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Trying to move past all this

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Old 23rd June 2006, 2:08 PM   #1
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Trying to move past all this

I posted a few weeks ago about my husband's EA.

We are trying to work past this mess. I had a counseling session scheduled but had to cancel it b/c I didn't have the $85 fee insurance requires me to pay per session (and this is the ONLY therapist my insurance company covers, and the sliding fee thing doesn't apply to us due to making too much $$).

I'm trying really hard, I've changed a lot in the past month (he says the past 2 years I was emotionally unavailable to him and he lost a lot of feelings for me) but I don't think he's trying quite as hard. We are happy in the sense that we are loving and affectionate toward each other for the first time in a long time, and we enjoy spending time with each other. He won't talk to me; he says he knows when he talks about how he feels about her it hurts me and he doesn't want to do that. But I hate feeling like I'm in the dark; I want to know, or should I say, I NEED to know, where we stand. Last night, I convinced him to share some of his thoughts with me; lemme tell you, the truth hurt. He still has feelings for her, very strong feelings, and he's struggling to regain those feelings he has for me, but it is difficult, and a part of him doesn't want to let go of his feelings for her. I don't understand. He says he loves me more, and doesn't want a life with her, but he talks like he loves her sooo much and I feel like I'm nothing but a second choice (he couldn't stand to be away from the kids for more than a day, she won't leave her husband, and do you know how much he'd have to pay me in alimony and child support?) I'm so confused, and I've pretty much given up on talking to anyone on this, because all I get is "Leave the loser." Well thanks for the USELESS advice I'm not GOING TO USE. I don't want to effin leave him. I love him; as much as he hurt me, I love him so much, and I know a lot of people can't understand that. I just don't know how to move on from this. I'd love to go to therapy, but short of winning the lottery, I don't know what to do. I keep everything bottled up, usually until I break down and start blubbering like an idiot. So, I guess this is more of a rant, as I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Thanks for listening to my incoherent babbling.
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Old 23rd June 2006, 2:31 PM   #2
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You said you made yourself unavailable to him, so he looked elsewhere. now you are available and he's not. If you really want him you need to continue to be available and show him you've changed. Maybe he doesn't think you really have or that it is only temporary. I dont want to be hurtful, but you left a door open for someone to walk in, and they did - Not that I condone what he has done! Not at all! Now you need to find a way to show her back out the door! If he really loves you as he says, counseling would be a starting point.

Sorry for your pain! I dont know if I helped at all....At least I didn't say to dump him!
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.
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Old 23rd June 2006, 2:35 PM   #3
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Not making excuses, but in those 2 years, I was dealing with a lot. Severe depression, our infant daughter was in and out of the hospital and had several surgeries, and I stayed at the hospital with her, I was also in school, I was stressed out from dealing with all this and I still worked and did basically all the household chores. I was spreading myself thin.
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Old 23rd June 2006, 5:39 PM   #4
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Sharing the same

It's funny how my situation sounds so similar to yours.

Since I found out about her EA, we have been so loving and affectionate. So much more than we've been in such a long time. It also made me realize how much I care and love her.

In my case, she had been quite forthcoming about how she feels about him. I told myself that it's better to know the truth. But the truth hurts.

My suggestion would be to just take it easy. Don't overdo it. Just enjoy your time together. It's easier to say cause I know it's tough. Sometimes I also feel that she's not putting in the same effort as I do.

Anyway, good luck and hope things do work out for you.
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Old 24th June 2006, 12:46 AM   #5
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he says the past 2 years I was emotionally unavailable to him and he lost a lot of feelings for me

I call BULLSHYT on that one. Even if that was true, he should have had the maturity to talk to you about it. If he didn't communicate with you about what was bugging him, that is Problem Number One. How can you fix something you don't know is broken?

I dont want to be hurtful, but you left a door open for someone to walk in, and they did

No. More BULLSHYT. I am sick to death of this "blame the victim" mentality. His needs were not being met so he went outside the marriage because he was too emotionally immature to tell her what was going on. I would venture to say that Amanda's husband was not especially "emotionally available" either. If he was, he could have communicated to her what the problem was.

Don't let him get away with blaming you, Amanda. Put your foot down on that crap and fast. What he has done says way more about him (and his immaturity and dysfunction) than it does about you.

I'm sorry to hear you can't afford a counselor, but is $85 really that much? I mean, could you swing it to go at least once a month? Also, can you afford $25 or so for a good book on marriage? Go to the "self help" section of a bookstore and look for books on surviving infidelity. Read it together and talk about it together.

It's not uncommon at all for cheating spouses to miss and long for their affair partner. This is called "withdrawal." It's very common. Don't press him about his feelings for her. That is the last thing you need to hear right now, and the less he has to think about it and verbalize it to you, the better.

Keep posting here and at other websites like this. Do a google search for "surviving infidelity" and your top 'hit' should be a good and supportive website.

Good luck.
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