Amanda726 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 My husband of 7 1/2 years found an old friend from high school on the internet. They started IM'ing and talking occasionally on the phone. I had no problem with him talking to her at first, because I sometimes talk to guys I went to high school with. No biggie, right? Wrong. It got to the point where he talked to her at every available second, chatting with her and texting 20 or more times a day. He started ignoring me. Of course, I got jealous. I'm his wife, he's supposed to want to talk to me, not her. I got really upset the other night and told him I felt lonely and like I was being ignored. He informed me this morning that he was very upset with me; because of my insecureties, she isn't going to talk to him any more. After some prying from him, he admitted to me that he is in love with her. Now, mind you, she lives in another state and I am 100% sure he hasn't seen her. He said he is very sorry, he didn't mean for it to happen, he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants, she doesn't want to leave her husband, he needs time to sort all this out, blah blah blah. At this point I'm hurt beyone belief. My friend told me to call a lawyer, but pathetic as it sounds, I want to try and work beyond this because I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I don't want to start talking about a divorce. I guess right now I'm looking just for some support, because I'm just really hurt and confused. Some of the things he said makes it seem like he doesn't want to work things out. I asked him to go to counseling and he said he doesn't know if he wants to do that. He said at one point he thought of leaving me, but he loves me and isn't 100% sure he wants to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Get into some marriage counseling ASAP! If he wants to work on things with you he will need to stop all contact with her. No more emails, phone conversations, texts, and certainly no meeting her. Since you called him out on this, I hope he is being honest in when he says he wont talk to her no more. Sometimes when caught they don't always end what it is they are doing, just get better at hiding it. Suggest marraige counseling to him before throwing in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Your friend is right. Call your attorney as quickly as possible. He has already made his choice. "I don't know what I want" means "I want you on the hook in case this other thing doesn't work out." It really doesn't sound like he wants to be with you any more. Don't wait around for the other shoe because it's going to smash down on your head. Tell him one of you needs to move out of the house ASAP and file for divorce. I'm so so sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear. Lots of people will tell you this is your fault because you're not pretty enough or attentive enough or good enough in bed or whatever, but you have to be strong and not listen to them. Marriage counseling will only work if you both want it to, and it doesn't sound that way. Don't let him destroy you completely, get out now and start healing. You have done nothing wrong, you are the victim here. This guy is obviously not good enough for you, if he'd do this to you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 What a fool. He isn't inlove with her, he's inlove with the attention she's giving him - Those crush feelings he's experiencing...All based on fantasy. That's not real life! You know this, but he doesn't ... YET. So things were fine before he started talking to this woman? If so, then he's allowed himself to get caught up with the fantasy and good feelings she brings out in him. You haven't done anything wrong and those insecure feelings you are having is reaction to HIS ACTIONS and what he's doing with this other woman. He's put fear and feelings of mistrust in you. Ask him how HE would feel if the situation was reversed. Make him understand how YOU feel when does X,Y and Z. Also, is this woman married? Have a boyfriend? If so, tell him that you're going to contact her spouse. Exposing whatever it is that is going on between them, an emotional affair, WILL more than likely put a stop to their friendship progressing. Their feelings are being fed and growing - So that all has to stop otherwise your marriage and her marriage (if she is with someone) will get worse. Marriage counselling is a MUST. If he refuses to go, then tell him that you're going to go talk to a lawyer about your options. I think he's having a case of "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" and he doesn't know yet that it isn't. Maybe he needs to learn the hard way, but if he does, he certainly has alot to lose...Make him aware of that. There are consquences to his selfish actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Your friend is right. Call your attorney as quickly as possible. He has already made his choice. "I don't know what I want" means "I want you on the hook in case this other thing doesn't work out." I agree w/that statement and have seen it time after time and it makes me sick!! Why must women, especially wives, be used as a second choice? I suggest going to counseling on your own. If he wants to come along, then good for him. If not, then at least you will be getting help you need to move on w/your life You said you don't want a divorce and you want to work it out, but your hubby doesn't want to hunny. I know that is so hard to hear, but don't put blinders on your eyes and sit in a miserable marriage that is one sided. It will be so hard at first, almost impossible. But time and counseling will eventually heal you and help you deal w/your journey ahead. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you are by far the only one. There are many supportive people on LS that have been in your exact shoes. Welcome to LS! Keep us updated! Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Thanks TA, that's such great advice and I didn't put that in. The OP will definitely need therapy of her own. This is way too huge a blow to her self esteem to handle alone. She's going to need every ounce of strength she has, and she'll be amazed at exactly how strong she is. Therapy is a huge help. It really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 I cringe at the "dump him and get out now" mentality. That's so kneejerk, except in very clear cut circumstances. But, he DOES need to decide whether he wants you or her, and I'd give him two days at the very most. In the meantime, set up appointments for yourself with a counselor and a lawyer. Even if you don't have the strength to do that right now, tell him you've done it. Often people don't think about what they have, and how quickly they can piss it all away, until there is a clear ultimatum. He needs to get his a$$ off the fence. And if he comes down on your side, get into marriage counseling ASAP. I disagree with posters who are telling you your husband wants out and that it's all over for you. He needs to figure out exactly what he wants and be a grown up, and like Whichwayisup says, get on the phone NOW -- TODAY -- and deal with her husband. He deserves to know the full story too. I admit that I would be heading to divorce court in a New York minute if my husband told me he didn't want to stay together, didn't want to work it out, and that he completely loved someone else / wanted to be with them for life. But that's not what you are hearing, is it? Your husband is confused and is living a fantasy. If you try to knock some sense into him and he won't see it, THEN give some serious consideration to all this advice about divorce. In my opinion / in my experience, no one is going to tell you that this is your fault, that you aren't good enough -- except for anonymous Loveshack posters who love just want to go around bashing. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amanda726 Posted June 6, 2006 Author Share Posted June 6, 2006 Her husband is a medic in the US Army in Afghanistan. i wouldn't know how to get in touch with him. Problem is, I don't *want* to dicorce him. I'd rather wait it out to see what happens. If he decides to go to counseling, I don't want to be 3/4 of the way through a divorce. We have 3 children togehter. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 I'm not sure I'd dump all that bad news on someone in his situation. The threat of exposing her may be enough for now, but I'd surely let him (the husband) know sometime. Maybe when his life calms down. Don't "wait" for anything. Tell him he needs to decide so you can do what you need to do. Give him 48 hours. Make a counseling appointment now. Nobody 'wants' a divorce, but do you want to stay with him if he is going to continue to cheat and have feelings for another woman? Link to post Share on other sites
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