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she wants sex and I won't even let her touch me


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Newbie here, first post. I stumbled across this board/forum and it looks like the best place to ask my question. I hope this is the right category.

 

My wife of over 30 years recently cheated. I won't into all the history and details but she has admitted to me, in counseling, she gave oral and had intercourse several times (at least 5) to a coworker on business trips. Some in the past but one was very recent. For some reason I guess the guilt finally caught up too her when I questioned her closeness to this guy.

 

Anyway, she wants to reconcile and I want out. The biggest issue is she feels having intimacy will help us heal and she can show me she loves me still. All I can see in my mind is this guy having sex with her. I don't want my lips anyplace his "member" has been and I know it was in her mouth and they had intercourse. She wouldn't say protected sex or not but it doesn't matter to me. Even with a condom I don't want to be near her. Having a sexless roommate type relationship is not a marriage.

 

My question to you others is do you ever get over this? How long does it take? I can't work out any kind of forgiveness or lead her to believe we have a chance if this huge issue is in my way.

 

Any help is appreciated.

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Hi

 

 

1) I am not a therapist and I think you should get independent advice

 

 

2) Do you still love her? Look deep inside

 

 

3) You didn't say why she felt the need to cheat. I wasn't a good husband to my first wife (truth is I didn't want her) so when she cheated it had a lot to do with our loveless marriage. If you were being intimate and supportive she should have stayed faithful, if you were ignoring her then are you surprised?

 

 

4) are there kids involved?

 

 

5) Once you have cheated you have no rights to secrets, she should answer any question you have

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Hey, once someone cheats on me, I don't have sex with them anymore, so....seems normal to me. Why do I want to make love to someone who lied to me and betrayed me?

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  • Author

I have the same thought and that is why there is no "make up" sex as much as she wants.

 

For back ground to the other poster YES I love her but I feel so confused and betrayed. The children are grown adults so non issue there other than emotional issues we could encounter. I don't know 100% why she felt the need to cheat now as I really haven't wanted to talk it over and hear what to me would be excuses rather than reasons. We always said early on in the marriage respect was key so if she was not happy give me the respect of a talk and worst case divorce me first.

 

I look at it now as a cake and eat it too situation and I resent that completely.

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My wife of over 30 years recently cheated. I won't into all the history and details but she has admitted to me, in counseling, she gave oral and had intercourse several times (at least 5) to a coworker on business trips. Some in the past but one was very recent. For some reason I guess the guilt finally caught up too her when I questioned her closeness to this guy.

[/Quote]

You probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

 

 

Anyway, she wants to reconcile and I want out. The biggest issue is she feels having intimacy will help us heal and she can show me she loves me still. All I can see in my mind is this guy having sex with her. I don't want my lips anyplace his "member" has been and I know it was in her mouth and they had intercourse. She wouldn't say protected sex or not but it doesn't matter to me. Even with a condom I don't want to be near her. Having a sexless roommate type relationship is not a marriage.

 

She's had her fun at your expense and now wants to rugsweep this so she has zero consequences. In essence she wants you to "get over it" so it doesn't affect her life. Yours didn't and doesn't matter much. All cheaters think they are guaranteed a second chance. You are correct she's a cake eater. That is totally up to you.

 

My question to you others is do you ever get over this? How long does it take? I can't work out any kind of forgiveness or lead her to believe we have a chance if this huge issue is in my way.

 

Infidelty is a gift that keeps on giving. You maybe able to accept it because you sure can't change it. It really depends on you. If it's a dealbreaker don't waste your time trying. Don't commit to anything upfront until you decide what you want. Stay out of marriage counciling upfront as well. You get a bad one it'll just cause more damage. The chance of getting a bad one Is probably 50/50.

 

The bigger question is she would have to fix this. It's up to her.

She may have regrets at getting caught but without remourse (a whole other thing) you'll never achieve a true Reconcilliation.

 

If they still work together the affair will probably continue. Work place affairs are the hardest to discover/stop. Affairs are addictive and you get the addict around the source you get relapse.

I would inform the other mans spouse with out any warning to your wife. She will try and protect him.

Edited by Marc878
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Although I am married I have never been betrayed. I think however you feel is how you feel.

 

But after 30 years of marriage if you truly think she's remorseful and you want to work on this, I think there may be possibilities but they will require professional help as in marriage counseling, plus a lot of remorse and a great deal of transparency. It's going to take a lot of work from both of you . . . her to earn your trust back & you to be willing to give her a chance. If you aren't both willing to do the work, you may as well call the lawyers.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
She wouldn't say protected sex or not but it doesn't matter to me.

 

Then that means unprotected. When my exH cheated on me with a Craigslist stranger he actually insisted on unprotected sex. :confused:

 

I agree you're only getting the tip of the iceberg here. I'm very sorry you are here :(. Yes, you can heal from the betrayal personally, but only you know if you could ever get to the point of not holding it against her. Nobody would fault you for saying you wouldn't be able to.

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The Outlaw

I really don't feel you can ever get over it, nor put it fully behind you. The vows of marriage are sadly, in some cases, aren't respected anymore. A vow was broken. Some people tend to simply lust than love, and will do whatever they feel they can get away with, but I can't blame you for feeling the way you do. I'd want out. In this case, no matter what she wants, you have to do what you feel is right for you. I wish you luck.

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Thank you all for the replies. As you can guess i am a mess and confused and angry. I love her and hate her at the same time. I feel so stupid to have missed this for do long. Ss someone said if this is a deal breaker then its over. She wants to make up but for what. Our kids have grown and moved on. Our retirement accounts are established. House has long been paid off as well as cars. Beach house can be signed off to kids. I lose a dream. She loses family. I guess her wanting make up sex is very superficial and i see that. Hell, i am 58 not 18. I think with more than my dick.

 

Time to get over make up sex is long gone. Now is time to protect my pension and fishing boat!

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If it's a deal breaker for you then don't wallow in this.

 

Reconcillitions can take 2-5 years with no guarantees. You'll be knocking 60 soon.

 

She has the capability to cheat. You only know what she's telling you. However, as you've seen cheaters lie a lot.

 

Right now it's really what you want. She doesn't get a vote.

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I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You had your life all figured out, and she had to ruin it at this late stage. Intimacy will never be the same because you will not have the trust in her. You will know that she did something that she knew would hurt you, and that is hard to get past. She is deluding herself if she thinks it can go back to the way it was now. You might be able to be friends with her as you move on with your life or something like that, but intimacy and trust are never going to be the same.

Edited by preraph
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It's possible she is throwing herself at you since sex is pretty much all she has left to offer now that she has betrayed your trust. She may be trying to be irresistible so you won't end it. Sorry you have to go through this messy situation.

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She wants to reconcile and I want out.

 

What keeps you from filing for divorce? If the trust has been broken, and you don’t want to be intimate anymore, why not file for divorce? It will cost you, but you may find the cost is well worth your peace of mind...

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LivingWaterPlease

How long has it been since you found out she cheated?

 

I'm on the fence about your question.

 

You say you want out, you say you love her, and you hate her. You're confused, which is understandable.

 

I could understand leaving her. But I could also understand taking some time, because of all the years you've invested in her and in your grown children.

 

If you have grandchildren, though you may leave her, you may never really get away from her as you will see her at family functions (birthdays, graduations, births, etc.) for the rest of your life.

 

If you wanted out and were certain, I'd say get out. But, since you love her and are confused, I'd say give it time and as you're doing that go to a good counselor.

 

One more question, "Is your wife someone you respect as a person of integrity up until this point?"

 

If a marriage can be saved, I'd always advise to save it. But, if your wife is generally a person of low standards I'd advise to get out as she may not have the capacity to become trustworthy.

 

I'd need to know more about your situation before advising you to stay or leave.

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Brother, I am same age as you and feel your pain. Yes betrayal pain, and the deep loss of trust pain. Your thoughts are all jumbled, some say in a fog. You look at her and see them in intertwined in lust. This is all normal and you do need individual counseling, to help You, not her!

Some say to reconcile, some say move on. There is too much information missing to recommend one way or the other!

You have a multitude of questions that you need addressed before you can make the call.

How long overall were the intimate. Why on each occasion, not just overall. What did he do? (Some men need this addressed, some don’t want all the details). Is she really repentant or just looking at using you for your assets?

Can you tell his spouse about the ongoing affaire. Did it happen only when they were away or did she bring him into the family bed when you were working?

Regardless you will have heaps more question but the big one is WHY!, Why now, Why me, Why him, Why did she do it, Why, Why, Why! Be strong look into yourself tell you children, they need to know your side not a watered down version where you are the bad person for seeking your preferred ending!

But first regardless, She has to quit her job. Is there a HR clause regarding workplace romances? To prove the point you could always confront him at the office. But that is more vindictive you are a better person.

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But first regardless, She has to quit her job. Is there a HR clause regarding workplace romances? To prove the point you could always confront him at the office. .

 

I agree that step one has to be her getting away from him. If the only way to accomplish this is for her to quit, so be it.

 

That said, OP, DO NOT go to her office & confront the OM. It will all go wrong & you will probably end up getting arrested. If for no other reason, the employer would have the right to remove you from the property.

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stillafool
Newbie here, first post. I stumbled across this board/forum and it looks like the best place to ask my question. I hope this is the right category.

 

My wife of over 30 years recently cheated. I won't into all the history and details but she has admitted to me, in counseling, she gave oral and had intercourse several times (at least 5) to a coworker on business trips. Some in the past but one was very recent. For some reason I guess the guilt finally caught up too her when I questioned her closeness to this guy.

 

Anyway, she wants to reconcile and I want out. The biggest issue is she feels having intimacy will help us heal and she can show me she loves me still. All I can see in my mind is this guy having sex with her. I don't want my lips anyplace his "member" has been and I know it was in her mouth and they had intercourse. She wouldn't say protected sex or not but it doesn't matter to me. Even with a condom I don't want to be near her. Having a sexless roommate type relationship is not a marriage.

 

My question to you others is do you ever get over this? How long does it take? I can't work out any kind of forgiveness or lead her to believe we have a chance if this huge issue is in my way.

 

Any help is appreciated.

 

I couldn't get over it and I'm almost sure they didn't use a condom. I would never want to kiss her mouth again or have anything else to do with her. Hey, but she's your wife and you may still be in love with her.

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Michelle ma Belle

Like many, I wouldn't be able to get past this if it happened to me. You can still love someone and no long be with them.

 

I'm sure there are couples who've been through similar and managed to get past it to live out the rest of their lives happy and faithfully but I would guess those are rare as it takes a LOT of hard work, time and trust to get to that point.

 

At this stage in MY life, not sure I would want to spend what precious time I have left on the promise that it won't happen again. But that's just me.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

 

Good luck.

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Reconcillitions can take 2-5 years with no guarantees. You'll be knocking 60 soon.

 

This is a practical reality of your situation, I know couples still struggling with infidelity 10 years later.

 

Were you 30 with young children, might be worth at least trying. But in your case, I'd be done and gone. Sorry this has happened to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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mark clemson

It's true that for some guys infidelity is a deal breaker - end of story. If that's you (it sounds like it might be) then be aware many family attorneys give free 1/2 hour consults. You might want to talk to a few different ones to get various questions answered and see which one you feel most comfortable with.

 

Knowing some parameters of what a divorce might look like for you could help towards deciding what to do next.

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heartwhole2

I have reconciled with my husband after an affair. It's not easy. You have to 100% want to stay together to have a chance.

 

Also, if your wife didn't say whether they used protection, then they didn't.

 

For me, the sex part wasn't too hard to get over, even though we were each other's only partners before this. It just seemed to me that sex is sex, and obviously humans like sex, but the shame and regret he was filled with for having sex with her meant it wasn't threatening to me. Not that I condone it, just that it wasn't a deal breaker for me. We're both attractive adults who could find lots of people to have sex with. The issue for me was the flaws that allowed my husband to do something so abusive and wrong. If he could fix those, then I could get over the sex.

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I just think the trust is gone so the intimacy is lost. Cheating is irreparable in my opinion, it always kills the relationship. At 30, you are far too young to be in a sexless relationship. Think about what would make you happy, think about what's realistic, and then think about what you can do to achieve that realistic happiness goal. It sounds like it may be without her.

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She's in self preservation mode at this time. She'll promise you anything but words are cheap.

 

Sounds like you aren't getting the full story which never bodes well.

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