FlyFish Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I was married for 13 years. My wife and I had 3 children together and I adopted another 1 of her children from a previous relationship. Our marriage had its share of bumps, particularly early on. Eventually we did some marriage therapy and in my view got to a really place together. The last several years were seemingly really good. 2 years ago she started an affair. It took me about 4 months to discover it. Once discovered I confronted her, kicked her out and filed for divorce. When I discovered the affair I told everyone! She continued the relationship with the OM for a little while (denying it publicly however) and then he left her to reconcile with his wife. It seemed their relationship ruined two marriages. For the next year she tried to come back to me about every two months. Almost like clock work. I would say no. She was living on her own and working on herself which seemed like a great thing on her part. A few months ago I finally caved. She said and did all the right things. I'm well read on infidelity so I thought I was going into this with my eyes open. We had a really good marriage for years, the thought of having my family back together, and some time passing allowed my heart to soften enough to try. Things were going excellent. I asked lots of questions regarding why she did it and asked for a lot reaffirmations regarding the future. She checked all the boxes and we quickly slipped into the comfort we seemed to enjoy for so long together. It was actually really fun to get back into some of our old patterns, almost like an old friend returning to my life. Old inside jokes suddenly came back to life...etc. We decided to move back in together and made the announcement to the kids. The kids were very excited but also a bit nervous. However she promised them that she was staying for good and would never leave dad again. (Even though I kicked her out initially the two older kids were smart enough to know mom was really leaving and something was going on. My oldest doesn't trust her. Says her behavior is odd and knows she had an affair.) Unbelievably, or rather predictably, suddenly out of nowhere her behavior turned odd and the affair behavior was back about 2 weeks ago. Within just a few days she left me again before we could actually move in together. All she said was I "dim her light" and that reconciling with me was making her slip into a depression. Long story short I discovered the relationship with the OM has been going on essentially for the entire two years and now she is back with him. This took some digging. Don't ask. But it's confirmed. Her side of the bed isn't even cold yet! They have never gone public with their relationship. My kids don't know and neither do his about the relationship beyond the initial discovery of the affair. Her family knows nothing beyond the initial discovery of the infidelity as well but everyone believes that relationship ended long ago. They just think she's alone and trying to figure stuff out aside from our recent reconciliation attempt. This has set me back. I'm going through all the steps. I've been here before but so much progress lost. But the reason why I'm posting is I am really stuck on why?! What can she be getting from this guy that is worth all of this pain and destruction, loss of a stable situation, confusion to kids, and hiding it for virtually 2 years, etc. Is he really that great? Why did she keep trying to come back to me? I've read about a lot of infidelity but this one baffles me. Maybe I'm just too close to it. Just trying to cope. Side note. She is really cash strapped and OM seems to be avoiding commitment. Seems like she wants the relationship more than he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 The affair was never exposed to your kids, family, WW's family, the OMW or his family. This is why the affair never ended. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I'll never understand why a BS thinks helping hide the affair is their job. Consequences are a good thing. OP the affair is all on her but how you handled it is on you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 But the reason why I'm posting is I am really stuck on why?! What can she be getting from this guy that is worth all of this pain and destruction, loss of a stable situation, confusion to kids, and hiding it for virtually 2 years, etc. Is he really that great? Why did she keep trying to come back to me? I've read about a lot of infidelity but this one baffles me. Maybe I'm just too close to it. Just trying to cope. Side note. She is really cash strapped and OM seems to be avoiding commitment. Seems like she wants the relationship more than he does. She's a cake eater. She likes the comfort of the family but wants the affair on the side. The best of both worlds. You have shown her the marriage means more to you than it does her. In essence you've taught her how she can treat you. Cash strapped is her problem. You should file and divorce her as well as inform everyone why. You are keeping yourself in this mess. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Only guesses as to why she did what she did. The one solid fact that she convincingly demonstrated and should determine your future action is that you are Plan B. If you can accept that, then wait around another two years for her next reconciliation attempt but if not, tell the lawyer to serve her. You deserve to move forward with someone who wants what you have to offer. Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Aw, I'm sorry. What a hard thing to have to deal with for so long and so confusing to the kids, too. That comment about you dim her light, that would be enough for me, mostly because that is how she feels. She is just not in commitment mode. I'm surprised she had so many kids, but I guess they were stimulating to her. I guess now she's bored. That's her problem. I'm 66 and one thing I've noticed is there are people who are generally happy and make the best of things and those who are generally dissatisfied no matter how rich their lives are. And not much you can do about it except let them go on their quest. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 But the reason why I'm posting is I am really stuck on why?! What can she be getting from this guy that is worth all of this pain and destruction, loss of a stable situation, confusion to kids, and hiding it for virtually 2 years, etc. Is he really that great? Why did she keep trying to come back to me? I've read about a lot of infidelity but this one baffles me. Maybe I'm just too close to it. Just trying to cope. FlyFish, I'm afraid some of the tough love you're getting is unfortunately well earned. Why is she doing this again? Because she did it last time with very little cost. You both kept the affair quiet, you did the pick-me dance and eventually took her back. What did she really lose? I'd guess she's betting you'll be the same chump again. Might be a little harder to convince you this time, but eventually you'll cave and let her "come home". Only you can get off the infidelity merry-go-round. You get what you permit, so the choices you'll make going forward will define the future for you and your kids. I can only imagine what this has been like for them, their heads must be spinning as much as yours. Time to take control and give her what she obviously wants, needs and deserves - a divorce and life without you. Sorry this has happened - again... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 The Why: because the affair never ended and she gains her self worth from HIS attention, not yours. Doesn't mean he's better than you. It is just that your currency has no value to her and his does. It is impossible to understand really, it just is. People's minds are wired that way. The Future: It is clear to you now that there was no real change after you DDay and your reconciliation. There was no reconciliation. At least not genuinely so. Expose them. Write her off. Divorce her and don't look back. There is NO way you could ever trust her again after her deception this second time around so why bother. I'm sorry dude. But, and this is coming from a divorced father of two who is probably your same age, there are some amazing women out there. Have fun and no need to waste any more of your time on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Once discovered I confronted her, kicked her out and filed for divorce. When I discovered the affair I told everyone! It doesn't read he kept it quiet. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 You're right I missed that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlyFish Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 Guys..when I discovered the affair I told everyone! I kicked her out. And I did finish the divorce. We are divorced. I was moving on with my life in every way. A few months after kicking her out she told everyone that the relationship ended. That was a lie. But I wasnt with her anymore. What I’m saying is it was portrayed as she was just alone trying to figure out her life and she came back saying she saw the error of her ways. I only discovered in the last week that this relationship actually was going on the entire time. Just secretly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlyFish Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 Thanks MRin. Nice response. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Nice job on getting the D. She's not worth anymore of your time. What you should do now is limit contact. Only respond to texts or emails kids only. Never answer a phone call from her. On pickups/drop offs limit it to a 3 minute exercise. Zero engagement. Keep very thing separate. Holidays, birthdays etc. if not you'll never move on like you should've. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlyFish Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 Aw, I'm sorry. What a hard thing to have to deal with for so long and so confusing to the kids, too. That comment about you dim her light, that would be enough for me, mostly because that is how she feels. She is just not in commitment mode. I'm surprised she had so many kids, but I guess they were stimulating to her. I guess now she's bored. That's her problem. I'm 66 and one thing I've noticed is there are people who are generally happy and make the best of things and those who are generally dissatisfied no matter how rich their lives are. And not much you can do about it except let them go on their quest. This makes the most sense based on my experience with her! Never quite thought of it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlyFish Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 And to be clear...I am done! Should’ve held that line. I feel stupid for not. But I am done. I was just trying to make some sense of it all. I’m sure we all feel this way but when you spend that much time with someone you think you know them. It makes it hard to understand I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 When it's about your family, of course you give it a second chance. If you didn't, you'd be on here regretting that instead. Now it's over, I wish you and your family the best accepting it and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 And to be clear...I am done! Should’ve held that line. I feel stupid for not. But I am done. I was just trying to make some sense of it all. I’m sure we all feel this way but when you spend that much time with someone you think you know them. It makes it hard to understand I guess. You are a fool. Not for letting her come back. No. That was just normal trusting behavior. You were assuming she was a genuine person who learned from her mistakes. The foolish thing is now, after seeing that she is a truly mentally disordered person, you try and figure out why she does what she does. She is crazy. Dangerously crazy. Run away and stay away. Don't try and figure out the crazy. You will go crazy trying to figure her out. She is not like us. She doesn't care about people like you and I do. She does not have normal empathy like you and I do. Your brain does not work like hers and you will never understand it. Stop trying. You are hurting yourself by trying to figure this out. Forget her and the why. Sorry you are having to go through this. Best wishes for your future including a future that does not allow her to take up room in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 You are trying to make sense out of nonsense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I have no actual advice to offer as you've been given plenty already..just offering support. Good luck FlyFish! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I was just trying to make some sense of it all. The only honest thing my ex-wife said to me when we finally divorced was she came back for a (false) reconciliation attempt because she literally didn't know where else to go. Her AP went back to his wife, couldn't make it on her own so I was the only choice left. Your wife may have seen herself in a similar circumstance... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 You aren't a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 (edited) Brother I feel your pain, you did everything correctly both in the marriage (accepting and adopting her child). Provided a home, hit a rough patch and undertook MC, yet being the selfish WW, she cheated. DD would have been full of emotions, you informed all of her infidelity and showed her the door. Keep your head held high, she played your emotions, lies to your children for years; and keep the MM in her life. Lying to all of her family. Time to go scorched earth on her cheating ass! Inform every one that she was gaslighting everyone regarding her past two years. As she is strapped for cash and the MM isn’t really wanting to support all of your children. Can you re file and go for 50/50 custody? You can provide a more nurturing environment than a cash strapped exW that has a POS that doesn’t want to really commit to raising your four children. That way there is minimal financial support paid to her. Be NC but if you have to communicate be polite if she is seeking information pertaining to children. Do the 180. Look after yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be number 1 in your children eyes. Good luck Scorched Earth her behind! Edited July 19, 2019 by Buffer Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 You are no fool, but you did make a mistake. Easy to do when you want to get back to "Disneyland" for your family. Fortunately, you can recover. Ignore her as much as possible. As in totally ignore her unless it is for your kids. She is seriously damaged goods and dangerous for you and your mental state. Treat her as such. Good luck. Better days are ahead without her in your life - even if she would have been 'the good wife' the 2nd go around. You could have never really trusted her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 19, 2019 Share Posted July 19, 2019 I feel stupid for not. I'd say you were "thorough" ..not stupid. Now you know for sure: Mr. Sparkleturd ain't all that and you're not dim. She's just broken. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted July 20, 2019 Share Posted July 20, 2019 She's a cake eater. She likes the comfort of the family but wants the affair on the side. The best of both worlds. This is it. When she has one she misses the other. She married you because you're a good family man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts