I'm new and hope to be welcomed....

[HappyHappy]

I’ve been reading posts on this site for awhile and just couldn’t decide where to “jump in”, so I thought it was time to just start my own thread. I know Im going to say some things that have been said before and I really hope to not get beat up because of it. Im just going to be honest, and hope that this is a place I can come to as needed. SO, here are the highlights in as much of a nutshell as I can put them...

 

I feel compelled to give a quick background about myself because some of the posts I’ve read here make the OW sound like we are just these horrible leeches running around looking for men who are married. NOT the case. About me: well educated college grad, from a fairly well to do family…parents married to each other for over 30 years until one died…I’ve had a successful career, own a beautiful home…people have always described me as very beautiful, I have some wonderful friends who love me and I love them back. Im smart, funny and enjoy life…I’ve made mistakes, but try to maintain the wisdom I’ve learned from those mistakes and try not to repeat them. With that said….here we go….

 

We met three years ago. At the time, I was engaged and in a toxic relationship and MM was/is in an 18 year marriage where they really just grew apart. They got married just after college, have two teens (one headed off to college this summer), have nothing in common, never did it seems and stopped having sex about 5 years ago. They NEVER do anything together. Seems pretty sad for both of them. We developed a great friendship over the first 9-10 months of knowing each other. We discussed both of our relationships and offered help and suggestions to each other. Over time….yeah here it comes…”it just happened”. Through my friendship phase with MM, I realized that I wanted, needed a different kind of man in my life and I broke up with my fiancé. That was something I should have done long ago and I have no regrets about it whatsoever. Almost simultaneously it just happened with MM. We fell madly in love. At first, I actually felt sick over the situation with MM. This was the first time I’d ever been in a situation with a MM. As time went on, I didn’t feel sick about it.

 

He travels for work all of the time. I travel with him most of the time (Im a partner in a firm and can do most of my work from anywhere). We vacation together, we spend an average of 4-5 days a week together (on travel or at my home) and still have love and passion for each other. We talk on the phone and text each other everyday many times a day. He’s met, and spent a lot of time with my family, friends etc. I’ve met his friends. We are very open about our relationship in our world we share together. (Of course I’ve never met the wife or kids). We really have this wonderful relationship and just adore each other.

 

He started saying he was going to leave W a couple of months into our relationship. I didn’t encourage that and it didn’t happen. But from the start, I did tell him that despite my feelings for him…and especially given his circumstances, I would date without hesitation when and if I found someone I had interest in. It took about a year and a half before I found someone I was a bit interested in….I was very open and honest with MM about this (and with the other guy as well). Well, no sooner than I started to get going with new guy, MM said it impacted him so deeply…and he just could not lose me. I told him I felt the same way, but despite having the near perfect relationship we have, I didn’t think it was a long term life/situation for me to stay involved with a MM. This is when he started to put things in motion to leave (sept 2006). He and W have been having conversations…bit by bit about the split and trying to work out an amicable plan. She doesn’t want to divorce, but doesn’t want to engage in their relationship either. He doesn’t want to fight and argue about things and wants to give her half of everything and the home.

 

This month he did the most wonderful and romantic proposal and asked me to marry him…along with a ring that made my jaw drop. And he just found a house to rent and will be in it in February. It will take a year for the divorce IF everything goes smoothly.

 

So….now what? Honestly we haven’t had any drama…the most drama we had was my break up with my ex-fiance who just acted like an idiot (the ex-fiance knew we didn’t belong together and knew the break up was inevitable, but didn’t want to let go). Everything else in this relationship with MM who is now my fiancé has been more than and better than I ever imagined a relationship could be (other than the obvious problem/issue of him being married).

 

So we are moving forward with our plans and life together. What can I expect as he’s moving out, getting divorced etc? What can I do to help him through it if anything? He and I have gotten through other life issues with class, dignity and caring support….(things like, deaths of elderly relatives and the recent shocking death of a dear friend of mine who was early 40’s). We have been by each others side for everything. I love this man with all of my heart and have deep respect and adoration for him.

 

Any thoughts, suggestions, and advice from those who have been in this place are welcomed. Thank you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He may not have been content in his marriage, but he was likely in the 'comfort zone' after so many years. Understand that he will need time to mourn the loss of his marriage, the loss of his W as the person who knows him best, the loss of life as he knew it, the loss of his social standing, the loss of being a full time parent, and so on. Don't be surprised if you get some 'back and forth' for a while. Letting go of a marriage, even one that has flatlined isn't an easy thing to do. There is more to let go of than just the person you married. You have to walk away from an entire lifestyle.

 

Be cautious and careful with your heart right now. He's going to be having a difficult time emotionally. You never know what will happen. He may very well end up going back to his W - you wouldn't be the first OW I've read about who was proposed to properly - including the ring, had a future planned out with MM and then was unceremoniously dumped not long thereafter when he went running back to the wife.

 

There are a couple of OW on a different board that happened to. Same story, they fell in love, MM said he was going to divorce, he proposed with a huge rocked ring, bought a house for them to live in together, planned a future and at the last minute backed out and went back to the W, to "work things out".

 

I'm not saying that will happen but in situations like this you can never really know. Just be careful. Give him lots of time and space right now to figure things out. When he brings you those signed divorce papers with the ink dried, then you can begin to plan your life with him. Until that happens, I'd proceed with extreme caution.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Welcome to the board!

 

...what LB said......but it's nice to read your story. You sound very loved up.

 

I'm in sort of the same sitch (but with a bit more drama unfortunately although that's subsiding). My MM is separated and heading toward D. But I'm really careful not to plan too far ahead. As LB says, you never know what's going to happen in the future. Its a very big deal leaving such a long marriage. However, I take one day at a time. Every day that we're still smiling together and supporting each other is another day that my future with him seems within reach.

 

I wish you well and I hope your MM fills your heart with happiness

[ratingsguy]

I'll second that. Speaking as an OM who's MW recently separated, I can only say to tread carefully. In my experience, even though she's long over the marriage, she informed me that she needs time to herself. It came as somewhat of a shock to me considering how close we were. Now she's on dating websites looking for other guys. I don't know if this is something she just needs to get out of her system after 22 years of marriage, but it's extremely painful in the meantime. I'm at the point where I will probably have to walk away from this for good and just try to learn something from the experience.

 

For me, it was like a light switch being shut off. There was nothing gradual about it. One day she just emotionally detached from me it seems.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Ratings Guy, I've read some of your posts - well done on the NC by the way. I think it's partly because of posts like yours that I tread so carefully. Walking off hand in hand into the sunset will never be an option for me (partly because it rains so much in the UK anyway lol). All I'm hoping for is that slowly and surely our lives will merge together.

 

I'm sorry about your MW. It must be so difficult for you, wondering whether this is a knee-jerk reaction of the end of her M or whether she wants to make a clean break from you and her M. I do hope, however it works out, it works out well for you.

 

Shoediva, it may be worthwhile doing a search a reading a few of Ratings Guy threads. Not to rain on your parade, just to keep your eyes open on the future.

[Salicious Crumb]

Of course MM who are looking for OW are going to tell you that they are not happy in their current marriage.

 

What are they going to say?..."I am completely happy in my marriage, but I still want to bed you down".

 

My question is, do you think that he won't be getting the 7 year itch with you too?

[whichwayisup]

He shouldn't be promising you the world...Making plans to marry you while he's still with his wife. That's just stupid! He has NO clue what is going to happen. For all you know, his wife could do a 180, as he could too, and the emotions involved of divorcing, talking about it, could bring up feelings that have been buried for years...They could re-connect and then you're no longer in his life.

 

How much do you trust him? I mean, he's lied to his wife, so at some point he has and will lie to you.

 

Seems he is leaving his wife for you and that's not good. Check out ratingsguy's thread and see how you feel after reading his story.

 

Does she even know you're in the picture? I mean, you say his friends know about you, but does she?

[Kathleen]

Shoediva - Welcome Aboard! (sounds Familiar) Anyway,

It Can Work Out With Your Mm. It Did With Mine & Many Others Here. All Depends On What You Are Willing To Accept And Not Accept & How Long.

So Welcome Aboard & I Hope You Find The Support You're Looking For Here On Ls.

[HappyHappy]

WOW...First, thank you all so much for your kind words, and reality checks as well (so glad I didnt get torn to bits here). LB...this is great advice and I have given a lot of thought to the "back and forth" which could happen. MM and I have discussed it many times. Of course he doesnt think that will happen, but you are all so right that I need to be careful, protect my heart as much as I can and just be supportive. And I do really need to move with caution. Honestly, I didnt want the ring and proposal until he was "out", but it didnt go that way, and I think it would be stupid for me to start planning some wedding at this point. Thank you again for your kind and wise thoughts.

[HappyHappy]

He shouldn't be promising you the world...Making plans to marry you while he's still with his wife. That's just stupid! He has NO clue what is going to happen. For all you know, his wife could do a 180, as he could too, and the emotions involved of divorcing, talking about it, could bring up feelings that have been buried for years...They could re-connect and then you're no longer in his life.

 

I know, I know all of this is possible, although I dont think probable. I really dont believe there is any reconnecting for them.

 

How much do you trust him? I mean, he's lied to his wife, so at some point he has and will lie to you.

 

I know you've heard this before, but yes I do trust him, and no I dont think he will do the same to me. I think each relationship is different, built on different things and I dont believe you are the same in every relationship. I know I havent been, and I know others as well. I think it depends on the people involved. When you are well matched, very compatable and have a good foundation and respect for each other...thats a great building block.

 

Seems he is leaving his wife for you and that's not good. Check out ratingsguy's thread and see how you feel after reading his story.

 

I agree and disagree with this statement because I do know of others who were just like my MM...been in the marriage for a long time, and had decided to just exist because of the history, lifestyle etc. Then someone came along that sparks this dirve for a happy loving fulfilling future and they decide to divorce and start a new life. I know of 3 other people who were in these situations and had resolved to just stay in the M....and then they did come across that special someone. These people were not serial affair haver's (in fact in all three cases it was the first time for both) and were not looking and it did "just happen" and they all divorced and married the OW. If these people were truely happy and satisfied with their lives and M's, the A's that turned into marriages wouldnt have ever happened.

 

Does she even know you're in the picture? I mean, you say his friends know about you, but does she?

 

To my knowledge, she doesnt know about me specifically. We believe that she thinks there is "someone". She has made comments to that effect. Her approach (and Im not judging this, just stating it) is the head in the sand approach...as long as the lifestyle doesnt change, and she doesnt have to deal with socializing with him and being intimate with him, she's content...she has said as much. But he doesnt want to continue living like this. Yes his friends and colleagues know of me...but this was part of my point in my first post...they are so NOT involved in each others lives. Seems its only about the kids. I've met more people in his company than she has..this was her choice. She is just not social. In the few attempts early in the marriage of socializing (its important in his business), she would go, but sort of kicking and screaming and then she was miserable while there. In her words "Im just not a social person and dont want to do it". He has discussed with her how important this (and other things) is to him, but she just says she's not that person.

[sb129]

Welcome...

At least your MM sounds proactive.

 

Just keep your eyes open, and be prepared for some constructive criticism on LS.

[sb129]

AND don't forget that everything he tells you about her is only his version of events.

 

Guess that comes under keep your eyes open heading.

 

I have been an OW. It wasn't that great, but it was a good learning curve and made me a stronger person.

 

Goodluck.

[serial muse]

AND don't forget that everything he tells you about her is only his version of events.

 

Guess that comes under keep your eyes open heading.

 

True. I think ratingsguy's experience falls under that heading - now that his MW is distancing herself from him, he's beginning to sympathize more with her soon-to-be exH. Although I know every person's experience is different, I think his is still a kind of cautionary tale - once you're further removed from a relationship (voluntarily or involuntarily), you become less invested in simply believing what someone tells you because you want to believe, and better able to judge how much they've "tweaked" the facts to make their story more appealing.

[sb129]

- once you're further removed from a relationship (voluntarily or involuntarily), you become less invested in simply believing what someone tells you because you want to believe, and better able to judge how much they've "tweaked" the facts to make their story more appealing.

 

Oh serial muse- I couldn't put that better if I tried. I think I might make that my new motto..

 

I SHOULD have made it my motto last year.. but I got there/

[puddleofmud]

Welcome to the forum and best wishes to you!

The only advice I would give would be for you to stay solvent: keep your finances independent, do NOT co-join any accounts, leases, mortgages, credit, etc. until WELL after your marriage!

During the divorce proceedings you may wish to INSIST that you be allowed to read all documents and be aware of the financial details of the divorce settlement--as that will affect your future and you may not wish to have disagreements re: $$$ down the road as monetary issues are one of the major downfalls of marriage and co-habitation.

I do not wish to imply that MONEY is what love is about--but do be cautionary as to your own personal security.

[pricillia]

Shoe Diva...

 

 

Run as quick as you can from this man... he is married, it will only cause heartache and pain...

 

Don't try to rationalize it at all... I welcome you to the board, but it is too bad that this is the reason you have joined

[NoIDidn't]

ShoeDiva

 

Welcome aboard. I don't consider myself a BS, but the OW here mostly do.

 

Your story saddens me, only because of the added tension of being "engaged" to a MM. I had the opportunity to see my mother in that situation. He was supposedly D'd from his W, but he lied. A sibling was born from that brief union. It was a great courtship, until his W called and he left and went back home.

 

And he gave her a rock too.

 

So keep your eyes and ears open. And don't worry about planning a wedding until the ink is dry, KWIM?

[HappyHappy]

Shoe Diva...

 

 

Run as quick as you can from this man... he is married, it will only cause heartache and pain...

 

Don't try to rationalize it at all... I welcome you to the board, but it is too bad that this is the reason you have joined

 

 

>>>>pricillia: why would you say to run quick from this man?

[ratingsguy]

>>>>pricillia: why would you say to run quick from this man?

 

I think WWIU summed it up best:

 

He shouldn't be promising you the world...Making plans to marry you while he's still with his wife. That's just stupid! He has NO clue what is going to happen. For all you know, his wife could do a 180, as he could too, and the emotions involved of divorcing, talking about it, could bring up feelings that have been buried for years...They could re-connect and then you're no longer in his life.

 

One thing about my xMW that I will commend her on is being up front about everything. Unlike your situation, no promises were made to me. When we've spoken about the future, she's told me she needs time. Doesn't know how much, and doesn't know what the outcome will be, despite that she cares very deeply for me. And I think because she cares deeply about me she's not going to give me false hope. In other words, she's saying, here's where I am in life... let's both do what we need to do and see what happens.

[hardknocks]

being engaged to a MM doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

 

i worry mostly that they haven't broken their emmotional bond yet. can your MM go NC with his stb Ex? If your MM is spending some amount of time with his stb EW? I would worry that they haven't emmotionally seperated from each other. And now, even if he does divorce and marries you it will just continue to be the same situation - except the EW will be playing the role of the OW.

 

Possible?