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Autumns Genevieve

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Autumns Genevieve

Hi all,

 

Haven't posted much lately -- been working with my husband on this thing that happened at work, everything's going well, and we're plugging along fine. Getting along, talking, the whole deal. Remembering some of the things that helped us when we were in MC for his affair, mostly just making sure we communicate as much as possible. Things really are going well.

 

I haven't checked my email in several days, and when I did (on Saturday a.m.) there was a note from B. Unbelieveable. Unheard of. I sat back, stunned. Simplistic, nothing much to it, since it was sent to my main email address. He asked if he could send me a note, and made a little joke at the bottom about "obviously not this one". I noticed he sent it Friday while he was at work. Obviously, the work days are hard for him, too.

 

Finally, I replied (after sitting forever, trying to decide what I wanted to do, what I was willing to do, and what I wouldn't do) that yes, he could send me a note. I didn't run out and create a new email address for him so it'd be private - I gave him my business email and told him he could send one there.

 

Haven't heard a word from him. I'm beginning to think that it was all just a ploy. He has never, NEVER, ever come back when we've broken things off. Never. Not once, in 8 years. And now, he decides to email me after the nastiest fight we've ever had, and when I am truly convinced that it over for me? I feel like he's just setting a hook out there for me to get caught on. Something I wrote to him must have made a difference, because I just can't stress it enough -- HE NEVER COMES BACK.

 

Of course, without his writing me, I have no idea what he wants. He asked to send a note, there's nothing, so it could be something stupid or simple, having nothing to do with us. I can't imagine what else it could be, but the whole thing is perplexing.

 

Laptop battery is almost out. Let me just add - my feelings haven't changed for him. I'm still so over him, it's not even funny.

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Um, if you don't mind me saying so, it doesn't seem that you really are over him. If you were, then surely you wouldn't have replied? If it was something serious he wanted you to know, then he would have told you in the first email, not 'asked' if he could tell you.

 

I think it's a good idea giving him a 'public' email address to reply to, but only if it's one that you know is monitored by others. If it's only ever looked at by you, it's still 'private' and thus could still give him the impression he's got you. Maybe he hasn't written again because the first email was a ploy to see if you would reply...

 

I think if I were you, I would maintain a silence.

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Autumns Genevieve

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

No, I am over him. Really. I don't get into the whole 'hater aid' thing, so it's a real goal of mine to be able to part on good terms. Maybe for some, it sounds like an excuse - that's fine. I live my life, no one else does, and I know what it takes for me to be able to sleep at night. I spent eight years of my life caring for B, and I won't just tell him to f**k off just because. It's not me or who I am. Like I said though, I don't expect anyone to agree with me. Just do me a favor, and accept me for my faults as well as my strengths. I'm doing my best to work things out.

 

My business email is open and my husband has the password and everything. He often leaves me notes there about various things. Sometimes just to say hi. But he has the password - I gave it to him from the get-go - so if B needs to tell me something, then he can email me there. I'm pretty sure he, also, knows my husband has access to that account.

 

You know, we're all damaged from our hurts, so I don't expect a lot of sympathy from anyone about what I've done, or even what I've endured. But I think it would be great if we could point out the good things about our decisions. Some support would be beneficial. I know we need the hard love as well as the soft, but this site seems to have a lot more kicking people when they're down, than it does just a true air of welcoming and acceptance. I write this benignly as possible; it's not just the responses to my post, but others I've read.

 

For me, I didn't give B a private email to write me at. That is a big thing, for my situation. Our communication was 99% on email, back and forth, all day long, every single day almost. The fact that I didn't open that door, makes me feel good.

 

I also never said that I could just go from being an OW to a non-OW in a second, flat. I never did. I remember writing in my first post that I would stumble, I would fall, I would hurt, I would struggle. This has been hard, because a huge space in my life was filled by B. Now that's gone, but the space is still there, needing to be filled. I'm working on alternative means of filling it - just give me some time. Also, B has never, ever, contacted me or even seemed like he's wanted me back, when we've parted in the past. Now he's contacting me. I'm in somewhat unfamiliar territory. But again, give me a break. I'm wading through as best I can.

 

Some people can drop someone/thing and never look back, firm in their resolve. Others don't work that way. I'm not asking for total agreement with everything I think, write, post, say, but I am asking for a little support here. I kick myself around enough, I don't need to come to a site and get more of it on a constant basis. I'm here because I don't want to make mistakes again, like I did before. But I'm also a person who's been betrayed.

 

You know, if I weren't sure I was over him, I would have emailed him by now asking what he wanted. But I haven't. I've left him alone, and I'm hoping he does the same for me. But if he writes me with a real issue - something other than what was between us - you bet I'm going to respond. I don't throw away people. Especially the ones who are flawed the worst. I didn't throw away my husband after all the sh*t he put me through, and I won't throw away someone else - especially someone who was/ or is in my life. And I have eveyr intention of letting my husband know B has contacted me about something - if he does - because I know what secrecy breeds.

 

So, anyone else want to kick me around a bit? Go ahead. But I won't change my mind because an infedelity board - all suffering from either their own betrayals or their actions - deems me insincere or untruthful. I came here because I needed help. This isn't help. This is taking out personal frustrations for personal relief.

 

Sorry, Ripples and Touche. This isn't directly meant towards either of you. This is a build up of several days posts and reading other people's posts. I think the moderators here are pretty slack in enforcing the rules.

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WOW!

 

I didn't get any relief from posting my opinion nor did I unleash any "personal frustrations."

 

I have NO idea about your background. I was only responding to what you wrote in THIS post.

 

I still stand behind what I said. The rest of it, about not throwing people away, etc. sound like excuses to me. Sounds like you won't let go of him. Bad example to comapare this man to your husband. You didn't make VOWS with this man.

 

And I disagree with you about this site. I think if you REALLY look at it, and not with a jaundiced eye, you will see that it is VERY supportive.

 

You can't expect to only get ONE style of response on here you know. We're all individuals.

 

Oh and congratulations on giving the OM your "public" email address. I'm sure your husband will be very proud of you.

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Like Touché, I too, had no idea what your background is, neither do I have any personal frustrations or hurts that reflect your situation.

 

I can only offer my opinion based on your OP in this thread, which I feel would be of help to you if you were not still in denial. An example for you of this:- you say you will tell your husband that your OM has contacted you if he contacts you again as you know what secrecy breeds. But you haven't backed this up - you haven't told your husband about the original email.

 

Your response, I'm afraid, has only reinforced my opinion, like Touché I still believe what I orignally posted. It smacks a bit to much of "The lady doth protest too much", frankly.

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Ripples, I didn't read any of your original story.. but.

 

I have a friend to that "fills a whole". Sometimes we go for months without an email or phone call. I'm her OM now. It's been a long time since we have actually touched.

 

I fill a hole in her heart as well. I know it. When we get into contact, I try to spoil her a little. To let her know somebody loves her "that way". Nothing more because there is no more, anymore. I don't feel guilty about it, and I doubt she does either.

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All I can say is, if your H had OW and reverse the situation, I doubt very much you would want him in touch with her at all, especially if the marriage was being worked on. It's just not fair to do that to your husband.

 

B isn't part of your life anymore, so find it in your heart to say goodbye to him, and block his email. To keep intouch, even casually, because you can't close people out of your life, is only going to harm your husband and the progress of your marriage. Please think about that and put your husband's thoughts/feelings first. If B respected you, he wouldn't be contacting you at ALL seeing as you're with your husband.

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I agree. Your feelings about this or B's really need to take a back seat to your husband's feelings right now. I think this is an opportunity - and not too many come about in times like these. It's an opportunity to SHOW your husband you care with a rather grandiose gesture.

 

If I were you, I'd send an email to B, knowing your H will see it. And I would say that you're working on your marriage, that you love your H, that your H means more you than anything, and that you don't know what you were thinking to be involved with B because your H is ten times the man he is. Say it without anger - just say it in a matter of fact style.

 

THAT will go a long ways to speeding up the recovery for your husband.

 

All I can say is, if your H had OW and reverse the situation, I doubt very much you would want him in touch with her at all, especially if the marriage was being worked on. It's just not fair to do that to your husband.

 

B isn't part of your life anymore, so find it in your heart to say goodbye to him, and block his email. To keep intouch, even casually, because you can't close people out of your life, is only going to harm your husband and the progress of your marriage. Please think about that and put your husband's thoughts/feelings first. If B respected you, he wouldn't be contacting you at ALL seeing as you're with your husband.

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