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Wife reconnected with childhood friend, should I be concerned?


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Through social media, my wife reconnected with an old childhood friend of her family's. She's 30 and he's 22 years older and divorced. He was kind of like her dad growing up because she didn't have one and he took her to baseball games, swimming, bowling, movies, Etc. I've met him and everything and we all casually hang out..he seems okay. However, they sometimes do things during the day while I'm at work such as go to a movie, or go to lunch. because of their background I didn't mind so much and she doesn't do this with any other guys. On the Fourth of July, I had to work so she spent the day with him and his boys which he sees part time. They went fishing and swimming at a lake then they had a barbecue and went to go see fireworks afterwards. I guess it kind of struck me when I saw some FB posts of her with his family that day I don't think anything has happened sexually that is, or crossing any line but it does kind of feel weird to see them acting like a family together. Would I be out of line to ask them not to spend so much time together or does that make me sound paranoid and controlling?

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From what you posted it doesn’t sound like anything is amiss but it is your marriage too so I would have a talk with her and explain the situation.

 

Do it cool, calmly and collected.

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From what you posted it doesn’t sound like anything is amiss but it is your marriage too so I would have a talk with her and explain the situation.

 

Do it cool, calmly and collected.

 

If you have great conversations and communication then raise it as per Marc says.

The FB photos may be a good way to bring it up saying you look like a happy family, it kind of hurt me. Then just start talking openly and with out jealous references or accusing tones.

Buffer.

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I do see anything wrong, I think she may see him as her dad. As long as they do dad/ daughter types things..like see action or comedy movies as oppose to romantic movies it's fine. I think you might have missed spending the holiday together, but be happy, she sounds like she had a fun day.

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Turning point

They don't need to have a sexual relationship to undermine your marriage. The real question here is: "who does she turn to for her EMOTIONAL support?

 

That person has to be you. If she ends up talking to "dad" about the shortcomings in her marriage or husband then that triangulation is going to undermine your marriage even if without any romantic interest.

 

The man in her life needs to be you, and the boundaries need to be very clearly PRACTICED.

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Beendaredonedat
As long as they do dad/ daughter types things..like see action or comedy movies as oppose to romantic movies it's fine.
I fail to see what the type of movie they see has to do with anything. The fact they are spending one-on-one time together doing date like things (like watching a movie) IMO crosses some very fundamental romantic relationship boundaries.

 

I think you might have missed spending the holiday together, but be happy, she sounds like she had a fun day.
I'm sure she did but I also fail to see how her having fun makes her spending time with a man other than her husband something that he shouldn't worry about????

 

Op: I'd talk to her about how her spending so much time with him hurts you, particularly when they are on facebook acting like they are the family and he is the S.O. I'm sure your own friends and family are wondering whats going on. If nothing else, it looks inappropriate which is disrespectful to you.

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They don't need to have a sexual relationship to undermine your marriage. The real question here is: "who does she turn to for her EMOTIONAL support?

 

That person has to be you. If she ends up talking to "dad" about the shortcomings in her marriage or husband then that triangulation is going to undermine your marriage even if without any romantic interest.

 

The man in her life needs to be you, and the boundaries need to be very clearly PRACTICED.

 

This is correct. While it may not be anything now this is how affairs develope. From what I've seen age, physical attraction doesn't matter. If you spend enough one on one time with someone it can turn into a relationship.

 

It happens all the time.

 

Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Glass

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I fail to see what the type of movie they see has to do with anything. The fact they are spending one-on-one time together doing date like things (like watching a movie) IMO crosses some very fundamental romantic relationship boundaries

 

I would agree with you if it was some guys she met after they were married, but is appears they were close in her childhood years...maybe if the OP elaborates?

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Why are you not included in these outings? Does he avoid interaction with you? Are you avoiding interaction with him?

 

Insist that you be part of the new family.

 

Best Wishes

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Would I be out of line to ask them not to spend so much time together or does that make me sound paranoid and controlling?

 

 

No asking doesn't make you sound paranoid or controlling. Trying to forbid her from interacting with him would be a problem.

 

Just talk to her about it & confess that you feel jealous that she spends more time with him then you. Be sweet about it but make her aware of the presence of the Green-Eyed Monster & ask her to be more respectful of your concerns. Talk to her about things you & she can do together more often. (translation you bring the romance back to your marriage) A good spouse will accommodate you. Somebody with bad intentions will attack you for asking & start gas lighting you.

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Yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree with most of what's been said so far.

 

The facts of the matter are:

1. Their history is almost of a parent/guardian nature.

2. The FB posts are innocuous and raise no red flags.

3. There does not to be any attempt to exclude him from events or activities, simply that he was unavailable.

 

Bryanguy2, you were stuck at work, she had a great time and you got a bit jelly, that's normal. Don't let that carry into a bigger problem. If she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her, then it's pretty offensive to her for you to decide she now has limits to who she can see and when. Unless you begin to be excluded, or things change which make you believe there is truly more there, there is nothing to gain by declaring your jealousy. It isn't her job to make you feel secure in trusting her, you either trust her or don't.

 

Also, if her relationship with this man was almost like a parent/child relationship, any implication that she will sleep with him would likely disgust her and definitely offend her.

 

MV

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This is correct. While it may not be anything now this is how affairs develope.
She isn't going to develop a relationship and start having sex with a guy that is 22 years older than her (her dad's age) that she has already known all her life.

 

But that is some really heavy insecurities, inadequacies, and fears coming from you. THAT is what is going to destroy what you have,...not the "old guy". That Old Guy is nothing more than a catalyst or magnifying glass that is suddenly revealing your own problems.

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BettyDraper
She isn't going to develop a relationship and start having sex with a guy that is 22 years older than her (her dad's age) that she has already known all her life.

 

But that is some really heavy insecurities, inadequacies, and fears coming from you. THAT is what is going to destroy what you have,...not the "old guy". That Old Guy is nothing more than a catalyst or magnifying glass that is suddenly revealing your own problems.

 

Women date and sleep with older men all the time. Nevertheless, the OP doesn't have anything to worry about.

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Women date and sleep with older men all the time. Nevertheless, the OP doesn't have anything to worry about.
I should make my contact info easier to find :D
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She isn't going to develop a relationship and start having sex with a guy that is 22 years older than her (her dad's age) that she has already known all her life.

 

But that is some really heavy insecurities, inadequacies, and fears coming from you. THAT is what is going to destroy what you have,...not the "old guy". That Old Guy is nothing more than a catalyst or magnifying glass that is suddenly revealing your own problems.

 

It happens all the time. You are extremely naive

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Turning point

Why is it presumed that the relationship in her childhood years was an entirely appropriate one? At who's request did he step in and take on this responsibility, and was it unqualified or unsupervised? Was he a legal guardian or acting with very little oversight or parental authority?

 

Playing daddy to a young girl not of your relation is not automatically "ok" even if it's not overtly sexual. Why the long hiatus in contact with someone presumed to be a key element in her childhood? Why did "surrogate daddy" leave the scene and now all these years later accelerates right into riding shotgun again?

 

While there's nothing strictly bizarre about reconnecting with people, as the father of four daughters I'm not unfamiliar with the hazards that come in this kind of wrapper. The people who do us harm generally appeal to us through our sympathy rather than our fear. They rely on our default nature of granting benefit of doubt - which is ultimately our undoing.

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loversquarrel

Its inappropriate op. It's simple, every woman I know would not behave like this with a BIOLOGICAL dad. Listen to your gut op, it's more truthful than you think.

 

I am the father of three daughters and I'd be rolling over in my grave if one of them behaved like this with a family friend. Cut the shyt, shes 30 not 13.

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Why isn’t she seeing him when you’re with her?

 

You should set up some guidelines/boundaries about her seeing him.

 

Number one should be to include you. If you can’t be there then she doesn’t go.

 

Do you feel threatened by the time she’s with him?

 

Yes, you should tell her how this makes you feel.

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To answer some of your questions:

He was in her life when she was 8 to 14. He moved away because of a job transfer.

 

Yes I was invited to the 4th gathering but had to work as I mentioned. I am always invited to any weekend activities and usually go but I declined a few times (one was a Mamma Mia movie party where everyone dressed in 70s outfits - no thanks)

 

They get together during the day usually twice a week on average while I am at work

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Why does it have to be while you’re at work?

 

Did you read the book not just friends?

 

 

If you’re working - she shouldn’t go. If she doesn’t intend to respect you and that one rule - then consider leaving her.

 

Whether there’s anything going on with her and the man is beside the point. Being alone with him is disrespectful to you. And since you aren’t thrilled about it she should agree not to do it.

 

Tell her he can spend time with you guys when you’re not at work.

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On the Fourth of July, I had to work so she spent the day with him and his boys which he sees part time. They went fishing and swimming at a lake then they had a barbecue and went to go see fireworks afterwards.

 

every woman I know would not behave like this with a BIOLOGICAL dad.

 

Loversquarrel: why wouldn't a woman go fishing, go swimming, eat a meal & watch fireworks with her father or anybody else?

 

You are making a platonic day out into some seedy.

 

Why does it have to be while you’re at work?

 

I got the sense that the father figure guy had a flexible schedule so he was somebody to hang out with when the wife had time on her hands while the OP was out work. Why should she be confined to the house like it's some kind of prison rather than being out & enjoying life. When her husband, the OP, is off she spends time with him. Granted there was the Mamma Mia party that the OP chose not to attend because he didn't like the theme but that was his choice.

 

Bryanguy2 -- if you have concerns about the guy, don't push your wife into his arms by choosing to let her hang out with him alone without you when you are available. . When she wants to go to a party, suck it up & go. You could have managed a pair of jeans & a tyedye t-shirt

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I have to agree with Donnivain. You are going to have to be the third wheel as much as possible. I would hate for something that is wonderful and innocent to be turned into something tawdry just because of cynical suspicion.

 

Keep you radar up and watch their interaction. Make sure you are affectionate to her as much as possible and note their reaction.

 

Nothing wrong with being cautious.

 

Best Wishes

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doyathinkso

 

They get together during the day usually twice a week on average while I am at work

 

 

 

 

She goes on dates with him twice a week???!!!

 

 

Are you kidding us?

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She goes on dates with him twice a week???!!!

 

 

Are you kidding us?

 

 

Not every time 2 people of the opposite sex spend time together is it a date. Friends can hang out.

 

I have never said that the OP shouldn't keep his eyes open. I encouraged him to voice his concerns but there are a lot of people jumping to conclusions around here.

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