lrae Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 First, some honest background so I can hopefully get an honest response. My H had a 1-2 year EA with a younger woman (to the best of my sleuthing ability there wasn't anything physical between them). Simultaneously, she was already physically involved with another MM (a friend of my H - let's call him JOHN). I (and other people) have seen them together and she seems really in to him. They would all (her, John, my H and others from work) go out partying and drinking as a group. She would go out to her car or apartment with JOHN but, every time she hit the ditch with her car, threatened suicide or had problems with John it was my husband she would turn to (for friendship and/or advice). What gives with that; she was sleeping with one MM and best friends with another? I cannot fathom the messed up triangle these 3 had going on. I would welcome some insight here - good, bad or ugly. Maybe I never will understand (but I would like to) in order to help myself through the soap opera my life has become. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 Is she still involved with your husband? If so, that has to end NOW. And, if John wants to continue his affair with the OW, so be it - But your H shouldn't be going out with them, partying it up and drinking, putting himself in stupid situations, especially since he is married to you. This woman doesn't care or respect you, your marriage or marriage in general. She's like a cancer and the only way to get rid of her is to CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIVES. Your H must make a choice. Her and what she brings or you. Don't let him have his way, even if it means he loses a friendship with John, he has to decide what is more important in his life, partying with another woman or being at home with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lrae Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIVES. Yes, absolutely!! I am completely unwilling to live with her in our lives. It hasn't been easy getting this across, but I believe he is now really on board and trying to rebuild the trust in our marriage. He is painfully aware of the hurt he has caused us and the consequences of a further misstep. I could be wrong - I have been before. But the paranoia has to end some day. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 If he truely is wanting you and the marriage, then he has to be honest and upfront with you. And that means, you having access and passwords to ALL his email accounts, and be able to check up on him - If he has nothing to hide, then he will have no problem doing this. AND, you two could use some marriage counselling. Does he show you in action, or just in words, that he regrets getting involved with her? It's time now for him to tell the OW goodbye and never to call him again. Even if you are present, or together you two send an email to her - So SHE understands she is not welcomed in your lives. And, the MM friend, John, if he is a true friend to your H, he will NOT involve himself or talk about OW to your H anymore, and exclude him from their outings. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 As always, I agree with WWIU (the LS words of wisdom expert). Your H needs to be 100% loyal to you. He must as they say "throw the OW under the bus". If there is any hesitation on his part to cut her out of your lives completely, it will be very hard for you to trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 What gives with that; she was sleeping with one MM and best friends with another? I cannot fathom the messed up triangle these 3 had going on. I would welcome some insight here - good, bad or ugly. Maybe I never will understand (but I would like to) in order to help myself through the soap opera my life has become. Ahhh.... the Damsel in Distress variety, measuring her self-esteem by the number of male candidates awaiting her "noble favors". The 'knight in shining armor' standing on line who falls for that crap, is usually in about as bad a shape as she is though. He's a sucker for a sob story... usually because there's something going on in his life that's making him feel ineffectual. Suiting up and fighting whatever dragon is at hand can be rather ego-building for a guy who feels like he's just marking time in life. For a wife who's willing to use her head though... "Damsels" are pretty easy to take out. They're behavior is fairly predictable. And it absolutely FLOORS a guy when you can see through another woman's bag of tricks. That's like Miss Cleo sh*t to him. It just takes a little finagling to make him see it for himself without pushing it down his throat. You can't be overt and adversarial. This is a matter of 'leading the horse to water' after all. Most guys are DONE about fifteen minutes past the time they finally put two and two together and realize they're just fodder for her ego, as in... "Take a number, fella". Nobody likes being manipulated and strung along. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 Ahhh.... the Damsel in Distress variety, measuring her self-esteem by the number of male candidates awaiting her "noble favors". The 'knight in shining armor' standing on line who falls for that crap, is usually in about as bad a shape as she is though. He's a sucker for a sob story... usually because there's something going on in his life that's making him feel ineffectual. Suiting up and fighting whatever dragon is at hand can be rather ego-building for a guy who feels like he's just marking time in life. For a wife who's willing to use her head though... "Damsels" are pretty easy to take out. They're behavior is fairly predictable. And it absolutely FLOORS a guy when you can see through another woman's bag of tricks. That's like Miss Cleo sh*t to him. It just takes a little finagling to make him see it for himself without pushing it down his throat. You can't be overt and adversarial. This is a matter of 'leading the horse to water' after all. Most guys are DONE about fifteen minutes past the time they finally put two and two together and realize they're just fodder for her ego, as in... "Take a number, fella". Nobody likes being manipulated and strung along. Great post LJ. I think this is a factor in many affairs. I know it was one for my H. He liked that fact that the OW was very needy, it also made him feel superior. That was something that came out in therapy. I didn't realize how much he needed to be needed. I don't ask for help much from anyone and this made him feel like I didn't need him. It taught me something about myself, and I'm working on reaching out to others for help. No one can do everything alone, we all need help at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 I don't ask for help much from anyone and this made him feel like I didn't need him. It taught me something about myself, and I'm working on reaching out to others for help. No one can do everything alone, we all need help at some point. Yeah... I get ya. These days, I come up with an emergency once a week if I have one or not!!! I'm just kidding. Actually, I think alot of that stems from a man not feeling like an integral part of the family. Sometimes, from his POV he's a bit out of step, like a guy on the outside, looking in. Now that might not be true, but REALITY is in the eye of the beholder here. His perception is his truth, so if he feels like the family carries right on along without him... that's how he feels. Anyway, the real deal on "these days" is that I make sure he gets to 'weigh in' on everything that's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 Lest we forget, John has a wife, who may or may not know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lrae Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 If he truely is wanting you and the marriage, then he has to be honest and upfront with you. And that means, you having access and passwords to ALL his email accounts, and be able to check up on him - If he has nothing to hide, then he will have no problem doing this. AND, you two could use some marriage counselling. WWIU - thanks for caring! Yes, I have access to his e-mails and cell phone records. Initially, I needed to check them daily. But I try really hard not to anymore. I need to trust that the contact was severed a long time ago. H decided to leave his job. I also pressed the issue that he no longer do any business with the OW's company. H no longer goes out partying, particularly with that crowd. In fact, as a result of this situation, the friendship with JOHN also ended. When H needs to unwind, he either does it with me or keeps me in the know (and yes, I checked this everytime too for awhile). You people who haven't been there, don't judge!! When the trust in a marriage is obliterated - you are no longer entitled to any - you must work to rebuild it from the ground up. We did MC too. In fact, we ran out of sessions and had to stop for $$ reasons. I loved it and got a lot out of it. H did it for me initially but started to really work on us too after the first while. I would do it again if needed but, I wasn't the one scrambling and making all the wrong decisions back then. I need to trust that he will hit the panic button and give us a chance to work through things if he is having issues again. He has changed a lot, for himself and for us. I think he really likes the person he is now vs. the road he was headed down. Does he show you in action, or just in words, that he regrets getting involved with her? It's time now for him to tell the OW goodbye and never to call him again. Even if you are present, or together you two send an email to her - So SHE understands she is not welcomed in your lives. And, the MM friend, John, if he is a true friend to your H, he will NOT involve himself or talk about OW to your H anymore, and exclude him from their outings. I felt that I had nothing to hide and after talking with JOHN's wife, I confronted the OW and publicised her relationships with both my H and JOHN. The OW immediately called my H. He maintained that he wanted nothing further to do with her and was not going to lose his wife over this. JOHN's wife required delicacy!! I knew her as a casual friend and didn't want her hurt anymore than she already would be. But I refused to carry on covering up that relationship like everyone else. As it was I didn't have anything to say that she hadn't already suspected. Part of my soap opera! But I do really want some genuine insight from OW. Was this situation unique? Anything? I am looking for the other side's motivations/perspective on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lrae Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 Ahhh.... the Damsel in Distress variety, measuring her self-esteem by the number of male candidates awaiting her "noble favors". My GOD you've nailed it!! I knew she was a drama queen, I just couldn't figure out why dealing with someone else's crap all the time seemed attractive to my H. The 'knight in shining armor' standing on line who falls for that crap, is usually in about as bad a shape as she is though. He's a sucker for a sob story... usually because there's something going on in his life that's making him feel ineffectual. Suiting up and fighting whatever dragon is at hand can be rather ego-building for a guy who feels like he's just marking time in life. He admitted as much in counselling. She needed help and he felt good cause she went to him and he had all the answers. That feeling is pretty damn seductive. For a wife who's willing to use her head though... "Damsels" are pretty easy to take out. They're behavior is fairly predictable. And it absolutely FLOORS a guy when you can see through another woman's bag of tricks. That's like Miss Cleo sh*t to him. It just takes a little finagling to make him see it for himself without pushing it down his throat. You can't be overt and adversarial. This is a matter of 'leading the horse to water' after all. Most guys are DONE about fifteen minutes past the time they finally put two and two together and realize they're just fodder for her ego, as in... "Take a number, fella". Nobody likes being manipulated and strung along. Care to give us more than capable house wives evening classes? NO JOKE! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 My exH loved rescuing people... it made him feel important as well because I am generally a gal that is independant, smart and self sufficient - as well as a damn good handyman... I have a hard time with the fact that your husband wasn't bothered by the fact that he was helping to cover up the A with John... Does that mean that he really thought it was ok? or approved of the situation? A REAL friend would stand there and say WTF are you doing? Knock this stuff off or you're going to lose everything that is important to you. OR point out that what he is doing is completely unacceptable and desrespectful. I have a hard time understanding WHY your H would have gone along with it all... that would normally indicate that he thought it was all ok with him... Did you get to the bottom of these issues in MC? Just wondering Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 Care to give us more than capable house wives evening classes? NO JOKE! Ohhh... I don't know about all that. Tweren't nothin'. :laugh: Afterall, were just talking about your basic internet cam-whore*. Her motives were obvious. She was there for attention. It's all about being the belle of the chat-room, and if she can wring a little cash or whatnot from her string of admirers... so much the better. But really... you wouldn't have BELIEVED the look on his face about the third time I'd predicted the OW's behavior!... "She'll contact you with a some bogus 'emergency' within one week." "She'll wish you well in your marriage and tell you she just wants to 'be friends'". "She'll mention some other guys in the hope you'll show some jealousy". "She'll act like she's mad at you for 'ignoring' her". He was stupefied. I'd presented it so matter-of-factly, off the cuff and of no particular interest... like I was talking about the price of eggs. And each time my predictions came true the look on his face was PRICELESS. He looked at me like I was David Copperfield or somebody. *How To Become an Obnoxious Cam-Whore in 5 easy lessons Link to post Share on other sites
Author lrae Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 I have a hard time with the fact that your husband wasn't bothered by the fact that he was helping to cover up the A with John... Does that mean that he really thought it was ok? or approved of the situation? He said JOHN and OW cared about each other and wanted a relationship. That JOHN was unhappy in his marriage but there was kids involved. Plus, JOHN felt that he was unable to trust the OW and therefore unwilling to leave W for her. I said, "you think?? I wouldn't trust her either - isn't she cheating on her & John's relationship with you"? A REAL friend would stand there and say WTF are you doing? Knock this stuff off or you're going to lose everything that is important to you. OR point out that what he is doing is completely unacceptable and desrespectful. Absolutely!! I pointed this out to my H. I felt that the least JOHN could do was let his W know how unhappy he was so that they both had the chance to make choices and perhaps move on (not just him). And pointed out that my H had condoned thier behaviour by acting like it was no big deal for them to be out together and to advise her on the relationship. At that time (in my H's mind) the affair was wrong, but it wasn't his, so why judge. It took awhile for my H to realize that just cause he hadn't slept with her didn't mean he hadn't crossed the line. I think he was able to justify his very inapproriate friendship with the OW because the physical stuff was being done with JOHN. I have a hard time understanding WHY your H would have gone along with it all... that would normally indicate that he thought it was all ok with him... Did you get to the bottom of these issues in MC? Just wondering I think our friends have a big influence on our moral compass. Ultimately, I asked my H to consider finding some new friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lrae Posted April 17, 2007 Author Share Posted April 17, 2007 *How To Become an Obnoxious Cam-Whore in 5 easy lessons I am sending that to my H right now!! Really they should warn boys at school about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted April 17, 2007 Share Posted April 17, 2007 Whats to understand?...this woman is a triflin' skank Link to post Share on other sites
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