Affair is over, but only to me, not caught yet

[FrogWart]

I need advice about what to do now. I realize no matter what I do I have to hurt someone and that makes me sick. I was in a very emotional love affair 5 years ago. We worked together and were caught by a partner and l lost my practice. I was terrified as I knew my wife would kill OW no questions asked. So I never told her. I did end the romantic affair but still have contact with OW. We were each other's support while I set up a new practice and she moved out of state. She still says "I love you" and I say it back to her although I'm glad she moved.

 

My wife had suspicions but never proved anything. I know I'm a idiot. I should've never done that, but thought I was in love and for some reason also thought what my wife dosen't know really wouldn't hurt her. I kept her in the style that she had grown accustomed to living in. A big house, lots of material things and she's very happy. Never wanted children so she enjoys a carefree life style. But I know that would all go wrong if she knew about OW. Now OW is gone. I'm all set up in my new practice. Wife stopped suspecting because there are no more signs and that's mainly because there's no more romance.

 

I know I should probably enter an NC with OW but that would devastate her. She's alone and considers me her best friend. She relies on my advice constantly. She also feels like we went through alot of pain (my losing my practice and her feeling she needed to have distance to avoid the possibilty of physical contact) and she has said on many occasions that if we allowed our friendship to disolve, we went through all that pain for nothing.

 

I can see her point, but have a real fear of my W finding out we still chat and my not being able to explain it. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want my W to hurt OW, but I also don't want to hurt OW. I know it would be devastating to her if I told her I no longer wanted any contact with her. We've been through so much and I do still care for her very much.

 

I need advice. Where do I go from here. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

[ataloss]

How about trying the truth? Don't get me wrong, I understand that you don't want to hurt the OW and feel responsible for the pain, but please look past the immediate. Example: Fast forward 6 months from now, you didn't say anything about how you really feel and she has still been depending on you emotionally. Now today she gets the awful news that there is a death in her immediate family, she's devastated, not only of the death, but because you can not be there when she needs you the most. Now she's dealing with two losses at the same time. Can you imagine that kind of pain?

[whichwayisup]

YOU must decide your priorities. Does your wife's feelings count more than your OW, or is it the other way around??

 

The fact too, your affair isn't a secret, so one day your wife could find out from someone else...Never say never.

 

Plus if you end it with the OW, there is a small chance she may react, get upset and contact you more and more, even at home, causing issues with you and your wife.

 

Something is wrong in your marriage, otherwise you wouldn't have chosen to have an affair with another woman. Once you decide WHO want, make a decision and stick to it. Either fix the marriage, stay with your wife or divorce her so she can find someone who isn't going to cheat and lie to her.

 

Right now you're hurting two women, and that's not fair.

[JamesM]

I was in a very emotional love affair 5 years ago. We worked together and were caught by a partner and l lost my practice. I was terrified as I knew my wife would kill OW no questions asked. So I never told her.

 

Wow, how did you do this? Seems to be that if you lost your practice, your wife would have known that something caused it.

 

I know I should probably enter an NC with OW but that would devastate her. She's alone and considers me her best friend.

 

Why end it? Is it still a love affair? However, why have you kept this "platonic" relationship from your wife? did she suspect that this woman was the one you had an affair with? What does your wife consider you...her best friend...or do you two not have a close relationship?

 

I can see her point, but have a real fear of my W finding out we still chat and my not being able to explain it. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want my W to hurt OW, but I also don't want to hurt OW. I know it would be devastating to her if I told her I no longer wanted any contact with her. We've been through so much and I do still care for her very much.

 

How do you plan on explaining this relationship to your wife if she does find out? BTW, did you have sex with this woman? This does change things quite a bit. Read this sentence over...you want your wife and your girlfriend. You want to hurt neither. In reality, you love neither completely. Keeping a friendship with the OW is possible, but both parties must realize that it is only a friendship and yor wife must know of this relationship. Personally I do not believe that you need to tell her of the past. However, I am quite certain that the past will not be gone until the OW is no longer in your life every day, and you apply that same "energy" to your relationship with your wife.

[Chapter2]

I need advice about what to do now. I realize no matter what I do I have to hurt someone and that makes me sick. I was in a very emotional love affair 5 years ago. We worked together and were caught by a partner and l lost my practice. I was terrified as I knew my wife would kill OW no questions asked. So I never told her. I did end the romantic affair but still have contact with OW. We were each other's support while I set up a new practice and she moved out of state. She still says "I love you" and I say it back to her although I'm glad she moved.

 

You have not ended the affair, something about the affair is still serving you or you wouldn't be in contact. Do you still say "I love you" as well to the OW even though "you're glad she moved"?

 

My wife had suspicions but never proved anything. I know I'm a idiot. I should've never done that, but thought I was in love and for some reason also thought what my wife dosen't know really wouldn't hurt her. I kept her in the style that she had grown accustomed to living in. A big house, lots of material things and she's very happy. Never wanted children so she enjoys a carefree life style. But I know that would all go wrong if she knew about OW. Now OW is gone. I'm all set up in my new practice. Wife stopped suspecting because there are no more signs and that's mainly because there's no more romance.

 

I'm sorry, FW, but you start out stating you're an idiot then give excuses for why you had the affair and how you kept your wife up. Would your wife concur that what makes her happy is a big house and lots of material things?

 

I know I should probably enter an NC with OW but that would devastate her. She's alone and considers me her best friend. She relies on my advice constantly. She also feels like we went through alot of pain (my losing my practice and her feeling she needed to have distance to avoid the possibilty of physical contact) and she has said on many occasions that if we allowed our friendship to disolve, we went through all that pain for nothing.

 

You paint the picture that you are so long suffering that you are hanging on to your OW because she needs you in so many ways? That just doesn't wash. Chivalry is NOT what keeps you in contact with her. You have zero respect for either of these women.

 

I can see her point, but have a real fear of my W finding out we still chat and my not being able to explain it. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want my W to hurt OW, but I also don't want to hurt OW. I know it would be devastating to her if I told her I no longer wanted any contact with her. We've been through so much and I do still care for her very much.

 

I need advice. Where do I go from here. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

 

I want to offer you support, really, I do, but you seem to be in such denial about what you are actually doing to these two women that its difficult to encourage you one way or the other. Your actions are not noble no matter how much you claim not wanting to hurt anyone. Make a decision and stick with it. Choose your OW or your wife but don't behave as if you are a victim just trying to keep everyone happy and pain free.

[sapphire0903]

Okay, Frogwart,

You had given me great advice on a previous post I had last month.

I hope I can do the same for you.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.......no doubt.

You understand that someone will get hurt, .........one or all three involved

If you do not intend to tell the truth, the only option will be to tell the OW that you can no longer continue the relationship.

I myself could not accept NC. It does not work for me, not when I care about the other person so much, and know the feelings are returned.

 

My suggestion would be to begin contact less frequently, fewer and fewer as time goes on, until it is either almost no contact or zero contact.

Explain your feelings for her, that you really do care about her, but you are married, and your first obligation is to your marriage. That you love her, but love her as a friend. You are in love with your wife (if that is a true statement). Encourage her to date when you do have contact.

 

If you are not willing to completely give up this relationship even as friends, at some point it would only be fair to "introduce the concept" of being friends with this woman. Your wife knows you worked with her right? That is how you know her, and a friendship was developed. However, IMO, nothing is worse than being lied to and deceived.

You are skating on very thin ice my friend, maybe you may entertain the idea that some times things happen for a reason, and sometimes some relationships are just not meant to be.

Learn what lessons you can from this experience, and good luck to you.

 

No need to lie to OW, tell her the truth, if she is your friend, she will understand eventually.

[2sunny]

You have not ended the affair, something about the affair is still serving you or you wouldn't be in contact.

 

 

I want to offer you support, really, I do, but you seem to be in such denial about what you are actually doing to these two women that its difficult to encourage you one way or the other. Your actions are not noble no matter how much you claim not wanting to hurt anyone. Make a decision and stick with it. Choose your OW or your wife but don't behave as if you are a victim just trying to keep everyone happy and pain free.

 

both of these statements are true...

 

it is not fair to anyone involved and this plan of action (for five years???) is called and refered to as a cake eater...

 

google it

it may open your eyes a bit...

[Guest]

Straight from the urban dictionary

 

Cake eater:

 

Slang term from the 1920's meaning a lady's man. But is now used for men who enjoy the butt sex.

 

Yeah - huh?

[outofdarkness]

I need advice about what to do now. I realize no matter what I do I have to hurt someone and that makes me sick. I was in a very emotional love affair 5 years ago. We worked together and were caught by a partner and l lost my practice. I was terrified as I knew my wife would kill OW no questions asked. So I never told her. I did end the romantic affair but still have contact with OW. We were each other's support while I set up a new practice and she moved out of state. She still says "I love you" and I say it back to her although I'm glad she moved.

 

My wife had suspicions but never proved anything. I know I'm a idiot. I should've never done that, but thought I was in love and for some reason also thought what my wife dosen't know really wouldn't hurt her. I kept her in the style that she had grown accustomed to living in. A big house, lots of material things and she's very happy. Never wanted children so she enjoys a carefree life style. But I know that would all go wrong if she knew about OW. Now OW is gone. I'm all set up in my new practice. Wife stopped suspecting because there are no more signs and that's mainly because there's no more romance.

 

I know I should probably enter an NC with OW but that would devastate her. She's alone and considers me her best friend. She relies on my advice constantly. She also feels like we went through alot of pain (my losing my practice and her feeling she needed to have distance to avoid the possibilty of physical contact) and she has said on many occasions that if we allowed our friendship to disolve, we went through all that pain for nothing.

 

I can see her point, but have a real fear of my W finding out we still chat and my not being able to explain it. I don't want my marriage to end, I don't want my W to hurt OW, but I also don't want to hurt OW. I know it would be devastating to her if I told her I no longer wanted any contact with her. We've been through so much and I do still care for her very much.

 

I need advice. Where do I go from here. Has anyone ever been in this situation?

if it's only friends...why keep it a secret from your W??? I heard this one too many times...It was just lunches, or just work together...When I did find out the truth, it was VERY ugly...If you have been/are hiding anything from your wife, you are not helping her or keeping her from getting hurt...she WILL get hurt because she WILL find out the truth. If you have respect and love for her, YOU will be the one who tells her...If not, the OW will get angry and eventually tell her or tell one of HER friends, and SHE will tell your W...Believe me...you're in a pickle...and YOU made the choice...It's YOUR responsibility to do the right thing...You said vows with your W did you not? SHE is your W...It doesn't sounds like you really want to be married...I don't like the term "cake eater" but you sure sounds like one...Hope it works out for you. My advice is to tell her the truth now and cut contact...You have alot more to lose if you if you don't...Also, I'd be curious to know too...How did you lose your practice w/out your W knowing? Did you lie to her about THAT too? That's fishy...

[FrogWart]

I lost my practice and my W knows I did - she does not know why. I could not tell her it had something to do with another woman. She thinks it has do with bad accounting/partner disagreements etc.

 

Again - not proud of it.

 

Some of you asked how I know my wife would kill OW. I know because she said it. When she suspected, she said she would without a doubt go to jail over this. I did not persue. I know when she's not bluffing.

 

Maybe divorce is the answer - but there is alot involved. My wife does not ask questions anymore and is very happy. We have two families very intertwined that would also be devasted if we were to split.

[lover's rock]

You lost your practice over this OW and you're still talking to her? What else are you willing to lose?

[Freedom Now]

So are you walking away from the other woman because you fear that her life is in danger? Is that the reason you are staying with your wife? Or do you love her?

 

If you do not love your wife, let her go. She has the right to find happiness with someone who loves her as much as she is capable of loving him.

 

If you do not love your OW, let HER go. The same applies to her.

 

You can't have them both. It is unfair to both of them.

 

You need to make a decision and stick with it.

 

Your indecision is torturing your OW and hurting your wife without her knowledge. For THEIR sake, make a choice.

 

All my best...

Freedom Now

[outofdarkness]

I lost my practice and my W knows I did - she does not know why. I could not tell her it had something to do with another woman. She thinks it has do with bad accounting/partner disagreements etc.

 

Again - not proud of it.

 

Some of you asked how I know my wife would kill OW. I know because she said it. When she suspected, she said she would without a doubt go to jail over this. I did not persue. I know when she's not bluffing.

 

Maybe divorce is the answer - but there is alot involved. My wife does not ask questions anymore and is very happy. We have two families very intertwined that would also be devasted if we were to split.

what makes u so sure she's happy? The main OW in my H's life told me the one time that we spoke by phone, that he had told her not to worry..the kids and I were living "the good life" traveling, expensive this...expensive that...All lies...We were miserable and every single day he ranted and raged over money...That "I" was spending too much...It never dawned on me that he was spending OUR money on OWs and anyone who tells you that the MM did not spend money on an A is probrabley lieing...

 

We were a great looking family on the outside and in the community/schools, social events, etc...but on the inside...noone knew how degrading, selfish and abusive, he could be and was towards us...Many times, and I'm sure in my case, the Hs behave this way to have an excuse to leave for awhile to spend time with the OW and feel ok about doing it...

 

I'm not saying this is your situation, but I AM saying that you don't know if she is truly happy..or just feels stuck and mabey in love with you?

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Freedom_Now is right. Listen to her words, Frogwart.

 

No one can better understand you, than yourself. Only you can decide what is best for yourself, and your wife.

 

You should do, as soon as possible, is sit down with yourself and attempt to disintegrate, search, and unveil the problems and issues in your marriage. You say, you provide your wife with all essentials, and she is happy with the life you have given her. Do you truly think she is happy? Of course not. And, What happened exactly that made you have an affair? Furthermore, you say, romance is missing. In your own words, define romance? Obviously, romance to men doesn't register correctly in a woman's book. Since, romance is missing, have you done anything to enhance it since then. Apparently not.

 

The segment of your post that infuriates me, is that you seem to have no feelings whatsoever of your actions and the consequences associated with having an affair.

 

I believe you are almost completely numb, at this point in your life.

 

With that said, give your wife a chance and cut her lose. You are not aware of your intentions to either women, so you might as well continue rotting yourself away.

 

Regards,

Sand&Water

[FrogWart]

Sand and water:

 

Although I agree with many of the things you said, I feel the below needs to be addressed

 

Your words:

"The segment of your post that infuriates me, is that you seem to have no feelings whatsoever of your actions and the consequences associated with having an affair. "

 

My response:

You have no right to get "infuriated" with anyone. You have not walked a mile in my shoes. Until you have, you won't know what this does to a person wanting to clean it up.

 

Your words:

"With that said, give your wife a chance and cut her lose. You are not aware of your intentions to either women, so you might as well continue rotting yourself away."

 

My response:

Thanks for your support understanding and meaningful advice. I say it sarcastically as it does nothing to help. I came here for help. If you want to deliver a blow, just know that is the only purpose this comment had.

[FrogWart]

My original question was how to fix it without anyone getting hurt. I have endured tremendous pain and so has the OW. My wife will when and if I tell her about this, but she hasn't yet. I'm not one of those abusive H's, I try to go above and beyond to make sure everyone is kept happy.

 

The responses I received that say "cut her off (OW)" or "divorce (W)" so she can have a chance at "real love" dosen't make sense! Now 3 people are in agony and two families are disappointed.

 

I'm sorry, but preaching does not help. I want to end the affair. I want my OW to understand for the fall to be as soft as possible and I want to concentrate on my wife and fix this. I don't think throwing a "cherry bomb" into it at this point is helpful advice and I don't think every situation fits the same template. Like I said, I'm not proud of what I've done. I thought I was in love and met my true love at the wrong time. I should not have persued it, but it was like a drug that overtook my better sense. I've lost 75% of my life, I want to retain what is left. If the only answer I can get is judgement and lectures, it dosen't help and I would ask that anyone planning to do that not waste their time writing it. Just don't respond.

 

Maybe there IS no answer.

[JamesM]

I lost my practice and my W knows I did - she does not know why. I could not tell her it had something to do with another woman. She thinks it has do with bad accounting/partner disagreements etc.

 

Again - not proud of it.

 

Some of you asked how I know my wife would kill OW. I know because she said it. When she suspected, she said she would without a doubt go to jail over this. I did not persue. I know when she's not bluffing.

 

Maybe divorce is the answer - but there is alot involved. My wife does not ask questions anymore and is very happy. We have two families very intertwined that would also be devasted if we were to split.

 

If you have been able to keep the real loss of the practice from her...you are a good liar and can probably keep the affair from her. However, if it starts to eat away at you, you may want to reconsider.

 

If your wife would kill the OW, who is to say that she won't kill you?

 

Your wife is blissfully happy...now. Is there any possibility that someone may in the future leak out your secret?

 

You have two families woven together...is this your second or more marriage? If so, what happened with your first?

 

And as for others' criticism...expect it. One cannot come here and state that he had an affair and has lied to his wife and children...and NOT expect some anger from others who have been victimized in the same way. It is good for you to hear this side as well...even though I know from experience it makes you angry and hurt.

 

Good luck. We create messes but can never seem to clean them up. Been there done that.

[whichwayisup]

I lost my practice and my W knows I did - she does not know why. I could not tell her it had something to do with another woman. She thinks it has do with bad accounting/partner disagreements etc.

 

Sooner or later the truth will come out. People talk, gossip and you'd be better off owning up to it NOW, rather than having to tell her why you kept it hidden from her for so long when she hears it from someone else.

 

 

Some of you asked how I know my wife would kill OW. I know because she said it. When she suspected, she said she would without a doubt go to jail over this. I did not persue. I know when she's not bluffing.

She might kill you and the OW if she finds out from someone else. I mean, do you trust the OW 100%? Do you think she'll tell your wife the truth? What if she turns around and decides to go after you again and you say no. What if she reacts badly and makes a foolish decision to spill it all. Never say never. Just go read afew threads in this section and you'll see the emotional choices that are driven due to how MM are with their OW!

 

We have two families very intertwined that would also be devasted if we were to split.

 

I wish you had thought of this aspect before involving yourself with another woman. If you two divorce, don't blame your wife on this one. WHEN she finds out, and she will eventually, this type of lie you can't hold in forever, and seeing as the OW is the reason why you lost so much at your job, that sort of stuff eventually gets out.

 

Take some time, go talk to someone professional and sort this out. Make the decision with a smart thinking head, not one out of fear, and worry...

[FrogWart]

James/WhichWay:

 

Good advice and worth hearing. Thanks. I know I have a tough road to hoe, and perhaps my first stop should be individual counselling. These things are tough Man! I'm glad that there are sites like this out there because freinds/community/collegues etc cannot be spoken to about this stuff and you go insane thinking about this stuff by yourself.

 

I'll let you know of my progress. I'll log on again to advise.

 

Thanks again