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My husband is addicted to strippers and obsessed by one


KajKitty

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I've read some other threads on here and felt like there's some good people here, who could help me and offer some advice. I don't know the best place to post this, as he's not had sex, but does seem to act in love with one of them, to an extent that it feels like he is cheating.

 

I'm 37 and my husband is 36. We've been together 9 years and married for just over 4. We're both fit and attractive and a bit alternative. We've done the goth/fetish scene for years and have seen erotic shows. I've even gone with him to some strip bars. I've even stripped for him, and he loved it. I dress up in fetish heels for him and am creative sexually. He is happy with our sex life, but doesn't have a big sex drive himself.

 

In January this year I asked him to go away with me for Valentines. He said no. I freaked out and lots of crying followed. Since then, things just seemed to get progressively worse, and I found that he was lying to me a lot, and seemingly more daily. He was always out "shopping", but never coming home with anything. He was cutting down on his belongings and took an increased interest in his appearance - and started looking even better. All through this, I kept catching him lying more and more.

 

First I found 3 bottles of phemone spray designed to attract women sexually. I confronted him and he said he'd had them for years, but I found the receipts for January.

 

I kept finding out other things. Finally, I found his journal. It had hardly anything about me in it, but loads about him going to strip bars. He went alone and during lunch, after work, left work early to go, went on weekends, snatched time before he was supposed to meet me etc. At least a few times a week. He wrote down all the names of all the girls and all the stip bars but one name kept coming up again and again.

 

He missed her when we were on holiday. He loved her amazing smile. He loved her private dances. He loved what she told him. She's Brazillian, and he started learning to speak Brazillian Portuguese. He lied to me about studying, and then just said he felt like it. He learned how to say Happy Anniversary to her in Portuguese for their one year anniversary in April, while "forgetting" ours two weeks later. From his journal I discovered he's spent our last two anniversaries at the strip bar with her. He even sent her flowers for her birthday when he's not doing this for me.

 

I confronted him about this two days ago, with the intent to divorce him. I couldn't go through with the divorce. He cried a lot. I cried. He said I was his best friend, and that he was going to the strip bars for the friendship he found there. He knew he was paying these women to talk to him. He says this particular stripper is just a very good friend, but I've found an email to her that he signs off "hugs and kisses". He says she's only emailed once (I can see it's about 3 times), but he says they're not otherwise in touch, and he's never had sex with her, and wouldn't think to. He'd never celebrate Valentines with her, he says. He barely does anything for me however.

 

He says he feels very lonely and alone. He doesn't have other friends anymore other than friends of mine, but hasn't tried to make them, and hasn't kept up with his old friends, even though I'm happy for him to do so. He says he doesn't know how to relate to other people. He says that he can't see beauty in anything, except beautiful women.

 

He's unhappy with everything. His life, his job. He says it's not about me, but then says I'm demanding. I don't think I am - we're quite independent - I have my hobbies which take up time so that gives him time for his hobbies too, and space. I do however expect to be treated with respect. He says that there's huge pressure having to do things for anniversaries and Valentines and birthdays. But he used to do amazing things, and he does things for her. He alluded that it's because she makes him happy, and I don't because he feels pressured to make me happy. Also, if I'm stressed with work, he takes it personally, even though I'm not stressed with him. He says he's very sensitive but hides his feelings. Of course, if he hides his feelings I can't help.

 

I tell him a lot that he's attractive and smart and sexy, but it's not enough.

 

I told him he has to make a choice. Me or them. I'm quite liberal, but he's really taken the piss and really hurt me here.

 

I don't know whether to divorce him now or try to help him through this. He still refuses to admit that he's got an addiction, even though he's spending at least £2500-£5000 per year (assuming £50-100 per week). He said I ruined his plan. He says he was cutting back, as she's moving permanently back to Brazil next February. I think he's rationalising. He also put together a website on Flickr that had photos of our holiday together, but just the ones of him taking a picture of himself, none of me, and he says "I did this..." as opposed to "We did this..." and he gave the URL of this website to the stripper to look at. I'm convinced he did this to look single. He raionalises.

 

Help, please.

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Well hell yeah you're hurt. He is CHEATING! Don't lie to yourself and think he hasn't done anything sexual with her. PRIVATE dances.... c'mon. you know better. Deep in your heart you know this is WRONG. Know this is CHEATING. I have guy friends who've gone to strip clubs for years and every guy I know who has divulges to me the sexual goings on that happen.

 

But, if you guys are "open" to that it's fine, it's your perogative. Are you open to him being into other women? Having sex with other women? That's what you invite when you take your man to strip clubs. It's like an open invitation, a precursor to an open relationship. You've pretty much given him lisence to be into other women. If you take it there you better be willing to share your man and possibly lose him. I've had LOTS of guy friends be given the "rub down" or a bow job or finger and fondal the girls. It's common. That's what happens. And it's common for men to become what they feel is "in love" with one.

 

What are your limits?

 

If you want a man to be just into you you're probably never gonna find it with him. He's still single at heart.

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Your husband is feeding you a line of crap. He seems to be sexually addicted to this woman and these strip joints. He conatantly lies to you and is spending money on them. His comment that he feels great pressure to get you something for your anniversary and birthday is such a bunch of bull. How often do they come around?

 

I suggest contacting an attorney and stop wasting your life on this guy. Learning a different language for his stripper girlfriend?......How pathetic he is. You deserve better. See an attorney.

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superconductor

Few occupations are better at manipulating customers than car salespeople, investment counsellors and strippers.

 

Your hub has fallen for this woman and is being sucked into some fantasy-land, fuelled by beer and the promise of something that will never come to fruition.

 

He needs counselling. You need to separate yourself, at least financially, for a while until he can get a handle on this.

 

In my younger days, I used to go to the occasional strip bar, but for some reason the fantasy always ended as soon as I left the parking lot. I don't know why your man would keep it alive once he leaves the place unless he's either easily manipulated, the stripper is cooing all sorts of naughty promises to him, or some combination of both.

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He's unhappy with everything. His life, his job. He says it's not about me, but then says I'm demanding. I don't think I am - we're quite independent - I have my hobbies which take up time so that gives him time for his hobbies too, and space. I do however expect to be treated with respect. He says that there's huge pressure having to do things for anniversaries and Valentines and birthdays. But he used to do amazing things, and he does things for her. He alluded that it's because she makes him happy, and I don't because he feels pressured to make me happy. Also, if I'm stressed with work, he takes it personally, even though I'm not stressed with him. He says he's very sensitive but hides his feelings. Of course, if he hides his feelings I can't help.

 

A sad story about a man who has it all, and is willing to forsake it all for the cheap thrill of pleasure.

 

That paragraph about sums up what my thoughts are. He is bored with life and everything/everyone in it. This stripper and her world provides excitement and thrills that help him escape his "boring" life. Yes, I totally understand, but as superconductor said the fantasy should be left in the parking lot. And personally, I haven't been able to buy into the fantasy. But your husband is different. And let's not forget that she pleases him...he doesn't have to work for his thrill...he just has to pay for it. (By the way, how can you two afford his "hobby?")

 

Of course, he will say that he loves you. Of course, he cries. But that is part of the fantasy. The secret life is what makes it so tantalizing. Good grief! If you go to strip clubs with him, why would he want to go alone? Because he wants this life that he (supposedly) alone knows about. Whether she is into him doesn't really matter. He has built up a fantasy around her.

 

Will he change? Only if he is willing to ..go to counselling and tell you where he is EVERY minute of the day. And if he is willing to spend as much time with you when he can to rebuild your trust. And if he is willing to have a cell phone so that you can call him at any moment. What?!? he wants some privacy? Nope, he forsake that when he proved he cannot be trusted. If he can do all of the above, then there is hope for you. Otherwise...

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My husband became addicted to strip clubs and a "certain" stripper and basically gave her our life savings.(this was all behind my back and I have posted on another thread regarding this) He definitely was obsessed with this one stripper and thus, became addicted to a lifestyle that is and will not be in my future plans. He now claims they did not have intercourse, but everything short of that. I no longer know nor care. Well, lets just say, they rang up an awful lot of hotel room bills for just the "other". Although, I do think, as does the counselor, she was a pro and she very well got what she wanted from my H without having to have actual intercourse. I agree with the post that you need to separate yourself financially. I would do that first. Check it all out thorougly, it took me months to find out the total amount. Which still leaves me heartsick and in disbelief.

 

JamesM makes a good point when he says that the secret life is part of the fantasy. My husband had a secret life and now that it isn't so secret he cries and whines and wants to come home. Supposedly, they do not see each other, she was just out for the money and not him and he can no longer give her the money. My whole issue is the trust. Not just in what I perceive or relate to be an affair, but the whole financial aspect too . Do I just get back because of my kids and I want to be a family again? I am heartbroken, I know you are too, I wish I had better words of wisdom. I honestly feel that in my situation my husband will just find another "addiction" or "stripper" and maybe after living in this marriage for 15 years and not knowing who he really was or is, I am better off. God Bless you and my prayers are with you!!!!!

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