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How did I let these feelings develop


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Old 25th April 2006, 4:02 PM   #1
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How did I let these feelings develop

I could really use some advice from people in my situation. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this - you are my only hope.

I have been married for 3 years and together with my husband for a total of 5. I love him very much and do belive him to be my soul mate. We get along most of the time but have had our ups and downs over but what didnt' kill us only made us stronger.

And then.....theres the other guy.

I have known him all my life of I should say he has known me all of his. He is 6 years younger then I am. We grew up together spending summers together going camping getting together for birthdays etc... When I was a teenager and even my early 20's we were not that close the age difference was to much.

All of sudden he started to grow up and I guess when he was about 18 we started hangen out a little more. Over the next two years we became really close - we worked together as well so I saw him everyday. We could talk about anything - relatinships - sports - the weather it didn't matter.

I will be honest that I didn't realize I had feelings for him until the day he gave his 3 weeks notice. I was so upset - I felt like I had been dumped but to me that didn't make any sense. 2 weeks went buy and I guess he was feeling it to because a couple of times the way he looked at me or touched me were a little bit more then friendly - but I wasn't sure.

The day before he left I told him that I would miss him that I had grown acustome to seeing him everyday and that I was confused of my feelings being that im married. He understood but never said anything - never reacted just gave me a hug and said we will still hang out.

OK that was 2 years ago - We had only seen each other maybe 10 times over the last 2 years and every time I saw him it took me about a couple of weeks to get him out of my head.

Let me bring up to date up to a month ago. He invited me over to his house him and his GF were having a party at there new place so I dropped by with a friend and we hung out for a couple hours. Me and him were inseparable we talked for two hours caught up on old times and then I left. I over heard his girlfriends sister say whats with your boy and her they look pretty close. His girlfriend who I have also known for years just said there old friends.

So the next weekend my hubby is out of town and I need a partner for a games night we are having so I invite him. Its after all right around the corner from there new place. So we go his gf drops us off and we are there until around 2:00 am doing some drinking and stuff. We decide to walk home since its not that far.

On the walk home we start talking about feelings and he admits that there deffinetly was an attraction. I asked him why he never reached out to me and he took my hand and touched my wedding ring. I hung my head in shame and he knew it so he hugged me. As he held me I wanted to kiss him so bad. I wispered it in his ear and the next think I knew we were kissing - It was so sweet so innocent - even though I was cheeting on my husband it was like a part of my life was finally coming complete.

It was one kiss and then we just hung out and talked about nothing really for another couple hours then we went home. He went to his bed with his gf and I slept in the other room. The next morning he got up and made pancakes for me and his gf. We then hung out for the next couple of days. We didn't talk about it - and it was back to normal. Even though I had butterflies in my tummy the whole time.

So two more weeks go by we are texting back and forth kind of flirting. He told me he loved hangen out stuff like that. And then he invites me to another party he was having for his gf.

The party went well and after everyone had gone to bed we snuck out to his truck. We kissed and things got heated. The kiss was fine I was ok with that but he was getting so pasionate I was starting to worry at where it was all going. His hands started to wonder and I liked it but I new it was wrong so I stopped him. We stayed out there until the sun came up - so risky right in veiw of his kitchen window. He didn't care he wasn't even worried.

Two more weeks went buy and all four of us were hangin out. I caught my self playing footsies under the table. Things are starting to get out of control. I don't want it to go on any longer i don't want to ruin everything with my husband - I don't want to loose his friendship. If we got caught everything would be ruined.

Im so ashamed and confused. I want to stop but my thoughts seem to be all about the other guy. I fantasis about him and can't get him out of my head.

HELP ME - WHAT DO I DO! I have to stop but how can I when I have such feelings for him. I told my self after the first time that it wouldn't happen again. Whats next??? Im afraid - I don't trust myself any more.
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Old 25th April 2006, 4:18 PM   #2
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"How did I let these feelings develop?"


Well thats easy to do when someone isn't happy in their current relationship or is lacking something. I say the best thing to do is weigh your options here. Do you want to stay married? Do you want things to work out with your husband? If so, I suggest marriage counseling. You will also need to stop all contact with this other guy. No one said it would be easy, but if you really want to work on things with your husband then you will have to cut ties with this other guy. Good luck.
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Old 25th April 2006, 4:33 PM   #3
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Um. You could separate from your Husband, and persue a relationship with this new guy. Or you can stop hanging out with the new guy and go to marriage counseling with your husband. You let it get this far, so you have to lose one or the other. Husband or other guy.

This is beyond friendship by the way, just sos ya know.

OH! or you could separate yourself from both of these men and figure out why you are confused. It seems like you wouldn't be seeking extracurriculuar relationships if everything between you and your husband is hunky dory.

that's it. I'm just saying.
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Old 25th April 2006, 4:53 PM   #4
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I agree with you both. I definetly let it go to far - beyond friendship. I do know for sure that I do not want to leave my husband. Im not sure what we are lacking in our relationship that I have all of sudden strayed.

I had feelings for this guy for three years and never acted on them until now. So what changed what happened that I am all of sudden willing to cheet. Maybe councelling will help me figure that out.

Maybe it has something to do with my husband giving me a hard time about my weight and what not (by the way I am in no way over weight). Maybe its the things my husband doesn't offer me like a carrier and stability the other could. My husband is sensitive the other is more of a mans man. Maybe it has something to do with the feelings of getting older. Maybe I need some councelling. I DONT KNOW

I guess somewhere inside it feels good to have a younger very hansome man paying attention to me ... Its flattering. What ever it is its wrong...

I once again agree with you but im not willing to end my friendship with the other guy - not after 23 years. There must be a way to go back. Maybe I can just stop - turn off the switch.
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Old 25th April 2006, 4:56 PM   #5
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Well you should probably get some help sorting out your feelings because you sound pretty confused. IME you can't turn off feelings.
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Old 25th April 2006, 6:09 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blind_otter
You let it get this far, so you have to lose one or the other. Husband or other guy.
blind_otter is not blind at all... This is really what it comes down to, isn't it? You cannot have both. You have committed to a marriage, so you must choose, and probably neither choice will be easy.

[QUOTE]I have to stop but how can I when I have such feelings for him./QUOTE]
There are two different things that you need to get control of. Your feelings and your behavior. How do you stop these feelings? No switch for that - you need to begin a process of sorting things out along the lines of what blind_otter and JackJack have suggested. Sounds like an issue of why your relationship with your husband has left you wanting something from the outside. I suggest you find a counselor - soon - and be very open and honest from the start like you have been here.

How do you stop these behaviors? Stop confusing your feelings with your behaviors, take responsibility for the actions you take, and stop deceiving yourself that you have no control over your behavior. Don't kiss him. Don't put your hands on him or let him put his hands on you. Don't undress him or let him undress you. Don't put his penis in your vagina. Blunt, but pretty fundamental. It seems like it should be pretty obvious which behaviors are over the line, and for me it starts with two people acknowledging an attraction for each other, and then neither one taking any action to withdraw and prevent further problems. But I believe people who cheat on their spouses deceive themselves, as a tool to avoid taking responsibility for doing what they want to do, but know they shouldn't. "I couldn't help it. I wasn't thinking. It just happened." You have full control of your behavior and responsibility for it. At least if you decide to do something, be honest with yourself and admit that you have made a conscious choice and meet your guilt head on.

You are about to put yourself and your husband through hell. Start getting honest with yourself pretty quick - this isn't something that is happening to you, you are making choices all along the way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini1975
I asked him why he never reached out to me and he took my hand and touched my wedding ring.
You realize that you were the first to make an overt move, and he was the last to offer any credible resistance?
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Old 25th April 2006, 7:53 PM   #7
 
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Gemini

I'm assuming that you're fairly young (probably in your twenties). I've got nothing against "youth" - I just know that some people really aren't grownups till much later in life (some, never ).

So think long and hard about your life. Do you see yourself with your husband, having children, growing old together, etc., and are willing to give it your "all"? If not, then do both yourselves a favor and get out now.

You allowed (inappropriate) feelings to develop for another man, and then proceeded to initiate physical activity with him also. The hurt you would (probably) cause your husband, were he to find out about this, is probably gut-wrenching. Men have a real difficult time with another man having his paws on his woman! (not that woman don't have the same type of feelings in reverse ) Imagine the hurt on his face, the anger in his heart, and the possibility he may NOT want to spend the rest of his life with a woman who would do this to him.

That doesn't mean you should stay with your husband no-matter-what, but rather, figure out what you want and make a decision. You can't have it both ways - usually being married means not dating. You will have attractions to other men your whole life (you're married, not dead) - its only inappropriate when you act on these attractions.
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Old 26th April 2006, 12:12 AM   #8
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How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? Does he really deserve this? Do you think your husband would not do this to you because he loves and respect you too much?

If you really want to end this and save your marriage then you need to be honest with your husband. If you do not then you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect him and your marriage. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you? I think it is time for you to grow up.
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Old 26th April 2006, 1:42 PM   #9
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Thank you for your honesty with this. I'll admit the guilt of this has been difficult but self inflictid.

I must admit the honesty of Trimmer really sent it home. The whole penis in vagina is a brutual reality but it really made me think.

I do know that this affair would crush my husband he is sensitive. If the situation were reversed I don't know what I would do. My heart would be heavy I would be so hurt - embarassed.

I have spoken with the other guy and we have booth agreed that what we were doing was wrong. I explained to him that I love my husband and I know he loves his girlfriend. And the only direction this could ever go in would result in heartbreak. We agreed that we would not tell our mates because it would be too heart breaking for them. But we agreed that even though there may be temptations that we will never touch each other again inapropriatly or have inapropriate discussions. The consecences are to high - and not worth it.

We will however remain friends - for now. If that is to diffucult then we will not hang out any longer - Thank god "it was only a kiss or two"
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Old 26th April 2006, 1:46 PM   #10
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Well, just stopping the progression won't really help.

You need to sit down and seriously contemplate what's happening in your marriage to make you seek out fantasy relationships. Address those problems, or it will blow up in your face eventually. Either that or you'll wither up with depression. Neither of those options seem really cool.
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Old 26th April 2006, 3:32 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blind_otter
Well, just stopping the progression won't really help.
Well, it won't solve the whole thing, but I think it's an important and necessary first step, and I applaud you for that. Another step is to be honest with yourself, and it seems like you are starting to do that, too.


But I do agree with blind_otter - you should explore your relationship with your husband to figure out how to repair/enhance it and bring yourselves to a place of intimacy that nurtures you both so that you won't have a tendency toward these outside attractions... If you don't take advantage of this opportunity, then you are missing a real wake-up call, and you may well just go on and repeat the pattern in the future.

If you were willing to take such a risk outside your marriage, knowing full well that things could get really, horribly messed up, why not take that same energy, that same willingness to take a risk, and apply it within your marriage, with the more pleasant knowledge that it may well make things so much better. I don't mean this to sound as pitiful as it may come out, but I wish my wife had given "us" that opportunity, and I can only imagine - if I'd had the chance to apply all the energy I've expended recovering from the end of our marriage into our marriage instead, while there was still a chance - wow, what a magnificent thing it might have become. So now I live vicariously through people like you : you still have that chance; don't squander it.

Last edited by Trimmer; 26th April 2006 at 3:34 PM..
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Old 26th April 2006, 10:07 PM   #12
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So you both have decided that you will not tell your spouses or significant others about the make-out sessions because you are fearful the pain would be too much for them. This is such typical bull from people who cheat. The reality is that you do not wish to suffer any consequences from your actions.

Instead of being open and honest with your spouse and treating him with respect you instead let him be ignorant of your behavior. You treat him like a puppet and you are pulling the strings. He has a right to know about his wife's behavior so he can make thoughtful choices. You deny him this knowledge because you in reality do not wish to face the consequences of your actions. You compound this by saying you will stay try to hang out with this other guy and see if you can keep your hands off each other.

Again if the roles were reversed would you want your husband to keep this to himself and still hang out with a female friend that he lusts for and not tell you? It is really sad that you continue to show so little respect for your husband and continue to treat him as an ignorant child. How can you not see this?
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Old 26th April 2006, 11:54 PM   #13
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I really don't see this going back to a friendship only thing...not right away, anyhow, even if that's what you desire . Maybe some time has to elapse first. I know you don't want to lose the long-standing friendship but the kissing etc kind of put a different spin on your relationship.

If your husband is making you feel undesirable in any way and along comes someone that does the exact opposite, it doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out what could easily happen next. Especially if you have your own issues about getting older, etc.

Since you don't want to leave your husband, maybe couple counseling is the way to go. In your instance, this extramarital dalliance seems like it is more a symptom of something wrong, rather than the cause of it going wrong.
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Old 27th April 2006, 2:33 PM   #14
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Trimmer - Thank you for your kind words on taking a step in the right dirrection. I think that you are all right there are some issues that I have even if they are in my subconsious that I need to work out. I do belive that I have learned my lesson but I think that talking to someone may help with some of my insecurities.

Blind Illusion - you may be right we may not be able to be friends - im not sure how that is going to work but I guarantee you that I will not be having any more inapropriate talks - touching kissing etc. with my friend.

If it is too difficult for me to hang out with him now maybe down the road it will be ok - but if its not it will be our own fault that our friendship failed us.

Bryanp - you are 100% correct that I am affraid of the concequinces. I am not willing to throw my marriage down the drain because i made a stupid mistake. And it was a mistake. I know that it was wrong and I know I will never do it again - EVER.

I understand what you mean about disrespecting him. But I can not see what good would come out of me telling him that I kissed my best friend. Especially when we both have decided it was a huge mistake and we will not be making the same mistake again. If the situation were reversed and he had kissed a girl and it was never going to happen again im not 100% sure I would want to know. I wouldn't want to be filled with doubt and suspiscions.

I have made a promise to myself to not become a repeat offender. And to help me with that Im going to seek some help.
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Old 27th April 2006, 2:39 PM   #15
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I have made a promise to myself to not become a repeat offender. And to help me with that Im going to seek some help.
That is a great idea!

And don't ever put yourself IN a situation where you will be tempted to kiss him again. Or touch him. But, not seeing/talking to him is another good way of making sure it won't ever happen again either. This man is NOT your friend anymore. As painful as it may be, you two cannot be friends or friendly. Maybe waaaaaaay in the future, but even then, why bother? Hopefully things will be better at home and you won't need that friendship at all.
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