Long, long story but would appreciate people's thoughts.

[Stupidcupid]

Hi - I've been lurking here a few days, plucking up the courage to post. I have no-one else to talk to about my situation and it's driving me mad, so I'd really appreciate people's thoughts. I'll try to keep it short but it's a long story.

 

I met MM when I was 16, he was 42. We spoke on the phone every day for hours on end, and I fell in love with him. He said he loved me too and even though I was a virgin, after 4 months I slept with him. He was always very rough with me (and made me bleed), but because I loved him I put up with it. His wife knew he was seeing me, but she stood by him. He said he'd leave me if I didn't drop my friends, and he didn't want me working - so I ended up completely isolated and dependent on him.

 

Eight years went by, then one night MM abused me. The next day I told him I wasn't in love with him any more. I still cared for him despite what he'd done, and I didn't want a relationship with him, other than us being friends. I said I'd still meet him for a drink every week and he asked me to pretend that we were still together when we went. I assume it was to stop me getting involved with anyone else, but I didn't want another relationship then so I agreed. Things have been like that for the last 4 years.

 

In February I turned 28, and I finally realised how much of my life I've wasted. I've had depression my whole adult life, I have no friends, I've never had a job, and I'm very lonely. I've remained dependent on MM and I've been single (and completely celibate) for the last 4 years. I know it's down to me to make a change, so I began learning to drive and started a college course. I'm hoping when I finish college I'll get a decent job, and hopefully I'll make some friends along the way. I finally stopped going out with MM 3 months ago, but we still talk on the phone every day.

 

I'm finally ready for a new relationship, but nothing too serious. The problem is I have only ever been attracted to one person in my life, and that's MM's friend, Steve. Strangely I was never attracted to MM, I just loved him! I almost told Steve how I felt about him 2 years ago, when he seperated from his wife, but decided to wait. I have no idea if Steve likes me. He's always been good to me, but I can't tell if that's just because he's close to MM.

 

I know the sensible thing would be to forget Steve and hope to meet someone completely unconnected with MM, but I can't imagine feeling for anyone else what I feel for Steve. I know if he rejects me I'll take it hard but if I don't tell him, I'll regret it for the rest of my life - and I already have enough regrets that plague me on a daily basis. At least if he does reject me I'll be able to move on, rather than spending my life wondering what might have been. I have no idea where/when I'd talk to him either - he works and socialises with MM, and I have no idea what his phone number is. Am I crazy for even comtemplating this?

 

I'm really sorry for such a long first post, but with no-one to discuss this with I've just been going round in circles. I would appreciate, more than you can ever imagine, anyone who's willing to take the time to read this and give me their thoughts.

 

Thanks, J x

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You are from England?

[Stupidcupid]

Yes I am - there's no other forum like this that I've found anywhere, so I hope you don't mind the intrusion!

[GreenEyedLady]

You're not crazy for wanting to date someone you're attracted too...

 

But I think you need to stop talking to MM daily and really, don't be close to anyone in his life...or you'll probably have more trouble getting over it...and it's a way to keep him in your life...

 

Does Steve know about your R with the MM? How do you think he feels about you? I can't see this working unless Steve stops socializing with him? Oh yeah, and is Steve single now?

[Stupidcupid]

Thanks!

 

Yes I've been trying to break off all contact with MM - I know that seeing him and speaking to him does me no favours at all. I honestly don't love MM any more, but being so reliant on him for everything the last 11 years, it's hard to finally do things for myself.

 

Yes Steve knows about me and MM - he used to get sent to take me places if MM couldn't get away from work, and MM used to get Steve to go shopping for me because he didn't want me going into town on my own. I have no idea how he feels about me, he's always been really kind to me but that may be just because he felt sorry for me, for all I know. Steve is definitely single - the last time I saw him he was talking to me about his marriage break-up, whiich was only a month or so ago.

 

I appreciate what you said about this not working if Steve continues to socialize with MM. I also worry that Steve wouldn't be able to work with MM anymore, and it's too much to expect Steve to give up his job just to date me - especially as he might not even like me!

[Seen_It_All]

I met MM when I was 16, he was 42. We spoke on the phone every day for hours on end, and I fell in love with him.

So the guy's basically a pedophile.

 

He said he loved me too and even though I was a virgin, after 4 months I slept with him. He was always very rough with me (and made me bleed), but because I loved him I put up with it.

Just out of curiosity, why didn't your mother have this piece of filth thrown in jail?

 

...but with no-one to discuss this with I've just been going round in circles. I would appreciate, more than you can ever imagine, anyone who's willing to take the time to read this and give me their thoughts.

My heart truly breaks for you. You were simply no more than a child when this predator took advantage of you in EVERY SINGLE WAY that it's possible to take advantage of another human being. You're not to blame for this mess. But you are, however, left with the baggage caused by years of this filthy pig's abuse. I simply can't believe this horrific situation was allowed to go on as long as it did without someone giving that slimebag the beat-down he so RICHLY deserves.

 

Stop looking to your "friend" Steve for ANY type of emotional support or connection. He HELPED his disgusting friend ABUSE YOU for years by doing whatever that pig asked him to. HE'S NOT A FRIEND, StupidCupid. He's PART OF THE PROBLEM.

 

Time to cleanse both of these abusive losers from your life and seek out people with MORALS, SUBSTANCE, CHARACTER, and INTEGRITY. What your xMM did was criminal, and his friend HELPING him was also criminal. Big da*mn DEAL if Steve was 'nice' while he was HELPING that piece of slime have his way with you. BIG DEAL. They're both mentally deficient and people you DON'T NEED to be around. Period.

 

The BEST thing you could do for yourself is to enter intensive therapy so you can be given the tools to know the difference between toxic people and people who TRULY have your best interests at heart.

 

You've made a great start, and should be proud of yourself. Make therapy your next move.