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When push comes to shove!!


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forbidden fruit

My xmm and I had a long talk yesterday some 3 hours and we basically went in circles him wanting to keep the A going and me not wanting to settle for fwb. He told me all the lies, love you , care about you, need to have you , will eventually leave but not right ,yada yada yada. He then wanted to have sex in his house, then told me to not break this off until he times to think, and then to we cannot have sex because I feel too guilty. So after this rollercoaster of a afternoon I finally had enough. I told him I love you, but I cannot continue to do this so call me when you sign the divorce papers, until then do not contact me or my family. Well, it sent him into a rage because I pushed him into a corner he could not get out of.

 

It was the final ultimatum and then I saw his true colors. I saw the true mm not the one he has wanting me to see all this time. I just stood there shocked, but finally got my truth and through his rage he said I don't care enough. Well, that was all I needed to hear and I said we are through and don't come near me or my family ever again.

 

Of course he freaked when he realized what he had said and tried to come back and say he did not mean it. When push comes to shove you will get your truth, but be careful because it might not be the truth you want to hear or expect. I was semi aware of my truth so I was not surprised, but it is devasting nonethless.

 

After a almost two years this is what I get I did not care enough. So there it is and now it is time to move on.

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GOOD FOR YOU! You stood up for yourself and you did a good thing for you and your well-being. Sounds like it is going to be tough, but stick to it and you will come out of this A with your head held high! :)

Congrats on moving on with your life!

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You've been living in denial for 2 years. It's ok to fool around with married men, but don't expect them to leave their marriage.

 

The truth has set you free. Now go out and enjoy yourself.

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whichwayisup
My xmm and I had a long talk yesterday some 3 hours and we basically went in circles him wanting to keep the A going and me not wanting to settle for fwb. He told me all the lies, love you , care about you, need to have you , will eventually leave but not right ,yada yada yada. He then wanted to have sex in his house, then told me to not break this off until he times to think, and then to we cannot have sex because I feel too guilty. So after this rollercoaster of a afternoon I finally had enough. I told him I love you, but I cannot continue to do this so call me when you sign the divorce papers, until then do not contact me or my family. Well, it sent him into a rage because I pushed him into a corner he could not get out of.

 

It was the final ultimatum and then I saw his true colors. I saw the true mm not the one he has wanting me to see all this time. I just stood there shocked, but finally got my truth and through his rage he said I don't care enough. Well, that was all I needed to hear and I said we are through and don't come near me or my family ever again.

 

Of course he freaked when he realized what he had said and tried to come back and say he did not mean it. When push comes to shove you will get your truth, but be careful because it might not be the truth you want to hear or expect. I was semi aware of my truth so I was not surprised, but it is devasting nonethless.

 

After a almost two years this is what I get I did not care enough. So there it is and now it is time to move on.

 

Remember this post FF. I hope this time it's for real and you DO move on, and not let him back into your life.

 

It's just that this is like the 3rd time you've had these 'wake up' calls, seeing the MM for who he is and you get fed up, pissed off and say IT IS OVER! Then, you relapse....

 

Stay strong.

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Remember this post FF. I hope this time it's for real and you DO move on, and not let him back into your life.

 

It's just that this is like the 3rd time you've had these 'wake up' calls, seeing the MM for who he is and you get fed up, pissed off and say IT IS OVER! Then, you relapse....

 

Stay strong.

 

 

What a loser?

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IfWishesWereHorses

After a almost two years this is what I get I did not care enough.

 

They always blame someone else!! I've heard, so your just giving up on me, til I'm blue in the face. You've had a chance to see the real him, not the man he wanted you to believe he was. Had he left for you THIS is the man that you would be stuck with. While you're greiving, just remember, you are mourning the man you wanted him to be (and he wanted you to believe he was). Nothing good could have come from it ever. That said, his actions showed you who he was and what he was capable of to begin with.

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whichwayisup
it is sad when they tell us how they really feel, isnt it :(

 

I don't mean this harshly, but what is sadder is reading after a MM tells their OW how they feel, some OW still stick around.......

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Ruby Tuesday

Blameshifting. Many BW are so painfully aware of this phenomenon, having leant the hard way and all. :( There should be a MM/WS manual to refer to because if there was one, this would be in it.

 

The blameshifting (sometimes gaslighting or demonizing the partner) is the turn-around game where they are clearly very wrong but the WS/MM will not stop, he will not apologize, and he will (quite literally) walk away and sleep like a baby at night while you are left there bewildered, holding your heart in your hands and feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Now you're his victim. Which can cause depression. Anxiety attacks... But wait, you put your own nervous breakdown on hold for two years (coupled with life changing decisions for him) so you can help him with his problems, just to be told that you don't care don't "appreciate" him enough. Good grief Charlie Brown. IKWYM.

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Ruby Tuesday
What a loser?

 

Yeah, exactly lol. Would you feel better if we call him a loser? Where does he live? (Kidding) *smiles* :D

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Yeah, exactly lol. Would you feel better if we call him a loser? Where does he live? (Kidding) *smiles* :D

 

I asked her why she had to be so free. She told me, 'It's the only way to be.'

 

It should be your sig line.

 

And every woman's motto.

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Yeah, exactly lol. Would you feel better if we call him a loser? Where does he live? (Kidding) *smiles* :D

 

YES!! And what does he drive? :D

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ThumbingMyWay
he said I don't care enough.

 

 

from a male POV.

 

This can be interpreted into:

 

so your not going to have sex with me anymore?

 

 

good for you FF. Stick with it. You wasted 2 years....yes WASTED. Yeah you had some good times.....but you just entered into TRUTH land....and now you see what I have been trying to explain to all these OW here....

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Ruby Tuesday
I asked her why she had to be so free. She told me, 'It's the only way to be.'

 

It should be your sig line.

 

And every woman's motto.

 

 

Location: Hotel California.

It's only rock and roll :)

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IfWishesWereHorses

The blameshifting (sometimes gaslighting or demonizing the partner) is the turn-around game where they are clearly very wrong but the WS/MM will not stop, he will not apologize, and he will (quite literally) walk away and sleep like a baby at night while you are left there bewildered, holding your heart in your hands and feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Now you're his victim. Which can cause depression. Anxiety attacks... But wait, you put your own nervous breakdown on hold for two years (coupled with life changing decisions for him) so you can help him with his problems, just to be told that you don't care don't "appreciate" him enough.

 

Singing my life with your song....

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outofdarkness
My xmm and I had a long talk yesterday some 3 hours and we basically went in circles him wanting to keep the A going and me not wanting to settle for fwb. He told me all the lies, love you , care about you, need to have you , will eventually leave but not right ,yada yada yada. He then wanted to have sex in his house, then told me to not break this off until he times to think, and then to we cannot have sex because I feel too guilty. So after this rollercoaster of a afternoon I finally had enough. I told him I love you, but I cannot continue to do this so call me when you sign the divorce papers, until then do not contact me or my family. Well, it sent him into a rage because I pushed him into a corner he could not get out of.

 

It was the final ultimatum and then I saw his true colors. I saw the true mm not the one he has wanting me to see all this time. I just stood there shocked, but finally got my truth and through his rage he said I don't care enough. Well, that was all I needed to hear and I said we are through and don't come near me or my family ever again.

 

Of course he freaked when he realized what he had said and tried to come back and say he did not mean it. When push comes to shove you will get your truth, but be careful because it might not be the truth you want to hear or expect. I was semi aware of my truth so I was not surprised, but it is devasting nonethless.

 

After a almost two years this is what I get I did not care enough. So there it is and now it is time to move on.

Good for you. We W's hear this quite frequently too! You sound really secure in your skin, and this is wonderful. Good luck to you in your new life minus your jerko MM...

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BRAVO FF! You should be very proud of yourself. No matter the number of wake up calls you've had in the past, you are taking care of yourself and that's fantastic. Everyone gets to their "had enough" stage at a different time and place. Stay strong and get people to hold you accountable. It really makes a difference.

 

My xmm and I had a long talk yesterday some 3 hours and we basically went in circles him wanting to keep the A going and me not wanting to settle for fwb. He told me all the lies, love you , care about you, need to have you , will eventually leave but not right ,yada yada yada. He then wanted to have sex in his house, then told me to not break this off until he times to think, and then to we cannot have sex because I feel too guilty. So after this rollercoaster of a afternoon I finally had enough. I told him I love you, but I cannot continue to do this so call me when you sign the divorce papers, until then do not contact me or my family. Well, it sent him into a rage because I pushed him into a corner he could not get out of.

 

It was the final ultimatum and then I saw his true colors. I saw the true mm not the one he has wanting me to see all this time. I just stood there shocked, but finally got my truth and through his rage he said I don't care enough. Well, that was all I needed to hear and I said we are through and don't come near me or my family ever again.

 

Of course he freaked when he realized what he had said and tried to come back and say he did not mean it. When push comes to shove you will get your truth, but be careful because it might not be the truth you want to hear or expect. I was semi aware of my truth so I was not surprised, but it is devasting nonethless.

 

After a almost two years this is what I get I did not care enough. So there it is and now it is time to move on.

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forbidden fruit
BRAVO FF! You should be very proud of yourself. No matter the number of wake up calls you've had in the past, you are taking care of yourself and that's fantastic. Everyone gets to their "had enough" stage at a different time and place. Stay strong and get people to hold you accountable. It really makes a difference.

I should clarify it was mm who said he doesn't care enough not vice versa, not that I did not care enough. Well that did it for me . He just called me and left a message that he is truly sorry and that he lost it and that I truly mean alot to him. Same old sme old could he not think of a new line. It does feel good to have power back. He knows I will not take him back he sunk his ship, put the nail in the coffin and any other saying that pertains. ;)

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I should clarify it was mm who said he doesn't care enough not vice versa, not that I did not care enough. Well that did it for me . He just called me and left a message that he is truly sorry and that he lost it and that I truly mean alot to him. Same old sme old could he not think of a new line. It does feel good to have power back. He knows I will not take him back he sunk his ship, put the nail in the coffin and any other saying that pertains. ;)

 

 

FF, Good For You!:) I admire your courage and strength! You have put up with his line's for far to long now! Keep it up!

 

AP:)

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Still proud of you. You can do this FF. There will be extremely hard moments as you know. It makes it very difficult to hear the very words we want to believe are the truth. Do you have any friends holding you accountable? I know I sound like a broken record, but if I had not had certain people lined up to help me I wouldn't have made it. They keep me strong each time my xmm decides its appropriate to interupt my life again.

 

I should clarify it was mm who said he doesn't care enough not vice versa, not that I did not care enough. Well that did it for me . He just called me and left a message that he is truly sorry and that he lost it and that I truly mean alot to him. Same old sme old could he not think of a new line. It does feel good to have power back. He knows I will not take him back he sunk his ship, put the nail in the coffin and any other saying that pertains. ;)
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forbidden fruit
BRAVO FF! You should be very proud of yourself. No matter the number of wake up calls you've had in the past, you are taking care of yourself and that's fantastic. Everyone gets to their "had enough" stage at a different time and place. Stay strong and get people to hold you accountable. It really makes a difference.

 

I should clarify it was mm who said he doesn't care enough not vice versa, not that I did not care enough. Well that did it for me . He just called me and left a message that he is truly sorry and that he lost it and that I truly mean alot to him. Same old sme old could he not think of a new line. It does feel good to have power back. He knows I will not take him back he sunk his ship, put the nail in the coffin and any other saying that pebrtains. ;)

My other question is why, why, why does he keep coming back when he already knows that he has to Sh*** or get off the pot. Is it because he is hoping i will cave like all the other thousand times. Why would he want this aggravation. i feel like a nagging wife to him and I am not even married to him. He said most guys who have affairs don't even bother talking to their mistresses about anything once it gets too much, but because I care so much and I don't want to lose you I put in the effort. I thought i would throw up from that rational. Wow they really have a way of spinning things to their benefit. He forgets I am married too and I could say the same thing which I did and he was dumbfounded. Will he keep calling and when will it stop? What should be my mo when he comes over or calls?

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whichwayisup
My other question is why, why, why does he keep coming back when he already knows that he has to Sh*** or get off the pot

 

He keeps coming back because you keep caving. He knows what to say and how to push your buttons so you'll keep him alittle bit in your life. If you want it all to stop, have nothing to do with him on a personal level at all! Deal with his wife when it comes to your kids. (And, who cares what she thinks if you are just dealing with her. That's HIS problem, not yours.)

 

Is it because he is hoping i will cave like all the other thousand times.

Yes. If you stop caving to his needs and little games to keep you hooked, it will all stop! Take control.

 

He forgets I am married too

 

But, FF, you're not acting like you're married. Your actions around him is enabling his behaviour. This is why so many have told you to NOT to talk to him. When he follows you to your house, DO not let him. DO not talk to him, just say bye and close the door.

 

Will he keep calling and when will it stop? What should be my mo when he comes over or calls?

 

It will stop when you stop playing the game. When he calls you say I can't talk, I'm busy. And keep on doing that UNTIL HE realizes whatever he is doing isn't working anymore. *DO NOT worry about how he'll react, feel or what he thinks. It doesn't matter.* IF he shows up at your house, again, DO NOT LET HIM IN. Use the busy line...Or, better yet, let your H deal with him.

 

In the meantime, you keep on doing what you can to emotionally detach yourself from him. Think of him less, don't LOOK at him if he is outside. If you're outside and he comes out of his house -BE OBVIOUS and go inside your house. HE will pick up on those actions and realize it IS over and he'll stop bothering you.

 

Good luck and keep strong!

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forbidden fruit
He keeps coming back because you keep caving. He knows what to say and how to push your buttons so you'll keep him alittle bit in your life. If you want it all to stop, have nothing to do with him on a personal level at all! Deal with his wife when it comes to your kids. (And, who cares what she thinks if you are just dealing with her. That's HIS problem, not yours.)

 

 

Yes. If you stop caving to his needs and little games to keep you hooked, it will all stop! Take control.

 

 

 

But, FF, you're not acting like you're married. Your actions around him is enabling his behaviour. This is why so many have told you to NOT to talk to him. When he follows you to your house, DO not let him. DO not talk to him, just say bye and close the door.

 

 

 

It will stop when you stop playing the game. When he calls you say I can't talk, I'm busy. And keep on doing that UNTIL HE realizes whatever he is doing isn't working anymore. *DO NOT worry about how he'll react, feel or what he thinks. It doesn't matter.* IF he shows up at your house, again, DO NOT LET HIM IN. Use the busy line...Or, better yet, let your H deal with him.

 

In the meantime, you keep on doing what you can to emotionally detach yourself from him. Think of him less, don't LOOK at him if he is outside. If you're outside and he comes out of his house -BE OBVIOUS and go inside your house. HE will pick up on those actions and realize it IS over and he'll stop bothering you.

 

Good luck and keep strong!

 

I totally understand what you are saying but I am still in shock like I have been in a car accident. He said the most hurtful things to me that anyone ha ever said and I am still stunned. He called to apologize, but once again they are only words. I think he is not really sorry and I am just so upset, mad angry and confused. Any advice?

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outofdarkness
I totally understand what you are saying but I am still in shock like I have been in a car accident. He said the most hurtful things to me that anyone ha ever said and I am still stunned. He called to apologize, but once again they are only words. I think he is not really sorry and I am just so upset, mad angry and confused. Any advice?

Just do anything you can to stay busy and rebuff his advances/attempts to contact you. You will begin to see the light the longer you been away from him. He sounds toxic...At least for you...

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forbidden fruit
Just do anything you can to stay busy and rebuff his advances/attempts to contact you. You will begin to see the light the longer you been away from him. He sounds toxic...At least for you...

 

He is so toxic for me and my family. The last couple of days have been hell. He thinks he is off the hook because he said I am sorry and that should clear his conscience. He came up to talk to H and I went in the house. did not so much as look at him. Now I am realizing everything he said was a lie and when he said he does not care enough he was being honest. I hate him for messing with my head for almost two years, bu it is not all his fault because I allowed it to happen. My daughters birthday party is next week, how do I handle that. I don't want to have anything to do with their family and I definately do not want to see either one of them. I feel bad for their daughter because she is innocent in all of this , but I feel if I let her in then just puts me in bad position with him. Should I invite her or not and if I do that would mean I would have to him or his wife. Any thoughts?

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