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Getting over emotional affair


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Ok, I'll try to be brief in describing whats been going on. I've been married for about 2 years, and we are happily married. Really. We have our ups and downs, but in truth is been mostly ups. My wife is also pregnant which I am excited for. Marriage has been good but life has been rough the past year or so for me. I've been unemployed for most of the past year, despite some temp work and part time jobs. So, naturally, my self esteem has been down the tubes.

 

Alright, fast forward to this week. I'm online, just wasting some time during the day. An old friend, a female, IMs me. Actually, she was an on-again off-again girlfriend years ago, the last girl I dated before my wife. We never were really serious because of her age (she was a freshman in college, I a senior) and she was dealing with a lot of stuff then. But we were friends, occasionally emailing but never really talking much in the past 4 years. She IMs me, tells me about her life. She is married now as well, and we talk just like friends, nothing serious.

 

Next day, she IMs me again, same thing. We're talking, then we start reminscing about the past. Finally, she drops a bombshell that she still has feelings for me. Problem was, i still had feelings for her too. So, our conversation just kinda took off.

 

That was Wednesday. We talked online and on the phone wed, thurs, and friday. We probably spent about 8 hours on the phone, another 8 maybe online. During the conversations, we realized that we couldnt leave our spouses or even have a sexual encounter, but boy did we want to. Fortunately, she lives 6 hours away, or it might have been more of a possibility (it still would be a possibility, cause her sister lives about a mile away from me). But, right away we knew it wasnt right to even be talking or thinking like this. We knew that is was wrong even to have the emotional affair going on for months and months, but we still were conflicted because it felt pretty darn good.

 

Finally, we just had to realize that we couldnt continue, and yesterday finally had to say enough. It was mutual, but we both love our spouses and didnt want to put that in jeapordy. I dont know where we will go from here. I want to still be friends (yes i know, its best to cut off all contact, but honestly I dont want that).

 

Ok, thats the situation. I guess my first question is "Was this an emotional affair?" It was very quick, and we knew it was wrong and cut it off. But there still were a lot of emotional attachments that were highly inappropriate. We both said that we loved each other (or still loved each other), and we had some highly sexual conversations. I certainly wouldnt want my wife to have overheard the conversations.

 

And, my second question is "How do I get over this?" I guess you could say we "broke up" yesterday, and it feels like it. I feel like I've lost something really special, and it hurts. How do I get past these feelings and go on with my marriage? 4 days ago, I was happily married and things were going great. Now, I have so many conflicting things going on in my head. I didnt ask for this but now I have to work through it. So, any advice and help you all could give would be great.

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LakesideDream

In my mind your emailing does not constitute an "emotional affair". It was born out of boredom and immaturity.

 

You get over it by not doing it anymore. This can be as easy as filling your emails with her with details of your happy home life and marital bliss.

 

If you are lucky she will get the hint and friendly conversation will follow with deminishing frequency.

 

Or, if you are not up for that, just go the apology for being immature email including a statement of no further contact.

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superconductor

No contact.

 

No excuses, no "final fare-thee-wells," no explanations, no nothing.

 

You owe it to your SO and to yourself.

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I'm in agreement with LakesideDream. What you have with this woman is something borne out of boredom.

 

Emotional affairs are 'affairs of the heart'. Very loving and very deep and the bond that two people share in a real 'emotional affair' is unbreakable.

 

You say that you had nothing serious going with this woman years ago, you've kept in contact as friends occasionally, then suddenly and four days ago, you both confess to having feelings for one another.

 

Sorry, but if you two had any kind of feeling for one another, you'd have confessed it long before now. I think that you are both just bored and both looking for some 'on the side' action. No doubt your ego has recieved a great big boost also....feels good huh?

 

The solution is, is to cut off all contact. After only four days, I would imagine that would be easy enough to do.

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whichwayisup

You two opened a can of worms that never should have been opened and discussed. But, now that it's out in the open, you have to say goodbye. You can't be friends with her because she's your past - And you renewed feelings for her - Very dangerous for your marriage.

 

Look at it this way - DO you really want to lose your wife and child over a past flame who got your attention? Remember, there's a reason why you two split up many years ago......

 

Take her off your IM list, the lines have been crossed so much in 4 days, it will be impossible to just go back like nothing happened. This woman serves NO purpose in your present life....She can only do harm to your marriage. Could you imagine if her husband and your wife stumbled across your conversations or emails? Overheard on the phone? Other thing is, what if (and I'm stretching here) your old friend has flirted with other men of her past, and her hubby was suspicious enough to install a keylogger without her knowledge.......You know where I'm going with this.

 

You don't know this woman like you used to. YOu don't know her life or who she really is anymore...Though, you know your wife....

 

Imagine your wife having those conversations with another man, an ex. Don't ya think you'd be incredibly hurt and jealous? Mad? I think so...

 

Don't mean this harshly, but stop being so selfish! Think of your baby! Think of your wife! Yes, I completely understand losing a job, losing self confidence, not feeling happy but that's not a reason to allow yourself to cross the lines, have inappropriate discussions with another woman...Be strong and don't let it happen again. You have more self control than you realize, you just have to not give in to the sexual attraction/lust feelings she brought out in you.

 

End it now, save yourself the heartache.

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Oh buddy, you're playing with fire here! Do NOT keep in contact with her, even though you say you want to remain "friends." It ain't gonna happen. There will be another time when one, or both you, are bored or unhappy or whatever, and you'll slide down that slippery slope again. Its just not worth it.

 

I DON'T think what you did constitutes an 'emotional affair' (my H was an active participant in one, so I am familiar). It was more like a momentary lapse of judgement, temporary insanity, or acute stupidity. Its done and over with, leave it alone. You already know what 'could've happened.'

 

The short-term 'fun' you could have today would result in long-term regret.

 

EA's usually last more than just a few days, with a more serious emotional attachment formed from the sharing of feelings, thoughts, day-to-day stuff, etc. It is always hidden from the spouse, and the participants 'know' what they're doing is wrong (hence the deceit).

 

DON'T do to your wife what my H chose to do to me. The wreckage is just not worth it. Focus your energy on making the best life possible for your family, and remember how important your wife "is" to you each and every day. Don't show her that you have no respect for her by engaging in 'thrilling' chat with an old flame.

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EA's usually last more than just a few days, with a more serious emotional attachment formed from the sharing of feelings, thoughts, day-to-day stuff, etc.

 

I and my ex had an emotional attachment, that spanned 20 years. Six years spemt together and still emotionally entangled, for the 14 years we were apart. Back then ours was a serious relationship and it broke my heart when we seperated, I never got over him. He didn't get over me either it would seem, for years after we'd parted the ways, he came looking for me. He was married, I was going through a divorce. He said he still loved me and had thought about me for the 14 years apart. I still loved him too.

 

We began emailing, caught up on things, then the reminiscing of the past began, old feelings that had merely lain dormant for years, began stirring once more and we both knew it was wrong, so it went no further. We parted the ways once more and that was some time ago now.

 

So if we could part the ways with a 20 year history behind us and a history that was SERIOUS and meant something, then I'm sure these two can after four days. But then there are some selfish people around, who think only of themselves.

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An emotional affair is ANY KIND of sharing that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about. Do you want your spouse to know about what you did? Then yes, it was an emotional affair. Was it born out of boredom? Yes. My H's EA was also an on-line/e-mail EA born out of boredom (and anger). That didn't make it less hurtful to me.

 

No Contact is what is required. If you want to keep contact with your old girlfriend, then do you want to do it without the knowledge of your wife? And since I believe the answer to that question is probably yes, then how would you feel if your wife was in contact with an old boyfriend without your knowledge?

 

By the way, how did she come up with your ID, so that she could just begin IM with you?

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