Ended the affair. Could use words of support.

[joshfircand]

Greetings to all.

 

After nearly two years, seeing one another off and on as friends and lovers, I realized how my MM wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, wasn't going to leave his wife. Despite a strong shared affection and the incredible physical connection between us, if he wasn't going to leave her, then there was absolutely no way to justify continued contact, which would only hurt me (longing for what would remain continually out of reach--a real relationship), further hurt his relationship with his W, hurt everybody.

 

Last nail in the coffin, the final correspondance has been sent, we're done. NC, by my choice, started yesterday. Its killing me to give up on this, on what was a supportive and sustaining friendship for me, as I did honestly think there was a chance of his coming away with me. Obviously, I was wrong, but that doesn't change the amount of emotional investment, of hope, I put into it, or the fact that I am going to miss him terribly.

 

If anyone is willing to offer words of support, I'd appreciate them, because this finally IS the right thing to do, and I shouldn't have interfered between the two of them to begin with. It's just very hard to give him up.

[herenow]

You did the right thing for everyone. You deserve the kind of happiness that a MM will never be able to give you.

[whichwayisup]

Stay strong, keep busy.

 

You finally put yourself first and realized that what you were getting from the affair wasn't enough. I'm sure this is quite a blow to his ego as the MM has been used to having TWO women in his life to fulfill all his needs. Don't let him back into your life. He may try to reel you back in, so don't let him!!

[joshfircand]

I'm sure this is quite a blow to his ego as the MM has been used to having TWO women in his life to fulfill all his needs.

 

*embarassed cough* Uhm, you're not quite right. Gay male. Bisexual MM. Same principle applies, though. ...Thank you for your kindness.

[whichwayisup]

Oops, sorry. Yes, same logic applies...

 

You deserve someone who will love only you. I know you're in pain and your heart hurts, but you did the right thing. By staying you'd selling yourself short, depriving yourself of ALL aspects of a real open relationship.

[Jinxx]

You did the right thing. Good for you! It is very difficult at first but you will get through this. You'll have good days and bad days. Right now I seem to have more bad days then good (my A ended in January) but I think I'm also going through an anger stage. Hopefully that will pass soon because some days are unbearable. But keep reminding yourself you are better then that and can do much better. To continue would have only caused you more pain in the long run.

 

Hugs to you.

[joshfircand]

Thanks Herenow, Whichwayisup, and Jinxx... I really appreciate your taking the time to add your comments.

 

I know it's for the best, but knowing doesn't stop it from hurting. I'm on all of Day 1 of NC, and the thought of talking to him has only crossed my mind 5 or so times over the course of my day. It was such a habit. *sigh*

 

This is why I came on this board, however, in that it Does help to hear from people who Know both how difficult it is and why it should be done.

[whichwayisup]

Just ride it out, cry when you need to and as the week goes on, try to take afew hours to get out and forget all about it. Even if it's an hour, to see a movie and have a laugh.

 

You can break the habit. In time, it will get easier.

[Ripples]

What an articulate, intelligent post, Josh.

 

You deserve a guy who is yours and yours only, and wonderfully, you've realised this, which is half the battle.

 

Now everytime you feel like picking up the phone to call him, or answering any of his attempts at contact, remember what you deserve, what you are truly worth.

 

Have you got people around you who can pick up some of the slack with regards to losing the support you received from him?

[PoshPrincess]

Well done Josh! You ARE doing the right thing and although you know it, deep down sometimes you may have days where you feel the opposite. Just stick with NC and in time it WILL get easier. As you've already been told, you deserve someone who can be exclusively yours.

 

It's an old cliche of course, but try and keep busy, surround yourself with friends or do other things you enjoy and that you know will make you happy. I'm not saying that any of this will take your mind off MM completely but you WILL get there in the end.

 

Best of luck. We are all thinking of you.

[joshfircand]

Ripples,

 

Thank you for the compliment! I really wasn't expecting anything like it...

 

And, sadly, one of the reasons MM and I ended up in as much contact as we did, to begin with, was because the majority of my support network is some distance away, and I was looking for someone to talk with.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

PoshPrincess,

 

Thank you for taking a moment to add your comment! It does sincerely help to hear from all of you.

 

I am trying my best to just focus on my own life, and those things I can do to make it better. ...Or at least on things which are pleasantly distracting. Yesterday evening was spent shopping at the local mall, for instance, which I hadn't previously explored.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

........

 

I keep thinking about emailing him.

 

Never fear, oh kindly supportive people, I'm not GOING to, but the thought of 'I never did tell him about RandomThing-A or say EmotionalThing-B' keeps popping into my mind, and is vaguely to moderately maddening. Especially when I Was quite clear about getting everything I was feeling across, before closing that door. I guess expressing one's feelings doesn't stop one from wanting to say them over again. *sigh*

 

Honestly though, given the sort of person MM is, I don't expect him to respond any further to my final communications than he already has or to try further to change my mind. So once I -do- get past having that urge to share things with him, NC will pretty much tend to itself.

[Ripples]

Ripples,

 

Thank you for the compliment! I really wasn't expecting anything like it...

 

And, sadly, one of the reasons MM and I ended up in as much contact as we did, to begin with, was because the majority of my support network is some distance away, and I was looking for someone to talk with.

Ahhh, well, you know it's time to dedicate some effort in finding support. Maybe you could take a holiday and see those people who live further away from you? Getting out of one's usual environment can be really helpful in itself.

 

I keep thinking about emailing him.

 

Never fear, oh kindly supportive people, I'm not GOING to, but the thought of 'I never did tell him about RandomThing-A or say EmotionalThing-B' keeps popping into my mind, and is vaguely to moderately maddening. Especially when I Was quite clear about getting everything I was feeling across, before closing that door. I guess expressing one's feelings doesn't stop one from wanting to say them over again. *sigh*

Laughing my arse off! That's exactly what I'm going through at the moment! I was even starting to make things up in my own mind that I just had to tell my ex. If it's any comfort, it passes and those really important things that you just have to say now, become quite trivial, quite quickly. If you get frustrated, you can always write a letter, tuck it away somewhere, read it occasionally, make adjustments, then throw it out. Write it with a pen and paper, doing it electronically isn't quite the same. If you don't throw it out, it'll probably give you a laugh in years to come, or at least remind you of how far you've come.

 

Honestly though, given the sort of person MM is, I don't expect him to respond any further to my final communications than he already has or to try further to change my mind. So once I -do- get past having that urge to share things with him, NC will pretty much tend to itself.

That can be a double edged sword can't it? On the one hand it's great to have one's ex chase one, it puts one more in control of the situation if nothing else. But on the other hand, as you say, NC is far easier, the process is far quicker if contact is zero.

 

Either way Josh, keep posting, I want to hear all about how it goes <nosey>

[joshfircand]

That can be a double edged sword can't it? On the one hand it's great to have one's ex chase one, it puts one more in control of the situation if nothing else. But on the other hand, as you say, NC is far easier, the process is far quicker if contact is zero.

 

Either way Josh, keep posting, I want to hear all about how it goes <nosey>

 

I shall definitely keep posting, though I'm not certain as to the frequency.

 

As for the rest, though I'm committed to NC now that I know there isn't any hope of his leaving his W, I -did- want him to have the decency to at least make some sort of parting guesture. And he hasn't. I can understand why not....the whole 'putting all this behind him' mentality, but it doesn't stop me from being disappointed, and somewhat angry.

 

*sigh* And I miss him.

 

How long've you been in NC, Ripples?

[Island Girl]

Greetings to all.

 

After nearly two years, seeing one another off and on as friends and lovers, I realized how my MM wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, wasn't going to leave his wife. Despite a strong shared affection and the incredible physical connection between us, if he wasn't going to leave her, then there was absolutely no way to justify continued contact, which would only hurt me (longing for what would remain continually out of reach--a real relationship), further hurt his relationship with his W, hurt everybody.

 

Two years is a lot of time and I'm sure you invested a lot emotionally. It is tough to let go of that history.

 

You have been through the ringer obviously. There has been a lot of sacrificing on your part to have this relationship. You have lowered your expectations and accepted less than you deserve.

 

That can all change now that you have broken free.

 

Last nail in the coffin, the final correspondance has been sent, we're done. NC, by my choice, started yesterday. Its killing me to give up on this, on what was a supportive and sustaining friendship for me, as I did honestly think there was a chance of his coming away with me. Obviously, I was wrong, but that doesn't change the amount of emotional investment, of hope, I put into it, or the fact that I am going to miss him terribly.

 

I know this must be incredibly hard because you made him an intrinsic part of your life for two years.

 

But I am sorry to say this - you were an additional part of his. One of those that he could let go of.

 

You deserve a lot more. Now you can finally find a partner that not only can be supportive of you but make you the center of his world without hiding or putting others before you.

 

If anyone is willing to offer words of support, I'd appreciate them, because this finally IS the right thing to do, and I shouldn't have interfered between the two of them to begin with. It's just very hard to give him up.

 

It seems he was so much of what you want but he could never be all of it.

 

Now that you can begin to move on, and NC is indeed best, you will get past this. Take the lessons you have so obviously learned about compromise and apply those in a truly fulfilling relationship that is 100% yours.

[pureinheart]

You have a sound mind and ending it is a good way to ensure that you continue in this sanity. Also the chances of him leaving in 2 yrs is close to nill and none, these are delay tactics....

 

Be encouraged as you did the right thing!

[Ripples]

How long've you been in NC, Ripples?

 

Josh, I've been split from my bf for only a few weeks and I'm afraid I'm not in NC. It's a long and boring story, but briefly was seeing a guy for four and a half years, I found out he cheated on me for the first three years of our relationship, I split a few weeks ago as I just couldn't accept it and move on, despite his assurances etc.

 

However, I'm being particularly devious and not ignoring his calls, his texts, the flowers or the Easter egg he sent me I'm leading him on, in effect.

[joshfircand]

Josh, I've been split from my bf for only a few weeks and I'm afraid I'm not in NC. It's a long and boring story, but briefly was seeing a guy for four and a half years, I found out he cheated on me for the first three years of our relationship, I split a few weeks ago as I just couldn't accept it and move on, despite his assurances etc.

 

However, I'm being particularly devious and not ignoring his calls, his texts, the flowers or the Easter egg he sent me I'm leading him on, in effect.

 

Ahhh, my mistake. I appologize for the confusion. ^.^

 

How and when did you end up finding out that he'd cheated on you? =(

 

Also, 'Harsh!', Ripples, letting him think there might be hope if there is none. But then, I think that's just my own longings to be together with someone who isn't going to choose me speaking, and were I able to put those aside I'd be all in favor of taking a little vengence.

 

...Were they nice flowers?

 

And, just as a by the way, but I love that Oscar Wilde quote.

[Ripples]

Nononono, don't apologise, it was my posts that caused any confusion.

 

I found out about six months after he finished with his last OW, which was about a year before we finally split. It was pretty tough going and we did try very hard to put things right between us. I dare say that if we'd been married it may have worked out for the best, but we didn't have that tie and he was less than willing to believe he needed help to fix himself, so....

 

Anyway, yes, very harsh, it's payback time.

[guest]

I just ended an affair I was having 2 months ago. It was a year of alot of talking and almost a year of the physical. He was not married and I am. We were very passionate with each other. I would consider us to be very close friends. I told him things that I never told anyone. He had alot of guilt. I didn't, my marriage is so not for saving. You are definitely doing the right thing, but it sure does hurt like hell. Prepare yourself for going on a rollercoaster ride of hurting then not hurting, crying and not crying. I feel at times that this man hates me, but it is not true. but we both had to end it. At the end of our affair he did the only calling once or twice a month and doing the feeling guilty. I finally ended it with a text message. I have tried to contact him once or email him but he does not contact me back. He is the stronger one here, I am hurt, but in time I know that it was the right choice. My advice to you is to hang in there, and keep reminding yourself that you are worth so much more, there is someone out there that wants all of you and not part of you. Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are a great person and you are beautiful. No matter how much you want contact with this person, hold off and give it time. Things always work out the way they are supposed to. Remember to believe in yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greetings to all.

 

After nearly two years, seeing one another off and on as friends and lovers, I realized how my MM wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, wasn't going to leave his wife. Despite a strong shared affection and the incredible physical connection between us, if he wasn't going to leave her, then there was absolutely no way to justify continued contact, which would only hurt me (longing for what would remain continually out of reach--a real relationship), further hurt his relationship with his W, hurt everybody.

 

Last nail in the coffin, the final correspondance has been sent, we're done. NC, by my choice, started yesterday. Its killing me to give up on this, on what was a supportive and sustaining friendship for me, as I did honestly think there was a chance of his coming away with me. Obviously, I was wrong, but that doesn't change the amount of emotional investment, of hope, I put into it, or the fact that I am going to miss him terribly.

 

If anyone is willing to offer words of support, I'd appreciate them, because this finally IS the right thing to do, and I shouldn't have interfered between the two of them to begin with. It's just very hard to give him up.

[joshfircand]

Well, it took him a bit over a week, but MM DID end up writing to me.

 

Not at length, and not anything remotely romantic or romantic-hopeful. He had been about to have surgery, when we broke things off, so his email was just an acknowledgement of my final sending to him, and an update on how the surgery went. He says he'll keep me updated, even if he doesn't hear back from me.

 

I'm not quite sure how to react (Emotionally, I mean. NC continues).

 

We -were- friends to begin with, and when we broke things off, he expressed hopes we could return to being friends, which I deemed far too painful a prospect (and likely impossible in any event, seeing as how if you put us in the same room as each other there's enough electricity between us to power a city block. With realistic views on both our willpower, given what has passed between us, 'friends' would likely last until everyone else was out of the room, and no longer).

 

On one level, I'm pleased he did at least write, acknowleding my final sending, and I'm pleased to have more knowledge than I did previously about how he's doing, seeing as I do care.

 

On another level, all he did -was- acknowledge my sending, providing absolutely no reaction to the feelings or ideas I expressed in it, and thus no validation at all. It makes me want to take him by the shoulders and shake him.

 

Plus, if he -does- continue writing at me in a 'Friendly and mostly ignoring everything' fashion.....

 

Yup, I don't know how to react to this at all.

 

------------------

Edit: Actually, perhaps I should clarify. I don't -want- to be furious with him, or write him off as scum. I want to be able to look back on what was largely an amazing thing for me in as positive a light as possible. And the fact that he's being friendLY but otherwise useless isn't helping, nor is the fact that I'm 100% certain he'd continue cheating on his wife with me if I were willing to continue sleeping with him while I'm equally certain he won't leave her for me.

 

So I'm -not- furious with him, and don't want to be, but have a growing sense that I should be, despite that just making everything worse.

 

....agh, I'm not making sense.

[Ripples]

Josh, its really important for you to have some considerable length of time with no contact with him to heal and get some perspective on this situation, no matter how good his intentions are.

 

Is he building you up to accept being the OM, again? Even if not the physical OM, being the emotional OM is just as damaging for you. Besides, this friendly chat with no pressure is all very well, but it's frustrating and you really don't need that in your life at the moment. Even if you can become just good friends in the future (but I agree, that's pretty impossible when one has such huge chemistry), at the moment you need complete space from him.

 

Did you reply? Are you going to?

[joshfircand]

Honestly, I've no idea what's going on in his head at this point.

 

I believe he's sincere in his desire to keep me around. Whether that's as a friend or as the physical or emotional OM is up for debate. Again, I don't feel I can seperate the two sides (friend / lover) regardless of his intentions, making it moot.

 

No, I didn't reply. I still miss him, terribly, and Want to write, but am not going to.

[puddleofmud]

Hi Josh: so sorry that I've no time to respond right now but want to give you a warm welcome to the forum and will get back to you soon.

I am very sorry for your loss and hope you post with us as we do care!

Warm hugs to you.

[Ripples]

POM is v. good Josh, she'll have some great encouragement for you

 

Meanwhile, are you keeping busy? Are you finding other people to support you, if not in this, then in the rest of your life?

[joshfircand]

Hi Josh: so sorry that I've no time to respond right now but want to give you a warm welcome to the forum and will get back to you soon.

I am very sorry for your loss and hope you post with us as we do care!

Warm hugs to you.

 

Thank you very much for the warm welcome POM. And for the hugs. =) I'll look forward to such time as you've more freedom to post.

 

 

Ripples, if nothing else, then work and yoga are keeping me busy, of late. Haven't had much opportunity to do much else with my evenings. I do however have two out-of-state friends driving in to visit with me for this coming weekend.