Urgently need advice

[jujud]

Hello, I'm new here and need some advice. Last month, my husband went on his yearly club trip to another state. The kids and I stayed home because I was only one month away from my due date (going to have our 3rd child tomorrow.) He has been on this trip 3 years in a row. Last year, we went with him. I noticed that he and the woman who runs the office of the place we stayed were very friendly. She was very nice to me and the kids as well. However, he did not spend a lot of time with us on our "family vacation" due to his club activities. He did spend quite a bit of time talking with this woman from the office, I thought.

 

Well, this year we couldn't go with him. Just the other day, I found emails to/from this woman that I feel are very inappropriate. Apparently, they spent a Saturday night together and talked about what "would have/could have" happened if they had been able to be alone. He has called her "hot" and continually mentions that he loves her smile and her dimples. She became almost unglued when it took him 2 days to return her email...to which he replied that he didn't want to respond with "eyes" around. She then wanted to know when he can get online without "eyes". They talk about being friends forver, and how sometimes you just need a friend to brighten your day and make you smile. They are now counting the weeks until next year's club meeting. Blah, blah blah....you get the point.

 

Now, I am quite sure that nothing physical transpired between them, and she keeps asking him how I'm doing and if I've had the baby yet and all. However, she will always mention something about her marriage being bad and asking him if it's the same with him. He says yes, of course, since we are having issues and have had issues for a long time.

 

I guess I just feel like I should be his friend, I should be the one putting a smile on his face, he should be calling me "hot", etc. (well, ok, i'm not all that hot right now at 9+months pregnant, but....lol) She is not that attractive, in my opinion, and is just about as physically opposite as me as you can get. She's a married mother of 5, so I'm not being catty when I say she's not that attractive, I just mean she looks like a regular woman who has kids....not some sexpot or anything.

 

Our marital issues stem from the fact that we have drifted into leading our own seperate lives. We do what I call "tag-team" parenting...when he comes home from work, I pass off the kids and go grocery shopping or whatever. I really don't have many friends and spend all of my time with the kids, which I love. But he is always busy with his club stuff, work stuff, his hobbies, he has a business on the side, etc....there is always someone or something he has to take care of before he spends time or does anything with us, his family.

 

He is not happy about the 3rd baby. (I know this because he told his "friend" that he just wants the whole thing to be over) In fact, tomorrow I will go to the hospital to be induced and he is allowed to take the day off of work with pay, which he will do, but will not come to the hospital until "somthing starts to happen". He doesn't want to waste his day in a hospital he says. He doesn't even want to watch the kids, he said he's taking them to a baby sitter so he can "relax."

 

I have tried on numerous occasions to point out to him that we don't really have a healthy marriage. I've suggested conselling, but he shrugs it off. If I try to talk about anything with him, he sits there and says nothing.

 

So, please help me. I know my hormones are raging from the pregnancy, but am I completely out of line here? He should not be saying things like that to another woman, right? Should I confront him, let it ride but monitor the situation, or just give up all together? I'm not that happy anyway.

[harleygirl92156]

print the emails out and show them to him. get it out in the open so it can be dealt with now. don't let it just fester.

[Ladyjane14]

Better yet.... Print out the e-mails, take them to a lawyer, and THEN show them to your husband.

 

That's what I did when I found out my husband was having inappropriate contact with other women. And it REALLY got my husband's attention too. It's an altogether different thing than just having your wife b*tch at you...I guarantee it. Unless a flirty-man knows that you will DUMP HIS ASS WITHOUT A BACKWARD GLANCE.....he'll just keep on doing what he does.

 

You're not crazy with hormones. You're husband is being an ASS-CLOWN!

 

Raise the stakes, so he knows you mean BUSINESS. But don't give out ultimatums that you aren't prepared to live with.

[LoveNoLoss]

I hate to say this but it doesn't look good. It becomes very easy to come up with excuses for certain behavior.

 

Apparently, they spent a Saturday night together and talked about what "would have/could have" happened if they had been able to be alone. He has called her "hot" and continually mentions that he loves her smile and her dimples. She became almost unglued when it took him 2 days to return her email...to which he replied that he didn't want to respond with "eyes" around. She then wanted to know when he can get online without "eyes". They talk about being friends forver, and how sometimes you just need a friend to brighten your day and make you smile. They are now counting the weeks until next year's club meeting.

 

Please tell me what is ok about this?

 

Now, I am quite sure that nothing physical transpired between them, and she keeps asking him how I'm doing and if I've had the baby yet and all. However, she will always mention something about her marriage being bad and asking him if it's the same with him. He says yes, of course, since we are having issues and have had issues for a long time.

 

 

This is called an emotional affair. When you share aspects that would normally be private among two people, with others, then it crosses the line. The asking about you and the baby is a classic move among two people doing what they shouldn't.

 

I once found an email that my STBX wrote to one of his many OW. In it, she was asking what WE.... yes WE(my husband and I) were going to do in Amsterdam and especially the Red Light Disrict. WTF? ANd then they proceeded to talk about their sexual encounter in a parking lot outside of a club. Yeah, classy. By the way, how do you know their hasn't been anything physical between them?

 

I have tried on numerous occasions to point out to him that we don't really have a healthy marriage. I've suggested conselling, but he shrugs it off. If I try to talk about anything with him, he sits there and says nothing.

 

Hmmm... sounds like he isn't into working it out at least at the moment.

 

So, please help me. I know my hormones are raging from the pregnancy, but am I completely out of line here? He should not be saying things like that to another woman, right? Should I confront him, let it ride but monitor the situation, or just give up all together? I'm not that happy anyway

 

You are not out of line. Trust your gut. Should you confront him? Yes.......

 

BTW, Being 9 month pregnant doesn't mean you are not beautiful, it's quite the opposite.

[teressa0397]

Hello, I'm new here and need some advice. Last month, my husband went on his yearly club trip to another state. The kids and I stayed home because I was only one month away from my due date (going to have our 3rd child tomorrow.) He has been on this trip 3 years in a row. Last year, we went with him. I noticed that he and the woman who runs the office of the place we stayed were very friendly. She was very nice to me and the kids as well. However, he did not spend a lot of time with us on our "family vacation" due to his club activities. He did spend quite a bit of time talking with this woman from the office, I thought.

 

Well, this year we couldn't go with him. Just the other day, I found emails to/from this woman that I feel are very inappropriate. Apparently, they spent a Saturday night together and talked about what "would have/could have" happened if they had been able to be alone. He has called her "hot" and continually mentions that he loves her smile and her dimples. She became almost unglued when it took him 2 days to return her email...to which he replied that he didn't want to respond with "eyes" around. She then wanted to know when he can get online without "eyes". They talk about being friends forver, and how sometimes you just need a friend to brighten your day and make you smile. They are now counting the weeks until next year's club meeting. Blah, blah blah....you get the point.

 

Now, I am quite sure that nothing physical transpired between them, and she keeps asking him how I'm doing and if I've had the baby yet and all. However, she will always mention something about her marriage being bad and asking him if it's the same with him. He says yes, of course, since we are having issues and have had issues for a long time.

 

I guess I just feel like I should be his friend, I should be the one putting a smile on his face, he should be calling me "hot", etc. (well, ok, i'm not all that hot right now at 9+months pregnant, but....lol) She is not that attractive, in my opinion, and is just about as physically opposite as me as you can get. She's a married mother of 5, so I'm not being catty when I say she's not that attractive, I just mean she looks like a regular woman who has kids....not some sexpot or anything.

 

Our marital issues stem from the fact that we have drifted into leading our own seperate lives. We do what I call "tag-team" parenting...when he comes home from work, I pass off the kids and go grocery shopping or whatever. I really don't have many friends and spend all of my time with the kids, which I love. But he is always busy with his club stuff, work stuff, his hobbies, he has a business on the side, etc....there is always someone or something he has to take care of before he spends time or does anything with us, his family.

 

He is not happy about the 3rd baby. (I know this because he told his "friend" that he just wants the whole thing to be over) In fact, tomorrow I will go to the hospital to be induced and he is allowed to take the day off of work with pay, which he will do, but will not come to the hospital until "somthing starts to happen". He doesn't want to waste his day in a hospital he says. He doesn't even want to watch the kids, he said he's taking them to a baby sitter so he can "relax."

 

I have tried on numerous occasions to point out to him that we don't really have a healthy marriage. I've suggested conselling, but he shrugs it off. If I try to talk about anything with him, he sits there and says nothing.

 

So, please help me. I know my hormones are raging from the pregnancy, but am I completely out of line here? He should not be saying things like that to another woman, right? Should I confront him, let it ride but monitor the situation, or just give up all together? I'm not that happy anyway.

yes you should confront him right away. sounds like his friend is more then a friend. stake him out follow him without him noing it. check and see what he is up too. if you have that feeling more likely it is true. sounds like he is haveing an affair with her. remenber dont let him no you suspect him haveing affair get proof first, then bust him right an the eyes. good luck.

[JayKay]

He is cheating on you, plain and simple.

 

Whether or not anything 'physical' transpired, he has already crossed the line.

 

 

He's cheating.

 

You are NOT wrong to be upset. Print out his emails and leave them where he can find them (also make copies in case he tries to get rid of the evidence)

 

Be calm, cool and collected. Don't yell. Don't lose it. If you become unhinged, it will be too easy for him to emotionally manipulate you into accepting his behavior.

 

Tell him you will be contacting a lawyer shortly. Either that or you both get into marital counseling ASAP.

 

Sorry hon...this sounds really painful. I wish you luck.

[Heavenlyflower9]

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. By the time you get to read these posts, the baby is already here huh? What did you have? Hope it was 'nt too bad. Congratulations!!!

 

I know exactly how you feel. So sorry...jujud. My H had A six years ago while I was prego. He wanted to stay and work it out. I forgave him but I will never forget! Took me a long time to get over..... anyways..

 

I also agree with the other posters....... print out the emails, make copies (just in case) and confront him. Also, see a doctor, IC and/or MC. Especially during post partum, you're gonna need all the help you can get.

 

Take care and keep us updated!