What happens AFTER MM leaves his W?

[Guest]

I walked a mile in the shoes of most of the posters on this site. Total heartache, struggle with NC with my MM. But eventually he did get his D. But now what?

 

It has been almost a year. We are still together and honestly doing very well in many avenues. However, how does one move past the ugliness and guilt behind how a MM and the OW got together?

 

His kids HATE me. His XW stalks me, calls me at work, spreads as many rumors as possible in this small-town community (ha! now I'm a stripper? her H left her for a woman more than 20 years younger? if the true story were only half that exciting and entertaining...)

 

Does anyone have stories to share about how they dealt with their MM's D and the aftermath?

[Kinger25]

I have never been in your situation but I have friends that have.

 

The problem is, is that it was the way in which MM left his wife that causes the disruption. Its a dangerous game, we all know that and especially when you live in a small community, you will always have the reputation for being the "slag" who tore a family apart. (I am not saying that is what you are, its just what others will be thinking) People will smile and be nice to your face and then will stab you in the back as soon as your head is turned. I've seen and heard it all before.

 

Most small comminities (like mine) thrive on gossip and your news will be old news soon, once something more interesting happens they will all be talking about someone else and you will be forgotten.

 

The only way I can REALLY see you becoming truly happy is to move to a different area. It doesn't need to be miles and miles away, maybe just to the next town, but it will give you the opportunity to develop new connections and make a fresh start.

 

You are going to have to deal with Ex W, at the end of the day, in her eyes you stole her H and she will resent you for that for a long time to come. If you Guy is truly in love with you he will take the rough with the smooth and will take steps to protect you from all of the gossip & hurt that the Ex W may instigate.

 

Think about moving on. Get away from the past and step into the present with your newly un-married man! You cant stay in the same place as the A took place or you will never build a new life up properly with him.

[Art_Critic]

Doesn't he want to marry you ???

[anatus]

I am partly in your situation. M guy choose me and left his wife. We moved (well he followed me 1500 miles) to another state. For me, it is a fresh start emotionally but it has been a struggle from hell. Trust issues will remain. Every situation is different and I am lucky that his ex is 1500 miles away. She was the one that ratted him out. Apparently she knew about me from his family. I did not know about her until MM's grandmother told me. It was the ultimate betrayal.

 

I decided to give it a chance, to see if it will work. With exW - they are not officially divorced yet but he's filed. I admit that I think she is a good woman that loved him dearly. I believe she is doing her best to raise their daughter by herself. I do eventually want to talk to her and make sure she is OK... even though I am the reason that he left her. I seek peace but I have to get over the guilt and forgive myself.

 

I do not see exW as a threat and I do not believe she will do mean things to me. It is not her nature. He loved her and stayed with her as long as he did because she is a good person. Your situation is different. She sounds mean, vicious, and slanderous. I would fight back with kindness. Just let her know that you are sorry but she cannot blame you for her loss. Rule is, you cannot lose something you never had (OUCH!).

 

People marry for many reasons... love, convenience, or even trapped into it. Who knows... but I am tired of the OW blamed for everything under the sun. It's as if this is what we've wanted our entire lives... to ruin a marriage and hurt other people. No, I don't think so.

 

It's tough but she is obviously hurting. Her desire to ruin you stems from anger. But she's going about it the wrong way. If you guys cannot move away from the situation then you have to face it head on. Would it be possible to meet - all three of you and talk about it? She will not move on as long as she has a target. Unfortunately you are her target.

 

It's somewhat understandable - how his kids feel about you. The OW is very hard for children to accept. But there's hope. It could come with time. Always treat them with kindness no matter what they say. I'm not saying put up with the abuse but your man needs to step in and facilitate this process. Understand from the start that you will never replace their mother nor are you trying to. Let them know that you love their father and you want their friendship too.

 

Everything you are going through is hard. Some days it's like a walk in the clouds and other days it feels like you are in quick sand. I have spoken to others in your situation (messy ex issues) and some have said with time every wound heals and some have said the only way to truly move on from the situation is to move on solo.

 

I do hope that your situation works out for you either way.

[whichwayisup]

I walked a mile in the shoes of most of the posters on this site. Total heartache, struggle with NC with my MM. But eventually he did get his D. But now what?

 

It has been almost a year. We are still together and honestly doing very well in many avenues. However, how does one move past the ugliness and guilt behind how a MM and the OW got together?

 

His kids HATE me. His XW stalks me, calls me at work, spreads as many rumors as possible in this small-town community (ha! now I'm a stripper? her H left her for a woman more than 20 years younger? if the true story were only half that exciting and entertaining...)

 

Does anyone have stories to share about how they dealt with their MM's D and the aftermath?

 

This is the test of your relationship. Can you all work together and that includes his ex and their children. Maybe some therapy, marriage counselling etc could help. Are you two strong enough as a couple to work through it all and be the better people, rise above it and just show love to the kids? Rationally work things out with his ex? She IS going to be in your lives forever so somehow peace must be made.

 

I think too, there will always be trust issues between you and him just because of how you two got together. Cheating spouses, he cheated on his wife, so really what is stopping him from cheating on you later in the future...IF I were in your shoes that would be on my mind.

[RecordProducer]

I recently talked to a woman in a store, who must be in her mid 50s. She said her husband was much older and his children never accepted her. I asked why and she said "I am not their mother, I guess." Now please, these "children" are almost 50, she said. And they never accepted her. I am sure she's been married to him for a long time.

 

However if you want his kids to accept you, you'll have to show them that you're good to him, that you're a perfect partner for their father. Even then they might see you as someone who hurt their mom.

 

Most of all, YOU need to get rid of the issues related to the affair. You are not the bad guy anymore and he is not a cheater anymore. You need to stop beating yourself up about how horrible you are and what you did and stop doubting his fidelity. Without trust and self-respect, your relationship will be doomed.

 

It's a good idea to move to another town and start from a scratch, but without a clean basis to build your relationship on, your love will always be dirty and it will follow you around.

 

The two of you need to sit down and decide that from now on you will not feel like betrayers and homewreckers, that you are releasing the gilt and pain, and you will act accordingly. That means that next time when somebody attacks you, you will not feel like you deserve that crap. You will stand up and fight back. You will tell everyone that they have no right to interfere or accuse you of anything. And you will mean it and stand behind it and next to each other.

 

Your guilty consciousness is your weakness and a good target. The ex-wife thinks she has a right to attack you because you're guilty as charged. No, you are not and she has no right to harass you. Next time, treat her as you would treat any stranger who tortures you - tell her to back off or SHE will eat the soup that she cooks for YOU!

 

There is no such thing as killing with kindness. Nobody backs off before kindness. She is not buying your kindness. She knows you're pretending, she knows she is hurting you, and she is enjoying it. By being kind you allow her to get away with what she is doing. She won't feel bad for harassing you cuz you're kiond; in her mind you're evil and it will stay that way no matter what. There is nothign you can do to prove it to her that you're not evil. All you can do is fight for yourself and show her that you have no intention whatsoever to let her treat you that way.

 

She is attacking you because she feels that you're weak and she feels strong. She is also weak because she suffers, but look around and you'll see that people don't attack the stong ones - they attack when they think they can win. Show her that you're strong and not afraid of her.

 

And the children... if they see that you're not joking, they will respect you more and stop the crap. That's a good start for building a nice relationship with them. If you feel bad in front of them, they will take advantage of it and torture you. It's in their interest to be nice to you, because of their father. He should tell them that they MUST respect his friends, lovers, and everyone that he respects, just like he taught them to respect their teachers and neighbors.

 

If they don't want you in his life, it's their problem. But they can't ignore you or show you that you're not welcome in their lives.

[Guest]

Doesn't he want to marry you ???

 

Actually yes, but I am torn about whether it will hurt the kids more and make the situation that much more ugly for everyone.

 

Is there any good tactic to help heal the relationship with the kids? Or is the only answer time? My nature is to problem-solve - if there is anything out there that I should be doing, I want to do it.

 

And I do ignore the crazy XM...and it makes her insane. Which on one hand is kind of gratifying (embarassed to admit that). But it's the best that I can do to feel okay about what happened. I know she is hurting and I don't need to keep adding to that.

[NoIDidn't]

This is his deal. He needs to make things right with his kids and the XW. He needs to put on his big boy pants and apologize for thv way things went down. That and he needs to rebuilt the respect his kids used to have in him.

 

And you guys probably want to wait on marriage to make sure that this is truly what you want. Regardless of the circumstances around a D, most therapists recommend 2 years before a new partner is introduced to the kids.

 

But the kids will more than likely always hate you, especially if they know you had a hand in the heartache that their mother feels. So I don't see you needing to do anything beyond asking her to let bygones be bygones. The rest is his to do.

[RecordProducer]

I know she is hurting and I don't need to keep adding to that.

So you think it's best if you take her punches, because it's all YOUR fault, right?

[Art_Critic]

Actually yes, but I am torn about whether it will hurt the kids more and make the situation that much more ugly for everyone.

 

I think time, love and patience is the only answer to this kind of healing..

 

I also think that you should make the decision based on your and his happiness..

If he wants to get married then do it..

 

Waiting to see if the kids will finally accept you could mean you waiting the rest of your life.. time to start living life..

This is no different than a child rejecting any typical step parent.. maybe child counseling might be in order after the marriage

 

Roll with the punches and fix the issues as they arise.. maybe after a bit the ExW will stop poisoning the kids as well..She needs to learn that no matter how you came into the picture that you are there now..

[frannie]

But the kids will more than likely always hate you, especially if they know you had a hand in the heartache that their mother feels.

 

Well, if she insists on telling them day after day that their father is responsible for her heartache, some of that may become 'reality' for them. On the other hand, if SHE puts on 'her big pants' and quits using them to get at HIM... who knows... they may not end up resenting her for being a vindictive woman who couldn't let go of someone who no longer loved her and wanted to start a new life.

[Guest]

I believe she is doing her best to raise their daughter by herself.

 

This isn't a dig at MMs or OWs but at crappy parents in general. You just gotta love those parents that move so far away that the other parent is left raising their child alone. I can't fathom how a parent can opt to miss out on their children growing up )and taking a child to Disneyland once or twice a year does NOT make you an active parent!) It just completely blows my mind that someone could toss their own flesh and blood aside.

 

If he/she'd abandon his/her own kids out of self-interest, run like hell.

[puddleofmud]

I have been one and have had a partner who was step-parent to my children. Perhaps you may wish to sit down with your partner and make a "plan" as to how to deal w/ the children (doesn't matter if they are 10 years old or 50 years old).

It doesn't matter if they "like" you. Children often do not like their parents and vice versa! It's not your job to be liked--it's your job to command RESPECT.

Take all the things that have happened, talk about each of your parenting styles' then look at it objectively and become a united front.

If allowed children can become little evil experts at manipulating their parents (even the parents are happily married) pitting one against the other! Children are built that way--it is their jobs to test limits and it is a parent's job to provide boundaries and consistency. Even adult children will try to undermine their parents at times.

Though one can't anticipate every little thing one can develop how one will react and a sort of "chain of command" within the triangle (you, your partner and the children's other parent).

Example: If they are young: who will discipline and HOW? If they are adult children then whose responsiblity is it to respond to their insecurities and set boundaries about their behavior?

My personal example may not be helpful but just the same: my sons were used to me being the only parent and the father was very distant. When I remarried I did not allow my new husband to rock the boat (we had already agreed about this). His place was to enforce the rules already in place and stand beside me as to my decisions, if he disagreed he did so in private, never in front of the boys! When new situations occured my husband and I sent the boys out of the room and dicussed things first and then gave them an answer--sometimes a few days later.

I am sorry for the kids if they are being placed in the emotional position of becoming their mom's whipping post. That is so unfair and unhealthy.

The best thing you can do is not become a slave to that; if you buy into it then the children will just have more fodder and less stability.

The best you can offer is the stability of YOUR relationship and the example of your respect for each other.