Is splitting up easier than making amends?

[Guest]

My wife was unfaithful to me several times over a period of 6 months which culminated in an affair, and now we are on the verge of getting divorced. We have a 3 year old son and we both love him more than anything else on earth. We have tried to stay 'amicable' for his sake as we don't want him to suffer our problems even though both of us are deeply hurt (me for feeling so betrayed and her for feeling so guilty). Fundamentally the trust between us has gone, although she has apologised profusely and begged me to consider having her back.

 

I do love her, but do not trust her and know I will never be able to 'forget' this - it will always be there in the background of any future between us. I am confused as to what may be the 'easier' route long term for me.

 

If I try to forgive her and attempt to rebuild the relationship, I'm sure I will become a jealous, paranoid husband that restricts and questions her every move. If however I let her go and get divorced, I must suffer watching from the periphery as she and my son set up their lives with another man. I know that neither choice is painless, but I would like to make the 'right' choice considering the circumstances. Can anyone offer some good advice?

[Mz. Pixie]

When I cheated I orignally thought that yes, making ammends would have been harder. In reality, it's not though. Divorce is much harder and what it does to your kids will break your heart.

[Art_Critic]

When I cheated I orignally thought that yes, making ammends would have been harder. In reality, it's not though. Divorce is much harder and what it does to your kids will break your heart.

 

Great advice Mz Pixie..

 

I second that

[Chump64]

This is a question that only you can answer. You will never be able to 'forget' what she did. You may be able to forgive her, over time. I do think that sticking around and trying to fix things is hard. Very hard. My husband and I are trying to fix things after he had a 10 year affair with a friend of ours (married 18 years, three kids).

 

I think that divorcing would be even harder, especially long-term. And not just because of the kids (but that's definitely a factor). A lot of people do the kneejerk thing: Dump their cheating spouse and walk away. It feels great, I'm sure! At least for awhile. But if there was some chance that the relationship could be saved, repaired and maybe even improved -- why not TRY that? (But this doesn't apply to truly crap marriages, IMO -- though some will come here and say, "Any marriage involving infidelity is a truly crap marriage!) Meh. Easy to be so black and white, you know.

 

If you try to work it out -- at least you can say you tried. Too many people get caught up in hurt pride and overwhelming anger. They walk away and then stay bitter and angry for years down the road. What have they really accomplished?

 

BUT. On my worst days (probably 3 out of 7 per week), I am convinced that walking would feel soooo good, would be easier than fighting to save this marriage, and would be a good payback. And I still don't know where we are going for sure. My husband desperately wants to save the marriage. I desperately want to TRY. I don't know how much I can forgive / how much I can live with and be happy. Working on that part right now.

 

If she is contrite and willing to do almost anything to save the marriage, then that will help a lot. You would both do yourselves well to find the best possible marriage counselor.

 

People will be along shortly to tell you to dump her. Do that, if you really think she's not worth keeping and the relationship can't survive. Don't do that if you feel otherwise. Don't listen to people who come here and tell you that you're a fool if you stick around, there must be something wrong with you, yadda yadda. Because you WILL hear that at Loveshack.

 

Good luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

If I try to forgive her and attempt to rebuild the relationship, I'm sure I will become a jealous, paranoid husband that restricts and questions her every move. If however I let her go and get divorced, I must suffer watching from the periphery as she and my son set up their lives with another man. I know that neither choice is painless, but I would like to make the 'right' choice considering the circumstances. Can anyone offer some good advice?

 

The good test of whether or not you're ready for divorce is whether or not you can stomach thinking of your spouse with another person permanently. You're obviously not at that point.

 

Here's the thing- the burden is on her at this point to prove that you can trust her. That means being transparent- you have her emails addresses and passwords- you can access her cell phone records at any time you please. She goes where she says she is going and does what she says she's doing- you are allowed to check up on her. Until you can trust her again. If she's balking with any of that, then she's not truly sorry.

 

In reality- you will have problems with anyone you marry. People think that starting over with a new partner will give you a new slate but it's only temporary. The work will still be there that needs to be done- and you could get someone worse or better the next time around. Core issues are going to happen in marriage- division of labor- money- sex, etc. There is no relationship on the planet that will not require hard work.

[sylviaguardian]

 

In reality- you will have problems with anyone you marry. People think that starting over with a new partner will give you a new slate but it's only temporary. The work will still be there that needs to be done- and you could get someone worse or better the next time around. Core issues are going to happen in marriage- division of labor- money- sex, etc. There is no relationship on the planet that will not require hard work.

 

Absolutely sound advice Mz Pixie (as ever!). And I agree with you that children do not just 'bounce back' after a divorce. That too takes a lot of time and effort to keeep them on the right track.

 

To the original poster: would it be possible for you to call a moratorium for, say, 6 months to a year? You ask whether it is easier. Well, no-one can tell you that. Why not just try it and keep your options open? I was cheated on and I still feel sometimes that I just want to chuck it all in. It's a long hard slog, don't get me wrong and I am still not decided. What I have decided though, is that things will have to be at rock bottom before I divorce. Now, for you it probably feels like rock bottom now but you are probably not that long into it (it sounds like it anyway) so things do improve from that stage. Why not take a deep breath and just wait for a while. You will have your answer eventually and you will know that you have given it your best shot whatever happens.

[catgirl1927]

Really, is either choice easy? I would think the decision to stay or go wouldn't be one someone would make based on what's "easiest." Whether you stay or go depends on what you think you can live with, and what option gives you a better chance for happiness in the future.

[Mz. Pixie]

Really, is either choice easy? I would think the decision to stay or go wouldn't be one someone would make based on what's "easiest." Whether you stay or go depends on what you think you can live with, and what option gives you a better chance for happiness in the future.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that most people think that it's less painful to leave- and in some cases- it probably is. Although I'm happier with my new husband than I've ever been, sometimes I wish I would have handled things in a different way for my kids sake.

 

There are so many dynamics that go into a marriage that no one but the two involved and their higher power know. That's why it's so hard to judge what another person should or would do in that situation.