harleygirl92156 Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 My husband had an affair with a woman he works with for nearly a year. In that time he had sex with her only three times and was drunk all three times. There were also some oral sex encounters when not drunk, so she says. He says there were no emotions involved. He had no feelings for her, she was just a drunken sex partner. He saw her everyday at work and remained friends with her for over a year after the physical affair was ended by her because she got a serious boyfriend. I say there were emotions involved, had to be, it went on too long for there not to be. What do you all think? Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 I think ANY affair (aside from a drunken ONS where the two participants can barely see each other) has emotional ties. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 If there were emotional ties, he would have slept with her more regularly. It sounds like it was just drunken sex. He basically had 3 one-night stands with her in a drunk state. What's the difference between 1 and 3? The fact that they were friends and saw each other every day at work confirms his statement that there were no emotions involved. I wouldn't even call it an affair. It didn't go for a year. He only had 3 drunken intercourses with her and co-worker's friendly relationship. I would believe him about "no emotions involved." Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 Hey Harleygirl, I am so sorry to hear that happen.. I don't understand why he is blaming it on the drinking why he slept with her.. i can see one time but he did this three times ... i don't believe that it was because of the alcohol ..Cheating is cheating no matter what .. Good luck hope it all works out!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2005 Share Posted September 27, 2005 My husband had an affair with a woman he works with for nearly a year. In that time he had sex with her only three times and was drunk all three times. There were also some oral sex encounters when not drunk, so she says. He says there were no emotions involved. He had no feelings for her, she was just a drunken sex partner. He saw her everyday at work and remained friends with her for over a year after the physical affair was ended by her because she got a serious boyfriend. I say there were emotions involved, had to be, it went on too long for there not to be. What do you all think? Re-read your post. You answered your own questions actually without even knowing it. He said there were no emotions involved. Well, why did he remain friends with her if there were no feelings? HE wants you to believe that there were no feelings. Once is a mistake, twice is a coincidence and three times is a habit. And oral sex, talking and fooling around counts as sex. Maybe not FULL ON sex, but it still a sexual act. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 Re-read your post. You answered your own questions actually without even knowing it. He said there were no emotions involved. Well, why did he remain friends with her if there were no feelings? HE wants you to believe that there were no feelings. Once is a mistake, twice is a coincidence and three times is a habit. And oral sex, talking and fooling around counts as sex. Maybe not FULL ON sex, but it still a sexual act. My thoughts exactly......just wanted some other opinions!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 If there were emotional ties, he would have slept with her more regularly. It sounds like it was just drunken sex. He basically had 3 one-night stands with her in a drunk state. What's the difference between 1 and 3? The fact that they were friends and saw each other every day at work confirms his statement that there were no emotions involved. I wouldn't even call it an affair. It didn't go for a year. He only had 3 drunken intercourses with her and co-worker's friendly relationship. I would believe him about "no emotions involved." What about the oral sex after work when sober that happened so many times neither of them can really say how often, but are pretty sure at least once a week. THAT IS SEX.....not intercourse, but sex. There were emotions involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted September 27, 2005 Author Share Posted September 27, 2005 Hey Harleygirl, I am so sorry to hear that happen.. I don't understand why he is blaming it on the drinking why he slept with her.. i can see one time but he did this three times ... i don't believe that it was because of the alcohol ..Cheating is cheating no matter what .. Good luck hope it all works out!!! I don't buy the I was drunk everytime and that is why it happened **** either. It was a full blown emotions involved affair. Just because they both happen to be alcoholics just made it easier and convenient as I don't drink. I believe she was there, friends at first, someone he could RELATE to about drinking if you will and then it got emotional and the sex started. The feelings remained after she ended it because she got a serious boyfriend that was not married and hubby got shut out on the sex end of it, but they did still go drinking together. Her, her boyfriend, a friend of hers and my hubby......hummm....yes I caught them together in his truck(the friend) but put a stop to things before it got hot and heavy. Scared the crap out of her and she didn't go again. The friendship was strong and lasted long.....so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 What about the oral sex after work when sober that happened so many times neither of them can really say how often, but are pretty sure at least once a week. THAT IS SEX.....not intercourse, but sex. There were emotions involved. I didn't say it was NOT sex or he is not a scum. I just said that it sounds to me like no emotions were involved - just sexual desire. If repeated sex means love for you then you have a different theory on it. What about friends with benefits who have sex pretty regularly, with no emotions involved? Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 If there were emotional ties, he would have slept with her more regularly. QUOTE] Isn't this a bit contradictory? Separating love and sex is tricky at the best of times. Often one leads to the other, regardless of how it starts. I think Harleygirl, you are going through that horrible stage where you run out of excuses that you can make to yourself and are seeing it for what it was. Not nice, but I believe it is part of the process of dealing with it. Your h wants you to believe that there were no emotions because it can be dealt with faster. However, these things have a habit of coming back to bite you on the bum if not dealt with. Take your time. It is painful but you will get through it. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 He says there were no emotions involved. He had no feelings for her, she was just a drunken sex partner. I imagine he knew that if he told you anything other than this, it would demolish you and likely destroy any chance for him continuing to remain in your life. I'm sure he does not feel now like he did then when he was involved with her, but... Can you imagine him saying "There were emotions involved at the time, and I did not want to lose her. I was infatuated with her, and at the time I thought I loved her. The sex was drunken, but it was hot and I had to go back for more." Can you imagine him even having the nuts to hint at that with you? I expect that he wants to just put this behind him, but I can understand the need to know how he felt at the time so that you can deal with it and move on. It is all to easy to tell the BS to just "get over it" and "move on" - but I know that when something like this goes down, sometimes you just have to KNOW - its like a thorn in your brain, digging and digging. Until you know, I don't expect you will move on easily. It is absolutely necessary that he know how important it is to you to fill in these missing pieces. If you need to hear this, or need to know whether or not he felt that way - then bring it up in a counseling session (are you guys in counseling together? For some reason I thought you were, but if you aren't you may want to consider it! There's so much you two need to say to each other - stuff that is painful to say and even more painful to hear but it is apparent these unsaid things are still causing residual problems between the two of you.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted September 28, 2005 Author Share Posted September 28, 2005 I didn't say it was NOT sex or he is not a scum. I just said that it sounds to me like no emotions were involved - just sexual desire. If repeated sex means love for you then you have a different theory on it. What about friends with benefits who have sex pretty regularly, with no emotions involved? During the time this was going on, in reality he spent more time with her each day for two years than he did with me. He had to have feelings for her. You don't carry on with someone for that long without feelings being involved. Friends with benefits, yes, but you have feelings for friends, especially friends with benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted September 28, 2005 Share Posted September 28, 2005 During the time this was going on, in reality he spent more time with her each day for two years than he did with me. He had to have feelings for her. You don't carry on with someone for that long without feelings being involved. Friends with benefits, yes, but you have feelings for friends, especially friends with benefits. He had an emotional bond with her then, no doubt. I think its like LB said, he wasn't going to tell you but so much. For you to learn about the physical affair is heart breaking enough, but for emotions to be involved along with it, is even worse. He may have been drunk when he was with her sexually but he wasn't when he was going out/spending time with her for 2 years, which means he had an emotional bond. I'm so sorry this has happened. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Harly, I don't know what you want to believe, but they were not really in a relationship. In a relationship you make love more often than 3 times a year (in the first year at least) and a few BJs. It just sounds to me from what you wrote that there were no real emotions involved. But if you think there were, you know best. You're his wife. Being frinds + lovers doesn't equal being in love although being in love understands taht you're fridns plus lovers. Feelings do matter. If he says he didn't love her then he didn't. Unless you think he is lying, but then he might be lying about everything. Maybe he slept 100 times with her. I feel for your pain. Do you have children? Link to post Share on other sites
Passing By Posted September 29, 2005 Share Posted September 29, 2005 Harley, you asked what people think. Here's what I think. He lied to you. He did not care enough about his marriage to you to remain faithful. He behaved selfishly and without conscience, with complete disregard for his relationship with you. He confided with this other woman, conspired with her to keep their relationship a secret from you, had sex with her (and quite frankly probably more than they are admitting to), had the most intimate type of contact there is with her. He broke his promise to you to be faithful. It was an affair. It doesn't matter if he didn't love her. It's not about his feelings for her. That's what I think. I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I still hurt also. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted September 30, 2005 Author Share Posted September 30, 2005 Harly, I don't know what you want to believe, but they were not really in a relationship. In a relationship you make love more often than 3 times a year (in the first year at least) and a few BJs. It just sounds to me from what you wrote that there were no real emotions involved. But if you think there were, you know best. You're his wife. Being frinds + lovers doesn't equal being in love although being in love understands taht you're fridns plus lovers. Feelings do matter. If he says he didn't love her then he didn't. Unless you think he is lying, but then he might be lying about everything. Maybe he slept 100 times with her. I feel for your pain. Do you have children? I know for a fact they only had sex three times in a year. Without a doubt. Won't go into the details, but it is fact for sure. I don't think he LOVED her, I just feel there were emotional ties along with sex. We have three grown sons and 4 grandchildren....why? Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Harley, you asked what people think. Here's what I think. He lied to you. He did not care enough about his marriage to you to remain faithful. He behaved selfishly and without conscience, with complete disregard for his relationship with you. He confided with this other woman, conspired with her to keep their relationship a secret from you, had sex with her (and quite frankly probably more than they are admitting to), had the most intimate type of contact there is with her. He broke his promise to you to be faithful. It was an affair. It doesn't matter if he didn't love her. It's not about his feelings for her. That's what I think. I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I still hurt also. Do yuo believe that if your husband tells you that he slept with HER out of fear? IS that stroy believable. I am trying to vent therories which are acceptable and whichone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author harleygirl92156 Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 Do yuo believe that if your husband tells you that he slept with HER out of fear? IS that stroy believable. I am trying to vent therories which are acceptable and whichone. Why would he sleep with her out of fear, can you explain that. What would fear have to do with him having and affair that involved emotions? Link to post Share on other sites
opheliaapplegate Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 i know you must be going through such a hard time deciding what to think and feel for your husband but let me confess something to you ...i was in a 3 year affair with a co-worker who was also married. We only had full blown out sex 1 time ... we had numerous other rondesveous and then we spent many times together just working and enjoying sharing the same space .... we tried to end the affair about a dozen times both of us guilt ridden but yet the affair continued, we could not keep away from eachother.... TO this date the affair is over and i am deeply devasted by this loss.... but there are too many people to hurt and a big part of me felt for his wife and kids so my hope at this point is that we both can rebuild our relationships with our spouses... to know me is not to think that i would ever do such a thing but he fulfilled a need for me and i for him ... it was only about a few months ago that he told me he loved me.... but... not enough to lose his family and so that is my saga... so from my experience i have learned alot and what i want to tell you is this ... that if your husband and this women had "real" emotions for eachother they would not have been able to end it and remain friends without being iwth eachother. She obviously found someone else ... i am not certain to why he needed to have an affair and that is the issue you need to explore.... my thought is that he was using her and she him.... i know from experience that working with someone and ending an affair with them makes it impossible to remain "buddies" its too "emotionally" hard for both of them not just her. So desire to remain friends could've been his way of keeping the door open cause ya never know if she had a fight with the boyfriend or if they broke up they could hook up again.... Link to post Share on other sites
LifeRealistic Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 sex does not equal emotional ties - someone said he would have had sex with her more if there were- thats not true- at all. Ask a guy how long he waited to have sex with a girl - once he finally feel in true love. So that whole issue is out of the window. Second of all, a marriage can last years without emotions ; why would an affair be any different. I hope you two can heal and work on things if you truley love one another. All my best Link to post Share on other sites
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