confusedHusband Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 my wife has been in touch with her old college boyfriend . They talk on the phone and through email. I have never heard any conversations (she never talks to him in front of me) and I have not seen the emails. The gentleman she "talks" to is also married with children. This past week the wife of the gentleman called me to tell me that her husband and my wife were involved in an affair. my first instinct was to defend my wife and I was cordial to the woman but I told her that I trust my wife and in so many words told her I did not believe her. She told me to check my wifes email and cell phone bills and I could see for myself. my wife told me that the woman was nuts and there was nothing going on. My wife has been distant and cold for some time now, but I never put two and two together. do you think my wife REALLY is having an affair with this man ? the wife of this man told me to feel free to call her anytime. I feel a little embarrassed to call her after pretty much not beliving her when she called me. but I want to listen to everything she has to say now. should I demand that my wife cut off all contact with this man? Their relationship makes me uncomfortable. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would never do anything that would make my wife uncomfortable. we have been married for a long time and have 3 great children. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Their relationship makes me uncomfortable. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would never do anything that would make my wife uncomfortable. I have friends that I talk to on nearly a daily basis. None of them are opposite sex friends. The reason for that is because if my husband were to do it...if the 'shoe were on the other foot"....it would make ME uncomfortable. So, I'm not going to break 'The Golden Rule" and treat him in a way that I wouldn't want to be treated. It's possible that your wife is 'just friends' with this guy. It's also possible that she's having at least an Emotional Affair with him. In either event, their 'friendship' has introduced a strain into BOTH of their marriages. The reason why the OM's wife exposed this possible affair to you is that she wants your help in busting it up. It's become a problem to her, and she's uncomfortable with it just the same as you are. What's more, because her husband is getting his need for opposite-sex conversation and attention from your wife....he's not going to his own wife to get these important ENs (emotional needs) met. This introduces emotional distance into their relationship. That holds true for your relationship as well. Hence your previous statement: " My wife has been distant and cold for some time now...." Your wife is allowing someone else to meet these important ENs for her. She's not looking to YOU right now. This is why opposite sex friendships cause problems in primary relationships. My girlfriends don't fulfill my need for male attention, so we can talk all we want....but in the end, I still have an EN for my husband's conversation and attention. You said that your wife has these conversations when you aren't around, and that is also a RED FLAG. Why bother to hide an innocent friendship? I think that you will need to know EXACTLY what's going on in order to determine how to address it. If your wife is engaged in an EA....she's not going to want to give it up. The fantasy aspects of all affairs are highly addictive. The body is actually supplying a 'feel-good' chemical reaction in association with the WS's object of affection. A WS (wayward spouse) is in some regards a junkie looking for their next 'fix'. If you feel like you want to call and talk with the OM's wife...then by all means do so. It is your wife who opened this door by allowing a cause for doubt. So, she doesn't have a leg to stand on in terms of objection. Afterall, if her story is true and she's innocent of inappropriate behavior...then you will be merely reassured with her truthfulness, right? In the meantime, if your name is on the account, you can call your cell phone company and get detail records. That can be accomplished online as well. You might also check your bank statements and email accounts. I don't think that you have cause to panic just yet. It could be that your wife just doesn't realize the damage that she's causing. But you probably should do a little investigating. You can't solve a problem until after you've identified it, right? Link to post Share on other sites
whats wrong with me Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 Heres what I have a problem with that situation that leads me to believe your wife is having an affair... a The other lady called you b + the "relationship" is bothering her ___________________________________ c the other guy has no respect for his wife or he would stop d + your wife says the lady is crazy _____________________________________ e your wife has no respect for the other lady F + now its bothering you ________________________________________ = how much do you think they respect you? Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 it is highly likely that there is an emotional affair going on, at least, from what you say. call the other wife up and apologise, ask her to share her information with you. she will be glad that you will listen. she needs your support, if this is really going on. you will need to gather all evidence before confronting your wife, otherwise she will deny it, you need proof. perhaps you and the other wife can coordinate. once you have the evidence, then yes i would insist she cut off all contact. this is probably going to be hard for you from an emotional point of view. these forums are great places to vent. you may want to see a marriage counselor with your wife as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whats wrong with me Posted January 28, 2006 Share Posted January 28, 2006 This is exactly why I read these posts I believe that is very good calm advice. Alot of people would say leave, or do something drastic. Link to post Share on other sites
whatnext? Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Confused, having gone thru an experience like this recently - where i found out that there had been an EA going on, i can only tell you that based on my experience you need to do the following: 1. remain calm and have a full and frank discussion with your wife - she needs to be open and honest with you on every question. if she gets defensive of covers up - that will not work. 2. trust your feelings. i suppressed my feelings as being paranoid - but there was something going on in my case. 3. once you find everything out - take some time to think. Don't let this eat you up - you need to discuss things - until you are satisfied. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Actually, I disagree somewhat here. I DO think your wife is having an affair. But what you need to do first is to get irrefutable proof so that your wife can no longer deny this affair. First, do what Lady Jane suggested with checking your wife's cell phone records...odds are you're going to find FAR more calls than you expected...likely several calls a day. Second...get a keylogger installed on your computer so that you can gain access to her email and IM accounts. This should let you see ANY email account information...not just the one(s) that you know about now. It will also let you see everything that she types on the computer. Do NOT tell her that you're doing any of this, nor should you even talk with her about the call from OMW. Simply go on about your business for a short time...until you have the 'proof' you need. THEN confront her with it. But do NOT show her the proof or tell her how you got it. Keep your ability to 'spy' if you will...at least until you KNOW the affair has ended. Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website...great information there to help you out. Link to post Share on other sites
dademurphy Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 I cannot say for sure, but I can tell you to be careful. I would begin to distance myself emotionally slightly so if it is the case, the pain might be lessened. Look, I am giving advice, yet I cannot solve my own relationship issues. Isn;t that always the case? Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Want to know what she types? http://home.rochester.rr.com/artcfox/TinyKL/ It's a keylogger, read the instructions and set it up. This will give you the proof on the emails. Talk to the man's wife. She would have no reason to lie to you. The way things are adding up, it would sound like she's having an affair. My aunt was married over 30 years, had a daughter. Her & her husband had a great marriage. He died 4 months ago, however just a month ago she found a safe. Inside this safe was pictures of him & this other woman and a divorce paper signed by him. She had no clue he was cheating on her or even gotten divorce papers. You need to protect yourself. Go with your gut instinct. Go with your head over your heart on this one.. Link to post Share on other sites
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