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how do I forgive?


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OK....EA confirmed. Wife came clean. Admitted a 1 time PA. Confessed to all and sincerely feels terrible and wants to work at it.

 

What do I do? I'm pissed. I know the right thing to do is try to forgive. How do I do that?

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You do nothing except allow her to earn your trust back. Once the trust starts to return, the forgiveness will follow.

 

First, allow yourself TIME......I have been nearly two years. Some trust has been re established, but forgiveness, that is yet to come. I believe it comes slowly a bit at a time as the trust returns to the relationship a little at a time.

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reservoirdog1

The right thing to do is try to forgive... WHEN YOU'RE READY. Sounds like you've only just learned the truth. That's far too soon for you think about forgiveness.

 

Your wife has massively betrayed your trust and put a huge stain on your marriage. She now has a lot of work to do: she has to repair the damage she did.

 

She needs to bend over backwards to find out why she did what she did and how to ensure it never happens again. To do that, she needs to answer all of your questions, and commit to counselling (both with you and on her own).

 

She needs to work her ass off to regain your trust. Remember what somebody said: "trust takes years to build, and seconds to destroy." She needs to make herself accountable to you, 24/7. She needs to give you unlimited access to her email, cell phone records, and internet history. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. She needs to do those things without an expectation of "privacy".

 

And, most importantly, from this point forward, the OM must be persona non grata. The most contact she can have with him from now on is a letter, telling him to not contact her again -- which you get to read and watch her send. She must be made to understand that any future contact that she initiates is a dealbreaker, and that any initiated by him is to be disclosed to you immediately.

 

Effectively, she's on probation. How much willingness she displays to do this BASIC work to repair the marriage and regain your trust will determine her entitlement to your forgiveness.

 

Never lose sight of who wronged who here. If she's serious about repairing the damage she's done, she must be willing to spend the rest of her life making it up to you. Which sounds like labour, but it doesn't have to be -- if done right, it can be a lot of fun. It really means dedicating herself, honestly and completely, to you and to the marriage.

 

Anything less than what I've outlined here is a half measure, and therefore should be unacceptable to you.

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thank you so much!!! She did place a no contact call earlier this week. So far, he's tried to call a few times, but she has ignored it. She says she is willing to do exactly what you laid out, so I am hopeful. I've got a variety of emotions now, and I'm not sure what to do w/ them. I don't want to say or do anything now that I'll regret later, but I do want to give her a chance to regain my trust. i guess the only advice you all can give is to take it day by day. Any thoughts any one has on dealing internally w/ the pain or the trust, or even sexual issues.....I'd sure appreciate it.

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Hello,

 

Sorry you had to find out the bad news. Hopefully she is telling you the truth but so often when a cheating spouse says they only had sex one time it turns out that it simply was not so. I would insist that the both of you be checked for STD's. Yes it is embarassing but these are the consequences to adultry. The question you have to ask is why she was willing to risk her marriage, willing to risk her health and your health for STD's and willing to inflict so much humiliation and disrespect on her husband? I have to ask but did she feel she could cheat on you and if caught you would still forgive her? I am wondering if she totally believed that you would have divorced her if she ever cheated, do you think she still would have cheated on you? I wish you luck.

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