Single guy involved with a married woman

[ratingsguy]

Here's my story.

 

I'm a 31 year old single guy, currently in love with a married woman in her mid 40s. We found each other on an internet website and eventually met for drinks. I didn't know that she was married until I met her, when she confessed it. She told me that she's been married for 20 years and has felt neglected in her entire marriage. Her husband, while a very good provider and not abusive in any way, is very cold and unfeeling. So I felt bad for her.

 

We got to know each other that night, and when we left the bar we kissed each other in the parking lot. It was very passionate and I discovered a lot of pent up emotion inside of her. After that night we continued to talk and eventually started meeting at hotels. Most recently, we spent a weekend at her lakehouse. Now we're talking about going on a cruise together.

 

When I first met her, I was interested in just a fling, nothing more. But now I have completely fallen for her. I know she has strong feelings for me as well. But I really feel because of her marriage and 2 kids that I'm driving down a dead end street. She has told her husband that she wants a divorce, but they have decided to wait until her kids are grown (which isn't too far down the road as they're 15 and 18).

 

I know this is all very wrong, as does she, but I think we're too deep now. She's constantly buying me things and taking me places. That's another thing... I'm just your average guy, but she is rather wealthy, which makes this even more odd.

 

It's such a shame that she's married because we can talk for hours about all kinds of things. We connect so incredibly well, which is why this just doesn't seem fair. But I can't say I don't deserve it. Things are fine between us now, but because of our circumstances I can't imagine this ending happily ever after. Even when she does get divorced, if we did get together - what would our families think? How would her kids react? What about the fact that she makes 25 times what I make? Maybe it would work out, who knows.

 

This is all very strange. I can't stop thinking about her, yet I know that in the long run, this is doomed. Again, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm not looking to be judged. But I could use some advice. I just can't stop thinking about her.

[Green]

I recently watched a very kick arse movie Transporter 2. In the movie there is a really hot married woman who shows up at our heroes door looking to be messed up good. When the hero of the movie declines she asks "is it because of who I am?" and he replies no "its because of who I am." Shes married and you know it. You didnt know you were going to meet a married woman when you started all this out. Believe me I know it can be hard to find some one you connect with in this world on as many levels as you may be connecting with this one woman. But for the sake of all that is good and for yourself get back on that lonley road and start looking for a person that you can really do all this with the cruises, the sex, the fun and get real with yourself and take a lond hard look at what your doing.

[whichwayisup]

I really feel because of her marriage and 2 kids that I'm driving down a dead end street. She has told her husband that she wants a divorce, but they have decided to wait until her kids are grown (which isn't too far down the road as they're 15 and 18).

 

This seems like the typical line of someone who is married and has no intention of ever leaving their spouse. Hate to say it, but usually it's the MM (married man) who tells his OW those lines.

 

The part I hilighted in bold is what you have to get. She more than likely isn't going to leave her husband and kids. And that is why you'll get hurt, the deeper you fall for her, the harder it will be for you to get out. You're not that far gone (yet, I hope!) so if you want to save yourself alot of pain and suffering, please end it now and walk away. Heal and find a single woman who you can be with.

 

And, go read some other threads in this section, see what you're up for if you choose to stay with her. Not only will you be hurting yourself, but you're helping her cheat on her husband! Imagine what will happen if you two get caught?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I didn't know that she was married until I met her, when she confessed it.

 

At least you are aware that you are dealing with an accomplished liar - lies of omission are often the worst. I expect by the time she admitted it, you were already hooked. How convenient is that. Ask yourself this: if she can lie about something that important, then what is to keep her from lying to you about the state of her marriage? She could have a perfectly ok marriage and simply be bored and looking for some passion on the side, with no intention of ever leaving her husband, children and comfy lifestyle. How would you know though, if she hooked you initially through lies? What else is she failing to tell you? What has she told you that was only half true, if not less? Can you truly trust someone who had to lie to capture your heart?

 

But I really feel because of her marriage and 2 kids that I'm driving down a dead end street.

 

Indeed you are. She already has you, so what would be the point of giving up her life with her husband if she doesn't have to? You are enabling her to stay comfortably married by continuing to condone it.

 

She mentioned divorce "when the kids are grown". Man, if I had a dime for everytime an OW/OM was suckered in and given false hope with that line I'd be very, very rich. Next it will be 'when they graduate from college', then 'when they get married', then 'when the first grandchild comes along', and so on. And so on.

 

I guess what it boils down to is this one thing: how long are you willing to continue to live as a side dish while she continues to share the main course with someone else? A year? Two? Five? Ten?

 

1. Even when she does get divorced, if we did get together - what would our families think?

2. How would her kids react?

3. What about the fact that she makes 25 times what I make?

 

1. What are your family's views on older, divorced women who cheated on their husbands? I expect your family would want to protect you, and would likely try to convince you to not to get yourself involved with this woman.

 

Her family would likely not accept you - you'd be the 'boy toy' who she walked out on her long term marriage for. I hate to put it that way - but after a lifetime of family bonds, it isn't likely you are going to be warmly welcomed. Politely, no doubt - but certainly not warmly.

 

2. They'll be appalled, no doubt. They'll resent you, have no respect for you, and at best will simply ignore or snub you. Kids are protective of their parental bonds and when these are bonds are broken and someone else comes in - kids can be vicious to them. Nice to their faces sometimes, but absolutely spiteful the minute their back is turned. Maybe with time they would mellow out, but the key word here is time. Lots of it.

 

3. At least she'll keep you in a comfortable lifestyle.

[pureinheart]

This is all very strange. I can't stop thinking about her, yet I know that in the long run, this is doomed. (ratingsguy)

 

 

You said it right there....and I think you are right, more often then not we don't follow our original gut instinct....then we look back at the mess....

 

I am assuming she is well off, that lifestyle is hard to walk away from, it has happened, not likely though....

 

I look back at the mess I was just in and I see:eek: that there was more than met the eye....the MM was threatened by W that she would leave when the last kid turned 18.....MM practically promised me the world....kid turns 18, she stays so my purpose for MM changed....I was his back up incase she left!!!!

 

We really don't know what goes on behind closed doors....we want to believe all of the good and that they are telling the truth....but remember she is lying to her husband....regardless of the current problems, she is lying, and mostlikely will lie to you too.

 

Also it is never good to jump from one relationship to the other....let her clean up her mess first, get the divorce and then see where things are....

 

Does she flash a lot of money in your face? Don't mean to be nosey, but who is paying for the cruise.....

[ratingsguy]

Does she flash a lot of money in your face? Don't mean to be nosey, but who is paying for the cruise.....

 

No, she doesn't flash money in my face, at least not blatantly. She has told me that money is not an object to her, and she is very happy to spend it on me (including that cruise). We've talked about it, and I've told her in so many words that it makes me feel inadequate that I can't spend money on her like she does on me. She's said not to worry about it. I don't think she's trying to be manipulative in this respect, but rather she really just enjoys buying nice things for me.

 

One thing I forgot to mention in the original post is that she wants to try and find me a girl to start a relationship with... someone in her circle... maybe the daughter of a friend or something. Mainly because she knows that I would eventually like to get married and have children one day, and she knows that I'm a great guy at heart. I wonder how many problems something like THAT could cause. But that offer was made a while ago... now I think that she'd rather have me to herself now that her feelings for me have clearly grown in the past few months.

[stillhere]

I understand your situation, as i am in the same boat, just as an OW.

 

A little warning, watch what you say here. It may not happen to you, but i was practically crucified because my MM gives me money. It became a huge debate, and i believe that thread was eventually deleted.

 

Anyways, it sounds like she may not leave. When someone is that comfortable, it is hard to give up everything that they worked so hard for. Your MW is older than you, and my MM is older than me. They are afraid of losing all they have, what their children will think of them, and especially what their friends and families will say.

 

I understand why my MM is having such a hard time. I would be as well if i was walking in his shoes. But we have to understand the reality of the situation. The odds are stacked against us.

 

I wish you luck and keep us updated, and i hope that everyone here welcomes you. We need more men on this board. Too much estrogen floating around!!!!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

This is all very strange. I can't stop thinking about her, yet I know that in the long run, this is doomed. Again, I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm not looking to be judged. But I could use some advice. I just can't stop thinking about her.

 

Aaah... the addiction of an affair with a MW. I am all too familiar with that feeling.

 

I am sorry to break it to you, but it is highly unlikely that your MW will leave her H for you. As the OM, you will have to settle for crumbs - being available when she is available, etc. It is a lifestyle that you have to learn to live with... if you want any parts of her.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. she wants to try and find me a girl to start a relationship with... someone in her circle... maybe the daughter of a friend or something.

 

2. Mainly because she knows that I would eventually like to get married and have children one day, and she knows that I'm a great guy at heart.

 

3. I wonder how many problems something like THAT could cause.

 

1. Um... yeah. I'm sure she really means that, too. She is so caring and selfless that she would set some unsuspecting woman up to marry and have children with a guy who will cheat on her with someone else's wife!

 

2. I think its more of a case of her trying to assuage her guilt at knowing she will never leave her husband for you. If she says stuff like this to you, it makes her appear selfless and caring... which leads us to...

 

3. Haha... if you actually took her up on this she would go apesh*t. So much for selfless and caring. You'd see her true colors then. Jealousy, spite, anger - you'd never hear the end of it. You don't really think she is really going to give you even an inkling of a chance to find happiness without her, do you? Nah... even if you do find someone, you'll have the spectre of this MW haunting your new relationship - can you imagine raising children with someone having to keep up with this MW's needs also? If you want to find the type of happiness and fulfillment she is suggesting, you'll have to do it with a clean break from MW. Let's hope you can manage a clean break. Something tells me that this one has her hooks in you and isn't planning on letting you go anytime soon.

 

Some women say stuff like this in general, knowing good and damned well that they don't really want the man to take them up on it. Its a test of sorts. If you want to keep your MW happy, then dissuade her from setting you up with anyone else. Insist on it. Otherwise, there will be hell to pay. Trust me on this one.

[Ladyjane14]

It may not happen to you, but i was practically crucified because my MM gives me money. It became a huge debate......

 

"Practically crucified" is quite strong language for the exchange of ideas that took place, but whatever....

 

It's still WRONG, in my opinion, to take money from an affair partner. That is, unless you know for an absolute FACT that the money is held as separate wealth by the person who gave it, and is NOT a marital asset. If it's not separate, it's tantamount to STEALING. Because if it's a shared fund and the betrayed spouse doesn't know it's been appropriated, they haven't given permission for it's use. How is that any different than picking the BS's pocket?

 

Marital assets are supposed to be for the support and financial betterment of BOTH married partners. Giving the money away to your favorite charity isn't tax deductible unless it's a bonafide registered one.

 

I can't speak for everyone, but if I was a betrayed spouse and found out that my money had been used to support adultery... I most definately WOULD get it back. And if I had to work three jobs just to pay the lawyers.... so be it. It's the principle of the thing.

 

You're playing with fire, OP. Not only by risking your emotional health and welfare with an unavailable partner, but you could be facing financial repercussions as well, depending on the laws in your state.

[Green]

Ratings Guy do the right thing and break it off with this woman in a situation like this you could just stop calling her and if she ever calls you or shows up at your door tell her you cant do this any more its wrong. and no matter what she says I would stick to your guns. How can you do this she is cheating on her husband, just think of all the back stabing things she might do to a guy like you her secret friend, I mean dont expect loyalty from a union like this one.

[ratingsguy]

I wish you luck and keep us updated, and i hope that everyone here welcomes you. We need more men on this board. Too much estrogen floating around!!!!

 

Thanks stillhere, and everyone else for your input. Finding this board, writing down my situation, and hearing everyone's advice has really started to move the wheels in my brain.

 

It's funny, but today for the first time I got ANGRY. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure why, but I guess I'm beginning to see that I'm being used. My MW should know that she's playing with my heart. It sucks, it really sucks.

 

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm going to break this off tomorrow. But I will say that reading a lot of the posts on this board has started to make me see things in a different light. This is going to take time for me to work things out, but I think I'm finally traveling down the right path.

 

As for the money issue, I neglected to mention that while my MW's H provides her with a lot (he makes approx $500k), she's no slouch either as she makes about $150K. So I would HOPE that all the things she's bought for me has been out of her pocket and not his.

 

And yeah, I would like to see more men on here, too! Seems that there's more OWs than OMs. But all the threads are good informative reading.

[stillhere]

Believe me, i know how you feel. I can go through a wide range of emotions in a matter of hours.

 

These A's take a toll on you, both emotionally and physically. If i'm not mistaken, you've been in this A for a short period of time. Cut your losses and move on. I wish i had done that earlier. If only i had the strength and the knowledge that i have now. I had given him the opportunity so many times in the beginning, yet he never walked. And this was all before i fell in love with him.

 

If you read all of our stories, there are very very few of us who leave this A with our A partner. I have made a few great friends on this site, and i'm thankful for that. They help me through the hard times. Take it one day at a time and don't dwell on the future, because it will drive you into a severe depression.

 

This site can be extremely helpful, you just have to learn to take the good with the bad.

[puddleofmud]

"A little warning, watch what you say here. It may not happen to you, but i was practically crucified because my MM gives me money. It became a huge debate, and i believe that thread was eventually deleted"

 

I am one of the posters in that thread. My concern was not at all to "crucify" but rather bring to light that too often MONEY may equal "ownership". As in when money is concerned the person who is the funder may feel they have some right to ownership and may do some really ugly things to the recipient once the owner/provider decide the purchase done, especially when the spouse gets a clue (and they will as money carries an undeniable "trail"). Persons with valuable assets are no different than those with little--they will protect everything they value with a vengence! Including you being awakened one frosty morning by a process server where you are obligated by law to appear in court.

In this thread I would say the same: the relationship has no balance and is not one of equal terms whether emotionally or monetarily.

It is up to you as to how your regard yourself.

As an aside persons offering such are rarely satisfied and may become bored and simply find another "toy" just because they CAN.

[EnigmaXOXO]

One thing I forgot to mention in the original post is that she wants to try and find me a girl to start a relationship with... someone in her circle... maybe the daughter of a friend or something.

 

In terms of creepy, this one should really raise the hair on your arms.

 

While it's obvious she no longer has any respect for her husband, it would also seem she doesn't have much respect for you, her friend, or the welfare of her friend's young daughter either. Already planning to pawn you off like a beloved pet that her husband won't allow her to keep … under some pretentious guise of doing everyone some selfless, noble favor.

 

Not only is this woman uncaring, manipulative and dishonest … but seemingly completely out of touch with reality as well!

 

I sure hope (for everyone's sake) the hormonal fog clears before you allow yourself to get derailed by this fruit-loop any further.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself!

[ratingsguy]

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't creep me out. I think she sees in me someone she wishes that she had met years ago (don't forget she's 15 years older than me). She knows that I'm a great guy with a lot of great qualities and wants to see me be happy with a quality woman. Plus, I think it's also a realization on her part that her and I can't be together forever (from a practical standpoint), which is something I realize as well. I'm not saying that I would take her up on the offer, but I think I understand her motivation.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

While it's obvious she no longer has any respect for her husband, it would also seem she doesn't have much respect for you, her friend, or the welfare of her friend's young daughter either. Already planning to pawn you off like a beloved pet that her husband won't allow her to keep … under some pretentious guise of doing everyone some selfless, noble favor.

 

I disagree! She may be married, but that does not mean that she's heartless, too. As a married woman, I also tend to want to "set up" my nice male friends with some of the nice girls I know. It is not a dirty deed, like what you described at all.

 

When a MM cheats, it's because he's being lured by the OW. But when a MW cheats, she's crucified like she were a witch! Talk about prejudice, social stigma, and double standards! Hello? Did any one question on this forum - even once! - whether the cheating MM respects his W?

 

Still, I would encourage the OP to distance his emotions from this woman, or he's setting himself up for agony and pain. However, this advice may already be a bit too late?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hello? Did any one question on this forum - even once! - whether the cheating MM respects his W?

 

Nope. Not me. Because I actually took the time to read the thread and there was no mention of a "cheating Married Man" (as you imagined) here.

 

Unless the little sucker slipped by me … did I miss him??

 

Honestly. While I appreciate the exchange of opinions as much as the next guy, wouldn't it be more prudent to actually "read" what the original poster had to say before whipping out the *Jesus card* and ranting about crucifixions, witch hunts and what-nots?

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe I'm missing something, but it doesn't creep me out. I think she sees in me someone she wishes that she had met years ago (don't forget she's 15 years older than me). She knows that I'm a great guy with a lot of great qualities and wants to see me be happy with a quality woman. Plus, I think it's also a realization on her part that her and I can't be together forever (from a practical standpoint), which is something I realize as well. I'm not saying that I would take her up on the offer, but I think I understand her motivation.

 

Would it creep you out if it was a reversed-gender situation? What would you think if it was an older MM offering to 'fix up' his young mistress with one of his buddies?

 

Maybe your situation isn't an emotional one. But if you do have real feelings for the MW, how are they not marginalized by this offer?

 

 

As for the money issue, I neglected to mention that while my MW's H provides her with a lot (he makes approx $500k), she's no slouch either as she makes about $150K. So I would HOPE that all the things she's bought for me has been out of her pocket and not his.

 

I still disagree with the laissez-faire attitude on money and gifts, btw. When one rises the ire of a betrayed spouse, there's no way to know if the next thing you'll hear is the squeak of a mouse... or the roar of a lion.

 

A wealthy BS has more resources with which to seek revenge.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

While I appreciate the exchange of opinions as much as the next guy, wouldn't it be more prudent to actually "read" what the original poster had to say before whipping out the *Jesus card* and ranting about crucifixions, witch hunts and what-nots?

 

Is it just me who sensed a deep resentment from many posters on LS toward the MWs who carry on an extramarital affair with a much younger man??

[puddleofmud]

Is it just me who sensed a deep resentment from many posters on LS toward the MWs who carry on an extramarital affair with a much younger man??

 

Personally, I have no judgement regarding AGE, but rather a concern about the balance of "power" in any relationship.

Whether it be the ATTITUDE re: money or anything else that may raise the bar which another may not reach without respect for their place in the relationship would be something I would worry about.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Is it just me who sensed a deep resentment from many posters on LS toward the MWs who carry on an extramarital affair with a much younger man??

 

For me, this particular situation has nothing to do with age or gender, since neither is an accurate indicator of one's naivety.

 

Let's sanitize the situation and remove both … and you still have a individual who deliberately refrained from disclosing their marital status to their online friend until after they agreed to meet in person. Dishonesty and deception is already the foundation their friendship is based on.

 

You still have someone looking to find a spouse and have children of their own … and another individual who already has all these things that they don't intend to walk away from any time soon. Single individual has basically put their life and dreams on hold to placate the inertia of bored, married person. As long as single person remains tethered to this dead-end situation, the kind of "quality" partner and happy relationship they seek becomes less and less of a possibility for them.

 

You still have 'married person' who is emotionally unable (or incapable) of giving 'single person' the kind of deeper commitment and tangible long-term relationship they seek. So married person compensates by overwhelming single person with gestures of monetary generosity. Money is an easy substitute for love when you have it. Easier to sacrifice a few dollars here and there then walk away from the comfortable life you already have … and the shared financial interests that (for a long time) have been the only bond holding your marriage together.

 

KNOW THIS: People who have been conditioned over time to believe that money is the expression of love … or that money is what buys loyalty and happiness … lose the ability to express love and/or define a relationship in any other way. And you can take that one to the bank.

 

Similarly, if single person accepts monetary gifts from married person as a substitution for the real emotion and/or commitment they seek … they are, in essence, allowing someone to place a price tag on their heart. Their time and company becomes something that can be "bought", and as a result, they allow themselves to become objectified.

 

And it's the 'objectified' part that leaves me feeling insulted for our single poster, here. And to further elaborate that point, consider this:

 

How would any of us feel if the person we deeply cared for … the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with … suggested marrying us off to one of the acquaintances in their social circle after they were finished with us? Rather emotionally detached and somewhat patronizing, don't you think? And we're not just talking about fixing up a couple of platonic buddies, here. Single person has developed real emotions for married person who continues to remind them of their temporary position as a sideliner to the marriage and their other life.

 

Maybe it's just me. But if I genuinely loved and cared for someone, and they suggested fostering me out to one of their buddies like that … my heart would be crushed.

[ratingsguy]

How would any of us feel if the person we deeply cared for … the person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with … suggested marrying us off to one of the acquaintances in their social circle after they were finished with us? Rather emotionally detached and somewhat patronizing, don't you think? And we're not just talking about fixing up a couple of platonic buddies, here. Single person has developed real emotions for married person who continues to remind them of their temporary position as a sideliner to the marriage and their other life.

 

All your points are well taken and I appreciate your input. Although I have to disagree with with the paragraph above.

 

I don't feel hurt or crushed by this offer... mainly because I'm aware of the reality of the situation I'm in. I love MW and MW loves me. That being said, we both know that any chance for a relationship in the long run is extraordinarily slim. By her own admission, she can't provide me with the things in life I'd one day like to have, and (as much as I don't want to) I agree.

 

My MW sees in me the person she wishes she had met years ago. And I see in her someone I wish was 15 years younger, single and without kids. I truly believe her when she says that she wants me to be happy. And if that's with someone else, I think she'd be happy for me. Maybe I'm wrong, and I am naive as you suggest, but I do choose to see the good in her and look beyond her mistakes.

 

But the bottom line is that I'm resigned to the fact that this A will have to end someday. For now, I'm enjoying the love and support I get from my MW and vice versa. I take being set-up down the road as a very genuine gesture from someone who deeply cares about me and wants to see me happy, but is also resigned to the eventual finality of our relationship.

[GreenEyedLady]

RG: You don't seem to have any expectations for the R and you seem to have faced a lot of the realities of your situation...best of luck to you and glad to have you in the forum...GEL

[sinceyouasked]

When a MM cheats, it's because he's being lured by the OW. But when a MW cheats, she's crucified like she were a witch! Talk about prejudice, social stigma, and double standards! Hello? Did any one question on this forum - even once! - whether the cheating MM respects his W?

Have you ever actually read what is posted here?