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An emotional affair at the least?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 16th April 2019, 10:30 PM   #1
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An emotional affair at the least?

Yes another one of these posts. Just looking for advice on how to approach this. Married 8 years with 2 kids. Sex life pretty much non-existent since the kids were born. I've tried and my wife is not interested, so eventually I just gave up.

My wife started a new job 3 years ago quickly moved up and has become good friends with her boss and another co-worker. More recently it seems like all she ever talks about is work, and most of those stories revolve around her boss. I get that sometimes you need to vent about work, but this is going overboard.

Starting this year her job is requiring her to travel. So far she's been on two work trips both just her and her boss, with more to come. After the most recent trip she casually mentioned how they both got pretty drunk their first night. Not uncommon given the culture of their company, but a bit unerving given it was a Tuesday night and it was just the two of them on the trip.

Recently she has been working late more frequently, especially when her boss is in town(he works remotely in another state). On several occasions after getting the kids to bed she tells me she needs to take a call from her boss for work. These calls sometimes last hours and I rarely hear her talking about work.

A few weeks ago she called me upset that her other coworker friend has recently distanced himself from her and she suspects it's because she has been working more with her boss.

Last night after the kids were in bed she came to me and said her boss called upset about something at work and she was gonna go have a drink with him and talk things out. I responded I don't like the idea but do whatever you want. She got upset with me over my tone and said fine I won't. She then proceeded to talk on the phone with her boss for 3 hours before going to bed.

Last, I'm not sure how to explain this other than it's a sense you develop when you live with someone for 10 years. But there has been a change in her mannerisms when talking to me, especially when it's something work related like staying late. She seems to put a lot of emphasis on the reason for her having to stay and it never is because of her boss. Once again it's not something easy to explain.

So in summary I'm probably just being paranoid and this is all nothing. I'm not sure how I should approach my wife about this or if I should at all. I fear if I do it will create a rift between the two of us where she will feel like I'm constantly watching her. I apologize for any grammatical issues, I'm typing this from my phone. Thanks in advance for any thoughtful advice.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:06 PM   #2
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Yes another one of these posts. Just looking for advice on how to approach this. Married 8 years with 2 kids. Sex life pretty much non-existent since the kids were born. I've tried and my wife is not interested, so eventually I just gave up. So in summary I'm probably just being paranoid and this is all nothing.

IMO you should be VERY concerned. It is VERY UNLIKELY to be nothing - it does not sound normal at all. It sounds very much like she is indeed cheating emotionally and IMO is quite likely to escalate to physical from here if it has not already. You need to investigate further to determine if that has happened already.

She has already created the rift - when she decided to stop having sex with you and then to pursue this EA.

It is, IMO, very likely to AT LEAST as bad as it appears if not significantly worse. Who has multi-hour personal phone calls with a boss? What boss has multi-hour personal calls with an employee? Right now you're in denial.

Suggest you strongly consider investigating further to the best of your ability BEFORE you confront her about this. Right now she is acting with impudence - let her continue to do so for a while so you can gather evidence to see how far this has gone. Once you know the full extent, you can take action.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Unfortunately it is likely to get worse, not better, as you find out more.

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Old 16th April 2019, 11:38 PM   #3
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Last night after the kids were in bed she came to me and said her boss called upset about something at work and she was gonna go have a drink with him and talk things out.
One factor commonly seen in how affairs got started is discussing personnel problems. This is especially concerning when one person is helping the other with their marital problems. I know your wife said it was about work but discussing problems for three hours in one area can lead to other areas,

I would put a voice activated recorder (VAR) where she uses her phone (car or whatever room in the house)
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Old 17th April 2019, 12:28 AM   #4
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Last night after the kids were in bed she came to me and said her boss called upset about something at work and she was gonna go have a drink with him and talk things out. I responded I don't like the idea but do whatever you want. She got upset with me over my tone and said fine I won't. She then proceeded to talk on the phone with her boss for 3 hours before going to bed.
ARB1815, I was going to say "where there's smoke there's fire", but you've already got sparks, embers and flames.

Unless the people involved are 12 years old, drinking+hotel+late nights+obvious attraction leads to a known outcome. Which she's proving by already de-prioritizing your wants and needs in favor of his. What do you think her reaction would be were you to have midnight drinks with a "troubled" friend?

Wake up. Your marriage and family is in jeopardy, don't think otherwise...

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Old 17th April 2019, 3:58 AM   #5
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Hi ARB, sorry to see you here. As usual Mr. Lucky has hit the nail on the head. You have a problem and it is escalating by the day. Your acceptance of status quo is also acting as a catalyst because your wife has assumed, probably correctly, that you are not going to do anything to upset her applecart. From everything you've posted you appear to be very passive and accepting of her shenanigans.

When she stopped having sex with you, you should have raised a storm instead of quietly accepting her excuses. The two of you should have attended MC and she should have gone through the whole gamut of tests under her doctor's advice to pin point the source of her loss of libido. She suffered no consequences for her denying you sex and for her seemingly callous attitude and therefore thought that everything was alright and that you were okay with what she was dishing out to you.

I would like to ask you to give a holistic picture of your relationship with your wife and also describe to the extent you think reasonable, what her personality is like and do the same for yourself for the folks on here to be able to better advise you. You have described in detail one aspect of her behaviour in fair detail but unless the whole picture of your life together is filled in, in greater detail it may be difficult to advise you appropriately or adequately on the course of action or the direction that you should follow. Warm wishes.
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Old 17th April 2019, 4:12 AM   #6
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Bud, don't kid yourself if it isn't an affair yet it soon will be.

Get a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Glass and both of you read it.

Your gut feelings which this is are rarley wrong.

Go online and check your phone bill. Look for calls/texts to her boss. That will give you a bigger clue.

Going out for drinks together after work is a date.
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Old 17th April 2019, 9:22 AM   #7
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Thanks for all the comments. So how do I approach this? I have a feeling it I go right in and ask her if she is having an affair, she will just sent and deflect. Should I dig for some physical evidence first?
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Old 17th April 2019, 10:09 AM   #8
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Believe you are right about that - she will at least downplay all of this interaction with her boss and become much more cautious and this will make it harder to know the full truth.

The advice I have seem posted by others here is often to check phone and text records to see the extent of the interaction. Others have also suggested getting a voice activated recorder (VAR) and placing it somewhere such as her car. This may not actually be necessary as she doesn't seem to be hiding too much of her conversations. Consider also reading her text messages and reviewing credit card bills for odd charges such as hotel rooms.

If you decide to go the VAR route or read her texts or non-shared credit card bills, check with an attorney first on your state's privacy laws just to be sure you're not doing anything illegal. A few states may have laws on this. You may also wish to ask an attorney about the specifics of divorce law in your state (e.g. is it no-fault, what is spousal support likely to be, etc.) in case this escalates further.

This probably seems like a lot to deal with. However, being uncertain about what happened/is happening can be a lot to deal with as well.
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Old 17th April 2019, 10:11 AM   #9
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Where are you when she is engaged in these multi-hour phone calls at night?

Can you hear her side of the conversation? If so, what are they talking about? Every time the same?

You are right to "not like" her actions. She is wrong to get upset about your feelings regarding the calls, trips, drunkeness with boss, lack of interest in sex with you.

The fact that she gets upset when you start to question her actions is a giant red flag.

However, keep your findings to yourself until you know as much as possible. Tipping your hand to early will make her take things much more underground.
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Old 17th April 2019, 11:15 AM   #10
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Your wife has lost attraction and respect for you. What can you do about it? Nothing really, protect your assets and rights at this point, prepare for the eventual divorce. Otherwise, turn the other cheek and take it.
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Old 17th April 2019, 11:27 AM   #11
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She usually goes into the other room for the calls. Can pretty much hear anything no matter where you go in the house. Typically start out business like then just goes into casual conversation. Nothing ever hinting at anything sexual and I never hear her whispering. Part of me says I'm being paranoid because she's so open about everything that is going on but the other half of me thinks that could just be a cover for what is really going on. She did apologize for the going out for drinks thing the other night. I can tell she knows I'm suspicious of her recent behavior. I'm getting a lot of "I love you's"
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Old 17th April 2019, 11:48 AM   #12
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Her words won't mean much and if there is anything going on she isn't going to tell you. They never do.

Did you check the phone bill. That's the easiest clue to look for.

Don't make the mistake of confronting just on your gut feelings. It won't get you a thing.

Her not hiding conversations seems to be transparent but that much time together, etc isn't good.

Your best bet maybe a voice activated recorder in her car. Cheapest and easiest method available. Workplace issues are the hardest to detect especially if they travel together.
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Old 17th April 2019, 11:54 AM   #13
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She usually goes into the other room for the calls. Can pretty much hear anything no matter where you go in the house. Typically start out business like then just goes into casual conversation. Nothing ever hinting at anything sexual and I never hear her whispering. Part of me says I'm being paranoid because she's so open about everything that is going on but the other half of me thinks that could just be a cover for what is really going on. She did apologize for the going out for drinks thing the other night. I can tell she knows I'm suspicious of her recent behavior. I'm getting a lot of "I love you's"
Maybe you are lucky and will be able to nip this in the bud. I wouldn't assume that, but it would be nice if that is the case for you. If you read enough threads in this section you'll see that all too often it isn't.

I would suggest verifying it's not a physical affair first, and then addressing the emotional aspect. Only you know what is/isn't acceptable behavior within the marriage to you. Be aware that EAs often lead to PAs. The desire to take it physical can become VERY strong, beyond even normal levels of sexual interest.

IMO, after you've fully dealt with the EA/PA it will be time to address the sexless marriage thing. This can often lead to a divorce eventually as well. Suggest MC for that.

Suggest you take things one step at a time.
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Old 17th April 2019, 12:10 PM   #14
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I'm sorry to have to be the one to break this to you but it has already progressed into a physical affair. The time she admits to getting drunk with him while away on a business trip...guess what happened. See she is telling you loud and clear what she is doing, it's up to you to listen.
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Old 17th April 2019, 12:15 PM   #15
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Keep in mind that it's illegal in every state to record a conversation when neither party knows about the recording.

I don't know why people keep ignoring this, as I see this "record them!" advice in so many threads.

That all being said, I would bet money that they have already banged. I mean, they were alone with each other, away from families, drunk, no one would know if they banged, they obviously enjoy either other's company so...why would that NOT have banged? It makes no sense.
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