How much would you risk? Is it worth it?

[LileBeb]

My husbands emotional affair lasted 7 months. He told me he was getting conversation and attention/affection (but no fooling around or sex with her, so he says) that I obviously lacked giving him. Ok, so I find out, he is sorry and promises NC. Dont get me wrong, it took him a few weeks to really realize what he had done to really hurt me and us, and what he had to deal with and do. I gave him the option of leaving and going to the other woman, (which is married with children as well.) He didnt want to leave, said he didnt want to be with her, never loved her and they told each other that they loved each other. They were just close friends.

I told him whatever this was it had to end with her or HE was gone. I told him if he wanted to stay we would need therapy (which he agreed to) and I insist on NO contact (NC for 2 months now). If she did call, txt, email him, I told him I wanted to know about it. She did email him 2 days ago. He told me about it, and promised me he was not going to write her back. He also said I could view the email if I wanted to.

I want my marriage to work, but I dont want to be played for a fool. How can I tell for sure that my husband does want to try and save our marriage and be truthfull. Is it wrong for me to wonder if has he just gotten better at at lieing and hiding things from me? Will there be new signs to look out for if he is still associating with her? It seems from these boards that most husbands keep cheating, or continue on after the dust has settled. Would most married men risk losing the marriage, children, house, pets etc...just to continue on be unfaithful? Is it worth it?

[greenshift]

... to lose your life - marriage, kids, etc - for a fling? No. But it's hard to remain objective when you're feeling unwanted or unloved or have some other need that's not being met - not that any of those things come close to justifying cheating. There is no justification for cheating.

 

The problem here is that you have to put a lot of trust in someone that has proven they can't be trusted. That's a huge leap of faith. You have to ask yourself - is it worth it? Is the chance of getting your heart broken again worth the possibility that your husband is one of those that realizes what it is that he's done and how it as affected you and your family? Does he realize that it wasn't worth it?

 

The fact that he told you about the message is a good sign; if I were you, I would have insisted on reading it, because the details of the message would probably haunt me. It sounds like he's doing his best to be completely open and transparent with you - also a very good sign.

 

In the end, you're the only one that can decide what you want, but I urge you to make that decision based on a longer view of your life and what's to come, instead of how angry and hurt you're feeling now. It's difficult to be objective, but try. And, start counselling *today* if you haven't already. It really does help.

 

Good luck.

[Chump64]

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Only you can decide if you are willing to take another chance.

 

In my situation, I am trying to work on things and forgive my husband for his 10-year EA / PA. I'm not sure it will work but I am willing to try. (Big stipulation: This is a one-time offer; he screws up, he's out.) I would really prefer a separation period for us to hash things out (temporary separation, not divorce), but there are just so many reasons why this can't happen right now. Mostly the reluctance to separate has to do with our kids and with extended family members who would meddle and worsen the situation.

 

Would most married men risk losing the marriage, children, house, pets etc...just to continue on be unfaithful? Is it worth it?

 

 

This is my biggest bewilderment. It will also be the most difficult thing to forgive. He says that it's also his biggest source of pain right now -- to realize that he DID risk everything that mattered in life, for his affair. He compartmentalized it at the time. He never thought he would have to pay the consequences b/c he never thought it was possible to be caught. (It went on for 10 years, and was EA / PA.) If his moral fiber is dictated by what he can get away with, I'm not sure I can forgive him. But I am going to try.

[Chump64]

He told me he was getting conversation and attention/affection ... that I obviously lacked giving him.

 

Dont' buy that song and dance. Most of the time people who cheat say they weren't "getting enough" of this or that at home. In most cases, they weren't giving enough of this or that and so they, themselves, started a vicious cycle. And besides, the fact that they can't come to us and say, "I need more of this," or "We are in trouble because I am tempted to go cheat" -- that is a sign of failure. Failure to communicate with you.

 

Don't take blame for what he did.

[sylviaguardian]

He told me he was getting conversation and attention/affection ... that I obviously lacked giving him.

 

Dont' buy that song and dance. Most of the time people who cheat say they weren't "getting enough" of this or that at home. In most cases, they weren't giving enough of this or that and so they, themselves, started a vicious cycle. And besides, the fact that they can't come to us and say, "I need more of this," or "We are in trouble because I am tempted to go cheat" -- that is a sign of failure. Failure to communicate with you.

 

Don't take blame for what he did.

 

I have to say that I totally agree with this. In fact, I believe that to have an affair in the first place, the WS has already disengaged to a large extent, leaving the BS wondering what the heck is wrong. If your husband was lacking conversation affection/attention why did he not ask for it? Was he being incredibly affectionate/attentive to you then being constantly rejected?

[SueBee3490]

I wouldn't buy that either. My bf NEVER said to me that he felt he wasn't "getting everything he needed" from me. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I did everything for this man - I was so in love. What he did do, was constantly accuse me of cheating all the while he is doing it. I was going crazy trying to convince him I wasn't. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he would think I would cheat, I never flirted with other men, chatted online with men, etc. The only reason I thought why he felt this way was because his ex cheated on him so I thought maybe he is feeling some of that leftover pain and just "jumpy" about any new relationship where he thinks the woman he is dating could be cheating on him. Prior to finding out everything about my H, I was very affectionate. Always giving him a hug or kiss, holding his hand, etc.

 

In my situation though, we were dating, so my bf really wouldn't be risking kids, a home, etc. as many married men do. Just the fact after I found out about all his women, I knew he thought they couldn't compare to me so he wanted to hold onto me. I think the answer may lie in which Chump said, most don't think they will get caught so they continue to do it.

 

Chump - I love this saying you gave, "If his moral fiber is dictated by what he can get away with, I'm not sure I can forgive him." I feel that so much with my H. If all his morals are based on what he can get away with, what does that say about the character of a person?

[sylviaguardian]

My husbands emotional affair lasted 7 months. He told me he was getting conversation and attention/affection (but no fooling around or sex with her, so he says) that I obviously lacked giving him. Ok, so I find out, he is sorry and promises NC. Dont get me wrong, it took him a few weeks to really realize what he had done to really hurt me and us, and what he had to deal with and do. I gave him the option of leaving and going to the other woman, (which is married with children as well.) He didnt want to leave, said he didnt want to be with her, never loved her and they told each other that they loved each other. They were just close friends.

I told him whatever this was it had to end with her or HE was gone. I told him if he wanted to stay we would need therapy (which he agreed to) and I insist on NO contact (NC for 2 months now). If she did call, txt, email him, I told him I wanted to know about it. She did email him 2 days ago. He told me about it, and promised me he was not going to write her back. He also said I could view the email if I wanted to.

I want my marriage to work, but I dont want to be played for a fool. How can I tell for sure that my husband does want to try and save our marriage and be truthfull. Is it wrong for me to wonder if has he just gotten better at at lieing and hiding things from me? Will there be new signs to look out for if he is still associating with her? It seems from these boards that most husbands keep cheating, or continue on after the dust has settled. Would most married men risk losing the marriage, children, house, pets etc...just to continue on be unfaithful? Is it worth it?

 

LB,

 

None of us can know whether we are going to be played for a fool in ANY relationship. So far the signs are good with your husband but you're only 2 months into it so you are right to be on guard.

 

You ask how they can risk everything? Well, after nearly 2 years of trying to fathom this out, this is my own (cynical and jaded) take on it: there are 2 types of affair (very roughly speaking) - the one where the WS truly loves the OP and leaves his marriage for him/her and the type where the WS gets into a situation where goodies are on offer and just doesn't say no (commonly known as a cakeman/woman). They 'compartmentalise' and tell themselves that no-one will get hurt because if they sat down and really thought through the possible outcomes, it would make them feel guilty and spoil their fun. So they just don't go there and pretend that such a thing as parallel universes exist. Many of them also believe that they are too smart to get caught.

 

When they do get caught and the **** hits the fan, they cannot hide from reality anymore. Some wake up and realise what they stood to lose and learn from it. Others learn that there are no real consequences and do it again and again.

 

From what you've said it sounds like your husband might be the former rather than the latter.

 

syl