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Found her diary: I'm pissed


emotionallybroken9

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emotionallybroken9

Jesus. Cleaning up the apartment of her stuff, I find her diary. It's non-stop bashing of me and how her life sucks. She dated the entries, and it's always a nice dose of rageahol to see that during her affair she kept making me out to be the bad guy.

 

I'm pissed. Pissed at how stupid and patient I was. Pissed at reading "he needs to cmommunicate better" or "he expects cuddling to mean sex.", this was during her having sex with him online.

 

"I would leave but I'm afraid of losing his support. I'd have to do things in the morning without him now." What a joke. She KNEW she was using me. She USED me.

 

"I NEED to get out of this relationship.", you were out for 7 years, and cheated on me for the last one until IIIIIIIII caught you. What a joke. Guess her wish is granted.

 

I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing. Gonna keep going to IC, keep working out, keep being the best father that I can be, and I'll make sure to value myself, and I'll find that one that appreciates what she gets with me.

 

The rage is real. The determination is real. Funny to think I wouldn't have found more triggers and lies had she not gone on her vacation and me not packing her out of my life. Just sick and tired of constantly accidentally stumbling onto her knives. Her affair, her diary, her photos. It's like she lined up my home with knives all over, just waiting for me to trip onto them. Can't wait to no longer be afraid of finding more hurtful stuff that's brought into my home by someone else.

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emotionallybroken9

10 totes and 1 suitcase. Laundered, dried, folded, labelled. She'll get to have what she wanted. More importantly, I get to no longer be hurt. I get to focus on me and my daughter now. What a stupendous 10 days it has been since NC.

 

Rage and sadness at the same time. Oh well. Live and learn, right?

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I think you'll feel better once you're out. Diaries aren't meant to be read and are often just places to vent and everything in there isn't necessarily daytime thought or sober thought. But if she was cheating and you feel she's using you, time to move on. Sorry you're going through it.

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It's very difficult when someone you thought you knew is unmasked and reveals a face you never expected them to have. You feel stupid, naive, inadequate and so on.

 

Nothing you can do about that, what's important is what you do now and going forward.

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emotionallybroken9

Thank you guys. Hurts because god damnit, I was an open book through the bad and the good. I tried to be as open as possible because that’s the point right?? To my face, repeatedly, she’s said that I don’t communicate with her, or we need counselling. This was before AND during the affair. What. The. heck. Can people really just use others like this? What the hell was the endgame??? “Oh it didn’t work out so I’m leaving you, thanks for taking care of me and our daughter for all these years, but you still need to work on yourself and your communication skills. You’re clearly too needy of love and affection from your wife. Thanks but no thanks, I’ll just walk out and let you think that you weren’t good enough to be a husband or a lover.”

 

IM SO PISSED AT MYSELF AND HER AT THE SAME TIME.

 

Sorry. Sorry. Just. What a monster. YEARS. it’s okay. I’ll be okay. IC on Tuesday, jujutsu Wednesday, massage thursaday, bestie visiting Friday, gym every day, daughter back (hopefully) sometime in August, wife out and continuing separation until March.

 

At least all her stuff is packed away. It all needs to be out. I can’t keep having triggers that reset my timer.

 

Thanks again for the wishes gang. Really need it. Lord knows I’m not getting any support from her, nor do I expect it. I sent her delayed emails for tomorrow about some questions that are looping in my head. Hopefully she’ll have the decency to just help me, but who knows anymore.

 

Ps: the diary was in the bookshelf that I was emptying. I didn’t even know it was a diary until I opened it to make sure I wasn’t putting in empty notebooks, since I could use them or my daughter. When my eyes caught the dates, I couldn’t stop. I had to make sense of the fake reality I was in. It’s the only way at this point.

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HadMeOverABarrel

Consider keeping the diary in a safe deposit box. It's just a hunch I have. You can always burn it later. I feel this may serve you after separation. It may help you down the road in custody over your daughter and whatnot. Sorry you are going through this.

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op,

I'm not trying to excuse your wife's actions. This being said, you really can;t take her diary at face value. A lot of the time, it's really just venting.

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emotionallybroken9

It's not that PB, it's that I was in depression for 7 years. Emotionless marriage. But I COULDN'T stop. I HAD to keep working. She kept telling me we have to keep trying. We have to communicate better. But to read that she didn't leave simply because she would have to work? Or she was depressed being a housewife? How about the husband that worked 3 different jobs, WHILE ALSO being an EQUAL, if not GREATER home partner. Cooking, cleaning. I never had a break. The only break was weed, and even THAT was causing me depression.

 

She was depressed? How about the guy that was being fed FALSE HOPE for years, and even MORE false hope during a 9 month affair. She was happy planning her exit, while I was breaking down, but still could NEVER stop because I had 3 mouths to feed. She's older than me with the same degrees and life problems, yet I was the one with wool over his eyes.

 

Had she said she wants out before the affair, I would've understood and helped her to start off her new life. But no, she lied and kept the affair, telling him "someday" they'll get together. My days were:

 

Wake up 6:30, prepare for work

Wake daughter up at 7:00 and get her ready for school so wife can sleep in

Go to work at from 8-3pm, come home at 3:40

If I was lucky, there would be food at home, if not, I cooked and helped with house work until 5:30pm

Daughter is picked up by wife at 5:45 from afterschool care

5:30 leave for work, 6pm - 9pm shift

Come home at 9:30. If lucky, theres food, but usually end up making my own food

Play games SHE likes with her so we can spend sometime together until 11pm

11-11:30 I prep for next day

 

Repeat for 3 years. I NEVER had a break. Weekends I took our kiddo out in the mornings so the wife gets to sleep in. While this was my life, she was having her episodes of "woe is me", then a year of cheating.

 

THAT'S why I'm pissed. The only break I had was using weed to not think about all the other responsibilities I had, while also knowing that I can NEVER stop working for money and on myself cuz she kept reminding me how our marriage is failing because of me.

 

So yeah, I'm pissed about that. She lost her identity when she became a mom, so I understood and tried my best. So how about me? Lost MY identitiy as well yet I couldn't get to stay at home 6 hours a day to pepare one meal and wait out citizenship and keep the small apartment clean.

 

That's why I'm pissed. I won't ever hate on her for depression, cuz lord knows I felt it and then some. I was used to my limits in every aspect.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Of course you're mad about the cheating....rightly so. But you can't be mad at her now for behavior you allowed to go on for so long and didn't voice your displeasure about it (i.e. her not working and sleeping in every day).

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emotionallybroken9

I voiced the crap out of my displeasure. When you assume depression is the problem, what do you do for your wife? You get her IC, you support her with house work, and you be kind and compassionate.

 

We moved here together, but she had to wait for citizenship in order to start work/school. I understood that loss, as I teach people with that kind of loss as well. I tried to take her out, make plans, take kiddo away for a bit, cooked, helped, all under the assumption that she was depressed, which is a real thing.

 

As soon as she got her citizenship last year in June, I was the one to get her to sign up to school to improve her degree so that she can start working, and if she didnt like that field of work then she could do something else. And I would've supported her. Luckily, she likes her job and this line of work.

 

I didn't just sit here getting milked. She finished her school this year in April, started working some jobs, then summer came so she went to her family home for vacation, while I'm here in the rubble of my life.

 

The piss off is that while I was also doing all this support, I got none of it back. The fact that my alone life is the same/better now is disheartening. To know from 2016 that she was planning to leave me, then from 2018-2019 she was in an affair, while using up all of my being, financially, physically, and emotionally, that's the biggest piss off of all.

 

She could've left at anytime. She could've made the home a better place. But no, I was the bad guy that had her trapped in a bad marriage. My only fault being I needed love in order to have some energy to do what I've been doing for 3 years. Instead, she gave all that love to another man. Instead, she would constantly remind me of how I'm the cause of this, yet all I did was what I described in these threads.

 

Remember, this was all under the assumption that my wife was depressed, and me hoping that once she starts her career and start making work friends, things would be better for my wife and best friend. She knew me and all of my thoughts and worries. She used that to build a second life behind my back, on the work that I was doing for US. She used the fact that I was a patient and loving man against me in every way.

 

I allowed bad behaviour to happen for so long because I BELIEVED in HER and that she was in a rough place in life. For better or worse, we support our spouse right? Till death do us part, right?

 

Now I know that she wasn't my spouse, and I'm acting accordingly.

Edited by emotionallybroken9
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CautiouslyOptimistic

I really feel for you. You were betrayed in many ways. The anger will not stay with you forever, and I'm sure brighter days are ahead. Hang in there!

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Barring many federal govt positions, she can work freely and study at resident rates as soon as she has the green card (no need for a citizenship). What is her nationality? Did she marry you to get the green card?

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emotionallybroken9

Reverse. I'm the Canadian and she's the American. Funny... I was attempting to protect her identity in the original post. I was under the influence of hopium. i'm sorry. I was going through a lot at the time. I tried to protect our identities, and if someone that knows us stumbles on here, they'd be able to connect to the dots to my identity and hers easily.

 

But as I kept coming here and getting help, I've realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I was doing what I thought was best. If it was just me, it's no big deal. But I didn't want her identity to be found out since she's her own person.

 

I didn't realize about that green card stuff for the US, but it's good to know for the future.

 

As for her using me for citizenship, She may not have thought that that's what she was doing, or she may have, who the f knows anymore. I was clearly the best resource for her.

 

In Canada, you can't get a divorce without a 9 month separation. You can't work without citizenship. So I supported her, like a husband that loved his wife that was stuck in a rough spot. Too bad I didn't know I was supporting a roommate for years. Too bad she used me knowingly. Too bad I didn't get lucky to catch her before March.

 

Again, to those reading this, sorry for trying to protect our/her identity. I tried to make it as close as possible, but it seems that the laws being different will change some outcomes. Sorry again. I actually feel better now that it's out. She and kiddo are in US right now with family.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

No need to apologize. I'm from the USA and haven't figured out who you two are ;).

 

How'd you meet her? (I have not read all of your threads)

 

I understand your anger, but I don't think she used you knowingly....I mean, it's not like she was from a third world country and you were her meal ticket....

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emotionallybroken9

I flew out from Canada to work in Asia. She used to work for the company I went to work for. She came to my wlecome party as my coworkers and boss invited her. We met in my first week overseas. We didn't really speak much, but I thought she was an awesome person, and beautiful to boot.

 

I was insecure and new to life alone, so I dated another person that said yes. It wasn't working. A month later, my wife and I end up getting together because everyone in my town seemed like terrible people. I was bad too, but I ended my relationship immediately and started the new one with the wife.

 

We clicked. It was fun. But drugs and alcohol came into the picture. I was new and inexperienced in all aspects of life. But my commitment was always there, and I thought hers was too. Eventually I asked her to marry me, and I worked my ass off to try and get us a stable life in Canada. She was extatic to be Canadian, heh. I worked hard for our dream of being a family. Kiddo was an oops baby a couple of years after that, but I have zero regrets. Love her as a person, not as just a daughter.

 

We met at 23 (me) and 26 (her). We got to know each other and be best friends. Codependant as hell, but that's when I started learning and bettering myself, for me and for us. Alas, she only kept dating the past version of me and never gave the new changing me a chance. Always thinking, "when will he leave," instead of "how can I change for myself and for him."

 

Hindsight, eh.

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emotionallybroken9
No need to apologize. I'm from the USA and haven't figured out who you two are ;).

 

How'd you meet her? (I have not read all of your threads)

 

I understand your anger, but I don't think she used you knowingly....I mean, it's not like she was from a third world country and you were her meal ticket....

 

No, but she acted like it. She didn't have any future job prospects. She didn't have goals. She was just coasting through life. I don't know what her life would've been like, but she was in Asia for over a decade before I even got there, never really progressing in life. Working the same jobs simply because that's all she could do, never having ambition for more. It's fine if she was happy with it, but she was just coasting. Not living, more like "not dying."

 

When I got in, she was still just coasting alongside me, where I always tried to encourage her to find her passion and what she liked. I was making enough money to support us, and then support us and our child. Through it all I encouraged her to find out what SHE wanted to do in her time on earth. Work, study, play, youtube star, houswife, mom, whatever, just as long as she tried for her dreams. Failing didn't matter because that's how we learn. This was probably my whiteknighting at its best, huh.

 

I was her meal ticket out of being a US citizen. She hates her country and rules, and Trump lol. I got her the Canadian dream. Too bad she never pictured me in that dream, just her and our daughter. Her actions shouted that. Her journals and thoughts shouted that.

 

That's why I think she used me. Youre right as it may not have been intentional or evil, but it was self-preservation at its finest, at the cost of me and my energy, time, money, and life.

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I'm sorry and that's a hell of a way to find out, but at least you did and she's out. And people these days, men and women both have no qualms about using someone else for their own ends. I've been there. They don't care who they hurt so long as they can get what they want out of the relationship. But keep doing what you're doing. Better yourself and forget about her.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Better yourself and forget about her.

 

Well, unfortunately, he will never have that luxury since they share a child together.

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I totally agree with you. You were used. I see no way to get your pound of flesh from your wife. How can you hurt her without hurting your child? Those years are gone with only you understanding the sacrifice.

 

Have you exposed the affair and behavior to her family and friends? How about the affair partner? Does he have an SO that would like to know what kind of man she's married to? Is that a possible pathway to partial redemption?

 

I'm concerned that you are going to burn out. This is a good place to vent but the rage you are describing can lead to physical and mental ailments. Have you considered medication for a few weeks to take the edge off?

 

Jettison your wife as soon as possible (9 months you say?) and look at her as an aberration. There are good women that would look favorably on what you offer. Please don't rage like a sun about to go nova.

 

Best Wishes

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Cleaning up the apartment of her stuff, I find her diary. It's non-stop bashing of me and how her life sucks.

 

OP, while I understand the temptation, reading her diary after the relationship is already toast is only shopping for more pain. I wish you would have discussed this beforehand with your IC.

 

Nothing there you didn’t already know. At some point, your focus will need to turn ahead rather than wasting any more time and/or emotional energy. There aren’t any real answers and you’ll probably never understand “why”. You’re attention should be on you and your life with your child. Everything else is just noise...

 

Mr. Lucky

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emotionallybroken9

Maybe, but I didn’t know it was to this extent. Also, like I said, I didn’t realize it was a diary until I opened the notebook. It was a notebook in the middle of the bookshelf with other ones that are used for scrap paper. I don’t mind the pain That comes with the details because with every little bit it completes the picture. The diary was a piss off, but the relief and mental stability from it was worth it.

 

There was no way I would be able to not look at it, while waiting for IC on Tuesday. Rather scratch that itch now and deal with the healing immediately, instead of always wondering. Yes, I’ve come to accept that I won’t know everything. But this was something that I CAN know, so I did.

 

I’m at peace with the diary now BECAUSE I used counselling (loveshack) to talk through my feelings, and absorb the advice, criticism, and love from this community. IC is only one guy. You guys are hundreds. IC is an addition to you guys. In fact, you guys know more about me because we’re not limited to 60 minute sessions a week.

 

I’m able to cry, vent, get advice, and feel the love of those that have walked my path before me. Union is comforting. Being able to vent when I need to is cathartic. Being heard is liberating. I’m no longer crazy for thinking what I was thinking all these years. Each new piece of information adds stability to my mind. Might as well get over all the pain now, and have a clean, fresh start at the end of this.

 

Remember that I took her back many times before, so this information is being used to strengthen my resolve. When she starts crying and promising whatever, I’ll need to remind myself of what I’ve seen, heard, and read. I can’t keep going back to being used, so I need as much building up within me as to why I don’t want to go back to that. And when she doesn’t bother trying, I’ll need this to remind myself of why that is, instead of wondering why pointlessly. I’ll know why.

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Consider keeping the diary in a safe deposit box....You can always burn it later. I feel this may serve you after separation. It may help you down the road in custody over your daughter and whatnot. Sorry you are going through this.

 

What, HMOAB said.

It is hard to read what you have been through, the betrayal, hurt, loss of trust you have for her. Keep up the NC.

Fight the urge to be vindictive regarding this. Don’t do silly things like send her a page a day in the mail, that wouldn’t help you when or if she returns it’s your child.

In with anger, out with love. Be the better person in this period in your lives. :(

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emotionallybroken9

Happy Canada day ~

 

@HMOAB and Buffer,

 

I don’t want to keep her belongings. I’m not vindictive towards her in anyway. She choose a bad path in life, and she’s allowed to mess up her life. It’s always the subsequent actions that matter. She kept choosing bad.

 

Keeping her stuff will only serve as a trigger for me. She’s already emailed me a timeline of her affair, how long it was, pictures, so I have plenty of stuff already. If she’s a real monster then she can drag it out, but I’ve alreadt accepted that kiddo will eventually/immediately live with her. Government always sided with the mother, and she’s a good person in general.

 

I’m making peace with the loss. I’m grieving and loss of living with my daughter, but I’m hopeful for the future. Because I always provided for them and restricting myself, I was able to let them enjoy major holidays with their grandma in the US. My daughter and I have spent a considerable amount of time separated, yet connected through FaceTime. We both miss each other and love each other, so we always try to contact each other. I’ll end up buying VR for me and her so we feel closer, should she have to move away.

 

Mainly, I don’t want to be triggered anymore. Every time it’s the same pain as the first day. The pain of being unloved for years. I don’t need that pain to keep burning me every time I see it. Heh, can’t believe how much effort I put into the marriage. Proud of myself. I can walk with my head held up high. I know I’m dependable. I know I always think and act with my family in mind. I know I’ll be okay.

 

I have no reason to hate her. Just super disappointed. She had many opportunities to make different choices, but alas, here we are. I’m glad I found out, and I’m glad she emailed me info. It’ll help me heal faster.

 

Happy Canada day indeed, heh

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