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Is it possible it was just never meant to be?


Carol_1278

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[COLOR=black]I just want to start by saying thank you to everyone who posts on this board. I have read a lot of posts already and a lot of things are making more sense to me than they were previously.[/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black]I will start from the beginning (sorry, this will probably be long): I met my H when I was 18 (sophomore in college), he was also 18 but a freshman. We were friends for a year before he asked me out. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but he very much wanted to date me and I was quite flattered by the attention so I gave in. Within a month he professed his love for me, though it made me uncomfortable, I returned the gesture. We dated through college and had our share of issues - he lied a lot and I never showed him much respect. He has low self esteem and I never liked this, nor knew how to deal with it. I thought with time and maturing, his confidence would increase and make him more desirable to me He was my first (sex and relationship-wise), but while we were dating I had sex with someone else, as well as kissed basically whomever I pleased. He knew about a few of the people I kissed, but nothing more than that. I never told him about the intermittent affair because I was afraid to loose him, My sisters all got engaged and married right out of college and it was openly expressed to me that the same was expected of me. We got engaged shortly after college and were married about a year and a half later (almost 3 years ago). We had broken up a few times while dating (always by me), but we always got back together. He has always been very emotionally unstable and there were times I was actually scared for his well being. I always joked that I was the guy in the relationship and he was the girl because the typical roles were always reversed in our situation - he was clingy and overly affectionate, whereas i was embarrassed by that sort of thing and uncomfortable with it. I wrote some poetry in college and a lot of it was having to do with my betrayal and how he saw me as something so perfect, but I really was not. Fast forward to last summer....I started to doubt our marriage. I love him, but I am constantly forcing myself to "feel it" or play the part of being in love. I had what was an emotional affair last summer. I was very close to a male friend and I talked to him about everything. It was not physical, but it was not really appropriate for a married woman either. He came into the picture after H and I already started having issues. We went to counseling and the counselor said that though he likes to save marriages, he didn't see a lot of hope for things getting better for me in the future (my feelings that is). H and I seemed to progress pretty well through counseling nonetheless and decided to try and make things work. He worked a lot on his self esteem and I worked on being less judgmental. This summer I ran into an old friend. We hung out pretty innocently at first, but things progressed into a physical affair. We saw each other 3 times and decided that it was not a situation that either of us wanted to be in. The biggest issue I now face is once again trying to decide if there is anything between H and I. I want so badly to be in love with him and just be “head-over-heals”, but that has never been the case….I don’t know if it is my personality or our relationship that prevent that. I have such different ideas of what I desire in a man now than I did when I was 19 – hell, I am a completely different person in almost every sense of the word. I am starting to see a marriage counselor again next week and I anticipate that all of my past infidelities will have to come out. Am I looking at divorce as an easy way out or is it possible that maybe H and I just don’t really belong together, even as much as he thinks otherwise?[/COLOR]

 

Thanks for listening....

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So, let me get this straight- you're like 23 or 24??

 

Guess what? The guy you want at 23 or 24 isn't the guy you're going to want at 38 either, :lmao: .

 

Needs change over time and it's good if our mates can change with us.

 

Perhaps you're just young and made a mistake?? I believe that can happen. It happened to my H. He married young and they had nothing in common and it ended a year after it started.

 

But the wanting to feel "head over heels" is not reality. In reality there are bills to pay and kids to feed and home repairs to be done. You can still keep the romance alive yes, if both want to work on it but it doesn't sound like you want to.

 

If you don't then yes, it would be better to go ahead and divorce him so that you can both find someone else.

 

Before you do find someone else though, I suggest counseling for you alone. You need to find out why you feel like you "need" a man.

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Do you think your husband would have cheated on you and kiss anybody he liked while you were dating? Do you think your husband would have another sexual affair in your marriage behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's? My guess is probably not based on what you have written. Do you think the reason is no because he has too much respect for you and your marriage to humiliate and disrespect you this way? It is very sad that you clearly do not respect the man that married you. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

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sylviaguardian

Carol,

It is possible that it wasn't meant to be but in this case I would say that you have never allowed it to be.You have never really given your relationship a chance by refusing to committ yourself to your husband. When I read about people who seem to drift into something huge like a marriage I doubt some of the things that they are saying. Nobody just drifts into a marriage because their parents expected them to. These reasons that you have come up are post facto - they just back up the way you want to see things. I think it is more likely that you wanted to get married, you need your husband but you have a serious problem with committment and close relationships.

 

Let's review what you said - you felt uncomfortable when your husband told you he loved you, but you continued to date him. You dated him over a long period but made sure there was always a third person in the relationship. Despite all of this you were afraid to lose him. All these are classic signs of the emotionally unavailable person - google it or avoidant personality type. You want the security of the relationship but you can't handle the emotional involvement. Look at the things you have said about your husband - he has low self-esteem which makes him unattractive to you. Let me tell you, staying with an emotionally unavailable person for a long period would knock the self-esteem of anyone. You are basically saying to him that you want a relationship but then doing everything you can to distance yourself. It's confusing and hurtful. You have never really been in the relationship at all.

 

I know you are young and already married but ask yourself this: can you ever see yourself being happy with one person? Would you ever be comfortable with someone being down in the relationship? That's what happens in marriages - people support each other. You say he is clingy and over-affectionate and it makes you uncomfortable. What would he write about you? Cold? Distant? Impossible to connect with? What you seem to be most comfortable with is superficial relationships.

 

I really feel for your husband Carol. There is a much bigger issue going on here than his low self-esteem and you being judgemental. Sorry if I sound dramatic but there is a high price to pay for being avoidant like you, and the price is usually paid by other people. Not once have mentioned guilt, shame or even empathy for your husband when in fact you have treated him with utter callousness. That's worrying. Quit blaming him and look to yourself.

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Do you think your husband would have cheated on you and kiss anybody he liked while you were dating? Do you think your husband would have another sexual affair in your marriage behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's? My guess is probably not based on what you have written. Do you think the reason is no because he has too much respect for you and your marriage to humiliate and disrespect you this way? It is very sad that you clearly do not respect the man that married you. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

Please what she wrote before your stone:

 

We dated through college and had our share of issues - he lied a lot...

 

Please tell me since when LYING was considered responsible and respectful. Furthermore, It's hard to have respect for someone who emotionally blackmails people they supposedly love.

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