still goes home and I'm free to do as I please. And that might be selfish but I'm not sure I care.

 

He's also helped me through some trust issues (ironic isn't it?) that I really thought nobody would ever be patient enough to deal with. But he did, and there was no promise of sex coming out of it either. I can honestly say that I will be a healthier, happier person because of this affair.

 

I like giving him affection. And he needs a lot. I believe him when he says that he doesn't get the affection at home. From what I've heard through the office grapevine and the times I met his wife, I believe that he's insecure and been emotionally beaten down. So that's what he gets back out of our relationship. And if that helps him with his "grief and frustration" (his quote) with the commitment he made to his wife, so be it. I'm not perfect and nobody else is either.

Basically he might be a cake eater, but then again isn't that exactly what I'm doing?

I really care about this person, and I think he really cares about me. And I think our relationship works for each of us. I've taken a lot of comfort from the people here who are in long term affairs and who seem to not be unhappy with them. Sometimes I think that what society deems as the only appropriate relationship is very limiting.

And if the subject of him leaving his wife ever comes up? That's going to have to be a whole new discussion. I'm not asking for that and he's not mentioning it.

Whew! Again, thanks for listening, and I know this time I'm pissing off a whole bunch more people. But so it goes.

[moriah101]

Drat, it posted twice.

[simplegirl]

Moriah101 - I am with you, or should I say I have been. I have been with my MM for 3 years and it worked for me. I had my life, he had his but we had so much fun together. I have never asked him to leave his BS, not because I wouldn't want to be with him but because it wasn't what I wanted (does that make any sense). I like the way it was then so I agree with you. We are now at a point where he wants more with me and that is putting thoughts in my head that I never really had other than the sure fantasy of it. I'm ready to get back to the way it was and see what happens! All I can say is what works for some doesn't work for everyone. Once you aren't happy then you have to figure it all out.

[norajane]

Basically he might be a cake eater, but then again isn't that exactly what I'm doing?

I really care about this person, and I think he really cares about me. And I think our relationship works for each of us.

 

Guess it doesn't matter that you and he are taking away his wife's choice to determine what works for her and their daughter?

 

He's also helped me through some trust issues (ironic isn't it?) that I really thought nobody would ever be patient enough to deal with. But he did, and there was no promise of sex coming out of it either. I can honestly say that I will be a healthier, happier person because of this affair.

 

You've barely begun. You might have something far different to say after you get mired, develop feelings, and get sick at the thought the he goes home to his wife when you wish to be with him. Or when you find out he has lied to you. MM lie, it's what they do - you, as the OW are not immune to being lied to.