Strange "intentions" or I am reading too much into it?

[Guest]

The background is that my wife got to know a guy through her part time school 8 months back (we were not married yet). They started going out but she decided to break all contacts before things went out of control.

 

I found this out only 2 months ago by accident (after we got married) and confronted her about this. Her story was that she said she felt swayed by that guy so decided to stop all contact since she still wanted to be with me. She claimed that the only thing they did was only to hold hands although I was not sure since I saw the messages from the guy saying that he wanted to "eat" her. She has been very firm that she did not betray me to that extent and she said she would have left me if she had done it with him.

 

I have since forgiven her about that matter but have been on high alert. The story move to the present that she has a co-worker (in the same team) in her previous job that they got along very well. She has left the job about 2 months back and currently is taking things easy since she is 5 months into her pregnancy.

 

Also I need to add that my wife is a person who keeps things to herself. She has the tendancy to filter out certain things she tell me for motivations known to her only.

 

As I have been on high alert, I snooped on her sometimes. I knew I should not but I do not know what kind of person I am into. I know this sounded crazy but the fact is that she is currently pregnant and also we are already married.

 

I have found out that around once /twice a week, the co-worker maintained contact with her via email or mobile texts. I kept things quiet since they appear to be talking more about office stuff. 2 weeks back he called her up on her mobile and they spoke for more than an hour. Naturally I did not feel very comfortable about this but I let it go. The thing that triggered me to be very upset was that she maintained that all this while since she has left the job, they had only email each other twice whereas actually there must be more than 10 going around. Obviously I could not confront her since I did not want to let her know that I was watching her.

 

The event put me on even higher alert. A few events have made me wonder her intention.

 

1. He told her that he went for dinner with some co-workers at some location. In her reply, she mentioned about posh restaurant in that area that she was aware of and provided him with the URL. Said that this restaurant is slightly on the high side so she uses it for special occasions like birthdays/anniversaries only. The puzzling thing is that she search for this restaurant from some general search page before replying to him with the URL. I am very sure she does not know of this restaurant before.

 

2. She received some fruits from her mum who sent from another state. Happened that that weekend he went to another state to visit his girlfriend (yes he has one so that's what she told me). He mentioned about him away for the weekend to an email to her before he left. In her reply, she mentioned that because he was away, she could not sent some of the fruits to him. If she receive the fruits again, she will be sure to send some to him.

 

3. In the same email to him, she provided another URL to a posh restaurant which we saw on TV. and I suggested to her that we try to reserve and go. In this email, she ask him his opinion about this restaurant and for his comments if he is aware of it.

 

The above 3 events might be trivial but I seem to feel that she is suggesting to him indirectly of meeting up / trying to maintain closeness? Or is she trying to maintain her self esteem (she has low self esteem) that she is also in the same type of league as far as social life is concerned.

 

I need some insight into this. I have been quite a broken man since all my spying activities and I know I am doing something low. The thing is I seem to be trying to find some evidence to throw to her to have her open the lid on what's going on. I have been thinking a lot of walking out of this marriage but need some proof that things have indeed swayed.

[jmargel]

What you went through I would be spying as well. You need to take care of yourself right now. Even though she didn't have physical contact with this OM before the marriage she still did cheat emotionally. You feel betrayed and alot of what you two have is tainted by what she is doing. I would highly suggest marraige counseling and whatever her 'reason' might be why she is doing what she is doing now is no excuse to do it.

 

As long as she continues to lie to you it will slowly chip away at the foundation of the marriage. Often a cheater will tell their spouse that they are 'crazy' or 'paranoid' and become very defensive when the subject of the other-person is brought up.

 

The emails doesn't sound like she is physically cheating on you but it sounds like she has some sort of closeness with him or at least trying to be involved in his life. This is something she should NOT be doing. She has not put you #1 in her life. Do not tell her about the spying. I was in your situation and when I would talk to her about it I would just tell her that I have an instinct about when things are not right and that it has NEVER been wrong. I was able to get alot of information out of her with using that. I just stayed firm on that and when she would accuse or ask about me spying or snooping I just held my ground and said I didn't need to.

 

Honestly if you feel something is wrong then it is. The communication between you two is lacking alot. Please look for a licensed marriage counselor today. It lifts so much stress from a marriage when you goto one. It takes alot of the burden that you carry and places it on her & the counselor. This is no way to be living, on edge like this.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over expecting different results. Do something different now so you don't end up in a straight-jacket.

[Ladyjane14]

It sounds to me like the coworker is just a friend. Generally, affair partners talk ALOT more than once or twice a week.

In fact, the amount of talking is usually what gets them busted.

 

She probably did have a previous attraction to the guy at school. But she recognized it as a danger to her relationship with you, and followed up with boundaries. That's what you WANT her to do.

Married people aren't dead, you know. We still notice the attractive qualities of other people. The difference is that we set boundaries and limitations.

 

You sound like a jealous guy. It's possible that she's not always forthcoming because she's not sure what your reaction is going to be. Maybe you BOTH need to build up some trust in each other.

[Bryanp]

I wonder how you wife would be feeling if the roles were reversed and you had this communication going on with another woman. The previous friend at school sounds very suspicious to me. She was dating you and seeing him at the same time. She said they only held hands yet he writes to her that he wanted to eat her? I am sorry but it is doubtful that they were only holding hands and clearly he felt comfortable enough to tell her he wanted oral sex with her. Why would he feel that comfortable unless she made it feel comfortable. It does not sound right to me. Do I understand she was seeing this guy behind your back? The fact that she keeps things hidden from you is not a good sign. I would be irritated by her behavior. It sounds like she may be waiting for this guy to ask her to go out and check out some of the resturants with her. I don't know but something does not smell right.

[Guest]

Adding on to my first post.... this is getting crazy because I found out that she was trying to purchase the same fruits from some auction site !!

 

Purchasing the same fruit presumably to deliver to the guy !! The thought of it makes me want to throw out....

 

I'll continue to observe although I don't deny this whole thing is eating into my soul bit by bit.....

 

jmardel has given me a good option on confronting her without having to spill the beans on my spying work.... any other possible ways? The thing is I need to make it strong enough for her to confess and we either end it there or we move along to try to rebuild.... I am quite sure she will get defensive if my point is not strong/convincing enough to make her speak up...

[Guest]

I wonder how you wife would be feeling if the roles were reversed and you had this communication going on with another woman. The previous friend at school sounds very suspicious to me. She was dating you and seeing him at the same time. She said they only held hands yet he writes to her that he wanted to eat her? I am sorry but it is doubtful that they were only holding hands and clearly he felt comfortable enough to tell her he wanted oral sex with her. Why would he feel that comfortable unless she made it feel comfortable. It does not sound right to me. Do I understand she was seeing this guy behind your back? The fact that she keeps things hidden from you is not a good sign. I would be irritated by her behavior. It sounds like she may be waiting for this guy to ask her to go out and check out some of the resturants with her. I don't know but something does not smell right.

 

Bryanp, the wife would absolutely go ballistic and I am sure of that. She had on occasions asked me who were the girls on my messenger contacts list and I was opened with her about it. Tell her who they are etc. I have also on occasions show her my mobile phone texts to show that it was just her I am texting with. She never does the same for me.....

 

I seem to feel that she is trying to drop hints to the guy on making the first move to ask her out? Trying to purchase the fruits from the auction site which presumably is for delivering to the guy based on her email is just getting crazy. I am sure it was not for the house cos we still had a box sent by her mum in the fridge.....

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I agree purchasing the fruits really sounds like an attempt to get this guy to ask her out. By the way, it is very common for a person who cheats to go ballastic if they think their spouse is doing to them what they are planning to do to their spouse. This is called projection and usually a cheating spouse will presume that other people have the same behavior as themselves and therefore project that on their spouse. Isn't it interesting that you feel confident to show your mobile contact information with her but she does not do the same with you. What does that tell you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Unfortunately it sounds like her actions are sending you a strong message. I wish you luck.

[Guest]

The background is that my wife got to know a guy through her part time school 8 months back (we were not married yet). They started going out but she decided to break all contacts before things went out of control.

 

I found this out only 2 months ago by accident (after we got married) and confronted her about this. Her story was that she said she felt swayed by that guy so decided to stop all contact since she still wanted to be with me. She claimed that the only thing they did was only to hold hands although I was not sure since I saw the messages from the guy saying that he wanted to "eat" her. She has been very firm that she did not betray me to that extent and she said she would have left me if she had done it with him.

 

I have since forgiven her about that matter but have been on high alert. The story move to the present that she has a co-worker (in the same team) in her previous job that they got along very well. She has left the job about 2 months back and currently is taking things easy since she is 5 months into her pregnancy.

 

Also I need to add that my wife is a person who keeps things to herself. She has the tendancy to filter out certain things she tell me for motivations known to her only.

 

As I have been on high alert, I snooped on her sometimes. I knew I should not but I do not know what kind of person I am into. I know this sounded crazy but the fact is that she is currently pregnant and also we are already married.

 

I have found out that around once /twice a week, the co-worker maintained contact with her via email or mobile texts. I kept things quiet since they appear to be talking more about office stuff. 2 weeks back he called her up on her mobile and they spoke for more than an hour. Naturally I did not feel very comfortable about this but I let it go. The thing that triggered me to be very upset was that she maintained that all this while since she has left the job, they had only email each other twice whereas actually there must be more than 10 going around. Obviously I could not confront her since I did not want to let her know that I was watching her.

 

The event put me on even higher alert. A few events have made me wonder her intention.

 

1. He told her that he went for dinner with some co-workers at some location. In her reply, she mentioned about posh restaurant in that area that she was aware of and provided him with the URL. Said that this restaurant is slightly on the high side so she uses it for special occasions like birthdays/anniversaries only. The puzzling thing is that she search for this restaurant from some general search page before replying to him with the URL. I am very sure she does not know of this restaurant before.

 

2. She received some fruits from her mum who sent from another state. Happened that that weekend he went to another state to visit his girlfriend (yes he has one so that's what she told me). He mentioned about him away for the weekend to an email to her before he left. In her reply, she mentioned that because he was away, she could not sent some of the fruits to him. If she receive the fruits again, she will be sure to send some to him.

 

3. In the same email to him, she provided another URL to a posh restaurant which we saw on TV. and I suggested to her that we try to reserve and go. In this email, she ask him his opinion about this restaurant and for his comments if he is aware of it.

 

The above 3 events might be trivial but I seem to feel that she is suggesting to him indirectly of meeting up / trying to maintain closeness? Or is she trying to maintain her self esteem (she has low self esteem) that she is also in the same type of league as far as social life is concerned.

 

I need some insight into this. I have been quite a broken man since all my spying activities and I know I am doing something low. The thing is I seem to be trying to find some evidence to throw to her to have her open the lid on what's going on. I have been thinking a lot of walking out of this marriage but need some proof that things have indeed swayed.

 

GET A LIFE!!! THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS AND YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS A WAY TOO VIVID OF AN IMAGINATION.......WRITE BOOKS, YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BECOME FAMOUS CAUSE YOUR MIND GOES ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH "NOTHING!"

[sugarplum]

GET A LIFE!!! THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS AND YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS A WAY TOO VIVID OF AN IMAGINATION.......WRITE BOOKS, YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BECOME FAMOUS CAUSE YOUR MIND GOES ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH "NOTHING!"

 

 

Take all advice with a grain of salt. That said, where I come from, it is totally inappropriate for a married, pregnant woman to maintain any sort of a friendship (or more) with another man who claims he wants to "eat" her, as you put it. IMHO you have every right to want answers.

[whichwayisup]

If your gut is telling you something is wrong and already you've found some questionable emails, chances are, your gut is right.

 

Start showing her even MORE love and affection at home...Woo her and make her feel good about herself so that she doesn't have to look for attention from other men.

 

This really could be a case of a friendship and nothing physical has happened, but she is attached to him, wanting to spend time with him. It's not right, especially right now! She should be bonding with you, preparing for the upcoming birth of your child! Planning and nesting...Instead of wanting to GO out and about with someone else.

 

Be upfront, tell her that you are hurt by what she is doing and that she needs to talk to you, not someone else outside of the marriage. If she needs a friend, it should be a woman friend, not another guy.

[scrybe74]

You're being trivial and reading way into it. She's pregnant with your child, she married you so accept it. She has a friend on the side...so what? In all the emails your read there was no OBVIOUS or overt sexual/romantic language.

 

The Fruit:

 

If the fruit was actually from this guy then it's probably because he knows what a jealous and unreasonable person you can be. She probably told him not to call her or send her stuff because her husband will flip out.

 

Emails:

 

She doesn't know that you are spying on her right? Well if that's true then she's simply speaking openly to him feeling that no one could read her emails. If she were flirting/cheating or wanting to got out with this guy don't you think she would be more obvious?

 

Prior guy:

This happened before you were married. She admitted to it. You said the guy text/emailed her that he wanted to 'eat her' but she never said that she responded in kind. She stopped talking to the guy because she wanted to be with you. Would you rather she had slept with him and then lied or perhaps choose him and dumped you.

 

All she wants (and deserves) is a little privacy and the right to have friends.

 

Back off and give her some privacy before you lose the woman you love.

[scrybe74]

Take all advice with a grain of salt. That said, where I come from, it is totally inappropriate for a married, pregnant woman to maintain any sort of a friendship (or more) with another man who claims he wants to "eat" her, as you put it. IMHO you have every right to want answers.

 

Sugarplum -

 

Unless I'm reading his story wrong, the guy she's friends with now is a co-worker and not the same guy that sent her the infamous 'eat her' text message.

 

That being said it just sounds like they are friends.

[Guest]

Sugarplum -

 

Unless I'm reading his story wrong, the guy she's friends with now is a co-worker and not the same guy that sent her the infamous 'eat her' text message.

 

That being said it just sounds like they are friends.

 

 

scrybe74, not sure why you have the need to follow my posts and correct whatever I say. You are entitled to your opinion, just as I am mine. Marrieds should have close friends of the same sex. If for no other reason, that to eliminate suspicion of the other spouse. I have some male friends at work, but at home I only deal with female friends out of respect for my husbands feelings. Even if I were up to nothing, I wouldn't want him to even think I may be or feel insecure in our relationship. I want my husband to know that he is the only man in my life.

[sugarplum]

Sugarplum -

 

Unless I'm reading his story wrong, the guy she's friends with now is a co-worker and not the same guy that sent her the infamous 'eat her' text message.

 

That being said it just sounds like they are friends.

 

thanks for correcting me. again. guess I left some text out. they are on the same team. do the two men know each other? is she known at her work as being somewhat "available"?....... It doesn't sound like just friends to me, it doesn't sound like he respects that she has a husband and a single working guy should really be buying his own fruit and not have a pregnant married woman supplying any of his food groups. As I said - IMHO.

[scrybe74]

thanks for correcting me. again. guess I left some text out. they are on the same team. do the two men know each other? is she known at her work as being somewhat "available"?....... It doesn't sound like just friends to me, it doesn't sound like he respects that she has a husband and a single working guy should really be buying his own fruit and not have a pregnant married woman supplying any of his food groups. As I said - IMHO.

 

LOL - I suppose you're right on that. I'll meet you halfway and say they are guilty of bad judgement and a bit disrespectful. How's that?

[sugarplum]

LOL - I suppose you're right on that. I'll meet you halfway and say they are guilty of bad judgement and a bit disrespectful. How's that?

 

I agree with ya' on that

[Sup]

Adding on to my first post.... this is getting crazy because I found out that she was trying to purchase the same fruits from some auction site !!

 

Purchasing the same fruit presumably to deliver to the guy !! The thought of it makes me want to throw out....

 

I'll continue to observe although I don't deny this whole thing is eating into my soul bit by bit.....

 

jmardel has given me a good option on confronting her without having to spill the beans on my spying work.... any other possible ways? The thing is I need to make it strong enough for her to confess and we either end it there or we move along to try to rebuild.... I am quite sure she will get defensive if my point is not strong/convincing enough to make her speak up...

 

It sounds strange to me. Not to throw gasoline on the fire, but if I were you when the baby IS born, I would get a secret DNA test done, just in case. Probably yours, yes. However, Divorce laws state in some cases, or maybe even a LOT of cases, the father has 1 year to prove paternaty, otherwise it IS considered by the courts to be HIS child whether or not he fathered the child. TWISTED huh? DO NOT confront in anyway your wife about your suspisions. Lets face it the thought probably crossed your mind already, and if not now then later. In the mean time if I were you, I would install a good keylogger on your computer. I heard they have free ones to download, but the better ones may cost some money. I wouldn't pay by check or credit card, as these can be traced. A money order may be a better form of payment. It may seem alittle early for a keylogger, some may say, but hey why waste time on this. I really hope this helps.

[Guest]

In the mean time if I were you, I would install a good keylogger on your computer. I heard they have free ones to download, but the better ones may cost some money. I wouldn't pay by check or credit card, as these can be traced. A money order may be a better form of payment. It may seem alittle early for a keylogger, some may say, but hey why waste time on this. I really hope this helps.

 

Hi Sup,

 

Any good keylogger to recommend? The thing is she is using her own PC and I will need one that can periodically send the logs via email to me since I do not know the password to her PC and only once in a while, she might fall asleep with the PC still logged on.

 

Also I think she has Microsoft Antispyware installed on it (I did it for her before all the issues !!)

[silktricks]

Instead of a software keylogger, (which will get picked up by anti-spyware), get a hardware kind that is placed between the keyboard and where it is attached to the PC. That will work well unless her PC is a laptop. You will need to retrieve it in person, though.

 

I gotta say, though, that in my opinion you are making a BIG mistake. What has happened between her and the guy sounds to me like just a friendship - not that it couldn't devolve into something else, but it certainly doesn't sound like it's there now. You may want to try some honesty and discussion and let her know that you are worried.

 

Honesty is the best policy and all that.

[Sup]

Hi Sup,

 

Any good keylogger to recommend? The thing is she is using her own PC and I will need one that can periodically send the logs via email to me since I do not know the password to her PC and only once in a while, she might fall asleep with the PC still logged on.

 

Also I think she has Microsoft Antispyware installed on it (I did it for her before all the issues !!)

 

Honestly, I have NO idea about that one. I didn't know she had her own PC, that WILL make things much more difficult. However, there is someone who logs in as Chump64, she could really help I'm sure. Start by making a NEW thread, saying something like calling Chump64, NEED HELP QUICK! Shes like 007, I know it's crazy, but TRUST me on this, if anyone can help, it's her. Tell her EVERYTHING, even what we discussed. Sorry I can't be more help, but she may be able to. Laterz.

[Guest]

Thanks to all who contributed. I really want to think that she is just viewing him as a friend.... however I seem to think that things have moved to a higher level.

 

I can confirmed that the fruits which she purchased online was arranged to deliver to the guy at work. These few days, all this has taken its toll on me and it has made me moody even after I got home.

 

She seems to be detached as well these few days but she said it was due to my moodiness that make her moody. We had a chat about general stuff and she mentioned that she pondered over things she did that she felt she should have told me but did not.

 

During bed time, for a while I lie awake in bed pondering over my own options. I asked her if she wanted to tell me those things but she refused and sounded very distant.

 

Inside me I am all torn up thinking about what I should do. My feelings for her is quite dead now and I honestly cannot see much future with her since this would have been the second time inside a year. Yes I think many of you thinks that they are just friends.... I agree at this moment.... but it will lead to a time when she gets shakey.... and we are at the mercy of what the guy will do to manipulate her feelings. This is a guy she has been working with daily and has built up a good chemistry. He will have an bigger edge over the previous guy (whom she met at her part time studies) since I see that she is the one making more of the move now....