Affair JUST ended- support me?

[Guest]

Dear All,

This is the first time in my life that I have used a site like this. It's late at night here and I can't sleep. I went online looking for answers and found you.

I would really appreciate your frank advice and suport right now please.

 

My story : Met a guy at a work event and it felt like love at first sight, for me at least. We worked in the same industry so swapped business cards. He was friendly, but not flirty. I thought maybe it would never go any further though I secretly hoped it would.

Texts and emails followed. Again they were never flirty. I sensed something was wrong because I was sure he liked me.

But when I Googled him I found he had a girlfriend of 2 years.

 

The Google information was not dated so it was hard to tell if this was something from his past or more recent. Same day, asked to meet me for a coffee, so I went out of curiosity. It was very clinical, very odd.

After we parted ways, I sent him a text saying I believed he had a girlfriend.

It took him an hour to reply. When he did he said, "Yes, I do. But I am very attracted to you and would like to see you again."

I told him we could only ever be friends, and for a while we were. We became very good friends indeed. But I was secretly falling for him.

 

But one day he sent me a more suggestive email in an IM and we both told each other how much we cared about each other. Our chats became sexually charged, but the sweetness remained too. In person, we behaved impecably and I would encourage him to talk about his gf. I even suggested he talk to her about his feelings for me so they could work through them as a couple.

But he never would. All I got was tiny details, never anything more. He acted like she did not exist when we were together. And talked about how sex with me would feel all the time when we were apart.

 

Long story short ... last month we kissed. It felt wrong. He tried to initiate sex. It felt wrong. I wanted him so much but pushed him away and asked if he would ever leave his gf. He said no. So I took him out of my bed and out of my life for weeks until he asked if we could one day try to be friends and I said, yes, one day.

 

That was yesterday. In the afternoon he dropped an email bombshell.

"Before I met you I had been thinking about proposing to my gf.

"Then I met you and started to fall for you so it felt wrong to be proposing.

"But a few days ago I did propose.

"You may think this is the worst decision of my life but I still hope we can one day be friends."

 

He knows I am devestated and keeps apologising. He says he wants to help me though this and wants to meet me for coffee tomorrow so we can talk face to face. He says I can call him to talk any time and that if we meet he will be able to control the feelings of attraction.

 

Despite my best efforts I really fell for him hard. Now I feel shattered, broken, guilty, raw, unattractive and scared I will not meet someone new.

I am 29 and live alone.

I cannot stop thinking about his gf and the life of lies they are embarking on together. I want to tell her, but he should tell her, not me. He swears he has never done anything like this before and never will again.

 

Should I meet him?

Should I tell her via a mutual friend of hers I happen to know?

Should we stay friends/ is it possible?

Should I encourage him to tell her?

 

Im sorry this has been long. Im grateful you read this at all.

And I am thirsty for any advice you have about what to do next and how to start feeling better.

 

thank you xxx

[Jinxx]

As an EXOW who fell hard for MM, my advice to you is to stay as far as possible. You are 29. Move on and try to meet a man who can give you all of his attention. It just is not worth it.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. The pain is sometimes unbearable, I know.

[whichwayisup]

You cannot be friends with someone you're inlove with. Him offering you a friendship is unfair to you, to him and his future wife. It will continue to be an emotional affair, and eventually turn into a physical affair.

 

The best thing for you is to end it completely right now. Don't see or talk to him again. And, don't tell her. It isn't your place to tell her. I mean, what do you think will happen? They'll break up and then he'll come to you on a rebound?

 

Cut him out of your life, and try to heal, move on. One day you'll meet a single man who can offer you a FULL relationship, not stolen moments from another woman's guy.

 

Good luck and please, do not get involved in his life.

[markfromark]

But when I Googled him I found he had a girlfriend of 2 years.

 

"Then I met you and started to fall for you so it felt wrong to be proposing.

"But a few days ago I did propose.

 

Ask yourself why you are loving a man who treats his future wife, the woman is about spend the rest of his days with, the way he does. He tried to cheat on his girlfriend and now he proposed to her. A man like him will break your heart a hundred times. Forget about him.

[puddleofmud]

Wlecome to the forum and I am very sorry for your pain.

The man is dedicated to another and off limits as you wisely and already know. You are to be commended that you care to understand yourself and trusted your instincts as they have served you well.

Sadly, his maturity level benefits no one. He has a great deal of growing up to do which is not your responsibilty. Do not enable him in his silly insecurities/ dysfunction--as this is often why men have affairs and continue to have them as they never have to grow up and take responsiblity as long as they can continue find enablers.

His current R may or not work out, but either way it will run its course in its own time.

Should you say anything most likely he will deny, lie, beg or whatever it takes. And because his fiance is obviously in love with HIM as she did agree to marriage--she will likely turn her head, deny, etc. A woman planning a wedding tends to be caught up in the romantic details so I doubt that telling her will do a thing other than further frustrate you.

You appear to be a very smart lady with so much to offer--being 29 and living alone is not such a bad thing, my dear! Being with someone who isn't at the level of maturity as you would be much worse....

This person has nothing, nada, zilch to offer you in the way of maturity as a partner. Love is one thing, someone you can trust and always be comfortable with, someone who advocates for YOU, and only you (!) would be a better choice, would it not?

Don't feel badly about yourself but be PROUD that you make good choices for yourself. And be PROUD that you will no longer befriend a person with questionable character traits by sticking your nose in the air and cutting him out of your life!

[Herzen]

He has moved on. It's time for you to move on, too.

 

Any further contact--in whatever form--will cause you more agony. He "belongs" to another woman, not to you. Remaining friends will be a constant reminder about the one who got away. Don't go there.

 

I recommend that you go out with friends, play sports, party, date, work-out. Stay active and engaged so you don't obsess about what might have been. You're in detox now, and you must come down from this.

 

Months later, when the addiction subsides, you'll be able to look at this misadventure with greater equanimity. Right now, though, your emotions are mugging you.

 

You'll get through this. We've all been there.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly... no. You shouldn't meet him. You shouldn't tell anyone about what happened. Do not be 'friends' with this guy, and do not encourage him to tell his fiance what happened. Your best bet is to firmly and irrevocably cut him off - cut off every means of contact you know of and do not contact him. You need to let this go and move on. If you ever have doubts just keep telling yourself...

 

"he cared so much for me that he proposed to someone else..."

[Guest]

Dear All,

 

Thank you SO much for reading about my my troubles and offering your words of support and advice. I am touched by the kindness of strangers and you have, all of you, helped to restore my faith in humanity.

 

I know you are right. I cannot stay friends with a man I am in love with. Every time I hear abut his fiancee, his wedding plans, his future children etc it is going to break my heart a little bit more.

And by staying in his life, I know all that will happen is that I will lavish him with the love and kindness I ought to be offering a man who deserves it more.

 

My Other Man is, just as you say, a man rife with insecurities. He would always comment on his weight, his appearance. He always needed validation from me that he was sexy and likeable despite being in a top job and being classically handsome. I know that when he says he wants 'friendship', what he REALLY wants is for me to keep coming back to stroke his ego and boost his self esteem. He is 8 years older than me.

A lot of our conversations revolved around me telling him he ought to like himself more. I guess self esteem issues really are at the heart of every affair, whatever side of the fence you are on.

 

I did not meet my OM the other day in the end, but only because he was busy,(ie celebrating his engagement). I am still obsessed with the idea of whether or not he wil ever cheat again. He always swore he never had before and, despite everything, I do believe him.

 

But I think I do want to see him one last time. I know you have all warned me against it, but let me explain. In the past, the only othe time I have ever been in love before, an ex ended our relationship by phone. He refused to let me meet him to say goodbye and a part of me has always regretted not being able to have proper closure.

 

I had breast cancer two years ago and feel life is too short to be angry with anyone. I would like to say goodbye to him and wish him happiness. I would likke to encourage him to be good to his future wife and try to resist temptation. I would like a happy ending to what has been a painful roller coaster.

 

Is it really so impossible?

 

x