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Would You Want to Know?


NotADayGoesBy

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NotADayGoesBy

The question: if you were getting divorced, would you want to know that your partner had cheated, even though the marriage was over?

 

In a nutshell: I had an affair (mostly EA) with a co worker. He ended it when he told me he was already having an affair with someone else. I eventually figured out it was with another co worker when she told me she was getting a divorce.

 

When I confronted OM he said I had to keep it secret, her husband would never let her see their kids again, etc (it doesn't work that way moron, but whatever). He said it was recently over between he and the OW, that he had told his wife, and they were going to see if they could save their marriage. I know this all to be true for a variety of reasons. That was 5 months ago. I never told a soul because I knew it was the best thing for their kids and the H for me to keep it quiet--I thought that would be the end of it and no one but me would ever know.

 

Fast forward to now. OM has left his wife of 30+ years (I think he started back up with OW again a few months before he left) and he and the OW are together, but I think they are still trying to keep it a secret. However, the rumor that they are together has already reached me through other people, so it's going around our VERY small town (OM and his ex live an hour away, so his part of the story is not common knowledge). Apparently OW is going with OM to look at houses in town (so maybe it is in the open?). Someone also saw her picking him up late at night a few months ago from where we work (presumably so no one would see his car outside her apartment).

 

Since this is a small town, I have known OW and her ex Husband for years. We have children similar ages. OW and I are 'friends' in the sense that we have been in some of the same organizations, have done social things together; we are friends, but not close. So I know her H fairly well.

 

Anyway, now that OM and OW are together and the rumor is starting to go around town, eventually the H will know they are together, but they will probably pass it off as a new thing. I was thinking of letting him know anonymously to contact OM's ex wife to get the whole story.

 

I'm torn. I will admit upfront that my main motivation for wanting to tell is revenge and jealousy. Not going to deny that. But there is a part of me that feels bad for the husband that everyone is now talking about it. Not sure if people are just talking about OW's new boyfriend, or if they have caught on that it's not new at all. I'm too emotionally involved to know if I should just leave it alone or tell him. I know he'll find out eventually, but if it were me I'd hate being the last to know. But again, that may be my anger and jealousy at OM talking. It could be that he does know, but my instincts say he doesn't.

 

So: if you were the H, would you want someone to tell you? Or, would you rather not know since it's hurtful and the marriage is over anyway?

Edited by NotADayGoesBy
For clarity
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littleblackheart

Telling a close friend you really care about? Maybe. Telling a near stranger out of jealousy? No.

 

As you say, your motives are less than noble; nothing good will come from you telling him. Besides, he may well know already, and you're not close enough to this couple to get involved in this man's personal life (imo).

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NotADayGoesBy

Yes, I am married so obviously I have my own secret to protect.

 

Thanks LBH, that is what I needed to hear. I only found out last week that OM left his wife (when the rumor came to me) so my emotions are running high right now. I guess letting it play out on its own is the best thing to do. If he really suspects or wants to know, I guess he will go looking for the answers on his own, even if she tries to gas light him. I didn't really think of that until now.

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I'm torn. I will admit upfront that my main motivation for wanting to tell is revenge and jealousy. Not going to deny that. But there is a part of me that feels bad for the husband that everyone is now talking about it.

 

Do you feel equally badly for your own H? Your xOM could similarly decide to contact him and out your own affair.

 

I don't think I'm qualified to play God with other people's lives. You may feel differently. The fact you think your xAP's spouse should be informed - but yours shouldn't - doesn't portray you in the most positive light...

 

Mr. Lucky

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The truth sets people free.

His wife now suffers with all the lies and doubts he fed her.

She deserves the truth so she can see his lies for what they are and restore her own mental image of herself.

 

How easily people justify lies and their support of lies glossing over the long term damage it leaves in its wake.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

This is none of your business. If you must reveal a secret about this man to anyone make it to your own husband and tell him you cheated on him.

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Oh what a hypocrite you are. You cheated on your husband so now that you have been scorned by him you want to out him.

 

I hope he sends your husband proof that you cheated on him.

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I feel bad for your husband. I hope for your sake you don't have children. If they learn who you are you might not like the end result. My children will have nothing to do with there mother. She never learned after we divorced. She still is all about her and what she wants when she wants it. Its actually kind of comical now. She was booted out of her apartment where she lived with her new husband and her exOM. They all packed up and some how convinced some one to sell them a trailer house. Just wait until that poor sole realizes they wont pay for nothing. I am thankful my kids have learned that you cant pick your family but you can see who is healthy and decent and who is not and limit your time with those people.

 

Good luck in your venture for vengeance.

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littleblackheart
Yes, I am married so obviously I have my own secret to protect.

 

This doesn't really change my previous post, but I wish posters would put all relevant info in their OP.

 

First you want to tell the husband out of revenge and jealousy, and now you are backtracking to cover your tracks? So basically all of this is only about you and no-one else?

 

Yikes.

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I would want to know for health reasons.

 

However, as the former OW who has now been scorned, it's not your place to ruin the marriage of the "new" GF. Stay out of it. Anything you say will reflect badly on you.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude poke
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Go ahead and tell your OM’s wife. The OM will figure out it’s you who did it, and will gladly return the favor. Tell your husband to check his mailbox.

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NotADayGoesBy

Ok, I deserve the flames. Believe me, I know it's hypocritical--I thought that went without saying--but I know.

 

I guess I needed that dose of reality. It has been all about me: my struggles, my unhappiness, my dissatisfaction, my confusion over my life and emotions. I'm trying to figure it all out and put myself back together so I can do better by my whole family, but involving myself further in the whole mess is not the way to do it.

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I'm trying to figure it all out and put myself back together so I can do better by my whole family, but involving myself further in the whole mess is not the way to do it.

 

Clearly.

 

It’s the old saying, people who live in glass houses... Before you go involving yourself in another person’s family life, you had best get your own house in order...

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What you need to do is stop living in the past and forget about all that. You have no credible pulpit from which to tell. No reason anyone should believe you. Stay out of that gossip.

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I'm trying to figure it all out and put myself back together so I can do better by my whole family, but involving myself further in the whole mess is not the way to do it.

 

Sounds like a dose of clarity missing from your actions and thoughts to this point. Continuing to involve yourself in your OM's life, even peripherally, is not the way forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mrs._December
Telling a close friend you really care about? Maybe. Telling a near stranger out of jealousy? No.

 

As you say, your motives are less than noble; nothing good will come from you telling him. Besides, he may well know already, and you're not close enough to this couple to get involved in this man's personal life (imo).

Her INTENTIONS for telling the BH are completely immaterial - that doesn't make the information to her BH any less important!

 

Maybe he's a really nice guy who still loves her and is secretly hoping they'll get back together. And maybe because he's a hopeless romantic he chose to be overly generous with her in the division of assets because he wanted her to be provided for and/or because he was hoping his generosity would sway her to come back to him. Who knows?

 

Anyway, maybe that information is VITALLY important to him because it could be the reason for him to change the asset division so he doesn't get screwed over for 'love' if he was foolish enough to be overly generous with her. Or maybe this information is VITALLY important to him so he doesn't waste another minute of his precious time hoping to win this prize back for the next few months or years.

 

We don't KNOW if either of these scenarios are happening, but if either are, this information could change everything for him.

 

OP, your reasons for doing it don't mean SQUAT. In the end, your reasons for telling him don't change or influence how the BH uses that information to his own benefit. How anyone can even think your motivation changes the importance of it to the betrayed spouse is simply beyond me.

 

Tell him immediately!

Edited by Mrs._December
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CautiouslyOptimistic

Mrs. December, I'm not sure you understand the original post.....

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Dreamer2017

Dear NotADayGoesBy,

 

You should direct all of your energy to the healing of your marriage. You should devote your time to your family. The OM used you for his personal needs and then disregarded you, but you failed to see it. You are caught up in an emotional Sanomi of revenge and for what? Why can’t you redirect your love and devotion to your family? Are you willing to destroy another family while destroying your own? Lastly, please sit your husband down and tell him the truth. He has the right to know!!!

 

Stay clear of the drama because only pain will follow.

 

Best,

Dreamer

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littleblackheart

Mrs December, you need to take a deep breath and take it down a notch with all the bolding and the underlying. We can have different opinions, yours isn't any more valid than any other...

 

The situation is this, as I understand it:

OP had a 'mostly EA' (I don't know what that means, but I guess it's irrelevant at this point) thing with a co-worker who also had an affair with another woman at the same time.

 

Out of jealousy, OP contemplated telling the other woman's husband (that she barely knows) while they are separating. She then remembered that by doing so, she would also threaten to reveal her own secret, ie the 'mostly EA' thing, to her own husband - who, by the sounds of it, is unaware of any of this.

 

She should probs tell her H first, and let the chips fall where they may, but that's not the question asked in the OP.

 

My personal experience is that

1. An actual friend of mine did tell me exH was cheating - I dismissed it out of hands.

2. I found out all on my own while I was separating, and it made exactly zero difference to the divorce proceedings. I was already gone.

 

Of course the husband should know - from his wife, not a emotional randomer with a hidden agenda. Maybe he knows already.

 

Divorce proceedings are already full of drama as it is - the last thing anyone needs during a divorce is someone you don't know barging into your private affairs.

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Out of jealousy, OP contemplated telling the other woman's husband (that she barely knows) while they are separating.

But that isn't true.

 

Since this is a small town, I have known OW and her ex Husband for years. We have children similar ages. OW and I are 'friends' in the sense that we have been in some of the same organizations, have done social things together; we are friends, but not close. So I know her H fairly well.

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Wallysbears

So, basically, the guy you had an affair with broke up with you for his other mistress.

 

You were ok with that when you thought he was trying to rebuild his marriage.

 

But now you find out that he and the other mistress are both separating/divorcing and are together in the end...so you are a little jealous because you didn't get the "guy" in the end (despite being married youself and cheating on your spouse) so you want to interject yourself after the fact during the midst of potential divorce/custody proceedings and make it known that they aren't just together NOW...but that they were also together before?

 

To what end? What would it accomplish? Making custody battles MORE contemptuous? Making divorce proceedings more angry potentially? Causing more strife for the kids of the two people?

 

And what, maybe making you feel like you stuck it to the guy that chose her over you?

 

I think you really need to sit down and have a long hard look at yourself and figure out what it is that you are doing here. You've had, at minimum, an emotional affair and cheated on your husband. And yet nowhere in what you have posted have you mentioned any of the damage this has done and will do to him. You are more upset over not being the mistress picked by the cheater you were cheating with.

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Marriages with secrets this big have a hard time surviving. Sounds like your girlfriend and you shared a lot more then having children of the same age. I doubt other man will keep the affair he had with you a secret from her now that they are a couple. She won't give a sh*t about your marriage, look what she did to her husband and her marriage. My point is, too many people probably already know about your lack of boundaries. It is ultimately up to you how and when your husband finds out about your infidelity. Just my opinion but the chances are pretty high that your husband will find out, people like your ex girlfriend talk. There is a very good chance in a town the size of yours you share common friends. Not all women keep secrets from their husbands.

 

The reality is, "you were unfaithful" so what do you want to do about fixing this? You can try hiding it with more lies or you can be honest, your answer will say a lot about who you really are. I would not want a marriage that was full of lies, I would not want to be with a person that would do something like that to me. Whatever the two of you did together(O/M)is never going to go away, it will always be hanging over your head and the heads of your family. Your the one that gave yourself the approval for your behavior, you and your family together are now going to have to deal with the consequences. Honesty is always the best policy, this is your life after all, just remember, you can't control other people. Get into counselling, get tested.

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