Don't want to be OW anymore, I don't think so anyway

[desperate4change]

I'm new here today. I'm not sure if anyone else is out there.... I know that it's a holiday and all and the emotions and feelings go awry on these days about AP and the R. But, I honestly don't think I want to be the OW any longer. I'm single and I've been with MM for almost 4 years now. No one else but him. But I don't think I'm cut out for this any longer. I'm so tired of spending holidays without him, wondering if he'll call and when he doesn't feeling very depressed. Why do these feelings pop up out of nowhere? I think I'm ready to throw in the towel now...

[oyster]

welcome to the board

 

read my post here

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t105051/

[whichwayisup]

I'm new here today. I'm not sure if anyone else is out there.... I know that it's a holiday and all and the emotions and feelings go awry on these days about AP and the R. But, I honestly don't think I want to be the OW any longer. I'm single and I've been with MM for almost 4 years now. No one else but him. But I don't think I'm cut out for this any longer. I'm so tired of spending holidays without him, wondering if he'll call and when he doesn't feeling very depressed. Why do these feelings pop up out of nowhere? I think I'm ready to throw in the towel now...

First off all, congratulations for reaching your ENOUGH point. 4 years is a very long time (wasted, sorry to say that)to stay with a MM.

 

End it with him, get some therapy to help you cope through the loss and do your best to heal and move on. Break up and don't look back. And don't worry about hurting him, he's been hurtin you for 4 years - Time for you to move on and make a life for yourself without him in it!

[kymberann]

Do it ASAP! You'll be glad in the long run!

We'll be here for support!

[jerseyblue29eyes]

Listen to these posters. They have helped me see my situation for what it really is, not what I thought it was to him and I.

 

I knew after 2 years and wondering why I always felt sad lately after talking to him, that I had to do something. After meeting him this week, I was taken back by my feelings and realized no, no, no, my heart was telling me love is not supposed to feel like this.

 

Think back when you were starting to fall in love with a single guy, you were on the ultimate high.

 

Now, think of how you are hurting right now.

 

I wish you the best in your situation also. Hugs to you.

[pureinheart]

Hey Desparate....

 

I've only been here a few days and am already finding stuff both good and bad inside of me that has been buried for a long...long time. You will find the answers and truth you need to once and for all be done with this....

 

Awwww the Holidays....I had the best Thanksgiving ever today with my daughter and grandchildren....they live with me ....past holidays were depressing, I was depressed and mostlikely caused them to have not such a good time.....

 

I am free and you are too!!!!!!!

 

GBU and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!

[lovernotafighter]

LS helped me realise me relationship which I thought was different than every one elses affairs was very very unremarkable.

 

I broke up with MM and he with me over 6 times..the last time I broke up with him we stayed friends..from mid-September till we wanted to get back together and he put the final nail in the coffin at the end of October. (we never got back together we just talked about it over and over with the most pain since our time started)

 

we have been in the most strict NC we have done since then and you'll be amazed what that can do...the MM fog lifts and you see things very very differently.

 

I looked at my journal of my relationship and as soon as emotions were thrown in to the mix it was nothing but pain..every entry was heart ache.

 

I'm still in pain and reeling from this relationship but my eyes are open and see this is what has to happen..I am grieving my dead relationship but truly what can be done?

 

you have reached a very important stage of your relationship..I think when and if you end it NC really is the only way to go..take it from me..we ended our relationship in every scenario there is and NC was the only way to see things for what they are..youll be on the fast track to recovery.

 

best of luck and we are here if you need us :-)

[Catharsis]

Read my story (link is in my signature). Enough said - I wasted three years of my life wondering about my "MM" (thank God he was always 1000s of miles away, so it was "only" an EA). He lied, scammed and used me the entire time. The sooner you get out of this, the better.

[desperate4change]

Thanks for the support!!! It's nice to know that there are 'others' out there like me... Sometimes I feel like the alien that walked off the spaceship and I have no idea what to do first... explore the land or run back into the ship and take off back to what I know. I know that's a weird metaphor. Funny thing is, I am a therapist, with a graduate degree and going for a second one now. I help people everyday sort out their problems in life. Isn't it ironic? Me, the one people look to guidance for and I'm having a difficult time pushing myself to do what's good for me. I always thought that my situation would turn out differently. I've heard all the "I don't want to leave now, my kids are still in high school" and the "She thinks she needs more money than me, I won't be able to work it out with her" blah, blah, blah. Funny thing is, I've been there, done that. Not for him -- but for myself -- and my kids have adjusted (I've been D 5 yrs now), I still have my car, my house, my dogs... I'm relatively happy, except this part of my existence. A part that no one else sees. What does the board think about ultimatums? B U T I know the consensus on the board will be to kick him to curb. Am I right?

[jerseyblue29eyes]

I share so much with you also. Except for whatever I had with him, I was happy in my life.

 

I think the screen name you picked is your answer. Hugs and good luck to you!

[oyster]

What does the board think about ultimatums? B U T I know the consensus on the board will be to kick him to curb. Am I right?

 

Give him the ultimatum and he will NOT leave his wife however he will play with your emotions. Keep calling you after the break up in hope of more powerful and intense sex.

 

I say, think for yourself. Be MORE selfish than he is. Walk away, set yourself FREE and if he truely loves you, he will not only leave, but SIGN the seperation paper, get a timeline for divorce finalization, move out, get over it mentally and emotionally.

 

Basically when married people face the uphill battle and are face with exploring the unknown (security, confort, habits, etc) they chose the most unlogical choice of going back to their rotten marriage and keep complaining till another OM or OW comes along and the whole cylce rebegins

[Jane Doe]

Funny thing is, I am a therapist, with a graduate degree and going for a second one now. I help people everyday sort out their problems in life. Isn't it ironic? Me, the one people look to guidance for and I'm having a difficult time pushing myself to do what's good for me.

 

It's always easier to sees the situations of others with complete clarity, yet it's almost impossible to do when it's you in the crisis. Read through some other threads here and you'll soon be saying, "Oh my gosh! That's me!" For the most part, every affair is pretty much the same -- the same lies, the same fantasies, the same loneliness, the same games, the same illusions, the same empty promises. Tiny details may differ but the outcome is universal. Try to step outside yourself and view your situation as an outsider. Think of how you would advise another person and then take your own advice.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Post here often. It'll help.

[GreenEyedLady]

What does the board think about ultimatums? B U T I know the consensus on the board will be to kick him to curb. Am I right?

 

You have to do what it right for you...if you feel that you should give him the ultimatum, then do it...I personally just think that ultimatums aren't a good idea, even if they sometimes work...I want MM to leave based on his own reasons, not mine...

 

It's your life and your choice...

[lovernotafighter]

I never intended on giving my exMM a ultimatum but I did any way for clarity because he bandied leaving around allot and at that point knew it would end our relationship.

 

I asked him before hand to quit telling me he was going to leave and talking about 'our' future, but he did it anyway.

 

so when called to the matte he did as predicted...a thousand reasons why he can't ,blagh,blagh,blagh...clarity.

 

at one point he even came to me a told me okay I will do it...with in the week said he will but doesn't know when.

 

he also told me he wanted me to wait for him..and then said he can't ask me to do that because it could be 2 months..2 years..10 years!

 

I say go ahead and give him one..but with the intention your not going to get the answer you hope for..when he does what you think he will, what mine did, it might give you the fuel to end the relationship.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

~LNF

[desperate4change]

Thanks for all the responses and support, everyone's made me feel welcomed to this forum...

 

So, this says it all GEL... I've wanted him to leave for him -- not for me. For him because his M isn't what he deserves. But I guess if he chooses it, then it is what it is, and he does deserve it, after all, he's making the choice. I've never asked him to leave her, never in the 4 years we've been together. He knows, though, that I would prefer it that way. We've had discussions about how difficult it is, emotionally and logistically. I don't know if I really want to get remarried, so this is not my intention. I just want a "normal" relationship and a "normal" existence. I just want to be able to completely share my life with him and have the same reciprocity, especially since we share such intimacy.

 

I have the opportunity today to call him "to the mat", LNF (I like that, by the way), I'm going to take it. We are meeting for lunch later this afternoon. Why am I feeling ??????

[pricillia]

Thanks for all the responses and support, everyone's made me feel welcomed to this forum...

 

So, this says it all GEL... I've wanted him to leave for him -- not for me. For him because his M isn't what he deserves. But I guess if he chooses it, then it is what it is, and he does deserve it, after all, he's making the choice. I've never asked him to leave her, never in the 4 years we've been together. He knows, though, that I would prefer it that way. We've had discussions about how difficult it is, emotionally and logistically. I don't know if I really want to get remarried, so this is not my intention. I just want a "normal" relationship and a "normal" existence. I just want to be able to completely share my life with him and have the same reciprocity, especially since we share such intimacy.

 

I have the opportunity today to call him "to the mat", LNF (I like that, by the way), I'm going to take it. We are meeting for lunch later this afternoon. Why am I feeling ??????

 

 

Well then you tell him that you have invested 4 years of your life to him and if he is truly unhappy in his marriage then he needs to make a choice. You are not giving him an ultimatum you are just doing what is right for you.

 

Do not be afriad to tell him that you want more, if not then it is time to part as friends(no revenge) and that you would like to see a man (person unknown) that you will be able to grow and evolve with.

[puddleofmud]

I feel a common bond regarding your situation in that persons who are inherently empathatic do seem to get easily caught up in this kind of situation. Though it is not an excuse; I am seeing this as a common trait within affairs--especially those that begin with EA's.

We are open to those in pain, good listeners, loyal and will go into action when a person we care for needs our aid. It is not that we are particularly seeking being "needed" in an unhealthy way we just have no fear of being needed.

We also have no fear of being physically open as in touching, hugging, holding another when they need comfort which may lead to a sexual affair with another (not saying that just about persons who are attached).

These traits seem to also be a common thread in that persons who are insecure, unsatisfied, seeking relief from pain and those that are just selfishly needy "hook" into.

Perhaps when those like us consider this we may see where the line became "fuzzy" and we crossed it.

I don't think the answer is necessarily "kick him" to the curb--its about YOU and kicking your emotional cues to the curb, though he will be out in the street with them!

[desperate4change]

I crossed the "fuzzy" line when I agreed to meet him for dinner 4 years ago. What was I thinking??

 

So, I was stood up for lunch-- actually he did at least call me to let me know he couldn't get away from work. I took the extra time to do so badly needed yard work since the weather was absolutely beautiful today. And some extra time to think.

 

PM, your comments are very similar to a type of codependent behavior. I think women, in general, are at risk for crossing the line, simply because we are made that way. Once there, we have all these crazy chemicals and hormones that stir up and, boom, we are "hooked". The majority of the time, we are able to turn those off, step back, take a look, and say, "no way am I getting into this, it's trouble" Then, there are those times, we are hearing from the MM's "you are the sweetest, sexiest, hottest woman I've ever met, blah, blah, blah, my W just doesn't seem to be interested in sex anymore, yada, yada, yada" Next thing you're saying is, " oh, poor thing, how could his W treat him this way??!! He's so sweet!!" Hooked. Anyway, you get the idea... The MM gets hooked too, simply because it's sex with a woman. And we know the story from there... That's why I'm here anyway.