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Telling My Daughter about my affair and the Baby


TheRainbow

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My daughter is eleven, but despite her father and my best efforts, she notices something is not right. I posted a week ago about how my mother in law came into my house unannounced and ambushed us on our bedroom patio. Well, my daughter finally said she heard her grandma yelling, but not what about. She asked if she was mad at Dad and me. I told her that she was upset with me, but that we'd work through it. I mean, I didn't know what else to say to her, without straight up lying to her. She appeared satisfied with that answer, but we are both afraid she'll ask her grandma about why she is angry with me, and I'm not sure my mother in law will not blow up and tell her.

 

So my husband and I were talking today, and we think it is time. We didn't want to tell her right now, but things are spiralling out of control. The last thing we want is for her to hear it from anyone but us. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. We aren't sure how much she should know. I mean she isn't stupid and knows to have sex leads to babies. I know she'll be angry, and won't look at me the same way again. I know it's the consequence of my actions, but I'm sick thinking about it. My husband is sad and doesn't want her to think this changes anything, or to treat her sister differently.

 

I'm not sure what I'm asking, but any advice on how to handle this. We already are going to make her an appointment with a therapist to help her deal with any feelings she has.

Edited by TheRainbow
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amaysngrace

I’d consult with a child psychologist to ask their advice on the best way to disclose all this to your eleven year old child.

 

It’s too deep for me.

Edited by amaysngrace
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I doubt she'll blame the baby. She knows it's not her fault.

 

 

Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. Sort of like when a child resents their new sibling because the baby gets all the attention.

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I agree with amaysngrace, this is a job for a professional.

Too important to rely on platitudes - It'll be fine, she'll get over it" or rely on catastrophic predictions "Things will NEVER be the same again"

 

We do not know your daughter, we have no idea how she will react, or even whether it is a good idea to reveal all to her in the first place.

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I’d consult with a child psychologist to ask their advice on the best way to disclose all this to your eleven year old child.

 

It’s too deep for me.

 

They need to consult with a few different child psychologists and get second and third opinions. When you have an extremely complex medical condition, you don’t just blindly trust one physician.

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op,

sadly, this sort of situation isn't uncommon. If you look up the term "NPE dna" you'll get all kinds of links that may be very helpful to you.

 

I agree that speaking to a child psychologist/ counselor is a good idea. Whatever you do, please don't lie.

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Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. Sort of like when a child resents their new sibling because the baby gets all the attention.

 

Or, paradoxically, the daughter may resent her dad for all his “martyr” acts.

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These things have a lasting impact on their lives despite what may who have affairs will want you to believe. If I had one single, do over when it comes to digging my family out of infidelity it would have been to tell our children with the help of a therapist. Our son was very young at the time now he is a young man and it has a deep impact on his life, specifically on his relationship with his mother.

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These things have a lasting impact on their lives despite what may who have affairs will want you to believe. If I had one single, do over when it comes to digging my family out of infidelity it would have been to tell our children with the help of a therapist. Our son was very young at the time now he is a young man and it has a deep impact on his life, specifically on his relationship with his mother.

 

Did he resent you for taking your wife back?

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I wouldn't say resentment, but there is something there.

 

We decided to not tell, it was a mistake. Unfortunately, too many people believe children are too young, too immature. While it may be true, they are very observant and things like affair dont go unnoticed by them. Our problem was he stored all these memories that he didn't understand then, once he did understand he pieced together a narrative that was not quite true. How do you convince someone that what they remember isnt what happened?

 

That's why I believe informing they as soon as possible is important, but age appropriate and the right way.

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Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. Sort of like when a child resents their new sibling because the baby gets all the attention.

 

I'm just going by my own experience. My bio mother cheated on my dad, left me and my brothers and went out and had 6 other kids with 3 different men.

Of course my Dad divorced her and got custody of us and remarried and gave us the best mother anyone could ask for; then she died. My bio mom showed up the day of her funeral wanting to connect, she's trash, her kids are really nice and I felt sorry for them because they've had a rough life. I still keep in touch with a few of them. I don't blame them for who she is.

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My husband said he regrets saying anything to his family at all. But what's done, done. But we know our daughter is thinking about it. She hasn't asked about visiting her grandmother since that night, now that we think about it. We had sheltered her a lot through her life and now we are planning the easiest and most efficient way to tell her. If she asks about the night on the patio b again, I'm not sure how b to handle it.

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BettyDraper
My husband said he regrets saying anything to his family at all. But what's done, done. But we know our daughter is thinking about it. She hasn't asked about visiting her grandmother since that night, now that we think about it. We had sheltered her a lot through her life and now we are planning the easiest and most efficient way to tell her. If she asks about the night on the patio b again, I'm not sure how b to handle it.

 

What happened on the night of the patio attack?

I'm sorry. I can't find your post about it. If your husband's mother can't stop attacking you and treating you poorly, then it might be time to cut contact with her or at least render the contact very limited. Your MIL has the right to be angry but she doesn't have the right to keep attacking you.

 

I like the suggestion about consulting a child psychologist.

 

If you would rather not take that route, I would suggest finding a quiet moment where you have a lot of time. You and your husband should tell the truth in age appropriate terms. Depending on your daughter's personality, you should expect a strong reaction or perhaps some shock.

 

I wish you luck. This must be a terrible position to be in.

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What happened on the night of the patio attack?

 

The post is further down. The one where I say I'm stressed out.

 

I wish you luck. This must be a terrible position to be in.

 

It is. All the choices I have made, are coming back to bite me in the ass. I may have been a victim of extreme bullying, abuse from an ex, but none of those excuse how I treated my husband.

 

He has been there for me, dealing with all the **** I dumped in his lap, and in our path. And he is still here with me, by my side while my choices is about to rip apart my daughter's life. He says he'll be by my side while we deal with it, and I know he will. But I keep asking myself, why. Why is he going this length for someone like me?

 

The reality is thing will never be the same. Soon it'll be out in the open that I had an affair. My young daughter is the product of an affair. The reasons behind the affair, the emotional and low self-worth I had to work through won't matter, because my daughter will always have to face being different. She will always be looked at as the child that came from her mother being a ****ing whore.

 

I live with this guilt. Now I have to tell my daughter who is so smart, and like me internalizes everything, that I had cheated on her dad, hurt her dad, and had a child by another man. My husband is great. I do think, even if she hasn't expressed it resents my husband for the move back to our home town. Because we told her we moved because of a transfer, which isn't a lie I guess, but the real reason was because of me. It was a necessity but because I had an affair.

 

But really, at the end of the day, I put myself, my family and everyone in this situation. It is out of my control and I'm scared.

Edited by TheRainbow
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That's why I believe informing they as soon as possible is important, but age appropriate and the right way.

 

My son was 4 when my ex and I finally divorced decades ago over her affair and, as far as I know, he's not aware of the reason. No one size fits all but there's a lot of overlapping boundaries to consider.

 

OP, if you think there's a chance she'd hear it from someone else, I agree it's better it comes from you - under the right conditions...

 

Mr. Lucky

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OP, if you think there's a chance she'd hear it from someone else, I agree it's better it comes from you - under the right conditions...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

If my affair(s) didn't result in a baby being born because of it, then this wouldn't be a question. But so many people know, her grandmother hates my guts, and now that she knows Grandma is angry at me, it's only a matter of time. Especially if Grandma continues to be angry, and her sister will grow up, and it'll come out, she will find out that her sister isn't biologically her father's.

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40somethingGuy
I doubt she'll blame the baby. She knows it's not her fault.

Blame falls squarely on Rainbow. Period.

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Kitty Tantrum

Don't entirely discount the possibility that she already KNOWS and is affording you the opportunity to come clean voluntarily.

 

I'm sure my own parents thought that they were careful enough or that I was too young to understand what was going on, but I knew that both of them were screwing around on each other in some way or another since my earliest conscious recollections. It doesn't take a whole lot of explicit information; kids can read between the lines, too.

 

I never brought it up to them or anybody. By the time the truth started to creep into our conversations (years later, long after they eventually split, when I was pretty much an adult), I felt a little bit insulted that they thought I was so clueless.

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Don't entirely discount the possibility that she already KNOWS and is affording you the opportunity to come clean voluntarily.

 

It possible she knows more than we think she does or at least suspects something. She has been testing us a lot, especially her dad, and took a long time for her to adjust to moving back here. She has told her dad that his work sucked for transferring him out here, away from her friends to somewhere she knows nobody. I am almost 100%, that she doesn't know that the baby isn't biologically her fathers. She is not one to keep her emotions inside. We were shocked that she even knew about the argument and didn't say anything, and looking back, she has been more quiet, moody than usual. We just brushed it off as her being a preteen.

Edited by TheRainbow
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Kitty Tantrum

Even if she doesn't know, she might suspect. I was only 5 when my little brother was born, and I remember wondering (these days I'm preeeeetty sure he's my dad's - but have never dug for confirmation, at this point it doesn't matter). She might not typically keep her emotions inside, but this is the sort of situation where she could be paralyzed by the magnitude of it, and by her uncertainty of who else might know (or not know) what she thinks she knows/suspects - and perhaps by the fear of being punished or otherwise made to be responsible in some way for leaking the intel she's sitting on.

 

Or maybe not! Just speculating based on my own experience from that side of the equation.

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My husband said he regrets saying anything to his family at all. But what's done, done. But we know our daughter is thinking about it. She hasn't asked about visiting her grandmother since that night, now that we think about it. We had sheltered her a lot through her life and now we are planning the easiest and most efficient way to tell her. If she asks about the night on the patio b again, I'm not sure how b to handle it.

 

Didn’t his mother and sister suspect the baby wasn’t your husband’s (because the eye and hair colors didn’t add up), which led you to the paternity test in the first place?

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Didn’t his mother and sister suspect the baby wasn’t your husband’s (because the eye and hair colors didn’t add up), which led you to the paternity test in the first place?

 

No. If you remember my original thread here, I was wanting to leave my marriage and wasn't sure if he was the father. I had the other man take a DNA test because I thought my husband c was going to be the father and had no intentions of telling him anything if he was. My husband found out in may last year. The in laws found out last year because we told them because they suspected it. My husband demanded a paternity test on our youngest. The real anger didn't happen until they found out about the one night stand the night before my wedding.

Edited by TheRainbow
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op,

when talking to your young daughter, I would be simple. Something along the lines of "sometimes, moms and dads can make bad choices and hurt each other. they don't mean to and are sorry, but it does happen.

 

Mommy did hurt daddy. She hurt him a lot and feels really bad about that. They are working hard to help him feel better, and she loves him so much.

 

Families are made in all sorts of ways, and your sibling ( brother or sister?)came to our family in a different way than you did. She is still every bit your sister. You dad and I love each other very much, and we love all of you too. That's the most important thing to remember, that, and that none of this is your fault and it's not for you to worry about. That is the grown up's job. If you ever have any questions or you are feeling angry, scared or sad, come and talk to us right away. You can ask us anything."

 

About your mother in law? I would suggest that you ask your husband to see if she would be willing to take some family counseling. You're going to be in this for the long haul, so it makes sense to work towards forgiveness on her part.

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