Jump to content

the "thrill of sneaking around" myth


Recommended Posts

annabelle75

I was going to reply in another thread but thought to be on the safe side I would start my own so as not to accidentally take the initial thread off topic. The thread asked the simple question of “why do the feelings in an affair seem to run so much deeper and feel so much more intense?”

 

Its time to break a myth about OM/OW in affairs. Ready? Here goes:

 

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE THRILL OF SNEAKING AROUND WITH SOME ONE ELSES’ SPOUSE !!!

 

Did I say that loud enough? There is nothing fun about having to hide a relationship with some one you love. On the MM/MW side, this might be the case. Perhaps they need some sort of hidden thrill if they are bored with their marriage. But nine times out of ten the OM/OW do not get the same thrill out of it, in fact it is very frustrating and hurtful to have to hide it.

 

Ready to break another myth? Here we go:

 

IT’S NOT ABOUT STEALING SOME ONE ELSE’S SPOUSE !!!!! IT’S NOT A COMPETITION !!!!

 

Usually the OW/OM doesn’t think much about the MM/MW’s spouse at all. The relationship has nothing to do with them. As time goes on and the eventual tug of war begins and the MM/MW has to choose, it can seem competitive but that was not the trigger for the relationship and isn’t the reason the OW/OM wants the MM/MW to choose them. Like any other relationship it is about “love.”

 

And, in answer to the original thread’s question “why do the feelings in an affair seem to run so much deeper and feel so much more intense?”:

 

I like to refer to it as “the bubble effect.” When you are in an affair you become very isolated. The relationship is a very big part of your life that can only be shared or talked about with the MM/MW. Keeping that kind of secret keeps you to certain extent at arms length from others around you, even your closest family and friends. The MM/MW becomes your emotional focal point and the relationship becomes very emotionally intense and dependent quickly. Often times if you come clean to a friend or someone you trust and the bubble is burst, the dependency will lessen. Its common for anyone in an affair to feel these kinds of intense emotions. It is also common for the intensity to lessen if the affair eventually comes out into the open. Once it is no longer a secret, you won’t have to depend on the MM/MW so much for emotional support.

Link to post
Share on other sites

AMEN to that sister!!!

 

It's about time someone spoke up about the reality of their experience vs a bunch of people who never experienced an A, speculating a bunch of myths that apply to a select few.

 

Some people I am sure are addicted to sneaking around and lying and the whole pathology behind committing serial affairs, but for a lot of people it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hurt & Alone

Speaking from my own experiance I know that the sneaking around and the secrets were agonizing. Many times my xmm stated that he wanted to share his experiance with friends and other times he was so deeply troubled that he had kept the A from the W. Many times I asked him to walk away from me because I could see it was tearing him apart. Now that is is no longer a secret to his W and the affair has ended I wish he would have walked away from me like I orginally asked. Maybe we would still have a friendship and I would not be torn between all the leftover emotions because the W ended it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
annabelle75
AMEN to that sister!!!

 

It's about time someone spoke up about the reality of their experience vs a bunch of people who never experienced an A, speculating a bunch of myths that apply to a select few.

 

Some people I am sure are addicted to sneaking around and lying and the whole pathology behind committing serial affairs, but for a lot of people it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with that.

 

I think some people have this unfounded assumption that OM/OW have soem sort of deviant sexual thrill out of sneaking around with some one else's spouse. It is sooooooo not the case for most OM/OW.

 

I honestly think the BS that post in the OM/OW board could learn alot about the anatomy of an affair from the OM/OW point of view instead of holding onto the cliched myths that are often posted here. I think if more people listened to what the OM/OWs are trying to say they might understand why the As happen in the first place. It would be beneificial to all parties involved I think.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh so true, you are an amazing women with respect to life experience!

mm's and ow only have each other that "know" what is going on it's how it turns from sex to EA, and, at least in my case. It's not competitive at all, actually I found us both telling the other one after different stages, "I'm not going to be the one that caused the divorce, you will not trade spouse for lover, you will leave spouse for the sole purpose of wanting to leave...sounds funny to explain morals while in an affair:o

Link to post
Share on other sites

So so true. I completely relate Annabelle and Hurt&ALone!

 

Another myth I woul like to debunk or at least touch upon is this whole notion that an A is a fantasy relationship that only the good is seen in both parties therefore the love is superficial and not based on how people really are.

 

In my experience and what seems to be a lot of people here on LS the relationship was filled with hardships and long talks of what motivated us to do what we were doing, of speculation, of resistance on what is the best way to resolve the situation, it was filled with disagreements and insecurities and moments of much deliberation and thought. Much like what a relationship feels like just before the end is near, and not at all like what a relationship should be in the honeymoon stage. In many respects it was more raw and emotional than any relationship I have ever had, and it was real in many ways that other rels were not. We saw each other's strengths and weaknesses all in a very short times span, we delved into depths that normally take a very long time to do in a normal long term rel.

 

It just makes me laugh when people imagine As as this fairyland of good times, great sex and perfect moments. Very rarely is an A that, it is perhaps MORE real than what you experince in a reg rel, for the very fact that you are each other's confidants, excitement, emotional support, source of pain, and hope or light at the end of the tunnel ...all in one go.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
annabelle75

That's another good one TC. Most As are far from a fantasy.

 

I think MM/MW that end affairs and stay in their marriages are the ones that usually perpetuate these myths. Saying it was all just like a fanatasy, the feelings weren't real, its was just a thrill to sneak around and the big one "it was just about sex" are ways of those that have cheated of dismissing the relationship of the A so as to appease the spouse they are staying with. Although it may make the reality of having a spouse cheat on them easier to swallow, it's not true.

 

My MM told me when he decided to go back to his wife that he was going to tell her what ever he had to to get her to forgive him and forget that he cheated. And that was exactly what he did. By the time he was done she was convinced that she was rescuing him some predator that preyed on married men and tried to destroy their families. He conveniently left out the fact that I didn't know he was married until after he had proposed to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hurt & Alone

Oh My, How this hits home. My xmm has stated the same thing in fact he is also providing details (whatever she wants to know) of our rel and of course the W relates it back to me but in in a pschopathic way. He never proposed to me but did say he would be with me if he could.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
I think some people have this unfounded assumption that OM/OW have soem sort of deviant sexual thrill out of sneaking around with some one else's spouse. It is sooooooo not the case for most OM/OW.

 

I honestly think the BS that post in the OM/OW board could learn alot about the anatomy of an affair from the OM/OW point of view instead of holding onto the cliched myths that are often posted here. I think if more people listened to what the OM/OWs are trying to say they might understand why the As happen in the first place. It would be beneificial to all parties involved I think.

 

I think that most BS's really don't even believe that in their heart of hearts...But how can they continue the M if they believe that their H really loved another woman? I think it's one of those defense mechanisms that allows them to be with the man they love with him as more of a victim of the OW...From what I've seen on these boards that pretty much the general consensus...

 

And really who can blame them? They have their memories blurred by "That was when he was with her,"...it's easier to think of him as being in the "fog"...

Link to post
Share on other sites

My MM told me when he decided to go back to his wife that he was going to tell her what ever he had to to get her to forgive him and forget that he cheated. And that was exactly what he did. By the time he was done she was convinced that she was rescuing him some predator that preyed on married men and tried to destroy their families. He conveniently left out the fact that I didn't know he was married until after he had proposed to me.

 

Well he didn't lie. He said he would do whatever to get her back. Even if that meant leaving important parts out and lying. I feel sorry for his W.

 

BTW, Huh? You never knew until he proposed to you? :eek:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree, there is no thrill here. Not to thrilling when we are so limited to what we can do together in a small town. I see no competition either, in my mind I know the w exsit, but I see a faceless person , more like a ghost, who I know is there. The bubble , oh yes the big bubble. I think that is why these relationships are so intense. We spend many hours of the day talking, about everything in life, very deep conversations. We open our souls to one another. I dont think " normal couples" go through this period for as long as A go through. They have other things they get to do, but because of having to stay in this bubble, we share our deepest secrets anfd thoughts, therefore the intensity

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
annabelle75
Well he didn't lie. He said he would do whatever to get her back. Even if that meant leaving important parts out and lying. I feel sorry for his W.

 

BTW, Huh? You never knew until he proposed to you? :eek:

 

It's a long story that I've shared here before, but here's the cliff's notes edition. I met him through a group of mutual friends. We were all from different parts of the country and would meet up for sports tournaments we were all fans of. When he joined the group we all thought he was in the middle of a divorce. Since he lived in another state I didn't know any different. We were friends at first, but once I seperated from my husband he pursued me. I eventually gave in and started seeing him. After only a few months he asked me to marry him. I said "No" becasue it was too soon and my divorce wasn't even finaled yet. A week and a half later the **** hit the fan when his wife, whom he was very much still with, discovered emails he had sent me and busted him.

 

It was all very ugly and hurtful. I'm OK now, but I'm not very good at the whole "trusting men" thing. Its gonna take a while longer for that to heal.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry for what he put you through. I have found that MM that cheat are a special breed (not all , but most) after reading posts on this forum. It's all about manipulation. I was so manipulated it's pathetic. I don't feel trust will come too easily or too soon either.

 

Thank goodness you found out when you did, but I'm still sorry for your hurt.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think if more people listened to what the OM/OWs are trying to say they might understand why the As happen in the first place. It would be beneificial to all parties involved I think.

 

I don't care why it happened. If you say it was neglect, not getting a need met...well then hell, by that logic, I should have gone out and f#cked 100 women while I was married.

 

All that matters is that it happened and she is now out of my house.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster

I never bought into either of those explanations. I always thought OW would accept being OW because they couldn't find any nice available men and they just want to feel loved.

 

So why are OW okay with being OW then? This obviously doesn't apply to those unwitting OW who dumped the MM when they found out he was married.

 

Are there any of those here?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I never bought into either of those explanations. I always thought OW would accept being OW because they couldn't find any nice available men and they just want to feel loved.

 

So why are OW okay with being OW then? This obviously doesn't apply to those unwitting OW who dumped the MM when they found out he was married.

 

Are there any of those here?

 

and that's fine you are entitled to your myths as well. For the most part OW CAN get single men it just so happend that due to circumstances that were NOT premeditated we fell in love with a man that sold us a lie, we bought it, but so do a lot of BS who take them back so....

Really we are the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
annabelle75
and that's fine you are entitled to your myths as well. For the most part OW CAN get single men it just so happend that due to circumstances that were NOT premeditated we fell in love with a man that sold us a lie, we bought it, but so do a lot of BS who take them back so....

Really we are the same.

 

Good point. Very few people intentional look for married people to fall in love or have an relationship with.

 

It seems to me that most BS spout the same story about how the OW was some how out looking for a married man. I wonder if they honestly believe it. Do they really think that their husband cheated on them because some female predator was out stalking married men?

 

Here's a good question for allthe OM/OW here:

 

How many OW/OM here intentionally began a relationship with a MM/MW because you wanted to be with a person that was married?

Link to post
Share on other sites
It seems to me that most BS spout the same story about how the OW was some how out looking for a married man. I wonder if they honestly believe it. Do they really think that their husband cheated on them because some female predator was out stalking married men?

 

Here's a good question for allthe OM/OW here:

 

How many OW/OM here intentionally began a relationship with a MM/MW because you wanted to be with a person that was married?

 

 

Exactly!! In my case I was very aggressively persued, even when I told him I would have not part of it and he should go to couples therapy to fix his marriage rather than seek ME out, his response was "no there is nothing to fix I don't want to work on the marriage"

But of course it is much easier to think we convinced them to cheat.

As a BS you gotta tell something to yourself to forgive don't you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trialbyfire

I highly doubt any normal OW/OM is looking for a MM/MW, unless you're in some form of servicing industry.

 

The appeal of an MM/MW is that they tend to be a little more financially stable and technically unavailable, although they can be physically and/or emotionally available, depending on their "needs".

 

I believe that there is a thrill inherent in an affair that adds to the illicit nature of an affair. It's like taking crack or the thrill of any other illegal, adrenaline rush scenario. That's what the OW in my situation expressed so you can't generalize for all OW/OM. Each one has a different "need", as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
HappyAtLast

The appeal of an MM/MW is that they tend to be a little more financially stable....

 

Seems to me that, in this day and age professional single folks have much more financial stability / net worth than married folks just by nature of the fact that they don't have children to support.

 

JMHO

Link to post
Share on other sites
The appeal of an MM/MW is that they tend to be a little more financially stable....

 

Seems to me that, in this day and age professional single folks have much more financial stability / net worth than married folks just by nature of the fact that they don't have children to support.

 

JMHO

 

 

I was totally going to make that point too. I don't necessarily agree with that part either...

I have dated a lot of men who have more than enough money to throw around...heck towards the end my guy was roughing it having to pay for a mor'tgage on the marriage house and a hefty rent on his own apartment so being financially stable was definitely not his strongest point.

 

 

Trial oh my god how cute is that cat in the sock thing? LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trialbyfire

Many times the MM/MW experience financial instability through the dissolution of their marriage. Economically speaking, based on hard statistics, a married couple has more assets than a single person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Many times the MM/MW experience financial instability through the dissolution of their marriage. Economically speaking, based on hard statistics, a married couple has more assets than a single person.

 

 

yup! yet another good reason to not take the leap into the unknown...financial instability

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trialbyfire
yup! yet another good reason to not take the leap into the unknown...financial instability

Best not to get involved in an affair in the first place. ;)

 

Btw, my sig is a play on the Dune series written by Frank Herbert. Loved the twisting plots, power, religion, metaphysics, all of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...