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My best friend and I have fallen in love but she's...


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In a bit of an agonising situation. I've known my best friend for three and a half years. We instantly hit it off,we are so natural and get on so well, we've always felt like we've known each other for years, such rapport and chemistry. We've always cared about each other, loved each other (with a small 'L') until around August last year when we both confessed that we had fallen deeply in love with each other.

 

We tried to keep things purely platonic despite this fact but ended up kissing towards the end of last year and this year it has continued to where we have a semi-physical relationship. We both want each other madly and are heavily in love but not only see ourselves as lovers, but still as closest friends, each other's rock.

 

The problem is, she's been married to a very isolated man she hasn't loved for 10 years. He keeps her down and has slowly cut off her social network. He is not a bad man but their marriage is not one of love and emotion, it is now of convenience, a safe routine. They are financially stable and my friend has a lot of guilt about the situation as, though she does not love him, she feels sorry for him and fears he will always be alone if she leaves him (though she has intended to eventually do this in the long term, even before meeting me.)

 

But we love each other so much, we are the greatest companions each has ever had. The situation hurts so much, both of us in absolute agony when we are apart but her with more to lose and the added pain that brings.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation?

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If you haven't started a physical or emotional affair don't start now. It will make things worse. If you have, then I would suggest you stop.

 

She needs to work on her own marriage and until she is divorced she is taken.

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Christ man all your [sIZE=2]describing[/sIZE] is Lust (harmones)......

 

Assuming your single.......run, run......don't walk and don't look back......or you may be in for a lot of pain....

 

Right....tell her to call you when she's divorced.

 

I guarantee you that there are a lot of nice... beautiful women out there, who you will Lust over more than her.

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Thanks for the input. We've spoken about 'splitting up' many times, and have decided it's the best option, but then either I've caved in or she's caved in and it's back to the current state of affair(s). We crave each other so much. But I'm pretty wise and know that the situation will likely end in tears, or take years to adequately resolve.

 

Mike, I can assure you that it is not purely lust, I am not a guy totally dominated by his dick. It's more about the fact that we feel perfect when we are together. I've been told I'm a very attractive guy, I've had girls throwing themselves at me, but I'm not a super-stud type, I want a friend who I can spend time with and talk and love. I've only ever loved one woman before, and not as much as I love this one, and she feels the same way about me.

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Thanks for the input. We've spoken about 'splitting up' many times, and have decided it's the best option, but then either I've caved in or she's caved in and it's back to the current state of affair(s). We crave each other so much. But I'm pretty wise and know that the situation will likely end in tears, or take years to adequately resolve.

 

Mike, I can assure you that it is not purely lust, I am not a guy totally dominated by his dick. It's more about the fact that we feel perfect when we are together. I've been told I'm a very attractive guy, I've had girls throwing themselves at me, but I'm not a super-stud type, I want a friend who I can spend time with and talk and love. I've only ever loved one woman before, and not as much as I love this one, and she feels the same way about me.

 

So are you the OM?

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IMO the best thing to do is for the affair to stop now, go NC and her and her H get into IC and MC to work on the marriage.

 

If you both were meant to be together don't you think she would divorce her H or at least filled for it by now?

 

You are the OM and fulfill the needs her H doesn't. That's it.

 

Your going to click with many people. Find someone who's single who you can have a life with.

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In a bit of an agonising situation. I've known my best friend for three and a half years. We instantly hit it off,we are so natural and get on so well, we've always felt like we've known each other for years, such rapport and chemistry. We've always cared about each other, loved each other (with a small 'L') until around August last year when we both confessed that we had fallen deeply in love with each other.

 

We tried to keep things purely platonic despite this fact but ended up kissing towards the end of last year and this year it has continued to where we have a semi-physical relationship. We both want each other madly and are heavily in love but not only see ourselves as lovers, but still as closest friends, each other's rock.

 

The problem is, she's been married to a very isolated man she hasn't loved for 10 years. He keeps her down and has slowly cut off her social network. He is not a bad man but their marriage is not one of love and emotion, it is now of convenience, a safe routine. They are financially stable and my friend has a lot of guilt about the situation as, though she does not love him, she feels sorry for him and fears he will always be alone if she leaves him (though she has intended to eventually do this in the long term, even before meeting me.)

 

But we love each other so much, we are the greatest companions each has ever had. The situation hurts so much, both of us in absolute agony when we are apart but her with more to lose and the added pain that brings.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation?

 

Hi cudLroo, I feel for you, However you need to GET out NOW! NC. You need not worry about her marriage, she need's to do that. You say you love each other very much? Why is she still with her H and not with you? Because that's what it boils down to. If she really wanted to be with you she would get a divorce first. Trust me I learned all this from my 18 month E/A. I let thing's go to far culdlroo and it's truely is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Do you want to feel that pain? You will if you continue on with this MW. I realize it's hard to end things with so many feeling's involved, but if thing's keep going those feelig's will get deeper and deeper and you will Truely be in for a big time Heartbreak. Best.

 

Ap:)

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The problem is, she's been married to a very isolated man she hasn't loved for 10 years. He keeps her down and has slowly cut off her social network.

 

So you are her entire social network? How does she managed that with her husband? Does she lie to him? If so, then you know she's capable of lying. Do you think she might be lying to you as well about some things?

 

He is not a bad man but their marriage is not one of love and emotion, it is now of convenience, a safe routine. They are financially stable and my friend has a lot of guilt about the situation as, though she does not love him, she feels sorry for him and fears he will always be alone if she leaves him (though she has intended to eventually do this in the long term, even before meeting me.)

 

So, if she "has intended to eventually" leave him in the long term, why not do it now? What good will it do her husband if she leaves him later rather than now? Won't he be just as alone - and a lot older?

 

Her story isn't adding up. She doesn't love him, but she feels bad he'll be alone if she leaves him? Who stays with someone they don't love out of pity? Do they have children?

 

But we love each other so much, we are the greatest companions each has ever had. The situation hurts so much, both of us in absolute agony when we are apart but her with more to lose and the added pain that brings.

 

As long as you continue in her role as a crutch, you are making it easier for her to stay in a situation she's unhappy in - if she's truly unhappy. You are making it bearable for her to stay, because she has you for comfort.

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IMO the best thing to do is for the affair to stop now, go NC and her and her H get into IC and MC to work on the marriage.

 

If you both were meant to be together don't you think she would divorce her H or at least filled for it by now?

 

You are the OM and fulfill the needs her H doesn't. That's it.

 

Your going to click with many people. Find someone who's single who you can have a life with.

 

They've had counselling. He won't change. I AM the OM and fulfill the needs her H doesn't. It's not just 'it', though. The situation is very complex, very complex, not as cut and dried as I make it sound. It's probably still a foolish situation, but a complex one.

 

Hi cudLroo, I feel for you, However you need to GET out NOW! NC. You need not worry about her marriage, she need's to do that. You say you love each other very much? Why is she still with her H and not with you? Because that's what it boils down to. If she really wanted to be with you she would get a divorce first. Trust me I learned all this from my 18 month E/A. I let thing's go to far culdlroo and it's truely is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Do you want to feel that pain? You will if you continue on with this MW. I realize it's hard to end things with so many feeling's involved, but if thing's keep going those feelig's will get deeper and deeper and you will Truely be in for a big time Heartbreak. Best.

 

Ap:)

 

Again, the wisest answer rears up! Trust me, I've been in such massive pain for the last few months, tears and suicidal feelings and anxiety and stuff, total blockage. Maybe the problem is with me, maybe I'm just too weak and care about her too much and forget about myself. Maybe I don't really care about myself, just her. I don't know. Maybe the fact that we are the greatest friends we've ever had makes everything a lot worse and even more painful.

 

So you are her entire social network? How does she managed that with her husband? Does she lie to him? If so, then you know she's capable of lying. Do you think she might be lying to you as well about some things?

 

She's told him I'm her friend, yes, when I was *just* her friend and he was extremely jealous and had a blazing argument with her. But I'm much more than that now, so she is lying to him. She probably is lying to me about some things. I can accept that, and have thought about that on many an occasion.

 

So, if she "has intended to eventually" leave him in the long term, why not do it now? What good will it do her husband if she leaves him later rather than now? Won't he be just as alone - and a lot older?

 

She's at quite a late stage in her life. She can live the rest of her life in relative stability with a man she doesn't love who she intends to divorce anyway. Her head is massively conflicted.

 

Her story isn't adding up. She doesn't love him, but she feels bad he'll be alone if she leaves him? Who stays with someone they don't love out of pity? Do they have children?

 

She has kids from a previous marriage but none with him. She's a really caring, truly generous type of person and she doesn't like hurting people.

 

As long as you continue in her role as a crutch, you are making it easier for her to stay in a situation she's unhappy in - if she's truly unhappy. You are making it bearable for her to stay, because she has you for comfort.

 

I've thought about that a lot, too. You're right to a certain degree but the opposite applies, too, probably moreso. But I can only write so much on here and don't want to go into too much detail about stuff that has happened in regards to her and her husband. I'll just say that she sees herself at a crossroads but has felt very weak in moving on for a long time.

 

Sorry about the weak replies to your responses, everyone, I'm a tad drunk and tired and apologise to you all. Thanks, guys.:)

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They've had counselling. He won't change. I AM the OM and fulfill the needs her H doesn't. It's not just 'it', though. The situation is very complex, very complex, not as cut and dried as I make it sound. It's probably still a foolish situation, but a complex one.

 

It's only complex if you make it that way.

 

If they've been to MC and still the marriage isn't working out like she wants it to, then what's her reason for staying with him?

 

Do you think if her needs were being met by her H there would be no reason for her to turn to you?

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It's only complex if you make it that way.

 

Trust me, the situation is way complex(!) I don't want to reveal too many details, and I catch the drift of what you're saying

 

If they've been to MC and still the marriage isn't working out like she wants it to, then what's her reason for staying with him?

 

Her whole life has been dominated by guilt and control and religion and moments of abandon. She has a wayward side to her personality which she tries hard to repress for fear of losing control. She's afraid that if she leaves him, her life will spiral out of control, especially at the age she is (51). She feels the risk may be too great - her life, whilst unsatisfying, is stable and predictable, and with me things would be a little more difficult to predict for her in that respect.

 

Do you think if her needs were being met by her H there would be no reason for her to turn to you?

 

I don't think her H can fulfil her emotional needs, he never has been able to. He has always been reliable and faithful and this was her main factor in marrying him after her previous marriage to a serial adulterer. In the last few years he has created some massive rifts between her and her family (from her previous marriage) which have destroyed her attraction to him. Though she doesn't love him any more, hasn't truly for years, she still cares about him and feels great guilt at the prospect of hurting him, and though she intends to leave him one day soon regardless of me, she finds the prospect of causing such pain uncomfortable and continually procrastinates her ultimate decision, especially in conjunction to the stability issue. She is a very conflicted person.

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puddleofmud

Should you be having/ have had suicidal thoughts then it may be best if you find some individual counseling.

This R is toxic for you though you may feel in love and wish to protect your best friend, which is most admirable.

Leaving an abusive spouse is DANGEROUS and you may be ill equiped to handle any aspect...best to get some professional help for YOU lest the situation becomes too difficult to navigate or worsens where it is dangerous/ threatening.

Not saying it will be but just could be so to be forarmed may would be best.

Take care of yourself and stay strong!

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Seems that she should seek individual counseling rather than MC. Whatever these things are that have happened to her she obviously hasn't recovered. IS she co-dependent on two people instead of one now?

 

I don't doubt that the two of you have real feelings for each other. Honestly, 100% of postings here will tell you to get out, walk away, leave before anything happens, and that she will never leave her H. Realistically do you think she'll leave? You know her better than any of us here. Are her issues too severe?

 

If you can sit back and think about it, long and hard, and come to the conclusion that this woman that you love will be strong enough to walk away someday then support her. If you, as much as you love her, can't see her ever being able to leave, even with you as her support then it's time to step back and let your heart break.

 

I guess I would want mine to break quickly rather than have it crack over years.

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Should you be having/ have had suicidal thoughts then it may be best if you find some individual counseling.

This R is toxic for you though you may feel in love and wish to protect your best friend, which is most admirable.

Leaving an abusive spouse is DANGEROUS and you may be ill equiped to handle any aspect...best to get some professional help for YOU lest the situation becomes too difficult to navigate or worsens where it is dangerous/ threatening.

Not saying it will be but just could be so to be forarmed may would be best.

Take care of yourself and stay strong!

 

Thanks for your words, POM. I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts and can usually handle them. I have had counselling and will NEVER end it all, despite how bad stuff is and how great the desire is to die at times. The current relationship often seems mutually toxic but is also seems a mutual panacea, it's crazy. We really do love each other, we both care deeply, so much. It's just that she's just not used to feeling so liberated after so many years of being controlled, it makes her so uncertain.

 

Seems that she should seek individual counseling rather than MC. Whatever these things are that have happened to her she obviously hasn't recovered. IS she co-dependent on two people instead of one now?

 

She is having individual counselling at the moment. She has it once a week, and it makes her think deeply about her situation. It's brought up some massive issues for her, clarified matters, stuff we've talked over before, but once she leaves the counselor, she finds confronting her issues difficult and she shrivels back up. As for her being co-dependent, I would say she is, but her emotions for me are very deep and are causing her to question her stable situation massively. She knows she wants me, and has said it to me on many occasions, especially recently.

 

I don't doubt that the two of you have real feelings for each other. Honestly, 100% of postings here will tell you to get out, walk away, leave before anything happens, and that she will never leave her H. Realistically do you think she'll leave? You know her better than any of us here. Are her issues too severe?

 

I think she will eventually leave him. I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen. Her issues have plagued her long before I came on the scene. He is crushing her.

 

If you can sit back and think about it, long and hard, and come to the conclusion that this woman that you love will be strong enough to walk away someday then support her. If you, as much as you love her, can't see her ever being able to leave, even with you as her support then it's time to step back and let your heart break.

 

I guess I would want mine to break quickly rather than have it crack over years.

 

I thank you for your understanding. ;)

 

I will support her anyway, whatever she does, she is my ultimate friend and I am hers. I will never hate her.

 

In this relationship, my heart is in a constant state of heartbreak. It's really hard, total agony at times. But I KNOW she loves me, truly. It might take her a couple years more to walk away from him, and even then I'm not sure how healthy waiting for the 'perfect end' is, but I'll wait like a fool. I've never felt love like this before.

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whichwayisup
I think she will eventually leave him. I don't know how long it will take, but it will happen. Her issues have plagued her long before I came on the scene. He is crushing her.

 

And, unknowingly, you're crushing her as well by sticking around, waiting for her to leave her husband. If her marriage ends, let it be because it isn't working out - Not because of you. If she ends her marriage and runs into your arms, YOU are the rebound and the relationship won't last.

 

Even if the marriage ends, she will need time alone before entering into another serious relationship.

 

For a week - Give her some space to think. And during that week, you can do some reflecting and use the time to figure out what you really want. Right now it seems you're settling for table scraps...

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^You're right, I am crushing her in my own way, and I'm fully aware of that. These types of situation are difficult, you never know what way to twist or turn.

 

We met earlier today and were talking about that, how we both are maybe too addicted to each other and need time to think stuff over. It always seems to come down to the magic word 'Patience' in the end.

 

We both agreed not to txt for a bit and see what happens. We both fulfilled that agreement tonight...:rolleyes:

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  • 2 weeks later...

i am in exactly the same situation: i met my best friend in January 2006 and since then our friendship developed in to an amazing best friendship; to the point where we say the same phrases or know when each other would text. We went out a few times and ended up revealing alot of history about our childhood and upbringing, more often than not crying together, and comforting each other, texting each other. At this point her husband became suspicious and stopped the friendship, only occasionally allowing us to see each other. She has 4 natural children and one to his other partner. One night in November we went out and both got really drunk and talked of our distress if i was to leave my current position at work. In a desperate embrace this turned in to the most amazing kiss i have ever experienced in my life, EVER, incomparable. The friendship continued and this was not talked about for a couple of weeks when she came to stay for the night, we had a bottle of the best Marlborough and went out to the local wine bar, and could not take our eyes off each other. This turned into kissing in the wine bar and then the rest is history that night, again amazing and i would never take it back for all the tea in china. In the morning when we woke up (it was her birthday) i thought i would be so embarrassed. But just her next to me made me feel the most amazing feeling ever, so i wrapped my legs around hers, told her that her birthday present was hidden in the room, and that i would cook her the most fantastic breakfast ever. so, I slept with her sober when i woke and saw her, and for me that was the biggest thing ever cause it brought it to my subconscious. We went out occasionally after and we were both desperate to be together, shadowed by her husband and her family commitments, the more she tried to control it the worse it made me. Knowing i had felt such amazing love, but for the situation of family husband and fiancée, it was painful and desperate at all times. After a while her husband picked up on her unhappiness and allowed me to stay over for the night at their house, we bought some good wines and talked all night, but as always we could not help but be together. Innocently i went to stay in their spare room, and he came home from work and caught her leaving the spare room, and went mad. since then, again we were not permitted to see each other. she told me this and i was physically sick for two days, to the point where i thought i would die, so i went to see him at their house to try and 'right' the friendship. He accepted the statements. This torture went on for several weeks, until one fateful night when she went out with her brother and him in her home town, they got drunk and went home and left her out with some acquaintances in a local wine bar, i was out with another friend, but came across her. Thinking he was home and asleep, she stayed out with us, it was fab At approximately 4am she received a call from her husband, left and got a taxi. The guy i was out with, tried to coerce me back to my house, but with my head filled full of my best friend, i left and got a taxi some 28 miles away. During the stretch home, the guy kept texting me about his feelings for me, so i sent a text back saying i was sorry for not being interested in him. But in a weird twist of fate, i sent it to her. At this time, she was being beaten by her husband, the text stopped the battering which gave her a conclusion which kept her from her work and love for over a week. During this time and now she has cut her contact, and resumed in a lesser psychological manner, leaving me in turmoil. physically sick to panic and worry. I have managed to handle these feelings into emotional numbness, knowing full well she probably feels exactly the same. alls i can say, is i have loved and liked men all my life, enjoyed their bodies etc and never thought of anything else until i met my best friend. I don’t think i will ever feel such an emotional connection, a love so strong, a mind presence, a want, need or anything else for any other person. we have had the most different upbringing, such different experiences, but strangely, we are the same.

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