Jump to content

Husband had an affair


Recommended Posts

I will give u a quick breakdown. Married 12 yrs, 2 children. June 29th of last year(05) the sh*t hit the fan. My H tells me he is haveing an affair and he never intended on me finding out. OW wanted my H to leave me but H wouldn't. OW was trying to get out of her marriage. OW threatened to tell me about the A so my H comes clean and tells me. H was with this OW for 5 months. OW was a co-worker and come to find out my H has had 2 other ONS with co-workers that my H told me about because the OW threatened to tell me about. I never knew any of this was going on. I have lost alot of faith and my feelings have changed for my H. Prior to the A I thought our marriage was great. My H used to work the night shift so it made it easier for him to F*ck around. We are trying to reconcile but I am haveing a hard time getting those loving feelings back. I guess I am still angry. My H has been very remorsefull and takes full responsibility for his actions. H claims he was feeling old (only 40 yrs old) and that it felt good to have someone interested in him (u know that first time being with someone feeling). We have been going to MC and IC and we are both trying. It just feels kind of flat to me u know that feeling of is this all that there is ! I wonder if I know who my H really is? I used to look at him with such admiration before and now I wonder who the hell is this man? He has changed me alot. Will I ever feel the same for him? I still think about the affair alot how do I get it out of my head? Any advise will help.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The best advice I have seen is from Willard Harley. He has books and a website talking about "After the Affair". Some marriages do recover from this. It's good that your H is taking full responsibility and showing remorse. He can't be in the doghouse, but you both need to make major efforts to rebuild your marriage if you want it to continue. Be prepared for 1-2 YEARS of anger, despair, distrust, etc. Actually I don't think the above feelings will ever fully go away, but they will not be all-consuming after time passes, AS LONG AS you both take the proper steps and do a great job on them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
silktricks

I don't know if you will ever truly feel the same for him. You may feel better towards him than you used to. You may never look at him with the same level of admiration, as now you know that he has feet of clay (as we all do). You are obviously in a tremendous amount of pain.

 

The fact that your husband told you is good. The fact that he told you because the OW threatened him is not so good.

 

The fact that he is taking total responsibility for his actions is truly excellent however.

 

Whether or not you can get past this to find true love with him again will be up to him mostly, and somewhat to you. First, do you want to? If you really want to feel the love again, then he will need to support you totally while you go through some really horrible pain and grief.

 

You will be on a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes you will hate him, sometimes you will love him. Sometimes you will hate her. Sometimes you will hate yourself, your life, your family and everything you know. But there is life on the other side, and there can be a great deal of happiness there too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

for your reply's. I guess I struggle alot with knowing all of the details and things that where said too the OW. My H states he said these things to her just so he could keep getting sex from her. The OW got pregnent after the 1st time they had sex but she had an abortion because she didn't know if it was my H's or her H's. Maybe I would of been better off not knowing all of the details because it makes me wonder if he is telling me the truth when he says the same things to me? I guess my H told her that I didn't deserve what he was doing to me. That I was a good wife blah, blah, blah,(OW confirmed this because I met with the both of them together after the 2nd D-day) Well if I was so good why the f#ck did he have an A? And how can I believe that it will never happen again? My H FOW's husband left her and filed for D because she is a serial cheater. In August it will be a year from the 2nd D-day and I still find myself stuggling not as bad but it is still there. I have often thought about doing this to him but I just don't have it in me. My kids keep me going otherwise I think I might have left. Thank you for listening to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
lovernotafighter
for your reply's. I guess I struggle alot with knowing all of the details and things that where said too the OW. My H states he said these things to her just so he could keep getting sex from her. The OW got pregnent after the 1st time they had sex but she had an abortion because she didn't know if it was my H's or her H's. Maybe I would of been better off not knowing all of the details because it makes me wonder if he is telling me the truth when he says the same things to me? I guess my H told her that I didn't deserve what he was doing to me. That I was a good wife blah, blah, blah,(OW confirmed this because I met with the both of them together after the 2nd D-day) Well if I was so good why the f#ck did he have an A? And how can I believe that it will never happen again? My H FOW's husband left her and filed for D because she is a serial cheater. In August it will be a year from the 2nd D-day and I still find myself stuggling not as bad but it is still there. I have often thought about doing this to him but I just don't have it in me. My kids keep me going otherwise I think I might have left. Thank you for listening to me.

 

what kind of things...did he tell her he was in love with her?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes the anger never goes away. My EXW and I tried to make it work for several years after I had one and finally she packed it in. Some discussions we have had over the past year since we separated seemed like it was just yesterday not 6 years ago.

 

It is tough when you loose the trust in someone who is suppost to protect you.

 

I guess what you have to ask yourself is if the OW didn't threaten to expose him would you ever know. In otherwords did he tell you out of respect for you or fear of you finding out a different more colorful version of the story from the OW?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

lovernotafighter: My H told the OW that he loved her. I am not sure if he was in love with OW.(I never asked that ?) My H told me that he just said that to her because he felt he had to because he was f$cking her.

 

guysimple: I have asked my H this and he told me that I never would of been told about his A. The only reason my H told me is because the FOW's husband busted her and she wasn't going down alone. My H was trying to break it off with her the last 4 weeks of there A but she kept crying and getting upset so I guess he felt bad for her. This was my H secret life and I feel that if he didn't get busted he would still be screwing all kinds of other women, mind you he never used protection so he was exposeing me to all sort of disease's. Thank God I never got one we have both been tested.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bullhunter
[]My H told the OW that he loved her. I am not sure if he was in love with OW.(I never asked that ?) My H told me that he just said that to her because he felt he had to because he was f$cking her.

This is probably true. We men do have a tendency to tell women what we think they want to hear. If telling a lot of lies, then it becomes easy.

 

 

This was my H secret life and I feel that if he didn't get busted he would still be screwing all kinds of other women, mind you he never used protection so he was exposeing me to all sort of disease's. Thank God I never got one we have both been tested.

 

was he do this with a lot of women or just this one? If a lot, it sounds like he too is a serial cheater and will probably not stop now. If just one, then it's a different story.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Forgive me for saying so but this must be some guy, in all other marriage respects, for you to put up with what he has done and how he thinks. One affair with remorse is forgivable, several times with what seems like no remorse is degrading in my opinion.

 

Sorry for being so blunt.

Link to post
Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed

I can feel your pain. I was also blind-sided and didn't know anything until he told me. However, looking back now I can see where the signs were that I missed. Not signs of him having an affair, but signs of him needing more from me than I was giving him.

 

It has been a year since I found out about his EA. However, we have come a long way from back then and we both know that we are closer and better than we have ever been before. In a way, I think it was because I placed him on a pedastel (sp?). When he fell, I realized he was just as human as I was. That isn't to say that I don't ever feel the anger or resentment build up, because I do. But instead of being a daily circle for me, it might come on about every two, three months.

 

When I have these feelings I don't immediately tell him only b/c I don't want to continually rehash the past and I hope they will just go away on their own. But, within a day or two, and with his repeated asking of what is wrong, my thoughts come out and, he does what he needs to do to get me out of my funk.

 

I have to say though that ONE TIME I will forgive. Knowing that I can't control his actions, only my own I will do all that is in my power to make sure it doesn't happen again, or that I don't miss where he is not getting enough from me emotionally. If he were to cheat again, ever, it will be over. My H told me without threat from the OW ... he told me out of respect for me and because he needed to talk and I was/am his bestfriend. Sometimes, yeah, I wish that he wouldn't have told me everything because those statements get replayed back in my head from time-to-time.

 

Knowing that your H had several affairs and only told you out of threat from the OW, in addition to him not using protection, I feel you really need to decide for yourself if, in fact, you can ever trust him again. While betrayal in any form cuts deep, you have to be the one to decide if you can heal. Just because you decided to try to work it out a year ago, doesn't mean you have to stay with him now, if you are thinking this isn't the life you want. Even if he is doing all that he can to make things right, sometimes doing everything you think you should be doing isn't enough to heal.

 

Because you have the knowledge of his past affairs, you will never get them out of your head. Sometimes it might be months before you even think of them. But, if you are constantly thinking about them and a day or two doesn't go by where it doesn't even enter your head, and you are already going to MC and IC, then maybe you need to start thinking about what it is that you really want out of your life. Either he isn't doing all that he really can/should be doing, or you might just be one of the ones that can't forgive/forget ... as much as you would like to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

bullhunter: There have been 3 women but I didn't find out about the other 2 (ONS) until my husband told me about this last one. My husband told OW #3 about the other 2 because she had asked him if he had ever been with someone else before. The OW was threatening him that she was gonna tell me about the other 2 so he had to confess.

 

 

guysimple

I guess what you have to ask yourself is if the OW didn't threaten to expose him would you ever know. In otherwords did he tell you out of respect for you or fear of you finding out a different more colorful version of the story from the OW?

 

I asked my H last night about this and he stated that if the OW wasn't going to tell me that he probably wouldn't of either. So I asked if you didn't get busted would you still be messing around and he said there would be a good chance that he would have. He also stated that he would never do this again because he doesn't want to loose his family and that it isn't cool to mess around on your wife. My H has seen the devastation this has caused me and I am hopeing that there will be no more affairs but how will I ever know? I have absolutely no trust in him right now. I hope it gets better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed

IMO - trust can come in two different forms. One of those forms is BLIND TRUST. Blind trust, to me, means that bad things (an affair) can't happen to you because you think your marriage, while not perfect, is great. It can mean that you have no reason to fear they will hurt you because you don't have knowledge that contridicts that.

 

Now that you have lost that blind trust you are no longer walking around with blinders on. You look more closely for ANY sign that something is going on again. You interpet things that he may say, or do, in a different way that he meant for you to. You may, or may not question him about them. If you do, you clear the air up quickly, if you don't you let those thoughts just eat away at you until you just can't think about anything else.

 

However, (and here I am just making assumptions based upon the fact your married and have kids) you do trust him to continue to work and support you and your kids; you trust him with your kids; you trust his driving; etc., etc.

 

You can't sit there and keep wondering when are these thoughts and feelings going to go away because doing so only increases them. You made a decision a year ago to stay with him. Doesn't mean that you have to if you have found that you can't accept that he is no longer the person you thought he was. But then again, maybe you can accept him now, knowing all of his faults, as long as he is doing everything he can. Sometimes that is where the marriages that survive an affair are strongly than they were before ... everything is on the table, and you accept each other as is, faults and all. BUT, you are more aware that no matter how good a marriage is, it is suseptible (sp?) to an affair if major emotional needs are not met. There is a book both of you should read called His Needs/Her Needs. At the end of each chapter is some things for both of you to do. Read the book and do those things. It will make both of you more aware of eachothers top emotional needs. As long as you are meeting his, and he yours, the desire for an affair will ultimately go away and you won't worry about it.

 

It seems that you keep bringing it up to your H. At this point in time, a year later, you need to make a change. As long as your husband knows you don't trust him, and the longer it goes on, eventually he will probably think, hell, I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.

 

Don't bring it up anymore. Let it go. Stop beating a dead horse. Go out and take care of yourself. Get a membership at a gym, make sure you do your hair, make-up, etc. Anything that makes YOU feel good about yourself. I know how hard that is to do. But think about it, if you are feeling good you are probably looking good and you will have a better outlook on life. Believe me, he will notice. Have great conversations with him, fun times and enjoy life, together.

 

As long as all of this simmers under the surface, you can't be happy, you may fake it, but I bet he can FEEL you aren't happy. Would you want to come home to a person that isn't happy? Would you constantly want to be reminded of mistakes that you made where the end result was that you hurt someone you love?

 

Make time he spends with you happy. Of course, he has to do his part as well. But, read the book. Have him read the book. Participate in the excersises. Believe me, you will both get a better understanding of each other. After all, while recovering from an affair is painful and long and drawn out, the desired end result is that you are both happier and better than ever before. Why not make that start now instead of dwelling on what could, or couldn't happen. You can't control him. You can only control yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

strivingtosucceed: thank you for those encourageing words I suppose I am in a funk right now and sometimes it is hard to think of other things. It has been awhile since I went to IC so I just made an appt. You are right I do need to start doing things for myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed

I understand the funk ... I get that way about once every two/three months. I can't wait till I reach five/six months and then hopefully once a year, or better yet ... NEVER!

 

Keep talking and expressing your feelings here where you can rehash all you want. But just remember the desired end result and go for it now, don't wait for it. Make it happen yourself. You can do it as long as you put your mind to it. You are stronger than you think.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Striving and HurtsoBad - it's been two years for me now. I still get a little blue once in a great while, but usually it's because I've been blue over something else, and it just kinda all rolls up together. Hang in there.

 

HSB, Striving is right, you are stronger than you think you are. Just keep talking things out with you husband. It sounds like he's put you through a lot, but hopefully he's learned a significant lesson, and it really will never happen again. He does know now that he can't just play you and other women, and that's a step that some men never reach.

 

hugs to you both ((((((( )))))))))

Link to post
Share on other sites
StrivingtoSucceed

Back at you Silk! I'm glad to hear how things are also going well for you and your husband. Takes time, but it is so worth the effort when you realize the marriage was strong enough to survive and even become better!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...