Life after an affair

[Starswillshine]

My story is here from a couple of years ago, but I figured I would post my update. Maybe give some hope to other BSs. But not the normal support that goes in the updates.

 

My WH had an affair that I am not even sure how to classify the length. She was a plane ride away. They had only seen each other on a few occasions. But they kept in contact. Even after DDay 1. Then came a DDay 2. Where I found out they had not stop contact after DDay 2. And then there was yet another DDay 3. Another time I found out they were still in contact (yet still had not seen each since the first one), but not only contact came out, but most of the truth. That yes, it was PA. (The other DDays, he claimed he only saw her the night they met). After the 3rd DDay, i tried... really hard to get past it. For 7 months, I tried.

 

I was a SAHM for nearly 2 decades. I had not finished college. We have 4 kids. I was absolutely, crazily in love with my husband. I had no idea how I was going to be able to live through this. I was devastated. I lost 20 lbs on a very thin frame already. I didnt sleep. I couldnt eat. I would drink water and puke. Many, many panic attacks. Many times I couldnt decide if it was a panic attack, stroke, or heart attack. Physically, mentally, emotionally i was beaten down. We had a great marriage. We traveled a lot, went to concerts and truly enjoyed each other's company. Everyone who knew us was shocked. They thought we were crazy about eat other. So many people came up to me completely shock when they heard. "You guys were seriously my couples goal." We had the perfect life. In my mind, there was no way I was going to get past this and also no way I could live without him.

 

But after a night of sitting on a hotel floor trying to figure out how to end my life... I realized this man I loved so darn much put me in this position. I went home, kicked him out. For the next couple of months, it was a little back and forth. He would come over often. We even took trips after. But after one trip where we parted ways at the airport, it made me feel like I was a mistress. And I was tired of feeling like I was just getting taken off my shelf to be played with and then boxed away after he was done. The next week I filed for divorce.

 

Shortly after, I ran into a friend who I told I was going through a divorce. He contacted a mutual friend and told him about this. See this guy had been through the same with his ex.

 

We start talking and getting each other through the long nights via texts. Then we would get frustrated coffee. Then hanging out with our mutual friends..sometime a year ago, it started to get more romantic between us. And now, we are in a pretty good place together.

 

I talked to my therapist at great lengths about this new relationship and was it ok for me. She told me that I had dealt with the death of my marriage while in it. And as long as we are both aware of our issues and still worked on ourselves, we should be good.

 

I have lots of trust issues that I think only a person who has been in this situation can understand. And same for him. Because of this, we both go over and beyond to prove ourselves. Both knowing that it is neither of our faults. But it is nice to never even have to wonder because before I can, he has covered that. He is an amazing man. One that my kids and I have known for a long time, and they love him.

 

I am in a really good place. And I am 100% certain that even without my BF I would still be in a great place. I am working towards finishing my degree and kicking butt.

 

Walking away from my marriage was the best thing I have done recently. It was hard as hell. Especially when he would call and cry and beg me to stop the proceedings. But I knew I would never get passed it. He had lied too much. I loves him when I filed for divorce but I was just ready to start healing and I knew that was the only way.

 

I am sharing because when your life comes crashing down and you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel... and when you are so devastated and dont know how you can live without your WS.... if reconciliation does not work, there IS life after. And you can have it much better than before. Because we all know there is a very distinct before and after date. I am not the same person I was before DDay. And I'm certainly not the same between then and divorce. I have a new amount of strength. And that has brought me a load of confidence.

 

Whichever you decide... you WILL get through it!!!!!!

[mark clemson]

Nice post, SWS...

[emotionallybroken9]

Good for you, and I hope you took your POS EXH to the cleaners. What a monster.

 

Glad it's working out for you now, especially after the hell you went through.

 

<3

[Starswillshine]

Good for you, and I hope you took your POS EXH to the cleaners. What a monster.

 

Glad it's working out for you now, especially after the hell you went through.

 

<3

 

I have decent alimony. I can get through school without worrying about working. But I'm trying to hurry as fast as I can so I can basically double dip. Ha. I need to make ul what was lost in the divorce.

 

I guess I should have also posted what our relationship looks like as welll....

 

So my xH and I get along pretty well. I had to swallow a lot of anger and bitterness. I worked really hard on that in therapy because I didnt want it to rule my life. And also my kids.

 

He has a GF. She seems great in all the ways. If I had to pick a woman to be important to my kids, she is as good as any. I feel a sense of pity for her, but I cannot make assumptions on their relationship. It isnt my business, I just feel he is such a fake, he is lying and cheating behind her back. And she just gor divorced after 30 from her cheating husband.

 

Nevertheless, he helps me a lot with anything I need. Like house stuff. I'm a lot of times uncomfortable with it, but as he tells me, this is the kids house too, and its helping them. I appreciate him for that. We have a decent co-parenting relationship. We can be friendly. While I dont want to hang out with him, it is no issue when there is a kid event which happens frequently.

 

He and my BF get along fine. Though my BF sees through his fakeness and he tries to stay away as much as possible. I just smile and grin and be great for my kids.

[heartwhole2]

I'm glad those stars are shining bright for you!

[emotionallybroken9]

SOunds good. Considering u kept going back for him after 3 infidelities (that you know of), I’m concerned you might end up falling back for him again since he’s so much in your life, doing all this stuff for the family and you. One moment of weakness, and another two relationships ruined.

 

Of course, this is just the internet and I’m only sharing my thoughts. Only because you kept going back after he kept cheating on you. Is your BF not able to help instead of your cheating ex? He’s clearly able to manipulate you and possible this new gf, so it’s a bit alarming. Makes sense because you have so many kids together, but alarming none the less.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just smile and grin and be great for my kids.

 

Plenty of reason to do so, sounds like everyone's in a better place. And I say that without minimizing the effort on your part to get there.

 

I always like to hear about the good outcomes, especially from people who stood up for the courage of their convictions. Couldn't have been easy so well done...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Starswillshine]

SOunds good. Considering u kept going back for him after 3 infidelities (that you know of), I’m concerned you might end up falling back for him again since he’s so much in your life, doing all this stuff for the family and you. One moment of weakness, and another two relationships ruined.

 

Of course, this is just the internet and I’m only sharing my thoughts. Only because you kept going back after he kept cheating on you. Is your BF not able to help instead of your cheating ex? He’s clearly able to manipulate you and possible this new gf, so it’s a bit alarming. Makes sense because you have so many kids together, but alarming none the less.

 

Hi! I'll try not to take offense since yes, this is the internet and you dont actually know me.

 

It took a little while for me to figure out and deal with all the crap that was thrown on me. Dday 1- Dday 3 was just short of a year. And there was no actual time they saw each other in that time. To me, it didnt matter much because part of my rules of even attempting to reconcile was that was strict NC. Also understand both he and his OW were saying it was strictly sexting. They never met up, etc. I didnt buy it, but I wanted to badly. But I pushed and pushed. I was relentless in trying to find the truth. I combed over every piece of information I could find. The lengths I sunk to to figure out what the man who supposedly loved me did to me was shameful. What he did, that I was trying to make it work with him, and how low I had sunk made me feel pretty weak. Which added another level of anger towards him. All of the reasons combined with many others made me divorce him.

 

There is zero chance of me going back. I am not cheater and I would never cheat. However, I'm not going to play with fire. Also, remember my BF was cheated on, too. So dont worry, there is a lot of respect there. Simple answer, I'm not here when he is here. He usually does it on his weekends that he has the kids, and I'm usually at my BFs. There has been 1 time he was here that I was also here to work on something, but he actually came so that he could keep the kids for me while I had an appointment I had to be gone for. We were only in each other's company for 30 minutes. Of which, I was buried in my computer.

 

Remember, the man i loved and married doesnt exist. I know this now. The man that stands before me is not that man. Not going to be falling into that trap. He still pretty much makes me want to vomit in my mouth but staying mad and pissed is not healthy for me nor my kids. My kids shouldnt have to feel tension and be nervous anytime we are all around each other.

[emotionallybroken9]

warms my heart~

 

Yeah, mine was also sexting and “never met.” Sorry for sounding accusatory, as I’ve also been lied to for 90 days straight. I don’t think what you did was shameful or low. The man destroyed reality for you, as my wife has destroyed my reality. We just want to make sense of the past, and the past x number of years we’ve committed. “What did I do wrong?” And that whole shpeal.

 

Can I ask, how did your kids take it? What happened? We have a 5 year old girl and I’m scared to death for her and her sanity. She’s always sensed something was wrong since the wife and I had almost no intimacy for years, and then the DDay 1 happened where she saw us do the whole hysterical bonding thing.

 

I know I’ll have to use a family counsellor for us to progress, but any anecdotes from 2019 people would help.

 

We don’t know if there’s gonna be recon, as I’m the BS and she trickle truthed me to death. But I’m hoping my daughter to have the least damage as possible

 

Thank you, and I’m happy for you good luck with the new life!! Sounds like you’re on your way!

[Starswillshine]

It is horrible what affairs do to our reality. It takes awhile to get back to even ground. I'm over 3 years out now, so it is different for me versus where you are. Those first few months were horrible. Didnt prepare me for DDay 3 when it all finally hit.

 

As far as my kids. I had 2 teenagers and 2 small kids. The big kids were angry. My eldest daughter still refuses any sort of relationship with him. She will talk to him if he is around but she doesnt visit him and doesnt go to his house on the weekends. My youngest were confused at first. They knew what had happened because we were in a confined space when I saw the text and the resulting fall out. Separating part was devastating. And thinking of the night we told them, that kills me still to this day. I cant think of it without crying. Still breaks me. But it's been 2 years. And everyone has adjusted fine. Our home became a happy home directly after. I had spent so much time depressed, in bed crying before. That once he left, I was determined to make it fun again. Plus, he killed any fun we had in the house anyway before all of it. So it just became loud music and dance parties everynjght. Was fun..

 

They are getting a much better mom now. And my BF is much more attentive than my ex ever was. So all very positive things for us.