Telling the OM wifes

[ThumbingMyWay]

I know there are 100 threads like this, but I like my own threads, cause its all about me now

 

 

So, it will be one year this March 1 since d-day 2.

 

Wife and I are doing well, still have some issue to work through, but for the most part I think we will make it work and continue to work at till death or till we both stop trying and decide to part ways.

 

 

ANYWAY.....the talk of why we never told OM wife is coming up again. In the beginning we didnt tell her becasue we just wanted to move on, plus they still worked together and we didnt want to start any waves.

 

 

But now, I think the anger thing is more of the motivation to tell OM wife. Anger and vidiction from on my wifes part mostly. I have it too, but not as much as i did months ago.

 

My wife is hearing "scuttlebutt" that her exOMM has been quite friendly with a new recently divorced woman in the new office he is in. Heard OM helped her move into her new apartment, etc. Anyways, I think my wife hearing this is makeing her realize the "lies" that were involved in there affair. Meaning, in the past she was still holding onto the notion that SHE was the only OW and he loved her and what they had was special, blah blah, the typical stuff the MW wants to believe casue they cant stand the truth that the OM just says what he needs to say to get his cake. I think my wife is finally realize she was taken advantage of my her exOMM and she is pissed off about now.

 

HENCE the anger and wanting to tell his Wife the whole story and show what a lying cheating man he is.

 

 

SO.....after 1 year from ending the affair and 2 years from the affair start date, what would the purpose be in telling the OM's wife, other than out of anger and the fact we dont want him to get away scott free and start on the next girl in the office?

 

 

Personnaly, a part of me wants to tell the OM wife everything too, I am just unsure if maybe we waited too long....plus wether she will even believe me.

 

For all the betrayed wives out there. What would you do, assuming you had NO CLUE your H had an A, and then the OW husband (me) told you everything in detail after waitng a whole year?

 

I would think you would not only be in denial, but also angry at ME cause I didnt tell sooner?

 

 

unsure what to do. The angel on my shoulder says to walk away, but the Devil on the other shoulder says tell everything.....

[jmargel]

To save your own marriage keep your & your wife's noses out of it. All this OM will do is move onto the next chick. It should not be your life's mission to find out what chick this guy is smoozing next and for you to put a stop to it.

[whichwayisup]

Don't do it. The OM hasn't been part of your lives for so long and my concern here is, opening that door - It's pandora's box Thumbs. Once it gets opened you cannot control what could happen ... I think that what the OM does now is his problem. Let someone else involve themselves in this - Not you and your wife.

 

It also gets HER thinking about him - Wondering...

The whole thing will be dramatic and neither of you need that in your lives. That ship has sailed, if the wife was going to be told about the A, it should have happened a long time ago. Think you're right too, she will wonder why it took so long and may not believe either of you. And then what? Open that door some more and give her proof? Open up old wounds?? No, not a good idea.

 

You've worked so bloody hard to get to where you are now, both you and your wife. Don't waste energy on the OM and his life. It's his problem! And remember, it's only a matter of time before "it" gets him! What goes around, comes around eventually...

[Chump64]

Your wife wants the OM's wife to know about his cheating b/c she is hurt. She is sad that her former lover has moved on to a new girlfriend. Her motivation to tell is because she no longer feels "special" in the other man's life. She hasn't emotionally let go of him.

 

This is not a good motivation. In my opinion, you / your wife should have told the OM's wife immediately. The truth needs to be put on the table for everyone involved, b/c affairs thrive in secrecy. But now that it's clear (I assume) there is nothing going on between your wife and the OM, this is not the case. Your window of opportunity (to tell his wife) has closed. It's not your problem anymore.

 

Are you two in counseling? Your wife needs to let go of this OM. It doesn't sound like she has done that yet. It sounds like her only motivation for telling, at this point, is to hurt her former boyfriend because she is jealous that he has a new girlfriend. Why should she care if he is messing around with someone else? She needs to work on her own issues.

[BUTAFLY]

In the same situation here.....1 year later and still want to tell because her H is up to old tricks.

 

I say tell the women in the office to watch her step.

[BUTAFLY]

also.... when I ask women/man if they would want to know if their bf/spouse is unfaithful, they say Yes. When I as Betryed spouses most say "I wish someone would have told me, instead of living a lie" However most people here says don't tell?

 

I feel secretes/withholding information keeps a connection with the MM/MW you know share something intimate. If all parties were to know then you no longer have that intimate connection. All cards are on the table so to speak and it then when you can let go. I say tell and your reason for telling because he is up to his old tricks, and she can monitor her own husbands activities.

[Chump64]

On the day that I busted my husband, I sent a memo to the OW (via email). I told her that I hoped she had the decency to tell her spouse before I told him. A few days later I put a copy of that memo in the mail to him, in case she didn't tell him. He emailed me to thank me for letting him know and said he wasn't sure if she would have fessed up, had her hand not been forced.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Your wife wants the OM's wife to know about his cheating b/c she is hurt. She is sad that her former lover has moved on to a new girlfriend. Her motivation to tell is because she no longer feels "special" in the other man's life. She hasn't emotionally let go of him.

 

This is not a good motivation. In my opinion, you / your wife should have told the OM's wife immediately. The truth needs to be put on the table for everyone involved, b/c affairs thrive in secrecy. But now that it's clear (I assume) there is nothing going on between your wife and the OM, this is not the case. Your window of opportunity (to tell his wife) has closed. It's not your problem anymore.

 

Are you two in counseling? Your wife needs to let go of this OM. It doesn't sound like she has done that yet. It sounds like her only motivation for telling, at this point, is to hurt her former boyfriend because she is jealous that he has a new girlfriend. Why should she care if he is messing around with someone else? She needs to work on her own issues.

 

WOW....i think in my situ, there is alot of truth to what your saying here in regards to my wife. My wife has alot of pride and the fact/truth that she became very close to and fell inlove with OM has really messed with her pysique (sigh-kee). Now seeing him for what he realy is, it dose hurt her.

 

And you are right, I dont think she has completely let go yet, she has admitted it too, she still has her momments of thinking of him and all the questions of why it came down like this.

 

Again, she has pride and being humbled is hard for her because she really did care for him and now she questions wether it was truth or fake on his part, I think THAT is the thing she is holding on to in regards to OM.....wether what they shared was real. I mean my wife admits she gave him ALOT on the emotional side, and now she questions wether he was genuine or just feeding her lines to get the cake. And the fact that she will never, ever know the truth just pisses her off, hence why she hasnt let go yet.

 

interesting...never thought of it that way till now.

[Chump64]

I know I will sound like a broken record, but I strongly recommend counseling. It may really help her sort some issues out.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Ya know....

 

I still wonder what i will do the next time I see the OM.

 

we live in the same general area and sooner or later I will see him.

 

 

The heart in me (my faith, my spirit) wants to walk up and forgive him for what he did and then walk away.

 

But my mind, my pride wants to tell him to F-off and threaten to tell his wife if he hasnt so far. I just want this lying, womanizing mofo to feel some pain.

 

 

Not sure what i will do.....or what emotions will come out when I see him.

[basscatcher]

........Personnaly, a part of me wants to tell the OM wife everything too, I am just unsure if maybe we waited too long....plus wether she will even believe me.

 

For all the betrayed wives out there. What would you do, assuming you had NO CLUE your H had an A, and then the OW husband (me) told you everything in detail after waitng a whole year?

 

I would think you would not only be in denial, but also angry at ME cause I didnt tell sooner?

 

 

unsure what to do. The angel on my shoulder says to walk away, but the Devil on the other shoulder says tell everything.....

 

Ah this happened to my mom, When my parents were married my mother suspected my dad was involved with someone. But her suspicions were concurred after she recieved a phone call from the OWH. If I recall correctly my mother said they spoke for about an hour. The affiar had been going on for a long time I don't recall how long but I think I heard something like a year and a half..

 

Eventually my parents divorced and my dad married the OW one month after the divorce. They eloped to South Dakota to do the deed. They are still married but their marriage sucks. It always has. There is no trust, no respect towards one another. There is love but its not the loving kind of love. My dad regrets everything.. He still misses my mother and beats himself up every day that he walked out on his family. He now sits in a nursing home handicapped from Multiple Schrolosis and alone. While is now W has a male friend and she goes about her life without my father. I like my step-mother but I don't trust her. This may sound wrong of me but if she wants to have a bf then she can. She lived in hell with my father for 26 years. I remember the abuse and she deserves to find at least a little bit of love in life before she passes away. Her health is bad also...

 

As for my mother, she is grateful OWH called her. my dad worked in the iron ore mines 5 hours away and rarely came home. He had a camper trailor he lived in until he got involved with the OW (now his wife.)

 

scenario::

My dad is miserable for his choices and mistakes.

Step-mother is unhappy where her life is but is self seeking some happiness.

My mother is happy and grateful for her freedom from my father and his ways.

 

So all in all my dad is the one who got burnt the worse... He made bad choices and lost everything that truly ment anything to him.. His wife (my mom), and being apart of raising his 2 children...

 

Depending on your situation and the situation between OMMW and MM depends on if you should tell her..

Do you suspect that she isn't happy?

Do you suspect she suspects?

Do you think she secretly wants a excuse to push him out of the house?

 

If it were me and it was also (my XH cheated 7 times in our 11 1/2 yr relationship.. I wished-to-God someone would have told me..... I wanted leverage and an excuse to leave him.... We looked like the happy perfect couple but all along he was out rolling around the block like a dog in heat.. I feel humiliated somewhat because I didnt' know he was cheating.. I suspected but couldn't get any proof. The truth didn't come out until 5 years after I walked out and divorced him on the grounds of abuse, neglect, alcoholism, drug abuse.

[whichwayisup]

Don't 'react' with your emotions. It's better just to think it out. (Again I know, easier said than done...) I really hope he doesn't run into you though.

[Chump64]

I can see YOU wanting to tell his wife. I just don't think your wife's motivation is good. Unfortunately, I think you should have told the wife long ago, and now it may be too late. Then again, maybe not. Someone else might have a different opinion.

 

Have you thought about sending him a letter to lay out how you feel? I've got one that I'm going to mail to the OW in our situation. I'm giving a copy of it to my husband as well. I don't blame just the OW. I blame my spouse mostly, and with a lot more fury -- he is the one who married me, not her.

 

In our case, the OW and her husband were friends of ours and we will most definitely see them around town. This is a town of only about 70K people. They have a child who will be in the same high school as two of our children. Their child will be in the grade between our two, so there will most definitely be some interactions. Plus, the OW still works in the same building as my husband. (But he is moving in the fall.)

 

Sorry to hijack your thread.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I know I will sound like a broken record, but I strongly recommend counseling. It may really help her sort some issues out.

 

 

we did counseling the entire 8 months after d-day 1 and then 3 months after d-day 2.

 

 

We have talked about going back, or at least I have to help with some depression/self esteem issues. The depression has seemed to subside, but the self esteem is still an issue, BUT with help from other LSers, I have some insight to change that.

 

hhmmmm....ya know Chump....your first post on this thread really has some truth to it....gotta think of a way to bring it up to her. As to why she is still concerned or angry about what the OM is doing now.....hmmmm...can only be that she still thinks of him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Your wife's suddenly angry because she's recently faced the truth that she was just another notch on someone's belt. It's humiliating, I'm sure. But she can really resent no one except herself. There may even be some residual jealousy having discovered she wasn't as 'special' as she thought. With any luck, perhaps it will also help her to one day empathize with how she humiliated and disrespected you.

 

It's also understandable that you would feel angry having discovered that the stranger who violated the sanctity of your marriage didn't appreciate or respect your wife as much as you did. It stands to reason that you would feel protective and want to defend your wife's honor (and yours)… but it's also important to remember that this man didn't do anything to your wife that she wasn't open to. Regardless of her excuses or reasons.

 

I feel sorry for the woman this cad is married to, also. It's tempting to want to expose the rat and watch his world fall apart around him just as yours did. After all, who doesn't enjoy seeing a little poetic justice every now and again?

 

But I think I'm with you on the "it may be too late" part. Particularly now that it's been over year and you're finally on your way towards healing. Shaking things up again now may only serve to open old wounds and stall the process of being able to finally put this behind you. I can see how you both may feel vindicated initially, but you also might find yourselves sucked into the middle of someone else's marital turmoil. And then there's the aggravated work situation you'll also have to contend with. It would be better for your wife to just transfer or switch jobs if she is that uncomfortable watching her ex-lovers antics.

 

Besides, if this guy is still playing the same games, it's inevitable that he'll get careless and slip up eventually. Believe me, your wife isn't the only one talking at her workplace. He'll be busted eventually and you'll find dignity in knowing that you are the better man because your hands were never dirtied.

 

I'll probably get blasted for sarcastically advocating violence… but I have to admit, it sure would have been nice to see you get chance to pummel the crap out of him a year ago when you first found out.

 

But again, it's obvious that you are a better man than he is (a better person than a lot of us), and you should be proud of that. And hopefully one day, so will your wife…

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with Chump, TMW- she is wanting to tell because it's like, "How dare he move on to another woman?" Not out of the true concern for the other person.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Depending on your situation and the situation between OMMW and MM depends on if you should tell her..

1. Do you suspect that she isn't happy?

2. Do you suspect she suspects?

3. Do you think she secretly wants a excuse to push him out of the house?

 

 

Caviot: all I know is what my wife has told me from what OM has told her. So with that said, who knows what the truth is, given it is 3rd hand originating from the OM (like hes gonna say his wife is happy and meet all his needs )

 

1. Yes. according to what I know. She is a recluse and doesnt do much. Her mother lives with them too.

 

2. Not sure, if she does, she dont care or is too dependent on him to say anything.

 

3. Not really. she stays at home I guess. He makes very good money.

 

 

I can totally see why this OM does what he does. He doesnt have a wife who is outgoing, loveing, attrachtive, etc. He womanizies because he needs his needs met too.....just sucks that he encountered my wife when she was feeling unwanted by me. I garantee my wife wasnt the first OW nor will she be the last.

[whichwayisup]

So now knowing possibly why he cheats on his wife, do you think it is fair to ruin her life? I mean, you say she isn't that attractive, she isn't outgoing, she doesn't work and he supports her financially. What about her? Is she better off not knowing? Or will it ruin her life. Can she start over again? Can she survive alone? Just really think long and hard before you two decide to tell her. I understand your wife probably is pissed off, feels used by him, wonders what she meant to him. Is it really worth finding out though? I mean, either way she has to make her own closure with this and soon. You two have worked too hard to get to where you are now.

 

Take care.

[Bryanp]

To paraphrase Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Think about the message you gave to the OM when you did not tell his wife on how he cheated, put her health at risk for STD's and almost destroyed your marriage. The message from both of you by not saying anything is that apparently it is acceptable for him to continue to hurt his wife and continue to attempt to destroy other marriages without consequences. The message you gave him is that again apparently he could screw your wife behind your back as much as he wanted and you would accept his disrespect and humiliation toward you and never say anthing to his wife. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

What a message you have sent him.

[Chump64]

I don't understand why guys who are cheated on want to go beat up the other guy. Your WIFE is the real problem -- your WIFE is the one who promised herself to you and then crapped on those vows.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Your wife's suddenly angry because she's recently faced the truth that she was just another notch on someone's belt. It's humiliating, I'm sure. But she can really resent no one except herself. There may even be some residual jealousy having discovered she wasn't as 'special' as she thought. With any luck, perhaps it will also help her to one day empathize with how she humiliated and disrespected you.

 

It's also understandable that you would feel angry having discovered that the stranger who violated the sanctity of your marriage didn't appreciate or respect your wife as much as you did. It stands to reason that you would feel protective and want to defend your wife's honor (and yours)… but it's also important to remember that this man didn't do anything to your wife that she wasn't open to. Regardless of her excuses or reasons.

 

I feel sorry for the woman this cad is married to, also. It's tempting to want to expose the rat and watch his world fall apart around him just as yours did. After all, who doesn't enjoy seeing a little poetic justice every now and again?

 

But I think I'm with you on the "it may be too late" part. Particularly now that it's been over year and you're finally on your way towards healing. Shaking things up again now may only serve to open old wounds and stall the process of being able to finally put this behind you. I can see how you both may feel vindicated initially, but you also might find yourselves sucked into the middle of someone else's marital turmoil. And then there's the aggravated work situation you'll also have to contend with. It would be better for your wife to just transfer or switch jobs if she is that uncomfortable watching her ex-lovers antics.

 

Besides, if this guy is still playing the same games, it's inevitable that he'll get careless and slip up eventually. Believe me, your wife isn't the only one talking at her workplace. He'll be busted eventually and you'll find dignity in knowing that you are the better man because your hands were never dirtied.

 

I'll probably get blasted for sarcastically advocating violence… but I have to admit, it sure would have been nice to see you get chance to pummel the crap out of him a year ago when you first found out.

 

But again, it's obvious that you are a better man than he is (a better person than a lot of us), and you should be proud of that. And hopefully one day, so will your wife…

 

excellent post Enigma...and thanks for the kind word at the end

[ThumbingMyWay]

So now knowing possibly why he cheats on his wife, do you think it is fair to ruin her life? I mean, you say she isn't that attractive, she isn't outgoing, she doesn't work and he supports her financially. What about her? Is she better off not knowing? Or will it ruin her life. Can she start over again? Can she survive alone? Just really think long and hard before you two decide to tell her. I understand your wife probably is pissed off, feels used by him, wonders what she meant to him. Is it really worth finding out though? I mean, either way she has to make her own closure with this and soon. You two have worked too hard to get to where you are now.

 

Take care.

 

you always seem to show me the otherside so well. Thanks.

 

I truly think that it would ruin OM wife emotionally and phsycoligically (given what I know or at least what I have been told about her). So in a sence, I would get my pride satisfied by telling and seeing OM in pain and squirming to save face with his wife and family. BUT I also know telling her would send her off the deep end, again knowing what I have been told about her.

 

Most likely we will not tell her, but as chump and others have said, I truly think my wifes pride is hurt now, with the info she has heard regarding this OM helping this new women in the office.

 

OH and also my wife has mentioned how this new women in his office (who comes to her office location sometimes) has been talking about the OM and how funny he is and how nice he is......is just reinforces the pride factor in my wife, that she was played by this OM and that is what makes my wife angry...I think? So in a sence there is some jealousy on my wifes part...and that SUX to know that, after this long, she still does have some lingering feelings for OM......just SUX.

 

 

But on a brighter note, my wife is meeting with a placement agency to find a new job. Could come faster if you ask me, I think the sooner she gets out of the job she is in, the sooner she wont have to hear what the OM is up to. Plus the fact that she still deals with OM on business related issues via phone and email. BUT she reassure me it is strickly business, but there is always that fact the she is still in intermitten contact with him and untill it totally stops, In my opionion, she can never truley move on untill she has zero contact with him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't understand why guys who are cheated on want to go beat up the other guy. Your WIFE is the real problem -- your WIFE is the one who promised herself to you and then crapped on those vows.

 

I feel this way as well Chump.

 

All I can tell you that is that the BS almost always harbors the worst feelings of the OM/OW. Especially if they are in recovery. It's easier I guess to blame the OM/OW rather than take a look at the spouse, especially if you're going to stay together. Once the attention is turned to the om/ow its easier not to look at the WW with disgust.

 

My current husband was cheated on in his last marriage. She left him for the OM and was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. He used to also put more blame on OM than he did on his exwife.

 

It just seems to be the way that it is.

[ThumbingMyWay]

He used to also put more blame on OM than he did on his exwife.

 

It just seems to be the way that it is.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

I do put alot of blame on the OM. But the truth is, my wife chased him too. And she has admitted that she wanted to be with him. She liked being with him. She choose to have the affair too.

 

BUT, I have been through the angry emotions with the wife, but we are still together and I have been able to work thru the angry i had towards her.

 

BUT I have had no contact with OM, so my hatred (I realy hate to use the word hate) and anger gets projected to him mostly. as you said, it just seems that the OM/OW gets most of the hate I guess.

[Sup?]

In a way... It's like your wife got hers in the end, from what you said, about finding out stuff about OM. Almost poetic justice