LedHead21 Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I’m really struggling. Our last Dday was two years ago and this time of year makes me angry. But when I think about it Christmas makes me sad and the beginning of fall hurts too. It’s like the times where his infidelities happened are forever tainted in my mind, which isn’t fair to do to myself but I’ve been cursed with photographic memory that I can easily attach to a song, smell, feeling. Good & bad. I feel mentally trapped some days when I know I should move on. All of this being said, his careless behavior doesn’t help and almost worsens the triggers. For Example: a few weeks ago I was having a pretty bad day. He usually has minimal interaction with me at work but on this day it was decent until lunch, he just disappeared, left his phone in the car and met a coworker at a park near their workplace to smoke (legal state) I called no answer, I called a second time and g picked up. It triggered me to see him sitting at the park and not answering because those are the things he used to do before. Things have been iffy since without him even recognizing that I’m struggling. Today I log onto his enail to track a package and there’s an email for a failed dating site log in. He’s claiming it’s spam, which I’ll give him that. His email has been compromised before by these sites looking like he has a profile. But this one is from a pretty commonly used reputable site(zoosk) and now it’s radio silence from him. He’s completely okay knowing that I’m sitting here drawing my own conclusions. “It’s my fault for not trusting him” I just want to be who I was before all of his secrets broke me into a million pieces. I want to be hopeful and trusting. I want to laugh freely knowing with %100 certainty the person I’ve given my heart to isn’t running around behind my back all over again. I hate what all of this has done to me, I used to be so carefree and easy going. I feel absolutely alone in all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Why are you still with him?? One look at your post history and I can see that he's been cheating on you for the entirety of your relationship. You teach people how to treat you..you've taught him that he can have affair after affair and never face any consequences. If you want to stay with him, you just have to face the fact that he will never, ever stop cheating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 op, I've been married almost 22 years now, and was a betrayed spouse myself about ten years ago. I trust my husband more than I trust anyone else in this world, except myself, my dad and my kids. This being said, I will never trust him completely ever again, nor anyone else. It's no fun saying that, and I don't like it, but it is what it is. Something that concerns me about your post is your used the term " the last D-Day". Does this mean he's cheated before? If he has, I'm sorry to say it, but you can't trust him. If this sin true, you have three courses of action. You can talk to him about it and explain that, for you to feel comfortable, he has to earn your trust back and a big part of that will be individual and marriage counseling. Alternatively, you can decide it's just not worth it and call it quits or you can maintain the status quo and spend the rest of your life on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. What do you want then next few decades of your life to look like? That is totally an completely up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I'm a few months short of 2 years of my DDay. I'm sorry its a huge struggle. It's so hard to let go of something burned into the mind. Was there more than one affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) I just want to be who I was before all of his secrets broke me into a million pieces. I want to be hopeful and trusting. Then make a decision to be who you are, unbroken, and trusting. You do you! Do you regardless of him. It's easier than you would allow yourself to believe - and it begins by letting go. Let go of control. The only power you have is with yourself and what you decide, what you choose to see, and how you choose to act. There's an author who theorizes that the devil has no actual power. That any soul in Hell could leave at any time and yet, no one does. They are trapped there by their own regret, constantly living in a loop ruminating their own fear, guilt, and self loathing. I want to laugh freely knowing with %100 certainty the person I’ve given my heart to.... Then it's time you returned your heart home to yourself, and learn that your heart is something to be opened rather than given away. Let yourself back in to your own heart and simply walk out of Hell. Edited June 18, 2019 by Turning point 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Op: Can I ask what keeps you with him, this guy that has cheated on you more than once? Are you getting therapy to help you with your codependency and your apparent fear of being alone. Did the two of you get marital counseling at all? I'm sorry you are suffering but I would like to know why you stay when you are in such pain? It can't be "love" that keeps you there because love doesn't look or read like anything you've shared with us here, today. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 It sounds like, if it's possible for you to walk away, you should strongly consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I just want to be who I was before all of his secrets broke me into a million pieces. I want to be hopeful and trusting. I want to laugh freely knowing with %100 certainty the person I’ve given my heart to isn’t running around behind my back all over again. I hate what all of this has done to me, I used to be so carefree and easy going. I feel absolutely alone in all of this. LedHead21, look at it this way - whatever you did on those previous occasions didn't work. Forgiving him didn't work. Tracking his activities didn't work. Expecting fidelity because you were pregnant didn't work. Being angry with him didn't work. Blaming yourself didn't work. Trying harder didn't work. Expecting more of him didn't work. The only thing you haven't tried is putting yourself in a healthier place where his cheating won't matter. Other than that, life will be more of the same... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Is he still in IC? Have you seen any progress? I'm 4 years out from DDay and I don't feel the "Ugh, he was having an affair at this time" or "Ugh, this was DDay season" anymore. But I definitely did the first two years. I think the anniversaries make us focus more on what we haven't yet resolved or healed. Do you feel that he's at a standstill in terms of remorse? Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I’m really struggling. Our last Dday was two years ago and this time of year makes me angry. You have every right to be angry, annoyed and pissed off I have read all of your previous posts and he isn’t treating you with the respect you are entitled to. For Example: a few weeks ago I was having a pretty bad day. When you have a trigger he has to (well should) be there to reassure you and comfort your feelings As he wanted to remain in the relationship he has a duty to you and the feeling your subconscious is flagging. Disappearing to the park with no phone, nah he is up to something. Your mind is telling you this for a reason. “It’s my fault for not trusting him” Nothing is your fault, you have had a failed past relationship, children etc. As well This person has treated you bad in the past You shouldn’t have to take no responsibility for your feeling. He has to! As you state you just want to trust, laugh knowing he will there with and for you, you deserve this. I feel absolutely alone in all of this. You are Not alone!. You are totally within your right to want to trust your man, live without the anguish that you are experiencing now. Is there a full and open communication between you two? As you can’t just accept the way it is as this isn’t living, nor is it existing it is a loop of feelings. If he is reluctant to talk through what is going on to your satisfaction then, pack one bag only and have him out of your abode. When he realises you are serious he may wake him to reality. Loosing you and his family may bring him out of his choices. He is just treating you as a fall back. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I just want to be who I was before all of his secrets broke me into a million pieces. I want to be hopeful and trusting. I want to laugh freely knowing with %100 certainty the person I’ve given my heart to isn’t running around behind my back all over again. I hate what all of this has done to me, I used to be so carefree and easy going. I feel absolutely alone in all of this. You'll get all of those things you desire when you finally let him go and divorce him. Until then, nothing is going to change but I suspect you already know that. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I'm a few months short of 2 years of my DDay. I'm sorry its a huge struggle. It's so hard to let go of something burned into the mind. Was there more than one affair? Check out her post history. It's not his first affair - and she's known that he's been cheating on her since before she married him. Sad story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Hey oP, I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I feel you. I’m sorry Can I ask you a few questions? If you leave him tomorrow: Are you able to financially support yourself? Are you confident enough to start dating? Are you comfortable/able to be alone for the rest of your life? Essentially, are you able to love yourself and be alone? IF not, is that why you put up with this behaviour? Is he the money maker and you’re afraid of depending on yourself? Is he the socialized in your family? Why ARE you with him? What does he provide for you that you can’t provide for yourself? What do you provide that he can’t provide for himself? Fun? Cooking? Cleaning? Money? Entertainment? Etc Think hard before answering. I hope these questions help. You’ll get through this. It might take a long time, but you WILL get through it. <3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 LedHead21, look at it this way - whatever you did on those previous occasions didn't work. Forgiving him didn't work. Tracking his activities didn't work. Expecting fidelity because you were pregnant didn't work. Being angry with him didn't work. Blaming yourself didn't work. Trying harder didn't work. Expecting more of him didn't work. The only thing you haven't tried is putting yourself in a healthier place where his cheating won't matter. Other than that, life will be more of the same... Mr. Lucky Regardless of what happens to him or the two of you, Mr. Lucky’s last paragraph is still the only thing that matters. Work on you and then you’ll get the needed independence so that he can’t hurt you again. You’re not asking for advice what to do about him. I understand that. It just postpones the healing for someone to tell you you’re making a mistake to stay with him. Then you don’t want to open up either. Well, you’ve been traumatized. And you’ll be stuck there until you get help. Do that first. Go see a therapist. Talk it through. You’ll cry, be angry and realize you shouldn’t have been treated that way. Then you can decide to stay or go. Don’t worry about it until then. They say it takes 3 to 5 years. Took me all 5 and I stayed and still think about it. Just not all day every day. And, no, the two of us will never be the same but then whatever that was was just a fantasy anyway. I don’t even WANT to be that wife that could be so easily manipuated and optional. THAT will never happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 I just want to be who I was before all of his secrets broke me into a million pieces. I want to be hopeful and trusting. I want to laugh freely knowing with %100 certainty the person I’ve given my heart to isn’t running around behind my back all over again. I hate what all of this has done to me, I used to be so carefree and easy going. I feel absolutely alone in all of this. He isn't going to ever change into the man you can trust, that is never going to happen. You need to face reality. You either 1. Decide that you want to spend your life in misery, getting over one cheating event to run slap bang into another, for ever and a day... This will drive you crazy... literally OR 2. You decide to accept his cheating. You know he is never going to be faithful so you turn a blind eye, you accept what he gives you and you learn to be happy with that. You stop the angst, the snooping, the looking for triggers, the wallowing in pity and you get on with your life. Make sure you are healthy as regards STIs and accept him for who he is. He is never going to be monogamous, so stop fighting it. OR 3. You leave and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 God, you'd have to stick your head in the sand to go back to trusting him. He's not trustworthy. Once you lose trust, you will never feel the same way and nor should you. You need to understand this has degenerated into something you shouldn't stay in. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 They're right. If you're young enough, YOU are enough reason to do it. You have a right to at least put yourself in a position to find somebody who COULD give you a fulfilling, loving relationship. This person cannot and will not. Accept that this will be your past one day as you look back from a happy, hopeful future. Therapy will help you take this step and continue walking straight, head balanced and forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 LD Hard to hear but it is time to move on, you sound like a wonderful forgiving person who doesn’t need to be put through what you are going through. Please surround yourself with supportive people, who can assist you in your wellness. This BS isn’t one of them. Communicate this to him and have a NC period to see how it goes. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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