What does his behavior tell me?

[Glittergirl]

Like most women here, my husband had an affair. If I try or ask to log onto his email, check his phone bills, and such he gets so mad at me! I have asked him nicely to log on with me there, (cell phone too) and he says no. Later, he says fine, but I am too mad to look.

 

Why doesnt he understand that I feel I NEED to do this! If he was not hiding anything, truely sorry, wouldnt he just hand me the proof (cell phone bills) so he woulndnt have to deal with me doing this or feeling this way? I have told him this. He says he says No out of spite; he has a mom and doesnt need another one, but I dont get it. I am his wife, not his mom! Isnt he supposed to be sorry? That means also giving up some freedom for some time! I did find out about a secret email address he made up, but he said he never used it, and forgot all about it. Is he still hiding things?

[JadeStar]

After this affair he had, did you all seek marriae counseling? IMO, he does need to show you his cell phone, his emails etc, because I think he owes you that at least, especailly if he no longer has anything to hide. He needs to come clean and show you the things that need to be shown. Theres got a be the start of a healing process, and yes part of that healing process means you will have to learn to rebuild trust again and start to give him the benefit of the doubt on things as well. However, if this is an affair that has recently happened, then its understandable why you want to see these things. If you all have not gone to marraige counseling I think its cruical you do so.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Like most women here, my husband had an affair. If I try or ask to log onto his email, check his phone bills, and such he gets so mad at me! I have asked him nicely to log on with me there, (cell phone too) and he says no. Later, he says fine, but I am too mad to look.

 

Why doesnt he understand that I feel I NEED to do this! If he was not hiding anything, truely sorry, wouldnt he just hand me the proof (cell phone bills) so he woulndnt have to deal with me doing this or feeling this way? I have told him this. He says he says No out of spite; he has a mom and doesnt need another one, but I dont get it. I am his wife, not his mom! Isnt he supposed to be sorry? That means also giving up some freedom for some time! I did find out about a secret email address he made up, but he said he never used it, and forgot all about it. Is he still hiding things?

 

Glittergirl, I'm sorry to break it to you, but you husband is still cheating on you.

Have you checked out marriagebuilders.com website? It provides many useful information on how to deal with an affair.

Stay strong. Don't believe - for even one second - that it was YOUR fault that he had the affair. He chose to cheat... and it sounds like he is still cheating. Let him go if you can. If you can't, then you need to drag him to see a counselor with you to sort it out.

[Chump64]

I'm afraid KHLF is right. If you need to spy on him, GO for it. Search for some of my past posts. I've given some good advice on spy equipment. Don't waste your time and money with a P.I.

 

With my husband, once he was busted, he lost all rights to privacy. (You screw, you lose.) Anything else is just not an option. Another condition is that he gives me any info I want without b*tching about it or accusing me of nagging.

 

Your husband needs to suck it up and give you what you need to prove he's being faithful.

[TeaCooler]

keep in mind though that the cheater goes through a process of separation and acceptance, too, after the affair is over.

 

eventually, when someone does something wrong, they atone for it, and don't want to be reminded of it every five minutes. they do feel guilty, and yes they should, but jeeeez. it has to stop some time; people can't live like that.

 

of course you're affected, you were cheated on and lied to and the person you thought you knew, you didn't know...but he is also affected by realizing (after all the initial mess is over) he wasn't who he thought he was either.

 

think of how you feel when someone does something wrong to you. it sucks. think of how you feel when you do something wrong, anything wrong, to someone else. it feels even worse.

 

you do have a right to know if he's cheating on you still, but your behavior toward him can be viewed as overbearing. i know it seems like nothing is worse than cheating, but other things wear on the nerves and make you angry too...like constantly pumping someone for information and lording over his every move. you can be suspcicious, of course, anyone would be...but part of working things out is a matter of acceptance on your part as well.

 

it is not about punishment. your relationship will still suffer if you do continue to do things in this manner.

 

cheaters may have screwed up, but they didn't stop being human. and if you think of him as less than human or treat him like that, you shouldn't be with him.

 

i am not saying this is definitely your case, but it's something to think about.

[Chump64]

think of how you feel when someone does something wrong to you. it sucks. think of how you feel when you do something wrong, anything wrong, to someone else. it feels even worse.

 

 

This is true, but her husband's reluctance to give her what she needs -- to move forward in the healing process -- speaks volumes. How can she even begin to think about healing if he isn't being up front with her? The fact that he won't make his life an open book is very suspicious.

 

You are right -- the betrayed spouse does not have the right to be completely uncivil and to constantly berate. That is fair game for about a week, maybe two weeks, after d-day. To move on and begin healing, civility is a must. That doesn't mean there will not be down-and-dirty, heart rending conversations that include stinging comments and tears. That happens to us about 3 times a week. It's part of the process. Heck, that is called "therapy."

 

But again, he's not giving her what she needs to even start the healing process.

 

Glittergirl, hide a voice recorder in his car. That'll tell you a lot about his cell phone convos.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I agree with Chump here. While the cheater doesn't deserve to be burned at the stake every day, he does have to work at earning his wife's trust back. I strongly recommend the marriagebuilders.com website in dealing with the fallout of an affair. The mental state of the betrayed spouse is considerably more fragile in this period, and the wayward spouse has to do everything he can to ensure that she doesn't crumble into despair. For the marriage to work, he needs to surrender all information... and i know that can be tough, being the WS myself.

[TeaCooler]

think of how you feel when someone does something wrong to you. it sucks. think of how you feel when you do something wrong, anything wrong, to someone else. it feels even worse.

 

 

This is true, but her husband's reluctance to give her what she needs -- to move forward in the healing process -- speaks volumes. How can she even begin to think about healing if he isn't being up front with her? The fact that he won't make his life an open book is very suspicious.

 

i agree somewhat, but his response may be out of annoyance and frustration. i have a feeling the original poster lays it on him pretty thick. he does have to let her in on his life more, but she can't beat him into doing it. i don't think anyone's life can be a completely open book, regardless of whether they cheated or not.

[Chump64]

but she can't beat him into doing it

 

 

If she has to beg him to be honest with her, and he's reluctant to do so, there may be no point in reconciling. He's "annoyed and frustrated"? Boo effin' hoo, I say. He broke her heart. If he wants to keep her, he needs to stow his annoyance and frustration, to some degree, to get the healing process started.

[OzGirl]

You have her hotmail email?

 

Plan a weekend away with him - or find a way to keep him completely occupied so that no contact can happen between him and her.

 

Then, set up a new email account (ie, hotmail), and send it to her - something like:

 

"Hi. Guess who... don't want HER to find out, so email me ONLY here. Miss you baby".

 

See what you get.... familiarity, picks up the conversation where it left off.... great can't wait to see you.... blah blah blah.... should let you know the level of communication between them.

 

If she says, "I thought we agreed not to talk anymore"... send one back saying "okay, sorry, my bad"...

[Guest]

You have her hotmail email?

 

Plan a weekend away with him - or find a way to keep him completely occupied so that no contact can happen between him and her.

 

Then, set up a new email account (ie, hotmail), and send it to her - something like:

 

"Hi. Guess who... don't want HER to find out, so email me ONLY here. Miss you baby".

 

See what you get.... familiarity, picks up the conversation where it left off.... great can't wait to see you.... blah blah blah.... should let you know the level of communication between them.

 

If she says, "I thought we agreed not to talk anymore"... send one back saying "okay, sorry, my bad"...

 

Oz- U rock! I read this thread and was puzzled, Never thought of that. I am glad I stumbled upon this site!

[greenshift]

They're right - he's still cheating.

 

Ask yourself this: was there any reason for him to hide anything from you BEFORE the affair? Then why the hell should he be hiding things if there's nothing going on?

 

Rather than setting up a hotmail account, I'd get a keyboard logger. They come in hardware varieties (plugs in-between the keyboard and the PC - pretty noticable if he's a techie) and software. Read some reviews before you buy anything, but $50 will go a long way.

 

Also, if you do this, and you confront him with what you find, he will get defensive, accuse you of spying, etc. So f'in what! He CHEATED. He lost all rights to privacy and his reticence has left you little choice.

 

Be open, but be smart - people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[greenshift]

i don't think anyone's life can be a completely open book, regardless of whether they cheated or not.

 

YES IT CAN and, what's more, that's the deal you made when you got married. There is NO room, ABSOLUTELY NONE, for privacy in a marriage. Why, oh why, would you want to be with someone you can't be open and honest with?

 

And even if this were true under normal circumstances, these are NOT normal circumstances. He messed up. He's got to pay - not because he's being punished, but because that what it takes to regain trust. If she asks to follow him around every day, sit at his desk with him, ride in the car, follow him to the bathroom, he should give an enthusiastic YES in reply.

 

He has no rights here. He gave them up, and he needs to realize that. Counselling would be the best place to set this straight.

 

And, what one of the other posters said is true: this is not your fault. If he was unhappy, he could have told you: wrote a letter, rented the Goodyear blimp, set the damn house on fire. He could have done anything but what he did, and seems he is continuing to do. He broke your agreement - for better, and for worse. That you're trying to fix this is to your credit, but he certainly doesn't get to be pissed that you're demanding full disclosure.

[TeaCooler]

 

He CHEATED. He lost all rights to privacy

 

people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

original poster--this isn't true. that's the sense of anger and revenge talking (which are natural, of course.) but the rational adult in you needs to come out and find a better way of doing this. if the relationship is worth working out, work it out the right way, or do both of yourselves a favor and end it.

 

maybe he has different ideals on privacy. maybe he feels guilty, and shytty, and remorseful...as he should. but, he is still a person, still has private thoughts, feelings, whatever...

 

you can't run a relationship into the ground and expect it to work. if it continues, i expect you will be the one left behind. eventually, he will get over it and want to move on, and you'll still be hanging onto this issue and making it worse. he does deserve some responsibility for his actions, but give him a chance to try without making him feel like a mutant and less than a man.

 

it seems fair to you to treat him this way, but in reality, it isn't fair to either of you. he will get tired of it. just because sex is involved in his indiscretion doesn't mean what you're doing to him is viewed as any more honorable.

 

good, decent people can be private too. even those who have nothing to hide don't want their lives invaded.

 

and looking in phones and checking emails? numbers and emails can be changed, deleted, poof. that won't do you any good anyway. leave your questions and suspicions for CURRENT actions that are more concerning. he can't blame you for that, at the very least, and then you won't be on him 24/7 trying to get access to his log.

[TeaCooler]

YES IT CAN and, what's more, that's the deal you made when you got married. There is NO room, ABSOLUTELY NONE, for privacy in a marriage. Why, oh why, would you want to be with someone you can't be open and honest with?

 

And even if this were true under normal circumstances, these are NOT normal circumstances. He messed up. He's got to pay - not because he's being punished, but because that what it takes to regain trust. If she asks to follow him around every day, sit at his desk with him, ride in the car, follow him to the bathroom, he should give an enthusiastic YES in reply.

 

He has no rights here. He gave them up, and he needs to realize that. Counselling would be the best place to set this straight.

 

 

being open and honest is one thing; privacy is another. hiding things, tricking someone--that IS dishonest. but you can still have privacy. no one should have access to your every thought, every opinion, every single thing.

 

i love my fiancee, openly and honestly. but i shower by myself (unless we're using the shower for other purposes ), and i will after we are married as well. why? because i like my privacy, i like to shave without someone watching me. if he demanded to come in and i didn't want him to, i would not allow it. it doesn't mean i am doing anything wrong. by marrying someone, i am not granting 24/7 access to everything i am and own and think and do. i am still me. this does not mean i am hiding something, or someone. it does not mean i am being sneaky. our love is one, but we are not halves of one person. we are still complete people alone, but are complimented and enriched by each that is satisfying and awesome to our solitary selves. it's amazing on so many levels. ( and sorry for the silly shower example, but i think you got my point.)

 

hey greenshift. i hope you don't think i am picking on you, i'm really not. i just disagree. but that doesn't mean that i don't appreciate your opinion; i do. it's interesting to see that people can be such polar opposites on something, isn't it?

[Chump64]

Greenshift, there is room for privacy in a healthy marriage. That dissolves when someone cheats. If the cheater wants to regain respect and trust, s/he needs to keep no secrets.

 

Teacooler, I'm not talking about watching someone shave or stalking them daily. But a well-known recovery method is for the wayward spouse to make all communication lines available to the betrayed spouse, to regain trust. That is not asking too much, if the WS wants to save a marriage. If the WS can't do that / won't do that, it's a red flag that maybe s/he is not worth keeping around.

 

I'm not suggesting that cheating spouses be trailed and tracked for life. But there is a period during which trust needs to be rebuilt, and the betrayed spouse's needs should be met. If that's a problem for the cheater, s/he could well be hiding something and is not ready or willing to embark on recovery.

[greenshift]

So, I'm angry. It's been a long week.

 

While I'll agree that my reactions may have been overstated, I'm still not sure why a healthy marriage would *need* privacy. Then again, my marriage was never healthy, so that may be one of the things I'm missing.

 

Still - for the time being, as others have said, he needs to making every possible effort, and right now he's *not* doing that. That's not a good sign.

[Mz. Pixie]

So, I'm angry. It's been a long week.

 

While I'll agree that my reactions may have been overstated, I'm still not sure why a healthy marriage would *need* privacy. Then again, my marriage was never healthy, so that may be one of the things I'm missing.

 

Still - for the time being, as others have said, he needs to making every possible effort, and right now he's *not* doing that. That's not a good sign.

 

Yeah, I'm not sure there is room for privacy in a healthy marriage.

 

For instance, I have all my husband's passwords and I can check his phone at any time, but I don't. I know I have the right, but I won't avail myself of that right until I'm suspicious. If his conducts makes me suspicious then I still have the right.

 

This guy is still having an affair. Especially after discovery everything should be a open book!

[TeaCooler]

Yeah, I'm not sure there is room for privacy in a healthy marriage.

 

For instance, I have all my husband's passwords and I can check his phone at any time, but I don't. I know I have the right, but I won't avail myself of that right until I'm suspicious. If his conducts makes me suspicious then I still have the right.

 

This guy is still having an affair. Especially after discovery everything should be a open book!

 

except masturbation?

[greenshift]

except masturbation?

 

I know you said this in jest, but in all seriousness - sex is an area where there really shouldn't be any room for secrets. Including masurbation.

[Chump64]

Greenshift, I think some things are better left unspoken. I don't tell my husband every single thought I have. I sure as h*ll don't want to know every time he masturbates, who he was thinking of. Affair or no affair, everyone is entitled to their private thoughts and fantasies.

[RecordProducer]

He broke the trust you had in him and he doesn't try to re-build it. As a result your marriage suffers. I don't know if there is such thing like "we have a right to..." whatever in a marriage. I would rather say: you have a right to do to him whatever he did to you.

 

If a friend doesn't call you more than once a year and you used to be good friends, it doesn't give you the right to chase after them, but it gives you the right to not reply to their email or phone call. Capish?

 

If he doesn't want to make the marriage better, there is so much you can do. Talk to him about his expectations and desires.

[greenshift]

Fair enough.

[TeaCooler]

I know you said this in jest, but in all seriousness - sex is an area where there really shouldn't be any room for secrets. Including masurbation.

 

well...i said it in jest for a reason to mz. pixie.

 

and i disagree once again. i don't think anyone should get hurt by someone else, but i think some people are way too controlling. i wouldn't want to be with someone who thought every little piece of me was owed to him in some way; that's not fair.

 

being with someone who cheats isn't any better than being with someone who is super-controlling and doesn't have any respect for the fact that you are a fellow human being who has the right to keep some things to yourself, especially when it doesn't concern or affect the other person.

[greenshift]

Preface: if this sounds snippy, I apologize as that's not intended.

 

Expecting honesty isn't being controlling, and I don't think expecting your SO to be open is taking ownership. But, hiding little things can easily turn into not communicating. The only time my ex *ever* told me that something wasn't my business was when she was cheating. Then again, we see how well that turned out, so.

 

Grr. Argh.