TheRainbow Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Earlier this month my husband and I talked and decided we wanted to take an extended break from these forums, and from talking about my infidelity and all the aftermath. As many know, we told my daughter about her sister's true paternity. She is taking it better then we both thought. But after a heart to heart, we both have agreed that we are both stressed out and we are both feeling consumed and just need a breather. We have been spending a lot of quality of time together that is not about the problems in our marriage. We have started to pack, because we gain possession of our new house on August 10th. In all honesty it has been refreshing, and a huge relief to take a break from it all. So why am I posting here? Because I think things are a little too comfortable. We had just spent the last year dealing with the aftermath of my cheating, and we taken a much needed break, but I'm so afraid that we are not established enough in our reconcilation to let this go too much. I want to talk to my husband about it, but he wanted to focus on moving, spending time with the family and starting marriage counselling next month. I originally agreed to that, but now I feel like that is a huge risk. I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I just needed to let it all out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Divod62 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) Hi Rainbow, I just recently read your whole story and I'm rooting for you. This is my first time posting my thoughts and opinions on someone else's thread. It sounds like you're experiencing fear and self-doubt about your ability to stay faithful, and with your track record it's totally understandable. I feel you've convinced yourself that you need the self-punishment; the overwhelming guilt and shame, in order to stay true to your husband. Have you had any wayward thoughts or behavior lately that have put you to the test? What sort of conduct constitutes wayward behavior to you or to your husband? Do you see yourself falling off the wagon? I don't think it's healthy over the long term to live in a constant state of fear and self-loathing. Like an alcoholic who attends AA, it's prudent to check in on a regular basis. If you're struggling, make it a point to immediately talk to your husband or someone who can offer you support. You've already hit rock bottom - time to build your confidence up and believe you can do this! Have you seen the show "Mom"? It's a sitcom about addiction, and it may help you see the brighter side of living with your struggle. Edited July 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 So why am I posting here? Because I think things are a little too comfortable. We had just spent the last year dealing with the aftermath of my cheating, and we taken a much needed break, but I'm so afraid that we are not established enough in our reconcilation to let this go too much. I want to talk to my husband about it, but he wanted to focus on moving, spending time with the family and starting marriage counselling next month. I originally agreed to that, but now I feel like that is a huge risk. What is it you want to discuss with him at this point that cannot wait until your marriage counseling begins? What is the risk you are worried about, exactly? That you will stray again, or? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 I could be wrong but during the infidelity discussions, all eyes were on the OP. She was important and so was the affair. The husband was caught up in all this infidelity talk too and expressed his opinions. The spotlight was on her primarily. Her affair, her problems, her baby and whilst the attention was not always positive it was still attention Now there is some normality returning and going forward all are going to return to their own lives, she is no longer going to be the centre of attention, she feels flat without the drama and the chaos. Her husband now being quiet about things, could start thinking his own thoughts and that is scary, as without the constant tending by the OP, he could start thinking for himself and talk himself out of this relationship... I guess that is "the risk". 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 I tend to agree with Elaine. I would guess that the risk here has more to do with the fact that she’s not going to be controlling the narrative anymore, the attention is not focused on her in the same way, and that is a little scary... more so than the fact that she could stray again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 I agree with Elaine. The OP has an extremely low self-esteem, and needs constant attention (that partly explains her chronic cheating). I actually have an old friend like that, who would turn each of our convos into a therapy session, about her SSDD issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 I have always said here, once a BH stops talking about the affair (when he was once consumed by it) watch out. It often means he has come to terms with something and is comfortable with it. Usually that is him getting out, maybe its him just accepting the situation. I personally experienced both in our journey. I had an unbelievable feeling of calm once I had made the decision to divorce. I no longer had a need to know anything. Then again when we got back together years later, this time it was being comfortable with and accepting my situation. It's a good idea to table the talks, but do so with a set time to discuss as needed. In the minds of BS its consist thoughts, it's never good to sit on negative thoughts for long. Maybe say aside time every other Sunday to discuss the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 A year or so after d-day, my H and I didn't talk as much about the affair but we still did schedule talk times for us, maybe 2x a month. It allowed us to connect regularly and air out anything we'd been thinking about since the last talk. For example, at that time we talked a lot about having children, and what we wanted our relationship to look like in the future. I don't think it's a good idea to ever table talks completely, because it's a means of connection and showing vulnerability and trust. My H and I don't schedule talks really anymore, but I know I can talk to him about anything when necessary. Recently I've been dealing with some FOO issues and the old me would've internalized everything and tried to work through it myself. But I've learned from my past, and now I go to my H when I'm feeling overwhelmed or sad. It helps both of us, we're like a team. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 I feel like he may try to rug sweep things. Things have calmed down and it has been nice. He's excited about us moving into our house we just bought after selling our last house a year ago. But maybe he also just wants to focus on our daughter, and keeping distance from my mother in law who hasn't attempted contact in a few weeks. Either way, I want to express to him my worry. I don't want to control anything, and I admit the attention wavering from me, internally is hard, I recognize it and working on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Hello Rainbow, It must quite exciting moving to a new house. Is it a NEW house or just a house new to you? Still, the change in environment can be quite uplifting. The world seems sharper, the focus on your life is there and doubts recede for a short period of time. I've never had the opportunity to move into a new house. I've always dreamed about living in a log cabin home but once I looked at the maintenance costs my fantasy dissipated fairly quickly. I never had children either. My wife just wasn't interested. So, it looks like you have lots of things to look forward to that I'll never experience. Don't be too concerned about how your kids take the news about mom and dad. I mentioned to you once before that children are very resilient and will only make a big deal out of something if they think it's expected of them. Don't force awareness on them and let them get back to the important things in their own life. I was also curious, not that you need to reply, if you had considered my advice on getting on with your MIL. If not, I understand perfectly. It would be a huge sacrifice on my part also. I many times like the outcomes of my ideas but can't stand what I have to do to get there. So, have you made any new friends lately? Best Wishes Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Every person reaches as breaking point where they just cant do anything else but emotionally shut down. He may have reached his point of detachment, if not yet its coming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 It's a new build, that we are buying. This city was more expensive then the previous city we lived in, so the house is a bit smaller, but it's brand new, great layout and close to our daughter's school. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 Right now my mother in law isn't talking to even my husband. My husband is hoping she'll reach out but if she doesn't he is going to in a few weeks from now. Emotions are too high on both him and his mother. I have reconnected with a few old friends, but don't hang out much because of the stage in life we are and conflicting schedules. I have started going to Mommy and Me classes once a week, and started talking with other mother's with children. So the interaction has been nice. My husband said that he thought we needed a bit of a break because it's been on going for so long. Now that our daughter knows about her sister's paternity, that we should focus on our daughter and just enjoying one another. That was a few weeks ago. Besides my therapy session, there has been zero talk on any of our issues. That is what worries me. Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Good luck Rainbow... I hope everything works out for you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 You are correct if you don't fix the underlying problems you could do a repeat. It may not seem like it now but old habits/behavior can resurface. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) That is why I decided tonight to tell him how I feel after my therapy session. Edited July 15, 2019 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Right now my mother in law isn't talking to even my husband. My husband is hoping she'll reach out but if she doesn't he is going to in a few weeks from now. Emotions are too high on both him and his mother. My husband said that he thought we needed a bit of a break because it's been on going for so long. Now that our daughter knows about her sister's paternity, that we should focus on our daughter and just enjoying one another. That was a few weeks ago. Besides my therapy session, there has been zero talk on any of our issues. That is what worries me. Good luck with the move and life. Keep in the back of your mind OP and R is him and his process, Communication is a key element. If MIL doesn’t reach out, it is her loss. Hubby first, butterflies for the children. Friends are great especially new ones. But please remember male ones got you in your predicament so keep them at a bit of a distance. No EA for Christ sake LOL. Big cyber hugs from Oz. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Turn, Learn, and Move Forward. Whatever you choose to talk about should be rooted in your intended forward direction. If you continue to rehash the same past issues than you are living in the past and going no-where. Move past infidelity with the same degree of intention you apply moving to a new house. Before you open a discussion decide if the topic contained in this baggage is something you need to unpack and include in your future or is it something that should have been discarded and left behind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 And my mother in law is at it again. She showed up again, this time when my husband wasn't home, and my oldest daughter was at day camp. I answered the door, and before I could say anything, she walked inside the entryway. She greeted the middle daughter as she followed me to the door. She was pleasant to her. But then she got down to the reason why she came. She told me that she was sick and tired of me pinning my husband against her. That I was manipulating him, and that she would find out what I had over him. When I tried to say that she had it all wrong, trying to apologize she interrupted me and told me, one of these days she hopes he grows a backbone and leaves me before I suck him dry. Then she left. I don't know what to say to that, but just keep my distance. My husband and I did talk about it, and he basically said that there is no reason to keep rehashing it. He basically said she will either come around and accept our marriage or she won't. But that I had done everything I could to make things cordial with her, but she isn't budging. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 (edited) Please tell MIL, to refrain from her actions regarding her issues with you. You are working on R with your husband so any outside influences such as MIL attitude towards you, can have a detrimental effect on your R as well as the stressing the children. I know you aren’t manipulating husband regarding your relationship, he has his own mind and has stated he wants to be with you and the children. As MIL said “Hubby needs to grow a backbone”. This can work against his mum and he can cut her off all together and no access to you treasures (children). MIL sounds like she is a controlling person who is use to getting her way through her family and extended siblings. However; she isn’t getting her way with you and her son. Can or is there some sort of mediator that can assist with her and the issues she has created? It is hard on your husband as he is in between his respect and love for his family and the respect for his mother. Edited July 18, 2019 by Buffer Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Far Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I'm guessing his mother believes that there is no way her son could be a chump and take care of another man's child with a cheater. Your MIL seems very rigid and hostile in her approach. Be aware, this is not going to end without years of healing. Even then, MIL will hold a grudge against you. I've seen posters giving logical advice. But some people will never stop acting on emotion. MIL is acting on her hatred of you and painting you with her brush. Solution: Continue being cordial. Work your butt off on making your M the most successful possible. Make hubby the happiest man alive. Do not get hostile with MIL. Do not try to explain yourself and your situation with your husband to her. Let your hubby handle that. Acknowledge her feelings. Acknowledge her feelings as justified and that's all. Do not let anything she says get to you. The only time you should be worried is if she assaults you or slanders your name. In short, stop making her a centrepiece, that title belongs to your husband and children. She is acting in the best interest of her son. She doesn't give a rats ass about you or your apologies. Her son and keeping him away from danger is all that matters. Whether your husband is a grown man or child, it does not stop a mother from doing her job as mother. You can make your marital issues none of her business. It won't stop her. Your son can threaten to distance her. It will just increase her hatred for you in particular. Like it's said here: If you're a wayward, your words are pretty useless. Your actions and consistency are very, very important. It's what people observe which they respond to the most. Maybe after showing your MIL your seriousness in your M and your hubby, your MIL will back off more gracefully. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 I don't know what to say to that, but just keep my distance. Good morning Rainbow: How unpleasant that must have been. Did she do this in front of the children? She's going to be a tough nut to crack. I know it's easier to avoid her. I would want to but I think you have to ignore the flight from danger response and engage. Engage her at every level you can manage but in a nonconfrontational way. Let her vomit everything out and once it's out - perhaps (just maybe) your gentle persistence will win her over just as you've won over several of the rabid betrayed spouses that populate this forum. Your hiding or avoiding her will just help her justify her thoughts and actions. So as difficult as it may be, I think you have no choice but to engage if you want this family to work. Yes, this falls into the category of me giving advice that I would have a hard time following myself. I admit that up front. Best Wishes to you and your family Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Don't answer the door the next time she comes to your house. Let your husband deal with his mother. Be the best wife and mother that you can be. Hopefully she will soften with time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 Hopefully she will soften with time. And if she’s doesn’t, that is her choice. YOUR marriage should be none of her concern. Sure, she is his mother and as such, it is important to be considerate of her feelings and respectful. We tend to give leeway to those we love, because we know that their actions, however misguided, hopefully come from love and concern. But at the end of the day, she is overstepping, she is not being respectful to her son and his family, and his/your marriage is not her concern... Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted July 18, 2019 Author Share Posted July 18, 2019 How unpleasant that must have been. Did she do this in front of the children? She's going to be a tough nut to crack. In front of my 18-month-old. My youngest was sleeping, and oldest wasn't home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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