pricillia Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I hope that this does not sound stupid... But they say that Men cheat for the sex, and women cheat for an emotional need. So how many people belive that to be the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I think ego stroking plays in there somewhere too. Link to post Share on other sites
zeldazelda Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 i think it dpends on the individual and his or her situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 //raising hand - ME! There are exceptions, of course, but I think generally what you stated is true. Most of the time, when women cheat, they end up leaving the marriage. I think it's women who probably do the 'exit affair' thing more than men. I know I'm generalizing here, but I believe statistics, overall, will bear this out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Yeah.. BTDT... But having sex at least for me anyway in a intimate thing... men have feelings as well and I am not just talking about below the belt... What constitutes love and in love for them then??? Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm afraid I'm a little cynical right now so you might not like what I'm about to say. When a man is really in love, even if he happens to fall in love with another woman while he's in a commited relationship, he will do anything it takes to be with that woman. Even if it means walking away from his commited relationship. I think men are very good at throwing around the L-word to get what they want. They're just programmed that way. And we women are programmed to take that L-word and float on it, make excuses for it, not wanting to give up that warm-fuzzy (although, ultimately, false) feeling. A man who claims to love the OW, but doesn't leave his CR (and I don't care what the excuse is), isn't truly "in love." At least the way we tend to define what true love means. He may sometimes even actually believe he feels love. Again, I realize there is a small percentage that does not bear this thinking out. I can allow for that. But that is a very small percentage, and very rare. Love is love, is love, is love. Period. It's not stolen moments, hidden in shame, kept in the shadows. It's not a spare phone call or text here and there. It's not a quick meeting when it's convenient to his present situation. Also, I'm speaking here of men who cheat. Especially longtime and repeat ofenders. There are plenty of men out there who just don't cheat. I definitely don't want to lump all men into this category. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pricillia Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Ok thanks I will think about what you said Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm afraid I'm a little cynical right now so you might not like what I'm about to say. When a man is really in love, even if he happens to fall in love with another woman while he's in a commited relationship, he will do anything it takes to be with that woman. Even if it means walking away from his commited relationship. I think men are very good at throwing around the L-word to get what they want. They're just programmed that way. And we women are programmed to take that L-word and float on it, make excuses for it, not wanting to give up that warm-fuzzy (although, ultimately, false) feeling. A man who claims to love the OW, but doesn't leave his CR (and I don't care what the excuse is), isn't truly "in love." At least the way we tend to define what true love means. He may sometimes even actually believe he feels love. Again, I realize there is a small percentage that does not bear this thinking out. I can allow for that. But that is a very small percentage, and very rare. Love is love, is love, is love. Period. It's not stolen moments, hidden in shame, kept in the shadows. It's not a spare phone call or text here and there. It's not a quick meeting when it's convenient to his present situation. Also, I'm speaking here of men who cheat. Especially longtime and repeat ofenders. There are plenty of men out there who just don't cheat. I definitely don't want to lump all men into this category. I totally agree. Love isn't just something you feel, it's something you do. Loving someone means you behave in a loving way toward them, and it requires loving actions toward that person. Loving someone requires respecting them. Betraying a spouse and betraying an other woman (and yes, having a secret affair without ever leaving the wife is a betrayal of the other woman's love) are not loving, respectful actions. Not loving AT ALL. Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I hope that this does not sound stupid... But they say that Men cheat for the sex, and women cheat for an emotional need. So how many people belive that to be the truth? I know my H had EA's just as much as the PA's...I don't believe this to be true with everyone...Each situation is unique... Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 When a man is really in love, even if he happens to fall in love with another woman while he's in a commited relationship, he will do anything it takes to be with that woman. Even if it means walking away from his commited relationship. I would also have to agree with this point. Just remember men dont " fall in love " the same as a woman. But when he truly does fall he will fight with everything he has to be with that person most of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Just remember men dont " fall in love " the same as a woman. Will you elaborate? How is it different? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. For the most part, I guess the best way to put it is women get that warm fuzzy love feeling. They want to be WITH him all the time, they THINK about him all the time. Men just sit back and say " DAMN IM LUCKY!!!!" Link to post Share on other sites
cbl Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 i think both.... men also have emotional needs and they cheat for that need, just in different shape and forms Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Basicly, women think about it, men dont see it coming. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. For the most part, I guess the best way to put it is women get that warm fuzzy love feeling. They want to be WITH him all the time, they THINK about him all the time. Men just sit back and say " DAMN IM LUCKY!!!!" Basicly, women think about it, men dont see it coming. Hmm, a little confusing to me...how can a woman fall for how a man feels about her, if he doesn't realize how he feels about her until it sneaks up on him? Link to post Share on other sites
bonehead Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Its hard to explain, but from a guy trust me. Women seem to see it well before the man. Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. Have to agree w/ ya on that one. Why my WH cheated: B/c of the way SHE made him feel about himself. She paid attention to him, blah, blah, blah! Well, if he would of treated ME better I would of paid attention to him too. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm afraid I'm a little cynical right now so you might not like what I'm about to say. When a man is really in love, even if he happens to fall in love with another woman while he's in a commited relationship, he will do anything it takes to be with that woman. Even if it means walking away from his commited relationship. I think what you said is very true and I agree with all of it -- especially the above. When I was a BS, my H did fall in love with his MW and walked away from his family, me and our two young children. It must be working well for them because they are married. Now I'm the OW (NC at the moment) but MM does not profess his love to me and his words to me "I'm ....not willing or ready to leave my family". I knew this going in and I accepted it. I, however left my marriage but the possbility of going back could happen when my lease is up this summer. But why do men and women cheat? Every situation is different. The reason why MM and I did it is because both of us were lacking the physical needs in our relationships. There was a strong attraction one another we could no longer deny. We also have the same personalities, like the same hobbies and we just clicked. He approached me one evening to go out for drinks. We did and had a wonderful time. Nothing happened that time. But next time went to a convention center checking out all the cool summer stuff and spent a good while discussing it before anything happened, which it did happen after our day out at the convention center. But for me, it turned to both physical and emotional -- fell in love with him. The chemistry and compatibility we shared was nothing like I experienced with any man other than my first husband. MM felt the same. But now we are pretty much over. It is now in his court to contact me for night out. But I just not be available. Working hard on meeting some nice SG that gets to be all mine. If I don't, then time to work on my marriage and putting this part of my life in a history books filed in the archives somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. For the most part, I guess the best way to put it is women get that warm fuzzy love feeling. They want to be WITH him all the time, they THINK about him all the time. Men just sit back and say " DAMN IM LUCKY!!!!" How does that bit work, then..? Women can't have feelings for someone, but only react to how the man feels..? Not sure what you're saying there... I think we can only really generalise on these things anyway. I'm not sure what 'love' means exactly, because even on this thread there are many interpretations. For example, there is loving someone (the feeling), and then there's doing something that demonstrates that love (the actions). We can act in a loving way to people we're not 'in love' with. And we can love someone very much and not be with them at all. It is also entirely possible to be in love with two people at once... Also, I'm never really sure about the suggestion that romantic love should come before Everything. IF you have made one person a promise to always be there for them, but fall in love with someone else... what are you going to do? Break your promise for love..? Not everyone would do that. Not everyone feels the need to act on love so compulsively. But I would agree with the point that 'loving' an OW and not leaving is not behaving in a loving way towards them. That doesn't mean that a man doesn't love the OW emotionally (in the way of feeling love for her). But what use is that kind of love if the actions don't follow..? Hmm I don't think I've answered the question about why people have affairs, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I hope that this does not sound stupid... But they say that Men cheat for the sex, and women cheat for an emotional need. So how many people belive that to be the truth? I think people cheat in order to get some need or other met. Sometimes it's sex, sometimes it's conversation, or a feeling of being needed or appreciated. Sometimes it's for revenge or because of negative feelings towards one's partner. Sometimes it's about needing attention from many different people because of something lacking in oneself. I don't think it matters which sex one is, although it's probably fair enough to say that most men will be cheating primarily because of a lack of sex at home. And most women will probably be cheating because of a lack of romance/attention from their spouse. But does anyone really have an affair to get ONE need met..? I suppose some of the 'FWB' arrangements are of that kind. But mostly, I think people get more than one need met by their affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 If I were to cheat, it would be for emotional needs, not sex. You can always hire an escort if you need sex so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
saintfrancis Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Women fall for how a man feels about her, men fall for a woman based on how she makes him feel about himself. For the most part, I guess the best way to put it is women get that warm fuzzy love feeling. They want to be WITH him all the time, they THINK about him all the time. Men just sit back and say " DAMN IM LUCKY!!!!" Wow! bonehead, you just made a light go off in my head.... I wrote another thread about my not being with ex-MM anymore because I didn't kiss his ass enough (of course the situation was more complicated than that, but I firmly beleive that is a big part of why we're over). What you said above just cements that in my mind. Thank you!! ETA: In the beginning of our relationship when things were good and before he started lying to me, I hate to say it but I treated him like gold. After the lies started coming out, I still loved him, but no longer treated him like he was the king of the earth... I treated him like, well, a man. I never treated him badly, but I no longer worshipped the ground he walked on. That's when it started going downhill. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Everyone's different, I guess, whatever their sex. As far as my exMM is concerned, I believe he cheated more for the emotional needs than the sex. For the laughs and conversation that he says he wasn't getting from his W. Not only did he feel he wasn't getting any affection at home (and I don't mean sexual affection) but I think he felt he was missing out on something for settling down so young, particularly as his W wasn't a very sociable or independent person. As far as women are concerned, I can only speak for myself. I cheated whilst I was in an LTR and although we didn't have a satisfactory sex life, I don't think it was the act of sex I was cheating for, more for the affection and emotion you get from that close connection with someone. I didn't feel I was getting any affection at home and so attention from another man gave me an ego boost. No excuse of course! Link to post Share on other sites
jag13 Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 You know I am being devils advocate here but I wonder sometimes if we don't give men the bum rap. I am not making excuses but saying that men don't want an emotional connection is wrong. I am not talking about the serial cheater here. I am talking about the point in a marriage/relationship where you are wrapped up in your own lives and you stop taking care of the relationship. That is the time when I think either a man or a woman is capable of beginning an affair if the opportunity arises. Maybe an emotional connectin is more important for women but since men take on more nurturing qualities as they age why wouldn't they want more emotion too Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted February 17, 2007 Share Posted February 17, 2007 I totally agree. Love isn't just something you feel, it's something you do. Loving someone means you behave in a loving way toward them, and it requires loving actions toward that person. Loving someone requires respecting them. Betraying a spouse and betraying an other woman (and yes, having a secret affair without ever leaving the wife is a betrayal of the other woman's love) are not loving, respectful actions. Not loving AT ALL. Ditto! I agree here as well. Love is actions, not words. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts