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So here I am feeling a bit better about a future without MM. I am starting to look at him for who he really is, seeing things that concern me, trying to detach a little, regain my personal power, etc., etc.

 

So we talk last night and he sounds miserable. And I ask him what is wrong. He tells me he is very emotional, doesn't feel well and he'll talk to me about it in person. So we go out to lunch today.

 

His W told him she wants to put the house on the market within the next month or so because she is moving 5 states away to be with her family in September.

 

BAM!

 

At first, I was elated. Then I started feeling like hell. One, I'm annoyed that he is now moving faster because she is forcing his hand than when I was trying to force his hand. (I knew something was up, btw, because when he did call me yesterday he was cleaning out his garage...something he'd been promising me for months and not doing). Maybe it shouldn't matter how it ends, only that it does. But for some reason, it has me annoyed. Would he have ever left on his own devices? He has, recently, been giving me a play by play (without me asking) of his progress. But now he is really in super fast gear and kinda uptight about it. He has been telling me he has wanted to move most of his stuff and himself out in the next 2 months, but he had hoped to have until the end of the year to get everything out. Wtf? Was it his intention to lead me on for the rest of year?

 

Two, he is sad. I know he has a right to be. Am I being unreasonable?

I said that he had to let her make her decision without any influence from him. That he was staying in the M for pratical reasons, but the only reason she could have been staying in a marriage where her and her h do nothing together and he's with another woman 5 days and nights a week was because she was afraid of being alone and she finally realized it is more lonely in the M and she needs to go to her family. He started crying. I felt bad and suggested that maybe if it this difficult, they should try their M one last time. He told me there is simply no foundation for them to build on because they have nothing in common. This was probably the most emotional and open he's been with me. Yet it hurts. Should I let it? What does it mean? Does it mean he's finally dealing with it? Does it mean he and I are a sham? What?

 

Third, apparently the topic came up because she was complaining about not liking her job. He suggested she do something else like take some classes, etc., and then she said they needed to talk, she wasn't going to be here to take classes because she was moving in September. I am highly annoyed that he even made a suggestion like that. She's been tiptoeing around this idea for 2 years (according to him). Why wouldn't he suggest she move instead of doing something that keeps her here? Is he still too attached? Is he just using her because he's not financially ready? What?

 

I very nicely suggested to him that he may need some time alone, without me, to get through this. He smiled at me and said I was his best friend and he was so lucky to have me here and he does not need time alone. It is over with her and has been over, he just has to deal with the finale.

 

Finally, I am terrified that my hope, that I had mostly killed, is going to come back, September will come, there will be no move and I'll be crushed yet again. I probably have less chance of that happening, though, with her making up her mind. So there's another point that pisses me off.

 

Is this a good thing? If it is, why do I feel so bad? I'm back to not knowing what or who to trust anymore, including trusting myself. Am I just not seeing that this is what real life looks like and I'm still waiting for my fairytale? Ugh. Just when I thought I was getting it together....

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I should add that the one thing I always appreciated, but yet probably left me the most unnerved, is that he never made her into an ogre. He would talk about how they had times where they didn't treat each other kindly and that she had resentment towards him for many reasons, but he always said she was a basically good person and he had the sort of love for her he had for a sister.

 

Again, isn't that honesty I should appreciate? And then doesn't it make sense that he'd mourn this? Really, what is wrong with me? This seems like a rather normal response to an ending like this. What is my anxiety trying to say to me?

 

Okay, I'm babbling at this point so I think I'm going to shut up and listen to some wise insight from you all.

 

TIA.

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You need to break free of him. He is depressed because he doesn't want to be divorced from her but she is forcing this upon him. She's smart and realizes what she needs to do in order to be truly happy.

 

You need to do what is going to ultimately make YOU happy with the rest of your life. That is NOT being with him, no matter what the circumstances are. You need to both leave him in the dust. Leave him to pick the pieces of himself up by himself. Just MHO.

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He's not depressed. He's sad. And I've seen him sadder than this about other things, but I suppose this is the saddest I've seen him when talking about her or the M.

 

I won't up and leave him to be spiteful. I do need to figure out, though, why I am feeling the way I am. Am I not ready? Am I just scared of being let down again? Who do I not trust...him or myself? Am I just worried about this inevitable transition (because I don't deal well with transitions myself)? Is this a normal feeling when the day finally arrives? Is it simply jealousy that he can have love for another woman (which, btw, I never fooled myself into thinking he didn't...I know there is a big difference between loving a person and being compatible with them)?

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Cliche

 

All I will say is don't allow yourself to become the transitional woman. They ALWAYS get dumped.

 

Don't become his sounding board and his crutch. People put crutches away when they no longer need them to help them limp along.

 

If you want a R with him, you will need to walk away and allow him to straighten out his own affairs without major input from you. And, in order to help him make a clean break you need to allow him the time and space to mourn the loss of his M (if that is happening) and W, so that you won't find yourself being eaten alive by envy and jealousy as usually happens when we allow ourselves to be too close to a transitioning man.

 

NC won't be spiteful. If this R is to stand a chance, you will have to walk away until he is divorced and has freely mourned his M and W.

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GreenEyedLady

I think you should end it for two reasons: you don't trust him and you doubt everything he says (I guess two is part of one)...

 

It would be different if you said a million other things...but you're not giving him the ability to grieve the loss of the R, no matter what state it was in...

 

If you can't trust your partner, how sound is the partnership? What is it's base? Doubt?

 

Another thing, how could he even live up to your expectations? To just walk out? You can't do that when you have a family unless you're an awful, selfish person...You have to take care of things first...

 

Divorce and separation is a process...it's the ending of one thing and the beginning of something else...

 

If you do not want to get your hopes up: WALK AWAY NOW...

 

I feel for you and if you were doing so well, then you should just go back to what you were doing...

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child_of_isis

It doesn't take 2 months to move stuff out. Trust me on this one.

 

I got 4 truckloads of the XSO's stuff out of here in 2 days ;-)

 

As far as him being sad: it will now be your full time job to keep him happy. Good luck with that. It's a helluva job.... but somebody's gotta do it.

 

It will probably take 110/150% effort on your part. But, hey...he's worth all that, right?

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Ugh. Is it really this black and white? Really?

 

I have been going through emotional turmoil for months. I was finally getting to a certain level of acceptance...acceptance that I could go on without him and let this affair end in a calm and natural way or acceptance that with a small amount of time (that would not drive me insane), he'd get the gonads to leave. It took me MONTHS to get there without feeling like I was dying.

 

Now, all of a sudden, I have this new scenario that I did not expect. Where his marriage is ending...yeah, what I wanted. But he is the one left, not the one leaving. In a way, maybe I should've seen this coming. He said to me more than once that it would be easier if she left. Sometimes I even suspected that he was almost...hmm, I don't want to say throwing the affair in her face because he never did that, but sort of making sure she knew or could easily find out so that she'd have impetus to make her move sooner. But I guess I never did give this option serious consideration. And now I'm left with a whole bunch of feelings that I don't know how to handle.

 

I don't know what is normal for me to feel or what is normal for him to feel. I guess I didn't expect him to be so hurt. Sure, I knew he'd grieve, but I guess in my scenario where he was the leaver, he'd have to had come to a certain level of acceptance of the end to do that, and maybe he wasn't quite there yet. I want to support him but I don't know if he is better served by space or closeness. Furthermore, I don't know if he knows. I, myself, have all these strange feelings. Do I have them because I'm jealous, immature, hurt, not quite getting my way? Am I finally faced with reality and having a hard time dealing with it? Or are these feelings normal under these circumstances? Even though I didn't want to be part of an affair, we had that specific relationship for a year. It is going to have to change now in some fashion, whether it lasts or doesn't, it won't remain or end as an affair. Is that sort of change something that makes anyone in it uncomfortable whether they are cognizant of it or not?

 

Has this not happened to anyone here?

 

Fark. I think I need my therapist. :(

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Cliche

 

I think that while he may have said that it would be easier if she left, he didn't really think about how it would make him feel. And THAT'S what you are going to have to put up with. Being a crutch for a man that didn't think out far enough.

 

Your feelings are normal for the circumstances, but they are the very feelings that put a damper on Rs that didn't start out of As.

 

Its best if you go back to what you were doing (what GEL said). Contact with him is going to always leave you in turmoil about things. Give him space to mourn as he didn't seem to think that he would mourn.

 

Babybird's MM was left by his W. Maybe she can give you some help with in this regard.

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So here I am feeling a bit better about a future without MM. I am starting to look at him for who he really is, seeing things that concern me, trying to detach a little, regain my personal power, etc., etc.

 

So we talk last night and he sounds miserable. And I ask him what is wrong. He tells me he is very emotional, doesn't feel well and he'll talk to me about it in person. So we go out to lunch today.

 

His W told him she wants to put the house on the market within the next month or so because she is moving 5 states away to be with her family in September.

 

BAM!

 

At first, I was elated. Then I started feeling like hell. One, I'm annoyed that he is now moving faster because she is forcing his hand than when I was trying to force his hand. (I knew something was up, btw, because when he did call me yesterday he was cleaning out his garage...something he'd been promising me for months and not doing). Maybe it shouldn't matter how it ends, only that it does. But for some reason, it has me annoyed. Would he have ever left on his own devices? He has, recently, been giving me a play by play (without me asking) of his progress. But now he is really in super fast gear and kinda uptight about it. He has been telling me he has wanted to move most of his stuff and himself out in the next 2 months, but he had hoped to have until the end of the year to get everything out. Wtf? Was it his intention to lead me on for the rest of year?

 

Two, he is sad. I know he has a right to be. Am I being unreasonable?

I said that he had to let her make her decision without any influence from him. That he was staying in the M for pratical reasons, but the only reason she could have been staying in a marriage where her and her h do nothing together and he's with another woman 5 days and nights a week was because she was afraid of being alone and she finally realized it is more lonely in the M and she needs to go to her family. He started crying. I felt bad and suggested that maybe if it this difficult, they should try their M one last time. He told me there is simply no foundation for them to build on because they have nothing in common. This was probably the most emotional and open he's been with me. Yet it hurts. Should I let it? What does it mean? Does it mean he's finally dealing with it? Does it mean he and I are a sham? What?

 

Third, apparently the topic came up because she was complaining about not liking her job. He suggested she do something else like take some classes, etc., and then she said they needed to talk, she wasn't going to be here to take classes because she was moving in September. I am highly annoyed that he even made a suggestion like that. She's been tiptoeing around this idea for 2 years (according to him). Why wouldn't he suggest she move instead of doing something that keeps her here? Is he still too attached? Is he just using her because he's not financially ready? What?

 

I very nicely suggested to him that he may need some time alone, without me, to get through this. He smiled at me and said I was his best friend and he was so lucky to have me here and he does not need time alone. It is over with her and has been over, he just has to deal with the finale.

 

Finally, I am terrified that my hope, that I had mostly killed, is going to come back, September will come, there will be no move and I'll be crushed yet again. I probably have less chance of that happening, though, with her making up her mind. So there's another point that pisses me off.

 

Is this a good thing? If it is, why do I feel so bad? I'm back to not knowing what or who to trust anymore, including trusting myself. Am I just not seeing that this is what real life looks like and I'm still waiting for my fairytale? Ugh. Just when I thought I was getting it together....

 

Maybe you need to spend time thinking if you really love him. I doubt that you do. Otherwise you would not sound this way. It's more like you just want to win. Now you're just not sure you want this loser.

 

If you really love him and you both share the same feeling that needed for your life together, it should not matter if he leaves or he is left!

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LucreziaBorgia

Men who are dumped like that go through an emotional rollercoaster. On one hand, he was ready to leave but only on his terms. He felt that he held the power in the relationship, and his wife took that away from him. Time to reassert his power, and that means that his male ego will go into overdrive and he will now fight for what is rightfully 'his', even if he doesn't necessarily want it. Its not his wife he wants back. Its his power. His ego. No one likes to be dumped, and when you are dumped everything in your life goes topsy turvy with all the blame shifting, guilt and struggle to regain control.

 

Protect your heart and expect some back-and-forth. Don't be surprised if he tries to do everything in his power to keep his wife from leaving him. Leaving your wife is one thing, having her ditch you is another. His feelings of sadness and guilt will include seeing himself now as being 'stuck' with you rather than having fought for and won you through his own volition. He will resent you and begin to blame shift - he will see you as the reason his marriage failed and will likely distance himself from you thinking that if he does so, he may stand a chance at winning his wife back. I expect if he sees that if the problem is gone (you), then his marriage can be brought back.

 

Now, that said - I'm not implying that you are some sort of consolation prize, or substandard to the wife - I'm only trying to give some insight into the craziness that goes through someone's noggin when they get dumped like that. It won't make any sense, and it will hurt. Some days will be like you want them to be, others won't. Particularly if she does end up leaving him.

 

I find it interesting that she is giving it two months instead of leaving right away. Could be that she knows what the deal is and is using that two months to her advantage knowing that he will cave and come back to her. Maybe not.

 

Either way, I'd play it very careful.

 

Check out this article and see if it makes any sense to you:

 

http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/

 

Could be relevant, maybe not - but its something to consider.

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Cliche

 

I think that while he may have said that it would be easier if she left, he didn't really think about how it would make him feel. And THAT'S what you are going to have to put up with. Being a crutch for a man that didn't think out far enough.

 

Your feelings are normal for the circumstances, but they are the very feelings that put a damper on Rs that didn't start out of As.

 

Its best if you go back to what you were doing (what GEL said). Contact with him is going to always leave you in turmoil about things. Give him space to mourn as he didn't seem to think that he would mourn.

 

Babybird's MM was left by his W. Maybe she can give you some help with in this regard.

 

NID,

Thank you for this post. First, thanks for bringing up Babybird. I searched and found her post about her MMs W leaving. And so many of the feelings she described, and her MM's response are ringing true for me. It feels good to know that this is "normal." I will be perfectly honest and say that I have received many personal benefits from this A (I know, not what a lot of people on here want to hear, but it is true, no matter what, it will never be something I'll 100% regret), but the consequence of it has been losing some trust in myself and whether what I feel is normal or if I'm losing it. It was nice to read BB's posts and feel "normal" again.

 

Second, I really appreciate your sensitivity. I am convinced there has to be something between "leave the loser now" and be a doormat, yanno? And I think you're right. I need to go back to keeping my sanity the way I was, still believing that I can go on without him if I need to, and just accept that the end of this is not now and never was in my hands beyond me knowing when I am ready for the end (or deal with it if it comes when I'm not completely ready).

 

We had what felt like a really honest discussion. It hurt me a little, but it also seems to be a catalyst for me to work through my needs by knowing some of what he is dealing with.

 

He is sad. He should be sad. I know that. It's a divorce for crissakes. 4 years later, the fact that there was nothing that could be done to save my marriage still makes me sad sometimes. Hell, I had a relationship from college that I still mourn on occasion.

 

I offered him space. He asked why. I said so he could grieve. He asked, so it's my position that it is better he grieve alone than? I said I really don't know what is better but I'm willing to go along with what he thinks. He said he simply doesn't know. It's open ended. What he needs, I'll give him. He made me the same offer saying if I need space, he'll give it to me. Also, we he started talking about how he really does know, need and want the marriage to be over, but that he wanted to do it at his pace and he feels some guilt over not being able to make her happy, it hurt a little. He told me he was telling me these things because I told him I wanted to know, but that he'd spare me from this stuff if I needed it. I thought that was nice.

 

I feel off kilter. Someone said on BB's thread that these feelings probably stem because every woman wants a man to fight for her. That rang really true for me. I wanted to be the reason why he moved on, not the concilation prize. I mean, I don't think that is what I really am, but, well, by this not being according to MY plan, I guess that seeps in a bit...that doubt. I also worry that now that she made the decision, he'll fight for her back. Though when I really listen to my intuition on that one, it feels a bit silly. It is just fear. I know I can't let him lean on me like I'm a crutch. That's not healthy for either of us. But I will try to support him no matter what his decision. One of my friends told me "time, space and patience." I'm not really good with the patience thing, but I guess I'll need to just get used to this new scenario and get back to the place I was almost at where I knew that I'd know when I had enough, no matter what his choice.

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PoshPrincess

He is sad. He should be sad. I know that. It's a divorce for crissakes. 4 years later, the fact that there was nothing that could be done to save my marriage still makes me sad sometimes. Hell, I had a relationship from college that I still mourn on occasion.

 

Cliche, I can understand your reasoning for worrying that he wants to be with you because SHE has ended things but what you've said above has hit the nail right on the head. I ended a LTR over 18 months ago and I still grieved, even though I 100% knew I was doing the right thing. He has shared a big part of his life with this woman; you already say he feels about her like he would a sister. Well, would he not be just as sad if his sister was moving 5 states away. My guess is that it would still be a wrench. I know it would if that were me. I am lucky enough to see my exP regularly as we have a child together but, even though I don't want a romantic R with him in any way, I DO miss him.

 

I offered him space. He asked why. I said so he could grieve. He asked, so it's my position that it is better he grieve alone than? I said I really don't know what is better but I'm willing to go along with what he thinks. He said he simply doesn't know. It's open ended. What he needs, I'll give him. He made me the same offer saying if I need space, he'll give it to me. Also, we he started talking about how he really does know, need and want the marriage to be over, but that he wanted to do it at his pace and he feels some guilt over not being able to make her happy, it hurt a little. He told me he was telling me these things because I told him I wanted to know, but that he'd spare me from this stuff if I needed it. I thought that was nice.

 

I just think this has been kind of sudden for him and he's very confused. I do agree that maybe you should give EACH OTHER a bit of space so you can both think about what you want. Like someone else said to you, I think you SHOULD be wary of being a transitional R. I know that when I was with MM I always wanted it to be him who ended things and not his W. Hell, now I would just be glad that he had left. :rolleyes: Period!!!

 

Sorry, gotta go, but best of luck. You will know deep down if he loves you. I hope that your instinct will tell you that!

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Je Ne Regrette Rien

Hi Cliche,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your confusion. I'm going through a break-up from a very similar situation to yours and it would be very easy for me to say "Leave the loser!" but he's not my MM, they all have similiarities but they are all different as are all situations. All I can offer you is my take on your situation and some nuggets of advice...

 

Its very disheartening when MM seems to have lacked any say in the decision to end a marriage. OW need justification, "MM left his M for me because we are so in love and because his M isn't working anymore". This helps OW feel like number one in his life and also helps with the guilt that OW caused the M to end - It was ending anyway. Finally, MM & OW are able to live and love out in the open. When a MM does not make the decision, it becomes a two-fold dilemma. 1) Am I second choice now? 2) Will he want to fight for his M now that he has lost control of ending it himself. Only time will answer that, as each MM is different.

 

Secondly, it hurts when he is sad. It hurts - we're human! He is thinking about happy times with another and grieving for what could have been. Of course it hurts us, because we have waited for the day that finally he will be in his lives and he just doesn't seem too happy about it. We all know we dont feel ecstatic, or even happy about his M ending. But we do feel excited for our future - and why not? Its a future we have chosen.

 

Thirdly, he is encouraging her to stay because he doesnt want her to go. Put yourself in his shoes. What if things dont work out with you? What if he suddenly wakes up one day and decides he still loves his W? Moving away is too final for him - he doesn't want to cut all ties. This is a worry because it means he simply may not be ready to move on.

 

Please note, I think W is doing a very good job of keeping M interested. "My life is moving on, I may take some courses", "I'm moving away, my life is moving on", "Lets sell the house, my life is moving on". Even if she doesn't want him, sounds like she doesn't want you to have him either. Being positive and friendly and showing him that he isn't the be all and end all in her life makes her look strong, in control - attractive. And she has a right to do this, Cliche. Just like you want to fight for him, she does too.

 

Brief insight into how I know this: MM seperated for 9 months, W driving force in house move although he did some of the legwork but not all. W forcing the issue of divorce, looking for other men to date. They did eventually sell the house. I was happy, he was finally moving on, I wouldnt be in the shadows anymore. I supported him through it all. She asked if he would be gracious to help her move and fix things around the house. He did and he stayed. Since then...well my post "I need serious...sorry this is long" is still there for reading on this forum.

 

What I'm trying to say to you is yes, he will be sad. Yes, he may even flip-flop back and forth. And yes, you're going to start doubting your future with him. But dont think house move - wife = mm and ow together. It doesn't. Be cautious - if I wish I had done anything differently, it would be that when I asked him if he needed space and he said no, I wish I had forced him into it, to grieve his M properly or to work on things if thats what he wanted. At least I would have saved myself from being the emotional crutch that got put back in the cupboard and then brought out again once he realised that his M wasnt fixable in a few easy steps.

 

Take care of you, Cliche, its your future and heart you have to protect, not his. Dont be scared of making him take space. It could be the kindest thing you've ever done for him.

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GreenEyedLady
I feel off kilter. Someone said on BB's thread that these feelings probably stem because every woman wants a man to fight for her. That rang really true for me. I wanted to be the reason why he moved on, not the concilation prize. I mean, I don't think that is what I really am, but, well, by this not being according to MY plan, I guess that seeps in a bit...that doubt. I also worry that now that she made the decision, he'll fight for her back. Though when I really listen to my intuition on that one, it feels a bit silly. It is just fear. I know I can't let him lean on me like I'm a crutch. That's not healthy for either of us. But I will try to support him no matter what his decision.

 

This part of your post is what stood out to me...Not every woman wants a man to fight for her...We are not possessions of anyone but ourselves...In a mature R there should be trust that our partner loves us, through actions and words...It is not a competition, but you are turning it into one...

 

Do you know that he loves you, really loves you? Because if he does and you love him, this really shouldn't be a question...YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE CONSOLATION PRIZE...

 

As for the crutch comment, wouldn't anyone on this forum be a crutch for their mate? Sometimes in R's one partner has to bear bigger part of the burden due to circumstances (illness, death in family, depression etc)...This is what a loving partner does...It will eventually shift back and equilibrium will be restored (in healthy R's anyway)...and your partner appreciates what you have done and can do the same for you if you ever need the support...

 

It just seems from your posting that you are not in it for the right reasons and why I think you should end contact...Love isn't about competition or winning or being someone's crutch...Love is about being there in the hard times and giving support, even when it's not easy...Love is about being a partnership and sometimes that is doing what is best for the other person because they need it and because you CAN...

 

And I don't know you or know how you truly feel...You can only do what is best for you...it is your doubt here that makes me think this can't last...For if your R is to last, you must restore trust between the two of you...

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This part of your post is what stood out to me...Not every woman wants a man to fight for her...We are not possessions of anyone but ourselves...In a mature R there should be trust that our partner loves us, through actions and words...It is not a competition, but you are turning it into one...

 

Do you know that he loves you, really loves you? Because if he does and you love him, this really shouldn't be a question...YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE CONSOLATION PRIZE...

 

As for the crutch comment, wouldn't anyone on this forum be a crutch for their mate? Sometimes in R's one partner has to bear bigger part of the burden due to circumstances (illness, death in family, depression etc)...This is what a loving partner does...It will eventually shift back and equilibrium will be restored (in healthy R's anyway)...and your partner appreciates what you have done and can do the same for you if you ever need the support...

 

It just seems from your posting that you are not in it for the right reasons and why I think you should end contact...Love isn't about competition or winning or being someone's crutch...Love is about being there in the hard times and giving support, even when it's not easy...Love is about being a partnership and sometimes that is doing what is best for the other person because they need it and because you CAN...

 

And I don't know you or know how you truly feel...You can only do what is best for you...it is your doubt here that makes me think this can't last...For if your R is to last, you must restore trust between the two of you...

 

Gel,

I love your posts. I find you to be so wise and compassionate. You have true empathy and I so appreciate that.

 

You have stumbled upon something in my baggage that I am completely aware of. Without getting into my history, which I don't want to do, I mistook, for many years of my marriage, undying dedication to a lost cause for a show of my true love. Where I am right now is trying to not go down that path again.

 

Without hesitation, I do believe that MM loves me. Without hesitation, I do love him. BUT I am terrified that I have not grown enough as a person to know the difference between a truly difficult situation that requires patience and love or a situation with a guy using me. I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I can follow either my heart or my head because they've both let me down before.

 

Therein lies the root of all of my pain.

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NID,

Thank you for this post. First, thanks for bringing up Babybird. I searched and found her post about her MMs W leaving. And so many of the feelings she described, and her MM's response are ringing true for me. It feels good to know that this is "normal." I will be perfectly honest and say that I have received many personal benefits from this A (I know, not what a lot of people on here want to hear, but it is true, no matter what, it will never be something I'll 100% regret), but the consequence of it has been losing some trust in myself and whether what I feel is normal or if I'm losing it. It was nice to read BB's posts and feel "normal" again.

 

Wow do I know what you're going through!!!

 

OF course he's sad. Even if the M is over they have spent how many years together? They are used to being around each other even if they aren't Communicating like they once did. My mm has said there are times that he misses her. Of course that stings like hell, but I have to understand when I was divorced I missed my ex...I have no idea why but I did. Maybe the companionship, maybe the sound of his snoring that used to annoy the hell out of me. Same goes for the MM. Plus we have to throw in the crushed ego because she dumped him.

 

Any which way we look at it, if he cheated or not, his entire life is changing. His M is over, he might have to move, if there are children involved that is a huge change. All of these things are a big adjustment. It's no different that if you get a D just because.

 

I offered space to my MM. I still think he could've used it but he didn't want it. He has told me that just by listening, being supportive, and being his friend above all else made the entire transition easier. He sobbed numerous times over his son. They say the OW is the crutch and the transitional women and WE ARE!! BUT we are also their friends, the ones that if they choose to they spill their guts to. They lean on you, depend on you, ask for your advice, and hope that you don't get pissed off because they are hurting and grieving over the loss of their M. It really is hypocritical that they are grieving because they have wanted out but we continue to love and support them anyways. In my case I know that it has been worth it. He was worth the wait, and the love that we had when it was dramatic, secret and wrapped around lies is nothing to the love that we have now. I can honestly say that after the first month, when the dust settled, and we were able to act like a rel couple we fell completely and totally in love again. We rediscovered what it was like to NOT be in an A and for me NOT to have to share him...which totally blew ass. What it was like to be in a real R.

 

I was scared when she left him. Scared after reading everything I have on LS, that it would all crumble. I wondered if we would have enough in common, if it all was real or just sex, etc...basically if we could be like we were in these four walls, outside of these four walls. Fortunately, we can. I wouldn't recommend to anyone to start a R as an A. They are definitely not the building blocks of a R. I will say that after spending over a year with him, hanging out with just him, talking, laughing, making love, whatever we were doing, that we have an intimacy, bonding if you will because there was no interference. We didn't need anything to entertain us we had each other. We learned how to talk to each other. Really communicate. Where there were lies to her(and sometimes me) there was also total honesty and no fear of expressing how we felt. Who was going to judge us BUT us?

 

So I wish you the best and the only recommendation I have is to listen. You will have to give 125% or more to him. I just looked at it as if my best friend came to me with the same thing what would I do for her?

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I was scared when she left him. Scared after reading everything I have on LS, that it would all crumble. I wondered if we would have enough in common, if it all was real or just sex, etc...basically if we could be like we were in these four walls, outside of these four walls.

I asked MM if our relationship was only so intense because it was an A, and would we be able to have a "real" relationship now? He laughed at me. Then he said that our relationship is and always has been real and has never been an affair, at least not from his perspective.

 

I have steeled myself for what is coming. I've told MM that this is the endgame. I am here for him with an offer of space, closeness, whatever he needs. I will be his friend. I will listen. I will offer advice if he asks. And I will not freak out on him when he mentions things that unintentionally cause me some pain (like his grieving the end and remembering their bad and good times).

 

I have decided I am in this now to its natural conclusion, whatever that is. It may be the finale of his M and the beginning of a lifetime of love for us, it may be the finale of his M and the beginning of a relationship that will die its natural course somewhere down the line for us, or it may be a catalyst for a reconciliation with his W and an end for us (though I truly, honestly doubt that...no way considering how their relationship has been and what she is now doing which is to push for her new life to begin...us women are strange creatures when we finally make up our mind, no?). But there it is. I love this man. I'm going to see what happens. I owe it to myself to see how this plays out for a variety of reasons.

 

And Babybird, if you don't mind, maybe we can PM. I have no illusions here and I know I'm in for a few unpleasant months. I'd like it if I didn't have to ride this roller coaster alone.

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I asked MM if our relationship was only so intense because it was an A, and would we be able to have a "real" relationship now? He laughed at me. Then he said that our relationship is and always has been real and has never been an affair, at least not from his perspective.

 

I have steeled myself for what is coming. I've told MM that this is the endgame. I am here for him with an offer of space, closeness, whatever he needs. I will be his friend. I will listen. I will offer advice if he asks. And I will not freak out on him when he mentions things that unintentionally cause me some pain (like his grieving the end and remembering their bad and good times).

 

I have decided I am in this now to its natural conclusion, whatever that is. It may be the finale of his M and the beginning of a lifetime of love for us, it may be the finale of his M and the beginning of a relationship that will die its natural course somewhere down the line for us, or it may be a catalyst for a reconciliation with his W and an end for us (though I truly, honestly doubt that...no way considering how their relationship has been and what she is now doing which is to push for her new life to begin...us women are strange creatures when we finally make up our mind, no?). But there it is. I love this man. I'm going to see what happens. I owe it to myself to see how this plays out for a variety of reasons.

 

And Babybird, if you don't mind, maybe we can PM. I have no illusions here and I know I'm in for a few unpleasant months. I'd like it if I didn't have to ride this roller coaster alone.

 

Of course we can PM!!!

 

Fortunately, I have a couple of great friends that, even though they disagreed they, supported me through it all. I have had great advice, crap advice, and figured out stuff on my own, but it was nice to come here and every once in a while get the advice from someone that had been through it before. It was reassuring and gave me a little more confidence. As much as I hate to admit it it was good that I read all of the bad stuff that could've come along with his split. I think I was a little more prepared even if, of course, that would never happen to me! :p

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