StuckinaRut Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Hello. I'm a stupid OW who is stuck in a situation. I no longer live in the city that MM and I lived in. I continue to talk to him everyday and it just hurts. He came to visit me this past weekend and it was so hard. We fought both nights yet I can't let him go. How do I just stop...i feel like I will miss him...i feel like I need him yet our conversations suck. I'm almost always sad. I caught him in 2 lies this weekend (about calling his wife) and we fought and he completely denied calling her. Amazing how he is a liar and i can't let him go. I don't want to be with him in the future. Yet he apologizes and I say okay fine. WHAT THE F**** DO i DO??????????? I'm 26 years old with a great job and have plenty of people wanting to date me yet I torture myself every night...wondering what he's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Hey Stuck.... Yep it will hurt, yep you will miss him, although it almost sounds like my ex-situation....sad all of the time, hated it, yet didn't want to let go...it's like a drug.... Try if you can to go through the withdrawl....(((((((((hugs)))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 You have to figure out why you want this for yourself. Why you want a man who is unavailable to be a complete partner in the first place. He isn't the only one who made a choice here. You did too. For some reason, which you need to discover, you chose him. You know he's no good for you. You know you deserve better. Yet you keep suffering while being involved with him. Time for a little self-discovery darling. What does he do for you that is so great? Why are you willing to accept less than you deserve? Why is it okay for him to lie to you? How come you are so quick to forgive him? Does he bring you peace of mind? Is being with him easy on you or is it chaotic? Does he treat you like the treasure that you are? You will need to stop thinking of him so much and put yourself first for a change in order to get to the bottom of why you're with a man like him. Link to post Share on other sites
cbl Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 that you need to figure out what it is that you want and what it is that you get from dating him. i don't know about you but sometimes after i put myself through a lot of drama, i have come to realize "am i too bored with my life or what?" but this is no excuse to put yourself, him and his family into hurt and pains. try to arrange dates with other single guys. i did that for myself after i said good bye to my xMM. when he tried to contact me and i felt weak, i come back to this board and re-read my own posts and other's story. i then gained strenth to remain NC with him. i know it's hard in the beginning - but i also know you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Ouch! Don't be too down on yourself, you're not a "Stupid" OW, we're all in the same situation and I reckon many (not all, but many) of us on this board are intelligent, emotional, lovely beings. When you say you caught him in two lies...that's a hard one to answer. Did he need to call his W? Has he previously been encouraged to do so? Is there a reason why you felt so bad about him calling his W? My MM used to feel pretty weird about calling home when he was with me, but sometimes he had to. I accepted that as part of the relationship. You don't say how often you see MM or how deep your feelings are/history with him etc. You say there a lots of people out there that would be willing to date you. Dont worry, I used to know how you feel - go out, get attention, get home and no phone call and then wonder why you're waiting around for one guy when you could have had anyone earlier on. Affairs of the heart, unfortunately, just aren't that easy. You beleive he's a liar, but you can't let him go. But you believe wrong. You CAN let him go. If you aren't happy with your relationship you're the one who calls time on it. You can do it. "I feel I need him yet our conversations suck". Believe me, I have questioned myself about my MM. But I have always felt that if I felt wronged/second best/no future I would get out. Amazingly, my MM separated and is now heading towards D. I'm happy. But if I had got to a point with him where communication was not working I would have seriously thought of getting out. Good luck chick x Link to post Share on other sites
puddleofmud Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I'm 26 years old with a great job and have plenty of people wanting to date me yet I torture myself every night...wondering what he's doing. Of course you can date any one you want! No matter what age we all do. But that's not the point. You are not getting what you want from THIS guy, married or not! Leaving "this one" doesn't depend on "that one" or "another one", does it? If it does then that may be how it's always going to be--you needing someone else to "get you out" of your scary situations. One cannot always find someone else to rescue us--and is it fair to place our needs to be "rescued" on another--someone innocent, such as yourself who may be just looking for a an HONEST connection? Should one continue this pattern one may finally hit "rock bottom" where there is no one to pick up the pieces. Or where one becomes bitter, exhausted and "aged" (this happens to many no matter the chronological age) from constantly picking up the pieces of another. You are by no means stupid nor "stuck" unless you so choose... Link to post Share on other sites
hardknocks Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I was an OM. Don't call yourself stupid. I wouldn't have believed it would ever happen to me and it did. I'm sure a lot of people feel the same way. It's hard to explain how hard it is when you fall in love - and especially if the Married person is telling you lies or leading you on in any way. And I believe telling somebody you love them is leading them on - because deep down we all know what love means.. it's a promise to be together and when you're not, that's a broken promise. I tell my tale of wo often and to any OM/OW that will listen to a guy that has gone through it for years and finally got out. Your feelings toward each other are irrelevant until the situation changes (Divorce). I know it's so hard to believe. It took me soo long to get to the point where I could walk away .. I loved her so dearly.. but I finally did and it was the best thing ... If it is love.. then the OM/OW will leave their partner.. until then.. you must go NC.. I know it's hard.. you must try and hopefully in your heart you will know you are doing the RIGHT thing for you, the MM and his W - all of you - who are hurting inside.. by making him make a decision.. and if he doesn't.. then you're one day closer to being over him. I posted this on a nother thread too.. but it's worth mentioning again.. the statistics say that if they don't leave within the first 3 mo of the A - chances are they aint leavin' for ya. tough to know.. but true. good luck and god bless. Link to post Share on other sites
freakygal78 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I'm 26 years old with a great job and have plenty of people wanting to date me yet I torture myself every night...wondering what he's doing. You just answered your own question. Be that confident 26yo woman with a great career and meet some of those young hotties - let them take you out for coffee and have a bit of a distraction even - don't feel like you have to marry them or anything - but get out there! Try something different - it's hard and I even was at the stage of TELLING dates 'sorry, but I'm hung up on a MM' but you really don't need this torture in your life. I just turned 29 albeit not much older than yourself but it's only now I realise time does not stand still and how much time do you really want to devote to this man you can only see on his terms and in stolen moments no less fight with when you do? You're most likely a gorgeous, independent gal and you sound like you deserve a better situation than this ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
Romeo Must Die Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Well maybe you need a new puppy to forget the old one? Put good vibes out there. Dont hide away, advertise. Theres a new kid in town. Join a dating site. Wear your skirts a little shorter. Smile at people. Say hello to people. Say "I like your tie" (or jacket/cologne/iPod/car/bicycle/scary red mohawk) to a cute guy passing by. You can engage him asking where he bought it. Compliment his style. And so on... and so on, until he is wrapped around your little finger. Also you chould invite him for coffee sometime (before you have sex with him) and have him write down his phone number for you. He'll be praying for you to call him. Link to post Share on other sites
Seen_It_All Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 I caught him in 2 lies this weekend (about calling his wife) and we fought and he completely denied calling her.. The guy's a proven liar and cheater. Surely you can't be surprised that he lied to YOU as well? I don't want to be with him in the future. Well that's good, because he's not leaving his wife for you. The selfish loser is simply looking to add some SPICE to his life - not change it. Besides, surely you KNOW you'd be getting spoiled goods at BEST, don't you? I'm 26 years old with a great job and have plenty of people wanting to date me yet I torture myself every night... What a crying shame that someone as young as you is wasting her life on a cheating, lying, LOSER. But then again, no one ever accused women in their twenties of knowing it all, did they? Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 21, 2007 Share Posted January 21, 2007 Hello. I'm a stupid OW who is stuck in a situation. I no longer live in the city that MM and I lived in. I continue to talk to him everyday and it just hurts. He came to visit me this past weekend and it was so hard. We fought both nights yet I can't let him go. How do I just stop...i feel like I will miss him...i feel like I need him yet our conversations suck. I'm almost always sad. I caught him in 2 lies this weekend (about calling his wife) and we fought and he completely denied calling her. Amazing how he is a liar and i can't let him go. I don't want to be with him in the future. Yet he apologizes and I say okay fine. WHAT THE F**** DO i DO??????????? I'm 26 years old with a great job and have plenty of people wanting to date me yet I torture myself every night...wondering what he's doing. Hi, I know you are hurting right now. Believe me I know what it feel's like. Your 26 and non committed, well then I say move on, NO you NEED to!! Really, you are just setting yourself up for a BIG heartbreak. Perhap's you need to look in the right places for men who are not married? A married man WILL never leave, Does not matter how cute and sexy you are, they want comfort, stability and history, listen to me if you will I know this. I wish you the best. stay Strong. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
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