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Crush on the married boss gone wrong...how do I deal with this??


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Old 12th January 2007, 9:49 PM   #1
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Unhappy Crush on the married boss gone wrong...how do I deal with this??

I will try to be short but I probably won't do a very good job. So please bear with me.

I developed a crush on my married boss when I started working at this company over a year ago. He was just the first person to be nice to me in a long time. I have (invisible) chronic illness and almost nobody apart from my closest family knows about it. I look 100% healthy. Anyway, I had to tell my boss as I needed to work reduced hours. Before, when searching for work there was NO way anyone was interested in hiring me because of this. This is just a little background on why I can't leave my current job. The boss was more than symphathetic and got me through, I started work and all was well.

He is twice my age by the way. From the start he payed me lots of attention. At first I thought that that's because he feels sorry for me, but I have been with plenty of men before to know when someone is flirting with me. Just the classic signals, looking me up and down, constant eye contact during meetings, touching me, taking me to lunches, acting jelous and possesive when he would see me talking to other men. Now, I could have imagined all this, but random members of staff were coming up to me to tell me that he has such a crush on me. It was that obvious.

I must admit I fully reciprocated in the flirting and my attraction to him grew. This went on for many months. He never made a concrete move (and our company has strict rules of NO relationships in the office, especially not between bosses and employes, people get fired for this on the spot). I never did anything either, but there was this unspoken thing between us. We talked about cheating, and he told me that he never cheated on his wife in the past but the future is wide open then gave me this *meaningful look*.

Slowly though, he seemed to lose interest in me. He started acting distant and weird. No more lunches, no more personal talk, just purely business. Acting distant was pretty extreme, almost rude to the point where it felt forced (like I should act distant now, this is what I'm doing). By that time I have pretty much fallen for him. When we have to sit close together for work, I can still feel a great deal of sexual tension, it's just that he seems to have made a concious decision not to pursue it. I can't say that I blame him as he would have a lot to lose (namely work status, he has been promoted recently) but it still really hurts.

Now to my problem. This situation has really been bothering me. In my life, if someone acts distant and ignores me, I tend to act doubly distant and ignore them back. However if I did this here, I would get no work done and I still depend a lot on him workwise. Leaving is not an option, at least untill I get few more years of experience here. I just don't know how to get a handle on my feelings. I spend 90% of the time thinking of him and barely can concetrate on work. I'm also somewhat angry at him for leading me on for some sort of middle aged ego boost.

Any advice on how to keep on working there and how to act around him and more importanly how to get over my feelings for him would be much appreciated.
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Old 12th January 2007, 9:52 PM   #2
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Obviously someone (a higher up maybe) talked to him or he figured out as your boss (and married too) he was crossing the personal and professional lines.

You have two choices. Suck it up and be professional with him, no small talk, respect him AS YOUR BOSS, forget what happened in recent past, or quit.

You are partially responsible for the situation too, yes, he SHOULD have known better, but you should have as well.

Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
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Old 12th January 2007, 9:57 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadandConfusedWA View Post
We talked about cheating, and he told me that he never cheated on his wife in the past but the future is wide open then gave me this *meaningful look*.
What a jerk. You're the prize. Screw him. I mean, don't screw him. You know what I mean.
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Old 13th January 2007, 12:44 AM   #4
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Get Angry

I don't think anyone talked to him at all. I think he lied to you about never having cheated on his W as he sounds like he as his act down pat.

1. First butter her up and pull her in.
2. Look for the signs of interest on her part.
3. Push the boundaries back just a little (talking about things he shouldn't like cheating his W)
4. Completely back off, making her wonder what happened
Which accomplishes
5. Make her chase me.

He did it all. I think he has done this before. You should back off, but stay way back. That will make him try his ploy again and you will get angry and be able to focus on your work.

HTH
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Old 13th January 2007, 2:08 AM   #5
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I know where your coming from concerning visible signs of any illness....I too look 100% healthy, but feel like crap all of the time due to physical issues....I get mad a lot about this and feel trapped at times.

Yours is much easier than most situations....at least he is not chasing you and he hasn't tried to get you fired, which shows some integrity on his part.

Your a strong person, your illness and maintaining a job shows that....put him out of your mind in the romantic sense and think about you for a chnage....((((((hugs)))))))
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Old 13th January 2007, 2:19 AM   #6
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Yours is much easier than most situations....at least he is not chasing you and he hasn't tried to get you fired, which shows some integrity on his part.
Integrity is a strong word. Not sure he's deserving. Let's just call it "possible remorse."
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Old 13th January 2007, 2:34 AM   #7
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Integrity is a strong word. Not sure he's deserving. Let's just call it "possible remorse."

I know, I thought about using different terminology....lol
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Old 13th January 2007, 4:03 AM   #8
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I know where your coming from concerning visible signs of any illness....I too look 100% healthy, but feel like crap all of the time due to physical issues....I get mad a lot about this and feel trapped at times.
Yes it's the worst. I constantly feel trapped in my body but have to act like I'm fine to try and hold down a job and have some sort of social life. Life is hard enough as it is without having to endure feeling ill all the time. I get really frustrated and cry over this so much. Plus hiding my illness from people, I feel like I'm leading a double life sometimes.

To be 100% honest, at the moment my main worry is that the boss will get me fired. He hasn't done so yet, but if he has truly lost interest in me plus the constant gossip, not to mention a friend of his W starting work there recently, I'm really afraid that he will try to find a way to get rid of me. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
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Old 13th January 2007, 8:25 AM   #9
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Well, for whatever reason, he's backed off. Attack of remorse? Tactics? The appearance of his wife's friend at work (that would do it!).

What you need to do is start focusing on you, and feeling good about yourself without his attention. If you read these boards you will see many situations exactly like yours: woman got involved with a man at work and it's all gone pear-shaped. Lucky for you this hasn't gone any further than 'meaningful' conversations and looks and so on. You can start getting out of this right now without all the mess that most people have to suffer (NC, memories, promises, 2 years of an affair... etc.... read some threads and weep)

Even so of course it's hard. But think of it as a wake-up call to get your life on track in a more positive way. I too suffer from a chronic illness and it's no picnic, so I do understand some of what you're feeling. What about friends, what do you enjoy out of work..? What can you start focusing on..? New hobbies and pastimes and goals for achievement that won't include him..?

Last edited by frannie; 13th January 2007 at 8:25 AM.. Reason: sense
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