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I have cheated and it's ruining my life


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Old 14th April 2019, 3:40 AM   #1
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I have cheated and it's ruining my life

Hello everyone.

I've been lurking around for a while now, reading posts here and there and not having the guts to post my issue myself. I got to a point where I just can't take it anymore and I have decided it is time to post.

I'll try to keep it as short as possible but I'm pretty sure it's going to turn out to be really long.

I'm a 25 years old guy. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for around 4 years. It has been a LDR for most of these years, we have just recently moved in together. She is everything I have always dreamed of, we have pretty much everything in common, I can truly say she is the woman I see myself spending my whole life with. I'm pretty sure that what my next paragraphs would read will absolutely shatter my previous sentence but I know what I'm feeling and I'm prepared to be judged and whatnot.

We lived in different places until a couple of months ago and we would see each other once every 3-4 weeks. There have been times where we would spend a couple of weeks together and it was absolutely great. We both knew the distance thing would be hard but we have managed to make it work. I've never felt a connection with a person, let alone a girlfriend, the way I feel it with her. Sharing the same passions and hobbies and life goals really helped.

As I said, we made the LDR work. Or should I say she made it work since I have totally screwed up about 1 year ago?

I'd like to mention that I have never cheated on a girlfriend in my whole life until this point. Never wanted to, always thought that it's the lowest you could do. And I still believe that. That doesn't change the fact that about 1 year ago I have met a girl trough some friends. Now don't get me wrong, I've been flirting with other girls before, but it never went too far. This time tho... She liked me from the beginning and it made it easy to flirt heavily. I never thought we'll get anywhere because, well, I'm not a cheated. Or at least I wasn't. I'll spare the irrelevant details and just say that we ended up going out together by our selves a couple of times, ended up kissing and, after a couple of failed attempts on my part (the guilt was really eating me alive, I couldn't even get it up at some point), having sex. This went on for a couple of months. We then started fighting. Ending it like once a week. But always coming back to each other. I have no idea what has gotten into me, I couldn't end it even tho I knew it was absolutely wrong. She fell in love with me fast. She was absolutely obsessed with me. I thought this wouldn't happen to me. But I don't even know what I feel anymore.

Things started to get worse once I moved in with my girlfriend in a different town. She said she couldn't take it anymore and she wants to end it. At this point I think I also fell in love with her by some margin. I didn't want things to end, but respected her decision. She got in touch again after a couple of days and said that she loves me too much to let things end. Imagine this, with various levels of "seriousness" going on for about 4 months now. Breaking up and getting back together. Coming to visit her on some weekends and getting blown off a couple of times only to get a "please forgive me, I want to see you, when are you coming home again?".

I've gotten to a point where I started to consider actually leaving my girlfriend for her. This is a big deal for me because, as I mentioned, my girlfriend is the girl I've always dreamed of being with, while this other girl is a total opposite, we have basically nothing in common, totally different plans and expectations from our lives and so on. I have no idea what has gotten into me, how did she manage to make me feel like this and even have the thoughts of leaving my girlfriend for her.

The last straw, the thing that made me finally come here and ask for help or advice, was when I came home and, after a great 1st evening together, she blew me off the second night and told me we'll see each other the next day to have a talk. That next day is today and I feel like I don't even want to see her anymore after the way she blew me off.

Keep in mind that at this point this is more of an emotional affair: we haven't done anything sexual for about 4-5 months now. But we would talk on the phone and trough texts for hours every day. She always had days where she would say she can't take it anymore, she can't be the other woman anymore and wants to be with me for good. And as I said, I was actually considering doing this for a reason. I'm not going to, I'll never do it, I'll probably end up alone pretty soon anyway, but she showed me plenty of times that she's not the woman I want by my side.

Now... what I'm trying to get out of writing this whole thing here. My girlfriend never found out. Pretty much no one knows about my affair. We both kept it really secret. She doesn't deserve any of this. I know that I am an absolute *******, jackass, whatever you want to call me. I know that I have betrayed her and pretty much neglected her in the past couple of months and she didn't deserve it. I really want to end things with this other girl and work on my relationship and get it back to the wonderful relationship it once was.

I know the right thing to do would be to tell my girlfriend about it and let her decide what she wants to do. I know I've made a horrible thing and I totally deserve to be dumped. But... is there another way? I know it's not all about me, it should be more about her, but I feel like I can't take it anymore. I don't feel like eating, I can't sleep properly, I don't have the will to move on with my life.

I just want this to end and be happy once again. Is there any reasonable solution to this? Therapy maybe? I don't even know. All I know is that if I had the chance to turn back time I would never do this again. And no matter what would happen with my current relationship I'm promising myself that I'll never betray someone as I betrayed my girlfriend.

Any advice appreciated.
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Old 14th April 2019, 9:33 AM   #2
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Zoroste - If this is a legitimate post, your path forward is clear. You must tell your long-time, live-in girlfriend the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She is entitled to the truth, especially if the two of you get married. If you don't tell her the truth, and you get married, the lie will greatly affect your personality and your relationship with her for the rest of your marriage. Tell her the truth, tell her you are truly sorry, and let her decide what happens. Even if she breaks it off, at least then you will be able to eat, sleep and move on with your life.
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Old 14th April 2019, 9:35 AM   #3
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Any advice appreciated.
Let both women go and spend some time understanding why you'd act in ways contravening every value you've described.

You keep saying you're not that person, but you've spent months stringing both women along. Could simply be you're not at a point in your life, growth-wise, where you're ready for the commitments you've taken on.

We're defined by our actions, feelings come and go. Everything you've done indicates, at 25, you should be single and unattached and not in a committed relationship...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 14th April 2019, 9:57 AM   #4
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An honorable man pays his debts. You should tell her and give her the right to decide if she can be with you, otherwise your remorse is a lie.
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Old 14th April 2019, 11:37 AM   #5
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An honorable man pays his debts.
As do Lannisters. Lol.

I agree with you 100% though.
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Old 14th April 2019, 1:04 PM   #6
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If you want to remain 100% alone, then confess everything to your legitimate girlfriend!
She will leave you (and in the unlikely case she won't, you will anyway taint forever your relationship: cheating digs up the worst possible feelings).
The other woman is NOT for you: your story will not withstand the proof of time, whether in the dark or (even worse) in the sunlight.
Keep your mouth shut, leave the hidden lover and go on with your secret, or you will repent for years and years.
And pray that the other woman accepts to disappear, if not, you are done.
Immoral? Immoral, but practical.
Best wishes.
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Old 14th April 2019, 4:07 PM   #7
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I've gotten to a point where I started to consider actually leaving my girlfriend for her. This is a big deal for me because, as I mentioned, my girlfriend is the girl I've always dreamed of being with, while this other girl is a total opposite, we have basically nothing in common, totally different plans and expectations from our lives and so on. I have no idea what has gotten into me, how did she manage to make me feel like this and even have the thoughts of leaving my girlfriend for her.
You put yourself in this situation by allowing another woman to get close to you.
I'm suggesting counseling to help you figure out who it is you want.

This other woman WILL tell your girlfriend, so your best bet is tell your gf the truth, better for her to hear it from you than the OW. Lying and hiding it will make it worse if you still choose to cheat. It isn't fair to either woman now, you've emotionally invested in both of them and they both are being hurt, one is aware (OW) and your gf has no clue (though you are hurting her and ruining what you feel for her by having an affair.).
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Old 14th April 2019, 5:40 PM   #8
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Tell your "legitimate" girlfriend the truth. Does the OW know about your GF or have you lied to her to. You sound like a typical selfish immature cheater! Time to grow up and face the consequences of your actions.
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Old 14th April 2019, 5:52 PM   #9
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Just read your other posts which are totally contradictory to this thread - oh you still cheat but so does your GF and you don't love her, it's habit after a long time. What's the truth OP?
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:35 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Let both women go and spend some time understanding why you'd act in ways contravening every value you've described.
O.P. sorry to say but you're relationship is over. Some guys could pull it off but you don't seem to be one of them. If you decide to keep it a secret you won't be able to deal with the guilt that will always be there. First you would have to forgive yourself for what you did and that doesn't seem likely. If you tell your g/f and she decides to stay with you it will always taint your relationship forever and ever like someone else here said.

So I agree with Mr. Lucky. Let both women go and write it off as a life experience. It will benefit everyone involved.
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Old 15th April 2019, 12:26 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by zoroste View Post
1) I've gotten to a point where I started to consider actually leaving my girlfriend for her. This is a big deal for me because, as I mentioned, my girlfriend is the girl I've always dreamed of being with, while this other girl is a total opposite, we have basically nothing in common, totally different plans and expectations from our lives and so on. I have no idea what has gotten into me, how did she manage to make me feel like this and even have the thoughts of leaving my girlfriend for her....

I'm not going to, I'll never do it, I'll probably end up alone pretty soon anyway, but she showed me plenty of times that she's not the woman I want by my side.

2) I know the right thing to do would be to tell my girlfriend about it and let her decide what she wants to do. I know I've made a horrible thing and I totally deserve to be dumped. But... is there another way?

Any advice appreciated.

I haven't read your other threads that Amethyst68 alluded to. So, just going on what's posted here:

1) You should probably do what your "smart" brain is telling you and not continue with the side piece girl. You are experiencing the push-pull of an A and unfortunately it as often as not increases the emotional bond even though that doesn't make logical sense. The emotional part of your brain is hooked on her, but the logical part knows better. Deal with the pain and let go.

2) The "other way" would be to never tell her. You'd get to keep her, UNLESS the affair is revealed at some point - always a risk. And there are other consequences as well - esp. for you it sounds like the guilt will be a major issue and will probably spill over into everything. Not telling is not a very loving thing to do but then again neither was cheating in the first place.

It's worth pointing out that you're far from over the AP right now. So, your decisions are not likely to be fully clear headed until you're completely and fully done with the affair for several months.

I don't think you should marry your open GF without telling her. You would be marrying her under false pretenses and if it were ever discovered she may feel that her whole marriage was a lie at some level. The last thing you want is to not tell, stay together, marry, and then she finds out either via your guilt or the OW several years into the marriage. Horrible, horrible thing for her.

IF you choose to keep it secret, then bury it deep and never reveal, but really there are heavy consequences either way. It may make more sense in your case, to simply tell her and risk losing her and having to start over. If that happens you at least start over with a clean slate.
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Old 16th April 2019, 6:27 AM   #12
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Thank you all for replying!
Sorry for the late response. Iíll reply to everyone.

@Guildford. Marriage hasnít come into talk between us yet. And that because we are both not feeling it would change anything in our lives at the moment. We are still young and have just moved in together and working on our careers. But I do agree with you, I know I have to tell her, especially if marriage will become a definite plan so to say.

@Mr.Lucky. Probably the most logical decision would be exactly what you said, let them both go. Iím pretty sure the relationship with my gf is ruined and will eventually come to an end. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year, maybe in 5 or 10. I know the damage is done and even if she will never find out or Iíll never tell her I couldnít possibly live with it forever. I also know that the relationship with the OW canít last forever. Even if, letís say, we would end up as an official couple, Iím pretty sure it wouldnít last for obvious reasons. I also agree that I might not be at a point in my life where I can be in a committed relationship, strangely because I am (or at least was) pretty sure that my gf is the one. As dumb and probably selfish as it sounds, sometimes I feel like Iím missing out on things: Iím 25 years old and have been in 2 serious relationships which lasted, combined, for about 8 years. It sounds stupid because thatís just how I am, I am not the kind of guy who picks up women at a bar and has one night stands.

@loversquarrel. I know thatís the right thing to do. At least for her. Being selfish at the moment: is it the right thing for me to do? Will it make me feel relieved? Because I still cannot get over the OW, we still talk, we havenít broke it off. And me coming clear would definitely mean that I have to let go for good.

@CheatedCheater. Thatís the problem Iím facing. I know that coming clear would mean me ending up alone. Even if my gf would try to get over it and try to work things out things will never be the same again. Iím thankful for having a little bit of my brain not blinded by the feelings I have for the OW that tells me that we would not work out as a couple. As I said, I had and still have moments when I feel like I need to end my relationship and be with her, never acted on it and probably never will since thatís the worst action long term.

@whichwayisup. I donít believe that she would tell my gf. There were moments where I feared that this would happen, but I honestly donít think that sheíll ever do it. Canít exactly explain why, itís just one of those things.

@Amethyst68. The OW knows and always knew about my gf. Yes, I know I am all those things that youíve mentioned and probably worse, itís fine, Iím aware. My other post from this account has been made many years ago and has nothing to do with my current relationship.

@mark Clemson. I wish I could listen to my smart brain. I feel so hooked to the OW that I just canít seem to let go. Iíve tried. Many times, many many times. Always got back to her for some reason. One day Iíll probably manage to break it off and find happiness again. Iím just wondering when will that day come. Iím totally aware of the facts that you mentioned at 2, thatís the main reason Iím not able to come clear to her and move on with my life, however would that happen.
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Old 16th April 2019, 11:17 AM   #13
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@Mr.Lucky. ...

As dumb and probably selfish as it sounds, sometimes I feel like Iím missing out on things: Iím 25 years old and have been in 2 serious relationships which lasted, combined, for about 8 years. It sounds stupid because thatís just how I am, I am not the kind of guy who picks up women at a bar and has one night stands.

Actually it's not dumb or selfish. If Mr. Lucky hit the nail on the head and you really feel the need to play the field, then that's probably what you should do. There may be judgement on the ethics of cheating, but in the dating world you have every right to do this. Just come clean to both GFs about what you are doing and that you desire open relationships so you can date others. (They may decide to stop seeing you, but that is only fair to them.)
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Old 17th April 2019, 12:18 AM   #14
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As dumb and probably selfish as it sounds, sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on things: I’m 25 years old and have been in 2 serious relationships which lasted, combined, for about 8 years. It sounds stupid because that’s just how I am, I am not the kind of guy who picks up women at a bar and has one night stands.
The mistake isn't feeling this way, though you've obviously handled it poorly.

The real sin would be further deceiving the people you're involved with, including taking any more commitment steps with your GF when you know you can't hold up your end.

You'll know when you found - and you're ready for - the "one", other women will pale in comparison...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 22nd April 2019, 2:50 PM   #15
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Uhm... hello there. I just joined, read a few of the topics here and I really wanna get my thing out of my chest. Just so it's clear I'll post the whole story.
I know this girl since I was in 5th grade(I'm 22 now). My parents divorced and I moved from town with my mom for 3 years, met this girl, and as laughable as it sounds we kinda had a thing for each other eventho we were like 12 back then. After being classmates for 3 years and kinda being "together" for a few months(as together as a 12-13 years old can be) I moved back to my old town for high-school. During highschool I was visiting my mom once or twice a year and we got intouch again after 2 years. We saw each other and eventually had sex(first time for both of us). After I got back home from vacantion we kinda broke it, and she got a new boyfriend. Twisted thing is that after a few months we got back in contact and whenever I'd go back there we'd see each other and do... things. After a year or so she decided to stop it with me cause yeah, boyfriend. Few months before graduation and going to college we got in contact again. I was going to go to college in the town she lives for the next 3 years. We fell in love and decided to give it a try once I get there.

Got to college and man, it was absolutely fantastic! We were so happy together. That lasted for 3 months. I got back home for Christmas and NYE and a friend of her messed with her mind and made her think that I'm not good enough for her and made her go out with some dude she reccomended. I was devastated when I found out. Few days after she broke up with me she contacted me and apologized and said she's sorry and it was a mistake and she wants me back, and as crazy in love with her I was I was more than happy to take her back.

Everything went smoothly and we had the best time together for about... 1 and a half years. She started to act weird and I felt like something's wrong but she was denying it. Untill one day when I found out she was seeing some other guy. Talked with her and asked her what she wants, does she really want to throw everything we have away(and trust me, it was absolutely amazing, the relationship was as close to perfect as it can get). She told me she doesn't know who should she choose and that thing pissed me off and I said fine, have him, we're done. I was sure I wouldn't take her back if she came back to me(atleast I thought so). But then she comes at my door(I live alone), crying and apologizing. My heart absolutely melt. Even tho I felt devastated that after 2 years she did this to me I couldn't say no. We got back together.

Now comes the twisted part. First time she did it I managed to forget and get over it really really fast, considering it was only 3 months in, told myself she probably was insecure and got influenced by her friend. But that time... I was just simply not feeling the same thing anymore. Everything was gone and I felt like it was only the fact that I got used to be with her that kept it alive. A month or so after we got back together I went to a trip with a few of my college mates. Back there at the hotel we got really drunk and I started to mess out with a girl(kissing, touching, as close to sex as you can get considering she was on her period). When I got back I started to act really weird with my gf because that girl and that moments were stuck in my head. Too bad she has a boyfriend and can't really do much, we only talk as friends right now. But because I got her stuck in my head I told my gf that I don't feel the same anymore and I want to break up with her. We decided to meet the next day for her to get her stuff from my place. We did, we both eneded up crying, she left my house only to come back 1 hour later after a few texts where we both couldn't belive that we won't be together again. I decided to keep it going like that even tho I knew I was going to feel okay for a few days/weeks then I'm still gonna go back to not feeling the same love as I did.

2 months ago(february) I was at a concert in some other town. The night before that concert I went to a club with a few friends, and at that club I also met with some old friend(a girl) from other town, friend that I only met at certain concerts since we share the same musical taste. Alcoohol happend and we eneded up kissing like mad the whole night. After we got home, we started to talk every day and eventually fell in love with each other. We have so many things in common that it was so easy for us to realize that we liked each other since forever just that nothing happened so we could see it. Now we're both in love with each other. This happened while I still was with my girlfriend. I still didn't feel anything like before for her, only the thing that I got used to being with her and that's it. Since I started to talk with this new girl things got even more distant. Went home for holidays and 4 days ago I told her I want to break up with her because it's just not working anymore. And trust me, it's not working, I still didn't get over that she cheated on me AGAIN and I'm sure she'd probably do it again if some guy would show up that took her interest. I was ok for the first 3 days. Now I am back at college and I never felt more alone and sad, depressed. My mistake was that when I got here for college I was so in love with her that I never managed to make more friends, I only hang out with her. Now I am alone and I miss her so much, the house is so empty without her. I know that if I contact her and try to get back with her I have to end it up with the other girl, and I really don't want to, it's something that I never felt for someone, she has everything I am looking for, the only shady part is that we'll probably gonna have a long distance relationship, as in we're gonna see each other every 2-3 weeks, if that's gonna work anyways. Also, I know that if I'm contacting my ex and we get back together I'll be happy for a few weeks then I'll get back to feeling nothing and wanting to break up.

What should I do to feel better? I have kinda noone to go out with and I feel so alone and depressed. Will this ever go away, will I ever be able to get over her?

Thank you for reading.
Your other post shows you cheated on your other gf multiple times, not never like you claim in this thread!! You need to man up and grow up. Become more mature and responsible before you enter into another serious relationship. Let your gf go, and do some therapy or in depth soul searching as to why you cheat
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